Quote from: The Unforgiven on July 22, 2010, 03:45:04 AM


How long did it take before you were sure that it wasn't a phase? How many of the people in this situation are post-op now?

And a statistical question:
About how many people who feel this way at some point in their lives end up changing their minds (don't feel that way anymore, or went through surgery and decided to change back)?

I have no idea if this is a phase or not.  If it's a phase, then it's been a long-ass one since I was 16 when I really realized something was off and I'm 21 now.  I hope this isn't a phase because I plan on transitioning, at least part-way.  I don't think it's a phase, but it could be.  At least how I plan on transitioning, I'd be able to live well enough with the results so I'm not too worried about it.

I did know from an early age, but this experience has helped my appreciate the unbelievable power of denial that the human brain possesses.

While I was aware of the problem before I started confronting this issue head on, there were so many memories that came rushing back each time I cleared another mental barricade.  Memories that would have told me unequivocally I had no choice but to accept my womanhood, but back then I wanted so badly to believe I could overcome this issue.  It sure would have been nice to not have kept the truth from myself so I would have got going on this process earlier, but I just tell myself it must have been what I needed at the time.

So, if you don't remember dealing with this earlier, I just want to point out that there is at least a possibility that you just buried those memories where you may or may not ever recover them.

@Jerica - That was a very moving story. I'm glad your wife stopped you from ending your life; probably just in time, too.

@Jen - That's a weird thought; that my brain could have subconsciously buried some memories to protect me from myself. I've never been that good at remembering things from a long time ago, and my earliest memory is from when I was five, so it could be possible that some memories are missing. Although, it really is hard to believe that my brain could have that ability, and if it really did happen, is there any way I can retrieve the lost pieces?

I didn't understand it as a younger child.

Without getting into detail, I was always in a situation where I felt the need to please my parents. Which meant acting the part of the girl, and keeping my mouth shut about nearly everything. I figured i was "supposed" to be a girl, so I would be one.

Quote from: The Unforgiven on July 23, 2010, 07:53:39 PM
That's a weird thought; that my brain could have subconsciously buried some memories to protect me from myself.

I had a memory surface the other day from high school--I was standing in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, pulling my bangs back from my face and being really pleased that it made me look more like a guy...and also trying to position my long hair so it looked like I had sideburns and a mustache.  Haven't though about that for years and years.

Quote from: The Unforgiven on July 23, 2010, 07:53:39 PM
@Jen - That's a weird thought; that my brain could have subconsciously buried some memories to protect me from myself. I've never been that good at remembering things from a long time ago, and my earliest memory is from when I was five, so it could be possible that some memories are missing. Although, it really is hard to believe that my brain could have that ability, and if it really did happen, is there any way I can retrieve the lost pieces?

I'm not saying that it is so, but yes absolutely it is possible.  I don't have an answer to how to find the key to such things, but I have found that when I have come to terms with a reality I had been resisting, that that often would metaphorically turn on the lights in a room my mind had left dark.

Quote from: The Unforgiven on July 23, 2010, 07:53:39 PM
@Jerica - That was a very moving story. I'm glad your wife stopped you from ending your life; probably just in time, too.

@Jen - That's a weird thought; that my brain could have subconsciously buried some memories to protect me from myself. I've never been that good at remembering things from a long time ago, and my earliest memory is from when I was five, so it could be possible that some memories are missing. Although, it really is hard to believe that my brain could have that ability, and if it really did happen, is there any way I can retrieve the lost pieces?

Thanks, I'm glad too...now. =) I wasn't at the time , of course.

Also, I buried things subconsciously as well.....it took going to a counselor to bring up a LOT of memories from my childhood that i had forgotten about

Once I figured it out, I stayed with the thought. Haven't regretted anything I've done to look more male or be called by male pronouns, etc.. It's just felt pretty good so far, and I'm more comfortable now with myself (I'm pretty anxious, have a lot of nervous habits.)

It's only been an improvement to take the first steps of transition. See a therapist maybe, he/she might be able to help you work this out. Odd, there were things I forgot too but apparently I was masculine when I was younger so I no longer have that doubt. Talk to someone who knew you, they might remember.

While I had these feelings I learned as a kid to stay busy and not think about it.  For a while this was alright.  Then came puberty.  I did more things outside, joined sports so I could not think about it, things professionally started to suffer but for the most part everything was alright.  Then came college and it seemed that something died and I didn't know what it was or why I was so down so I searched and searched and came up blank so I thought the military might give me a clue.  Within about a year and a half things came into focus, six months later I found out what being trans was and by year 3 I made the conclusion.  The only problem was is that I had signed up on a 6 year contract, I learned to make the most of a messed up situation.  Besides next year I can start but, 27 is not 21.

I didn't consciously know when I was a child.  I knew I didn't like girly things, but it was easy for me to be slotted as a tomboy, so that's what I thought I was.  (I also thought other tomboys wished they were boys too.)  It wasn't until after puberty that I realized they didn't, and that didn't clear it up either.  I thought I was just a freak until I was 19 and discovered trans guys on youtube.  I'm 20 now.  Also:

Quote from: Shang on July 23, 2010, 04:16:15 PM
I have no idea if this is a phase or not.  If it's a phase, then it's been a long-ass one since I was 16 when I really realized something was off about 11-ish when puberty hit and I'm 21 20 now.  I hope this isn't a phase because I plan on transitioning, at least part-way.  I don't think it's a phase, but it could be.  At least how I plan on transitioning, I'd be able to live well enough with the results so I'm not too worried about it.

I never really thought about it as a kid.   Honestly it was because of my environment, though, I think.

I grew up on a farm and had cousins that lived in adjacent farms.  I was always raised to see women and men pretty much equal.  I never played with the boy cousins, only the female ones, and tended to enjoy working with my mom on the weekends than in the fields.

It wasn't until I started puberty and the girls went down a path that I couldn't follow socially that I realized I was different.   In my day, living in the middle of nowhere, the only exposure we ever had to Transsexuals was on Jerry Springer or Donohue.   To this day, I remember watching one of those shows where a bunch of transsexuals were paraded around in bikini's and treated like crap and thinking that perhaps I was a freak.  That was my first exposure to who I was and people treated them horribly.  It was very impressionable to me in my pre-teen years.

When I was 14, my mom caught me one summer with some of her makeup on and she got upset and (in a threatening tone) asked if I needed to go back to see a therapist I had seen a few years earlier  (In retrospect, I should have said yes.)   In the end, I suppressed everything and fooled myself until the Internet became available and one day I discovered that I wasn't a freak. 

That wasn't until I as 19.  I was on my own and trying to survive and build a life for myself and I set it aside until I felt I could handle the potential drama.  Honestly, in that timeframe, there simply weren't any resources available to help me get to where I wanted to be so I had to teach myself how to be a woman.

I see everyone on this forum and in the support group that I go to and I'm amazed at how young and adjusted everyone is.   It's night and day from when I was their age.   It sort of brings a warmth to my heart knowing that kids have places they can go to figure out who they are.

I guess the point of my little ramble is:

Be true to yourself.  You are doing a lot of deep introspection and analysis of your emotions at a time when emotions are running crazy.  (Ahh, to be young again.)

But always remember that there are resources and people who can help you.  And society is becoming much more conscious of us.  When the time is right, you'll know what you want.  Take heart in your decisions and be courageous as you walk your path.  In the end, it's you that takes care of you. 

Ok ... enough rambling ... I'll hush now.