When I came out to my mom, she asked a lot of questions.  This seemed like a good sign.  She seemed genuinely interested in learning about what it's like to be an ftm.  But she went so far as to ask about how to convert female parts to male parts in enough detail to make me feel uncomfortable.  She didn't just want general information - she asked specifically what I planned on doing with the genitals I had been born with.  I went ahead and gave her the same general information anyone can find online, but really, I don't think my mom needs to know what's in my pants.  As time goes on, I feel increasingly uncomfortable about having talked to her about that side of things at all.  And creeped out by the fact that she asked.

In fact, I haven't brought up being trans with my mom again simply because I know now that if I do, she'll imagine me packing, at the very least, and might ask me about packing, bottom surgery etc.  I'm just not comfortable discussing anything about my genitals with members of my immediate family.  That's not odd, right?

I know that friends, acquaintances, and strangers can sometimes be rude, or just awkward, and ask overly personal questions.  But I expect my family not to ask questions about my private parts.  I'm not resentful of my mom because I assume that was just her way of reacting to something surprising, but it still makes me dread potentially talking to her about anything related to being trans again.  And that could be a problem.

Has anyone experienced anything similar?  If so, how did you / do you deal with it?

Thanks!

Alex

That would make me feel a little awkward.

My family deals with it by talking as little as possible about it and pretending like the issue doesn't exist.  I actually wish they would ask some questions, though if it was anything that personal, I'd probably tell them I wasn't interested in talking about it right then.

The only real family I have is my ex and she does not want to know anything.   She does know that I have had an Orchidectomy, thanks to a mutual friend pass that bit of info along, but she wants to know nothing.

Thankfully not yet in my case, but I think it's down to the people they are. My family aren't too detail-focussed in general, and so I can't imagine them asking me about this sort of thing. Precisely because of that, I doubt you're alone. I can't imagine what to suggest, other than asking our family to respect certain boundaries, just as anyone, trans or not, would hope when it comes to sexual relationships, your last medical procedure, bowel movement...

I'm the opposite. I would love such questions. As it is they don't ask me anything. I find that really hard. So I blab on about my transition until mum says "I don't need to know". I set it as a challenge that I will answer any question from anyone. But I would draw the line at sexual activity. That is personal. (Although I have friends I talk to about that too  )

I do have some friends that ask me all the details, how they construct a vagina etc.. I'm really happy to talk about it.

One of my mothers most irritating habits was her tendency to launch into detailed medical discussions just as we were sitting down to a meal. Sadly after WW2 she was a first year med school student at the Johns Hopkins, which she abandoned, for reasons which I never discovered, when she decided to come home to the UK.

She later went on to work at the BBC as a producer of medical segments for radio shows. Consequence was she had a shed load of detailed information including on the effects of HRT and the methods of SRS and she insisted on telling me all the gory details of what would be done to me!

Other members of my family probably did ask loads of questions, but I almost never got the chance to answer them as mum was always quicker off the mark! 

My mom once asked if I was horny because of going through puberty with T. I don't know if that's personal or not.

Jenny - wow, that sounds like it would have been awkward.  Or did you simply appreciate that she was accepting and taking an interest in what you were going through?

I really appreciate the fact that I do have family, and that they're probably not going to disown me over this.  It is probably better for my mom to ask too many questions than not want to talk about it.  I just feel really weird about discussing anything remotely sexual with anyone in my immediate family.  I don't mind discussing sexual stuff with people I'm not related to, and I'm fine with my family asking questions about trans-related stuff that doesn't have to do with sex or sexual organs.

I like my brother's attitude the best: "Hey, whatever you want to do . . .  It would be fun to have a brother . . .  You know, do what makes you happy."  My dad just doesn't want to talk about it much, but at least he doesn't seem to hold it against me in any obvious sort of way.  And my mom just wants to know everything about everyone in the family.  But she's also very accepting and supportive.

I think I'm just going to wait to bring it up with her again until it's been a bit longer since we last talked about it, and if she asks any questions I'm not comfortable answering, I'll recommend a book or a website.  I do want to encourage her to be well-informed, but boundaries are also important.

My mum has never really asked any personal details on surgery or personal intimate details about my relationships with my boy friends.  She does know some of my personal feelings in regards to my change and also knows, I'm trying to get my birth certificate.  So I'm happy with this sort of level of information and as time goes by and the subject comes up a little more information on what I did or do gets revealed.

