Perlita, I agree that what you're describing is a common difference between men and women. But I've met plenty of men that were just as tapped into emotions as most women, and I've met plenty of women who are as detached as most men. So is it essential -- the sine qua non or womanhood? In my opinion, no.
The reason I mention it is that I don't think most of these answers are addressing Robertina's original question. (I'm just mentioning yours because it's the most recent -- I could say the same elsewhere.) I get the feeling that this is not an abstract, philosophical question for her. She has posted a lot of questions about these differences, and if I recall correctly, she came to Susan's struggling with the question of whether she is trans -- in other words, whether she is female. So the question is not really, "What does it mean to be a woman?" but rather, "How do I know if I am a woman?"
I have resisted a lot of the characterizations described here, not because I think they are cheap stereotypes (perhaps they are and perhaps they're not; it's immaterial), but because I don't think it helps someone in Robertina's situation.
Before I transitioned I was utterly alienated. I had some close friends, but I had to fight for them, and I was baffled by the effortless way I saw women connect with others. People that knew me saw me as very empathetic, but only close friends -- others just saw me as strange. And my own feelings, well, forget it. I couldn't let myself acknowledge my feelings, because it was just too scary.
Once I gave up trying to construe myself as male, in accordance with external expectations, once I began my transition and started to experience new ways of connecting with other women -- and with men, too -- once I started reflecting on my childhood and letting myself see the girl I was rather than the boy others saw, I gradually began to see all the ways, some trivial and some profound, that I fit as a girl.
Some ways, even many ways, I don't fit in with women, at least not with a lot of them. For one thing, I'm not into boys, not one little bit. When other women start with that, I'm completely left out. Of course, I never fit in with men when they started talking about women, either. Among lesbians, it's a whole lot easier, and in retrospect, it really always has been.
So I've got to go with Kate. It just fits. The rest is fun as a parlor game, but it's not what really matters. So, Robertina, does womanhood fit you? There's no way I can answer that. The only way to find out is to try it on for size. There's just no other way.
