I've been seeing the same Trans-friendly therapist for nearly a year. She's been working with transsexuals for twenty years, has a lot of experience, but I really feel like she isn't working with me or for me.

Last November was going to be the date for her giving me my letter of recommendation to start T, but I missed the appointment and then she was out until February due to a shoulder-replacement surgery. I was expecting to have it in Feb, but my Mom called her and chewed her out because I had told her and my dad I was going to be starting T soon, (Which I had already talked to her about before November, and I guess she thought I was joking...) and when they argued with me about starting I told them that this was all that was keeping me back from suicide right now, the thought of finally starting T.

My next appointment, my therapist told me not to 'play the suicide game' and that I can't talk to my parents about how I feel... Which is exactly opposite of what my parents have always told me, to be open with them about how I feel because I've dealt with suicidal thoughts since fifth grade (about 9 years). But now I feel estranged not only with my parents but with my one ticket to emotional freedom, my therapist. Now I am not allowed to start until six months before I transfer from my community college to my four year college, which would have been December. Except now, because my community college is unorganized and didn't tell me all of the classes required for me to graduate with my associates degree, I'm going to have to wait until NEXT December, if the six month rule still stands with my parents and therapist. (I have to wait another year because the school I'm transferring to only lets new students enroll in the fall semester, otherwise I'd be enrolling for the spring semester which would only be a three or so month difference.)

I can't see myself able to wait that much longer. I'll be well past twenty, and just waiting until this December was hard enough on me. It's worse because the reason I have to wait for six months before transferring is because my parents don't want me transitioning at this college I'm at. But... I already have. Everyone knows me as either a trans guy or a real guy. I've tried talking to them about it but it's not getting through their heads.. They're caught up on the whole 'be happy with who you are, stop being so superficial, kids these days are only focused on stereotypes, you don't need to change your appearance to be who you are, etc. etc.' which I have no idea how to explain to them that this is more serious than that. I mean, my parents support me. They're going to pay for my HRT, which is awesome.. I just know that I won't survive the wait.

I was suggested by Cynthia Lee here on the forums to look for an informed consent clinic, but I have no idea what that is or where one would be in my area, I've googled it, and I kinda get it now, but.. Nooot really. What do I have to do to get a prescription from an informed consent clinic? How do I know what clinic in my area does informed consent? Waah so confusing ;A;

Or should I just lay down the law with my therapist and parents about starting? I can't take this much longer, I'm even having to go back on meds because I'm so ->-bleeped-<-ing stressed out because of all this. (My mom has even noticed, she offered me her prozac this morning >< I was like mom you are nuts wtf) I haven't been on medication for depression or anxiety (Which I've suffered through since preschool) in about five years. I hate meds, so you can probably see how big of a deal this is for me... I just don't know what to do.

Also, my girlfriend, Elaine, who is MTF, is being prohibited from starting HRT because of her emotional problems. She's had a rough life, and is severely depressed/anxious and my therapist sees her temporarily unfit for HRT because of that. But, most of those problems are now stemming from gender dysphoria. I'm thinking that her starting HRT would fix most of her depression, and the rest can be smoothed out along the way. I know that the prior mental health problems need to be tended before gender therapy can start, but, I think in this case, because many of her problems are linked to being trans, she would be an exception. But before talking to our therapist about that, I want someone else's opinion.

tl;dr, how does I start T?

I'm sorry to hear about all of the mess. Even if your therapist misunderstood you, she still seems to be playing power games.

It can be difficult to find an informed consent clinic. Is there an LGBT center in your area? LGBT centers often have good info. Are you willing to post a query on Susan's that mentions your city or the nearest metropolitan area? That sometimes helps. Also, some people have had luck with Planned Parenthood. In fact, some have had luck with their regular GPs.

Failing these options, you might be stuck with Google, but Google searches don't always get you what you're looking for. I already knew about the IC clinic in my area, but good keywords for people who don't know are "transgender health" and the name of the city. That might work in your area. You can also try a variation with "transsexual health." Or add "hormone therapy," although that might be too specific. Certain combinations work for certain clinics.

Hard to believe your therapist thought your mention of suicide was mere manipulation...does she keep a large mound of sand in one corner of her office?

You could threaten to self-medicate whether you intend to go through with it or not.
It got people to take me seriously.

Quote from: pebbles on July 03, 2010, 04:30:34 PM
You could threaten to self-medicate whether you intend to go through with it or not.
It got people to take me seriously.