However I have two 'sisters' who know a lot more information about my personal feelings and few more personal details like dilation and the need for it and I told them, because I sensed that they genuinely really wanted to know, but not about the surgery itself or sex.  Then again nobody will get that information and only my partners will know about the sex details.

My family know that if they want to ask me a question they can, but none have never really asked.  I'm happy with the ways things are and sometimes people do not want that level of information or as they say these days, that's too much information (TMI).

So long story short, No, my family has not asked overly overt personal questions and I will decide at the time whether I will answer such questions.

If you feel uncomfortable about such questions then politely refuse to answer them.  You only tell people about your personal life details only if you feel comfortable in doing so and family are no different in this respect.  What you tell anybody is always up to you and if you do there will always be consequences, good or bad

Kind regards
Sarah B

Yes, my mum has asked me about bottom surgery, which one I want etc. I think it's good that she's interested in my transition and is supportive but i'm uncomfortable speaking about genitals with my mum  Luckily now she knows the basics she hasn't asked anything else.

The most my parents (well...my mom actually, dad rarely talks to me) ask is whether or not I'm making the right choice and are you going to get "it" removed as well? They don't usually ask for more information than that.

Quote from: jmaxley on August 06, 2010, 04:47:06 PM
That would make me feel a little awkward.

My family deals with it by talking as little as possible about it and pretending like the issue doesn't exist.  I actually wish they would ask some questions, though if it was anything that personal, I'd probably tell them I wasn't interested in talking about it right then.

That's how my parent is too, she just seems to ignore it and hasn't brought it up or said anything about it since we had a talk and I came out to her. I figured she would have questions or something, anything. Maybe I'll sit down with her and see how she is feeling about it since we talked.

Anyway, that would be really awkward and I almost always draw the line at sexual questions too. If I consider something personal than they don't need to know, if that offends them then well.. sorry but it wasn't my fault. I hope everything works out for you Alex!

I'm really close with my mum so she knows everything if not from asking then from me telling her. Sometimes the details confuse her and she stops me and asks for the simple version. I don't think I have any secrets with my mum she even knows about me even my history of drug use and ...ok not all the guys I've been with in the past but I don't count the horrible one night stands as worthy of mention
My dad can handle more detail but he rarely asks, we're cool but not as close.
I really wish some of my friends would ask more questions, I feel that they're just accepting for the hell of it. It's like they may not understand it or agree with it but because of friendship they go along with it. I've tried bringing it up but most just shrug it off and say it doesn't matter :S
Maybe one day they'll feel comfortable enough to ask more questions... questions beyond the surface! ^____^

My brother asked me if I was going to get SRS just so I could have sex like a woman..... 

My home healthcare worker asked me what they do with 'it' after they cut it off.... I hate explaining to others the basics of SRS. I am not a surgeon. This kinda thing makes me squeemish.

My grandma oddly enough did ask some questions which in itself was awkward because I came out to her over the phone and couldn't gauge her reactions. I just used as professional words as possible but even the word genitalia said to my grandmother was awkward. As for my mother she wanted to know about chest surgery and supported it (we have breast cancer in some of the family I guess). I told her I wasn't interested in lower surgery unless it gets better which avoided a lot of awkwardness. Usually now it just is avoided. 

I'm not in touch with my parents, and although I've been in contact with my brother, he's never really asked me anything. I volunteered information, and he didn't ask for more. I could assume that he's letting me have my privacy, but I just think he's not very interested. If he did ask, I don't know if I would be uncomfortable. I'm uncomfortable talking about my current anatomy, so I guess I would feel awkward.

If I had a...well, a normal mother and were on speaking terms with her, I think I would be acutely uncomfortable telling her about my junk.

My family doesn't ask much of anything about all this yet, certainly not much that pries into awkward territory.

The people at work, the Lodge, etc. have a tendency to skip to genitals as quickly as possible.

There was one person an acquaintance who asked like 300 questions over 2 hours many I considered abit personal. But I was mostly fine with it because I'd rather they be curious and naive than hostile and ignorant.

He would ask me quite prying questions about my underwear and breasts and breast development. :/ He wasn't trying to be pervy he just knew next to nothing beyond what we were called... He also asked about medicines and bits about my past as a guy.

I am jealous that your mother is so interested :/

I am not out to my parents, but pretty much everyone else knows. I haven't really been asked a lot of questions. Like, none at all... not even a "how did you know? Are you sure you're a guy? Are you going to have surgery?" nobody is curious at all. The only questions I have got were completely intended to be rude, and were overly personal when the topic of my sexual partner came up.