I've decided to keep the male body I was born with. I can't come out for many reasons.....my family just got done fighting for 10 years, I'm afraid of surgery, I'm afraid of transitioning but still having a male face, I'm afraid of anti-trans violence, I'm afraid I'll never find love.....I just can't do this. As long as I still feel like a girl, I am a girl. I'll just never have a girls body.

Mmm, maybe your thoughts on this will change.
You've got a lot of decades ahead to drag your body through.
Wouldn't it be easier if it was a body that you liked?
Also, don't underestimate the joy of being socially accepted as your true gender.

Best of luck.

Most trans people feel like that at some point in their lives.

Fact is the statistics speak for themselves. Of those who try to continue as they are a vast number end up eventually transitioning and then regretting the lost years.

Whilst concern for your family is commendable it should not really be your main concern here as you have only one life to lead and that is your own. You really must do what is right for you and not what is right for them.

As regards the fear, just look at the number of us who have successfully made the journey and take heart. I know it looks awful to start with, but the reality is that across the word hundreds of thousands of us have successfully completed the course and if you go about it in a sensible way you could do so too. It is a challenge but it's really not as scary as you think

But the bottom line is that it is your life. You have to be sure of what you do before you set out on a road like this. So just promise me one thing, if you choose to remain as you are for now, please allow yourself no regrets if later on you change your mind. Because the truth is that if you continue to desire transition, even if you fear it, you can not simply make a decision to walk away and forget it.

Each day your feeling and desires will remind you of the discrepancy and then every day those of you who did not transition yesterday, but share this feeling, must make a renewed choice. If you choose to transition that is ok, but if you choose not to that is Ok too as long as you make it work for you and are happy!

But the choice is between an ongoing battle with yourself, such as is courageously fought by the likes of Interalia, or accepting that this is who you are and transition is probably the only way to have lasting peace with yourself. In my experience ultimately the only way to silence the nagging question is to face the demon guardian of the threshold, and pass him by as you journey towards your true desires.

Whatever you decide today, and whatever you may decide tomorrow I wish you good luck.

I can't tell you to transition but don't not transition to keep your family from fighting. If they fight your happiness, then they aren't your real family, in my opinion. And about the surgery, don't be scared. You'll be knocked out and the pain will be over before you know it. Just do what you need to do to be happy bb. <3

Quote from: Lilly on July 09, 2010, 05:00:49 AM
I've decided to keep the male body I was born with. I can't come out for many reasons.....my family just got done fighting for 10 years, I'm afraid of surgery, I'm afraid of transitioning but still having a male face, I'm afraid of anti-trans violence, I'm afraid I'll never find love.....I just can't do this. As long as I still feel like a girl, I am a girl. I'll just never have a girls body.

Hmmm. Are you me, from 35 years ago?

If I'm perfectly honest, after thinking exactly the same then as you are now, even the family thing, my life has turned out OK. A lot better than others, that's for sure.

Like others here, I hope everyone here, I won't tell you what to do. I will say that, whatever you do, it must be with some conviction, some purpose.

It took me about 2 years to regret my decision. But I didn't reverse it. I'm still stuck in this male body. I built my life, and like all lives, it is based on other people and their lives. What I do affects others and I don't think I can do that to others.

Best of luck.

I have sensed that you are strong in the Force and will transition when the Force allows it. Then you will be happy with the body you want not the pitiful excuse for a girl you are at the moment.
You have learned patience..
Now you must learn to transition with HRT and surgery before it is too late.
Use your powers!
If you have none then I pity you.
All is lost if the woman inside you is trapped in a male body.
You must transition. Its your only hope.
In time others will come to your aid if you seek it.
Use your agression.
Release your anger.
I can feel the hate and fear in you. But you dont use it.
You can do this.
Be strong!

What scares me the most has nothing to do with transition at all. I live with mom and am unemployed (but i'm going back to school for my GED). I want to come out in hopes that someone will help me, and if my mom doesn't accept and kicks me out I have nowhere to go. And my dad thinks I'm gay, but I don't like men. I just wish this wasn't so hard......

Don't worry.
It's okay to make the choice to at least "wait" until you have the financial and social security allowing you to be able to transition without fear of loosing "literally" everything.
It's not a bad choice to decide to "Live with it", at least for now.

Focus on that part of your life, come back if and when you're ready.

what miniar said, i'm actually doing that myself (waiting for the right time to make the serious actions)

Again, what miniar said.

There is a time and a place for everything. From your post, #6, this is neither.

It doesn't mean you've failed. Just that you've used your head.

If right now you don't feel like you can transition, then you probably need at least to wait until you feel stronger.  But I hope you won't jump to the conclusion that you won't ever change your mind.  Just look back over your life at all the times you've changed your mind about this or other things.    I don't get the sense that you think that it's over, and that it's just going to go away, so I'm glad that you are being realistic.  So I hope you will plan ahead for a possible change later, and put money aside, stay in therapy, etc.  Even if you do complete your life in a male body, ongoing therapy to help deal with the continuing stress seems like it would be especially important.

best of luck and wishes

Quote from: cynthialee on July 09, 2010, 08:29:37 AM
best of luck and wishes

Yeah.

