Hi all, I just registered here a few minutes ago. I haven't really decided on a name yet, so you can call me CJ. I'm on a quest to find a fellow trans person in Lexington, Kentucky. I need an understanding friend I can talk to.

I'm kinda shy and I'd prefer not to join any groups, mostly because certain people in my family are well acquainted with people who know people, and I'd prefer my family not know I haven't "grown out of that phase" as my mother so eloquently put it 4 years ago.

I'm still pre-everything, but as soon as I have a job and have my student loans securely budgeted, my first priority is therapy and hormones.

I'm 20 years and 6 months old, overweight and in need of some serious motivation. All I ever do is sit around on the computer all day, and it makes me very lonely and fat 

I've spent the last 4 years regressed in a mindless automaton state, just playing the role expected of me to survive. I tried to come out my sophomore year of Highschool but my family made fun of me until I stopped talking about it and it was all but forgotten. Then I turned 18 and my mother brought me in to sign up for college at the same place she works at. Being in the automaton mode, I just went with the flow without thinking. That secured another 2 years of waiting so my mother didn't find out.

I graduated 6 months ago, and I stumbled across a web comic called Venus Envy, spent over half a day reading from the beginning. It shattered my Vulcan facade, and now I'm back to feeling real emotion. And it hurts like hell. I keep sighing as if I can't get enough oxygen, and I've skip meals. I even discovered I've been using food to fill my emptiness, which explains why I got fat in the first place

If anyone here is from Lexington looking for a friend, and would like to be my mentor, my friend, and maybe even my family, please help me out. I just need somebody to talk to who understands, somebody to walk around with and chat, somebody to teach me how to eat right.

I sincerely hope I'm not breaking any rules with this plea, I only really skimmed them a few minutes ago. I've been slipping into another depression and being lonely all the time is so not helping 

Thanks for listening

Hi CJ,

Welcome to our little family. Over 5400 strong. That would be one heck of a family reunion.

Feel free to post your successes/failures, Hopes/dreams.  Ask questions and seek answers. Give and receive advice.

But remember we are family here, your family now. And it is always nice to have another sister.

And be sure to check out these links ( MUST READS )

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Hugs and Love,
Janet

Thanks!

The posting ranks was very helpful. I thought my browser was broke when I couldn't figure out how to edit my profile. It's always great to find out you're not entirely insane.

Hey, CJ, welcome.  I'm not from Kentucky, but I can relate.  OMG, when I read your first post, so much of it sounded just like me.  Especially

QuoteAnd it hurts like hell. I keep sighing as if I can't get enough oxygen, and I've skip meals.

The part about the sighing - yup.  But... CONGRATULATIONS, for waking up so soon!  I'm 54, and I've spent the past 30 years stuck in that zone.  Got a wife and 3 kids.  Be VERY glad you don't have those complications.  I know, having to deal with your parents and siblings will often seem really bad, and in fact I'll have to deal with mine as well, but not being married... that's REALLY good.  Anyway, just wanted to say welcome to the fold, and whether there's someone here from KY or not, I'm sure you'll find a good friend and mentor.

Thanks for the welcome

This is actually the 4th time in my life I've come out of that zone, but the second time I actually had any idea what was going on. I remember in the 6th grade I couldn't even get out of bed because I was so depressed, didn't eat for a week. I had a recurring fantasy, imagining how my life would be growing up as a girl, but I just didn't understand at the time. I wish so much I could have just freaking Googled it. I had just built my first computer too >_<

My last depression lasted half a year. I think I used up four times as much air than is normal.

I like to imagine most trans people have had similar incidents they can relate to, and even similar hobbies or experience. Or maybe I'm just really good at finding the like minded to read about or talk to.

Oh, you'll be surprised at how similar peoples' stories are.  Very spooky.  But it does make it a bit easier to discover the truth of your own story, when you see it reflected so often in others.  I had a heck of a time in my life, because whereas I identify internally as female, I'm also primarily attracted to females, which made the denial awfully easy, and the truth terribly confusing.  The first 2 or 3 weeks after my re-awakening (see the ticker below) were truly hell - I just didn't know whether I was coming or going, or which way was up.  Emotional free-fall.  Just know:  it does get better.  I'm a lot calmer these days, and I'm finally starting to truly explore my inner self, and I like what I'm finding.  I do know that bringing that stuff OUT is going to be rough, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do, sometimes.  We HAVE to be selfish, because nobody is going to watch out for us but us.  Just take it one day at a time, and you'll do fine (I keep telling myself that, also - this is scary stuff!).