It's not foolproof though, one early doctor basically told me that if I did that she wouldn't see me anymore.

I wasn't bluffing though, and doing it for real was way more effective as a tool for convincing doctors I was serious, it didn't take me long to get a recommendation after that.

However, Testosterone is generally given by IM Injection, which if you don't know anything about is highly highly HIGHLY inadvisable.

@ Ashley and Pebbles, my parents thought that I was threatening to self-medicate when I talked to them about starting. They told my therapist, and she also said that she would stop seeing me if I DIY HRT'd. Plus I don't want to, it's way to risky and I don't like being dishonest to my family, and I would prefer not to be dishonest to my therapist, seeing as she is my only resource for testosterone at the moment.

@ Arch, I googled what you said and for a few hours now I haven't found much... There is one LGBT center near me, Access AIDS Care and The AIDS Fund are both in my area and work with transsexuals, and Access AIDS was one I had looked at before. The woman I was planning on talking to moved to California though, she said she had trained other people there to work with transsexuals but I don't know what exactly they offer... Their sites don't say much other than defining what being trans is and offering to make an appointment.

There is also the Rainbow Bridge Connection but I think they're just a support group.
Blarg this is all so frustrating ><

Your story sounds like mine, I'm fustrated too so all I can say is "I feel ya bro"

I can't imagine them begin like that unless they are maliciously power-tripping, Naiive, Or Don't take you seriously.

You can probably argue them down depending on there personality, As a therapist they should be reasonably empathic. If nothing else you show how fervent you are in your convictions about this. *assuming you are*

"I will refuse to see you anymore if you self-medicate."
"My continuing to even pay your fees and even coming to see you is contingent on you helping my situation, Your obstruction *Mention your depression thing* is not helping at all. I'd like to have the resources and experience your council can provide, however at the end of the day ultimately I need to do what's right by myself and if you prevent this outcome then maybe your right, We shouldn't see each other, and I will have to obtain the resources I need through other sources for better or worse."

Quote from: pebbles on July 03, 2010, 08:07:46 PM
I can't imagine them begin like that unless they are maliciously power-tripping, Naiive, Or Don't take you seriously.

You can probably argue them down depending on there personality, As a therapist they should be reasonably empathic. If nothing else you show how fervent you are in your convictions about this. *assuming you are*

"I will refuse to see you anymore if you self-medicate."
"My continuing to even pay your fees and even coming to see you is contingent on you helping my situation, Your obstruction *Mention your depression thing* is not helping at all. I'd like to have the resources and experience your council can provide, however at the end of the day ultimately I need to do what's right by myself and if you prevent this outcome then maybe your right, We shouldn't see each other, and I will have to obtain the resources I need through other sources for better or worse."

I more or less said exactly that, but I was 20 and I don't think she could look past my age and see a responsible adult. 

All I'm saying is, sometimes you just need to drop them and try someone else, some people are unreasonable and feel you're incompetent to make personal choices.

Morgan, I'm sending you a link that might be helpful.

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Post Merge: July 03, 2010, 08:45:37 PM

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For everyone: I googled "Planned Parenthood" and "transgender" and got a page that describes LGBT services at Planned Parenthood locations. HRT is listed as an LGBT service. Using their search, you can find a facility that offers LGBT services. I imagine you would have to call to find out for sure that T prescriptions are offered at a particular location, but it's something to look into.

ETA: I have heard that only a few PP offices offer hormones as part of their regular services. However, you might be able to convince a provider at a non-hormone clinic, if you are persuasive enough.

Wow, apparently I have three Planned Parenthood locations near me that offer LGBT services. "Education, resources, services referral, and support groups" is what they say the offer for LGBT. Whether that includes hormones, I dunno, but all three locations say that. I guess I'll have to call and find out, if I decide that I can't talk my therapist/parents into letting me start either now, or as originally planned, in December.

@Pebbles- I may go this route.. I'm going to try explaining my situation with college, and how the reason they want me to wait is bunk. If that doesn't work, I'm going to basically say what you said here. I don't need her 'therapy', I've always had my own coping methods (How the hell would I have otherwise survived this long? Gimme a break, woman! Lol) so I don't need her, other than to reach my goals of hormones and surgery. Which I can always find another way to do so.

Morgan, have you posted a state-specific query about informed consent clinics? You might turn something up.