Take care pet. Don't give up hope.

I made that same choice 20 plus years ago, and now I regret doing it.  I began at 54 and still lose all that I had.

It is your choice, but I want you to know that now is the time.  Don't wait those 20 plus years like i did and then regret it.

Whatever you choose, best of luck and stay strong.

I know I should wait if I don't have the money, but I'm turning 20 in August, and I know the older you get, the harder it is......

Hi Lilly,

Take your time it isn't a race I intended to have SRS at 20 but life intervened. I started HRT at 57, this year, but I've been living PT for a lot of my life. There is no right or wrong age. Each of us are individuals that share a common pain. But we are here to support each other, no matter what our individual circumstances are.

Hugs Honey

Cindy

Quote from: Lilly on July 10, 2010, 01:40:40 AM
I know I should wait if I don't have the money, but I'm turning 20 in August, and I know the older you get, the harder it is......

Four things - apparently somewhat contradictory, by take them together and they add up to the truth.

1. We all fear that which we have no knowledge of. Fear is a healthy thing in that it can help us avoid pitfalls. But it is not a healthy thing when it effectively starts to rule your life and paralyse your ability to move forward.

2. As I already said it isnt as simple as deciding once not to change and then walking away thinking that this decision is now settled for all time because tomorrow is always a new day with new possibilities. So the firm decision you made today can always be changed tomorrow, and as many of the older transitioners on here have now told you it is never too late to start.

So today you say "I am never going to transition because I am afraid" and tomorrow you say the same thing, and the day after, and the day after that and so on for however long you live. If you do that enough times then one day you will reach the end of your life without having transitioned. That may be what you want or it may not. Only you can make that call, but you must do so in the knowledge that it will likely be an ongoing battle every single day even if some days are easier than others.

3. Whatever you do you must not start something like transition until you feel ready for it. There is no point in doing something as momemntous as this only to end up with regrets. If, one day you do decide to embrace transition and surgery, then make sure that you do so with the determination to make it work for you come what may.

4. It is true that when you are younger it is easier to transition both physically and mentally, because you have less ingrained habits and physical traits to lose. I am glad I transitioned whilst still young. However emotionally it may actually be easier when you are older, because for many people, with advancing years comes experience and emotional security. You no longer care so much what others think. Money is also an issue. When you are a little older you may have a few more financial resources to throw at the problem. However I would caution against thinking that money is the most important factor. It isnt. The most important factor is YOU, how you feel and what you really want. Money is just a tool. If you really want something you will find a way to make it happen.

Ok - put them all together and what it adds up to is this:

Don't beat yourself up over things. Don't be afraid of the future. Follow your heart and do what you really want. Have no regrets about the decisions you make or have made in the past. Enjoy your life where ever it takes you.

I'm sure you'll get it figured out one day, but in the meantime may I suggest that visiting a gender therapist and talking through your feelings without it necessarily having to lead on to transition may be a way to sort out what you feel and indeed take some of the fear out of the situation.

Quote from: Lilly on July 10, 2010, 01:40:40 AM
I know I should wait if I don't have the money, but I'm turning 20 in August, and I know the older you get, the harder it is......

Lilly, OMG I wanted to cry when I read your story.  Seriously, this was ME back in 1976.  That was the year I met and fell in love with the woman I'm still married to.  We have 3 kids.  And just NOW, I'm "waking up" and realizing I still want to transition.  Now I'm a mess!  But I have faith I will get through this somehow.  I still don't really know where this path will lead me, but with each day I get closer to knowing, and I really do think transition is in my future.  These feelings will not be denied.  Go to the Introductions forum and read my story - I just posted it last evening.  This IS hard - no doubt about it.  When I was your age, I had nowhere to turn.  Maybe you feel that way, but this is a very different world.  Just the fact that you can turn to this place on the Internet in the privacy of your own home and find help and understanding is a HUGE thing - I wish I'd had that all those years ago.

I can't/won't tell you what to do, but I would caution you about getting into any serious relationships until you really figure this out for yourself.  I'm 54, and just starting down this road.  You have your whole life ahead of you.  Enjoy your time, but use it wisely!

Quote from: Lilly on July 10, 2010, 01:40:40 AM
I know I should wait if I don't have the money, but I'm turning 20 in August, and I know the older you get, the harder it is......

Anti-androgens aren't that pricey, and it's relatively easy to get a scrip for them.  So if you want to stop the clock on masculinization, and do it on the cheap, without any visible signs of feminization, you do have options.  Granted, if you can get on E before age 22, you might even get some hip growth, but it's not likely to be much, if any.  It's not the end of the world.

Never use money as an excuse.  I am unemployed and I am still moving forward, day by day.