Hi everyone, this is Ashley once again. Sorry it has been a while since I posted. I haven't forgotten about you, and as Autumn suggested, I don't want my stay here to be overly short-lived. You were all very helpful and considerate and understanding. Also very knowledgeable. So here's a little update...
Yes, I'm still upset about what I am seeing in the mirror. If you remember my story, there was a short time in my life previous to this period, where I was quite happy with what I was seeing in the mirror. That having been said, it finally occurred to me what most likely the problem is.
When I had re-immersed myself in my transition after being off of hormones for 4 months at 17 and being quite unhappy with the masculinization that occurred during that time, I had started with Spiro and estrogen injections and Progynova. I experienced very positive results almost instantly with my regimen. Looking for even further-improved results, I added Androcur and Finasteride (which I later switched to Avodart), and, as hoped, experienced even better results. However, recently because the pharmacy I was shipping the Androcur in from has been very flaky in terms of getting things here on time (seriously, you would be shocked at how long it took them just to get the first bottle here), I had to unfortunately stop Androcur cold-turkey. It was only at this point, which was a little over a month ago, that I gradually began to see my progress fade away, and further masculinization take place.
On the one hand, I'm pleased to have realized this, because it is a very feasible option for me to just pay more at my pharmacy, get the Androcur again, and get back on track and hopefully exceed where I was before. On the other hand, after being quite pleased (and after a long-time-coming) with what I was seeing, and now being thrust back into this, it is very hard. I'm trying to get through it, emotionally I simply feel like I'm on a rollercoaster ride right now.
The problem is, after being forced to stop the Androcur after only about 25 days on, it is almost like I am taking no anti-androgen at all. Spiro, which was able to effectively handle the "facial hair" problem almost entirely in the past, now seems to not be working without the additional Androcur. I can tell this, because I went from having no visible facial hair anywhere (very light in color and not at all coarse, also with a very slow growth rate), to now having, as much as it pains me to say, "stubble". I always thought it was so ironic that all of the hormone information online says that hormones don't have an effect on facial hair, because I went from having an extreme issue with facial hair since age 11 to having literally no issue whatsoever in as little as 3 months. Now, sadly, I am regressing back to the opposite side of the spectrum...
Like I said, I'm holding on until I can get the Androcur again and hopefully things will fall back into place. The least-shallow intention I have for being pretty again, is that for once in my life, I did not feel ashamed of myself. There is actually a lot of shame associated, for me and I'm sure many girls, with being able to say that I take hormones, but still having all of these "masculine" issues. I would like to go back to not feeling ashamed of myself, and having confidence and feeling comfortable in my skin. I was never "perfect", there were always things I didn't like about myself and which could use refinement (brow area, larger forehead, less-than-ideal facial profile, more upper-body mass than I would have liked), but I knew I could take care of those things, and I still passed very well as a female. I would give anything to get back to that, so essentially, girls, wish me luck after resuming Androcur, hopefully in the very near future.
Also, a little advice from you girls; the reason I was so adamant about Duphaston as opposed to "regular" progesterone was because I was under the assumption that any other type of progesterone could possibly have an androgenic effect, or counteract some of the effects of the estrogen. Do any of you girls find this to be true? I simply want to get on a regimen after this, stay on said regimen, "plateau" eventually (hopefully not too soon) and maintain it throughout the duration.
Any useful tips?
I'll be around more often, if you girls don't mind...
(P.S. Why can't I do anything, including view other girls' profiles, put up a display picture, etc. Is it because I'm a "visitor"? If so, how do I fix that?)
Ashley