You might also try asking an LGBT center in a nearby city.

Oh, and if you live in a small state or are near the border, be sure to consider crossing state lines if need be.

In the meantime, I hope you can persuade your therapist not to be so damned difficult. From where I'm sitting, she sounds like a real, uh, Massengill product.

Um, is it bad that I don't know what you mean by "a state-specific query about informed consent clinics"? 

Thanks for all the help, everyone <3 I see my therapist this friday.

Quote from: Morgan on July 03, 2010, 11:17:22 PM
Um, is it bad that I don't know what you mean by "a state-specific query about informed consent clinics"? 

I meant, did you post a Susan's topic with a title like "Informed consent clinics in Michigan?" (or whichever state you're in)

Quote from: pebbles on July 03, 2010, 04:30:34 PM
You could threaten to self-medicate whether you intend to go through with it or not.
It got people to take me seriously.

That gives people like me a bad name because I actually did self medicate, my reasons for self medication was because I could feel myself slipping down into the darkness of the abyss that is depression, and I knew, that the next time I did self harm, it would be serious, and not minor like it was in February this year. My Psychiatrist was understanding and sympathetic to my feelings and allowed me to continue self medicating until I was legally prescribed hormones, which I start my new hormones (Legal ones) in 5 more days. SO EXCITING!

I have a keen interest in medical related information, I would not recommend anyone to self medicate, unless it is a completely last resort. You can always find dosages and places that will sell without a prescription over the internet, I wont tell anyone where I got my meds from, or how much of them I take. (Sorry) but I will say that if it comes between life or death, always choose life, even if the methods for staying alive are illegal or unorthodox. Life is always better then death. I don't regret self medicating, I do regret not starting hormones sooner.

But remember, if you do decide, or are about to start self medication of hormone replacement drugs, then remember this. Get your blood work done BEFORE hormones, after 1 month of hormones, and then after 3 months of hormones! Monitor your liver and kidney functions too! And continue to get a blood test every 3 months, unless your specialist takes over, then do what they say.

Unfortunately for FTMs it's much harder and extremely dangerous to self-medicate because what we need is a very highly-controlled substance that's an extremely profitable black-market drug used by cisgender men.

Ordering T or other androgenic/anabolic steroids over the Internet is about as safe as ordering any recreational drug over the Internet - that is, you're several times more likely to have your credit card information stolen than to actually receive anything at all. And if you do get something it's probably not a male hormone at all, and if it is a male hormone it's probably adulterated, and if it's not adulterated it's likely expired or otherwise ineffective or unsafe. And if by some miracle you actually get a T-like substance, you're still risking being arrested every time you order. And the drug you obtain almost certainly won't be T, but rather some sort of synthetic anabolic steroid with terrible health consequences and deliberately-limited androgenic effects. And all of the above applies if you buy on the street, too, except your credit card info won't be stolen (though your wallet might be) and you'll probably actually get some substance to damage yourself with.

FTM self-medicating is quite possibly the worst idea ever conceived short of going out and injecting yourself with heroin from a shared needle with a street junkie you just met.

I didn't believe my doctor would take me serious about HRT. So I started an very light dose regimine about a month and a half before my visit and informed him I was buying HRT from an internet pharmacy and I fully intended to transition.

He was highly upset and pissed. However he was persuaded, by my wife and my patients advocate, too provide me HRT because taking DIY HRT was not safe.

I got my HRT via an underhanded tactic. It could have backfired on me.......

He did however require me to produce a letter from a qualified mental health profesional within 3 months or he wouldn't refill my pills. I got the letter easily enough but I am sure had I not gotten it I would be back to DIY.

UPDATE!

I have gotten my therapist on my side. Next week, when my dad gets back from vacation, I'm going to sit down and talk to them about either still starting in December like planned, or starting now because my therapist agrees that their reason for me not doing it isn't valid anymore. (On a side note, I finally got a carry-letter to let me use restroom facilities. My therapist is kinda forgetful... I have to tell her the same things every visit, sometimes. At least it's done now.)

I talked to Elaine about her starting and she says she has decided that she will wait longer for HRT because she agrees that she is too emotionally unstable right now. She agreed that alot of it is gender related, but she'd like to get her life on track first. So that's resolved.

Fantastic! Maybe you can start now so you are well along by the time you change schools?

That's what I hope. It'll give me a year and a half if I start in December, two years if I start now.