I never really even knew what I was attracted to. I always just assumed it was females because of the social norms, but sometimes I'd see a guy I would look at for too long and I punished myself mentally for it at first, and then it's "It has to be normal, I'm sure every guy my age goes through that curiosity thing" and then I'm right back to punishing myself for bad thoughts.

It wasn't until my third depression, or the first awakening as you might put it, that I finally decided to open up and explore what I like and don't. It turns out I like a whole lot more than I ever thought.

I can still put up a good front. I don't think this depression I'm in is very noticeable to anyone but myself. I've gotten pretty good at playing normal. I wake up on time, I force myself to eat a meal or two, I fake a smile and a laugh when I need to. I always look frowny, so there's no real tells other than the tabs I have open in Chromium.

I really hope I can find someone I can go to outside the computer screen though. I've been crying myself to bed a couple times in the past few days. I can only do it if my brother isn't occupying his top bunk. Otherwise I have to fight myself to quickly rotate thoughts like an ADHD kid so I don't get caught up in a trap of emotion.

And to think, I once honestly believed I liked being alone....

Quote from: CJHard on August 03, 2010, 08:15:34 PMI really hope I can find someone I can go to outside the computer screen though. I've been crying myself to bed a couple times in the past few days. I can only do it if my brother isn't occupying his top bunk. Otherwise I have to fight myself to quickly rotate thoughts like an ADHD kid so I don't get caught up in a trap of emotion.

And to think, I once honestly believed I liked being alone....

I know exactly what you mean.  I finally met someone in person just yesterday, and also the weekend where my acceptance truly began was a big Gay Pride weekend in Toronto (go figure), so I know that spending time with someone who's actually there makes all the difference.  I'm sure there is at least one good support group near you, and I bet you'll find out about them here.  The Internet really is a fantastic thing.  When I was your age, I had no way to find out information, and no way to ask for help, one reason I now find myself in this predicament...

I'm somewhat hesitant about going to a support group. I'm very shy in crowds until I get to know everyone, and then all you have to do is introduce one new person and I'm back to listening quietly in the corner. I also have a bit of history here in Lexington. I've gotten to know enough people from my college that I see them everywhere I go on every rare occasion that I get out of the house.

I really really don't want word to get back to my mom, not now. I have no job, no drivers license, very little money (I sold a computer computer I bought last year for $850, originally worth $2200. Stupid impulse buys and not thinking *grumble grumble grumble*), student loans come due this month, my youngest brother is having to pay car insurance for me so he can use my car to get to work. If I get kicked out now, I'm pretty well screwed.

If it weren't for most of those facts, I would pack up right here and now and drive myself back to California where I grew up. I could live in my car for a while as long as I can afford a gym membership for the showers and food to live on until I land a job there.

Well, CJ, I can only offer hugs, and cyber-hugs at that, but you definitely get them from me - my heart goes out to you, hon.  Life is difficult at the best of times, but with this sort of thing in the mix, it is a real drag (sorry, the puns just seem to find me sometimes, lol...).  I truly hope you find someone local to you that you can confide in, because I think you're exactly right - that's what you need right now.  You need to get motivated to get out of the house, and take on life.  You know what you need - you need a job, first and foremost, and then you have options.  It really is hard, but I know you can do it.  Please know you're in my prayers, girl...

Hi CJ, greetings from the even-further -south!

One of the best ways to help combat depression is exercise,(been there done that) so if you can make the effort to even go for a walk around the block, you will have made a start on managing both the weight and depression issues.  Give yourself a pat on the back for being decisive when you get back. Only a small step, but a step nevertheless. Damn sight cheaper than a gym too!

Go girl,  Sandra.

Quote from: CJHard
/quote]
In the meantime get some cash together to pay for a hour with a shrink/therapist who has dealt with other transsexuals and go tell him/her your story and if they say you sound like a genuine TS then go home an dtell your folks that you are starting transition and if they don't like it you can leave and go to californai and live in the car and wash in the gym and die of starvation cos california is a basket case...but personally I'd mosey on down to the Gulf and start scraping oil off the beaches.

I feel it would be far easier to find work and live life in nicely populated city in California than it would be here in Kentucky. Most self-identified rednecks here don't take too kindly to "those pretty-boys" :/ California may be collectively crazy, but San Francisco sounds a whole lot more accepting of diversity and differences than any place here in Kentucky.

It's just not at all a convenient time to pack up and move right now.