(didn't really think this belonged in any of the sub category's, but sorry if it did)
I decided I wanted to start therapy before coming out and before starting my reall life experience, but it just didn't work. It took me a week to work up the guts to call the gender clinic, and then when I called the women gave me another number to call (she just directs people), it took me another day to call them, but no-one answered, and it said to leave a message, which I didn't, and I called back a dozen more times over the week, each time not leaving a message. finally, this past Friday I left a message , and when they didn't call me back Monday I was concerned, so last night I sent an email, and this morning the doc calls me back, and I'm extremely stressed out talking to him but you know I want this appointment. turns out

1) they don't really do individual consultations for GID, they like to have family or a significant other to talk with too, something I'm not comfortable with
2) they don't take my insurance
3) a consultation alone is 600 dollars.  I don't have a job, I'm a college student who lives at home (at the moment) and is being financially supported by their parents, and my parents aren't gonna pay that.

I'm just really stressed right now. It's a combination of disappointment and concern. I mean what do I do now. I was so excited about started my RLE when school starts again, but I don't know if I feel comfortable doing it without a psychiatrist behind me. You know, if I email a professor and he refuses to call me by the name I ask him to, I'd have something more concrete to show them/the school, than just me saying "hey guys I'm a transsexual." There are always other shrinks, but before I found out about the gender clinic, I spent a lot of time searching for guys that cover gender identity, and I didn't really find any close enough to get to. everyone and their mother says that they work with gay and lesbian issues, but that's not what I need!

I just feel like I had delusions about things going smoothly, and now that they aren't I'm flipping out. It just hurts to have tried to take a step forward, but failed, and right now I cringe every time I am referred to as a female. I signed up at the gym with my mother about a week ago, and when we were there she called me "she" like 50 times when talking to the recruiter guy. I'm not out to her, so I can't complain, but I just wanted to rip someones head off.  = (

Can you contact the college's counciling service and ask them?

I understand that you want to get a psychiatrist backing you up. But not only will this take a long time, without any guarantee of success, it's also, as you've found out, very expensive. Personally, I woudn't trust any who lay down preconditions such as only talking to SO or family.

Also, you clearly have problems with your confidence. That most of us can identify with. But this is where you will need to take some control over yourself. Sooner, rather than later, you are going to have to present as a male.

It seems, from what you've written, that you want to move forward.

clothing wise, I do present as male, and have for a long time. I only started binding a month ago though. I guess it's a matter of coming out of the closet. I did mention it to my sister. We aren't really close, but somehow the conversation was moving in that direction, so I said it casually, and she didn't really seem put off, just told me that I never really gave being a girl a chance, and that I should try on some of her clothes. (she's really girlie)
and I've been to my school's counselors. (for depression). They aren't really equipped for this, and the sessions are limited. They're nice people, and if your stressed about finals or your roommate or something, I'm sure they could help you, but not this. But I may go back.

Quote from: spinaltap on August 09, 2010, 10:31:40 AM
(didn't really think this belonged in any of the sub category's, but sorry if it did)
I decided I wanted to start therapy before coming out and before starting my reall life experience, but it just didn't work. It took me a week to work up the guts to call the gender clinic, and then when I called the women gave me another number to call (she just directs people), it took me another day to call them, but no-one answered, and it said to leave a message, which I didn't, and I called back a dozen more times over the week, each time not leaving a message. finally, this past Friday I left a message , and when they didn't call me back Monday I was concerned, so last night I sent an email, and this morning the doc calls me back, and I'm extremely stressed out talking to him but you know I want this appointment. turns out

1) they don't really do individual consultations for GID, they like to have family or a significant other to talk with too, something I'm not comfortable with
2) they don't take my insurance
3) a consultation alone is 600 dollars.  I don't have a job, I'm a college student who lives at home (at the moment) and is being financially supported by their parents, and my parents aren't gonna pay that.

I'm just really stressed right now. It's a combination of disappointment and concern. I mean what do I do now. I was so excited about started my RLE when school starts again, but I don't know if I feel comfortable doing it without a psychiatrist behind me. You know, if I email a professor and he refuses to call me by the name I ask him to, I'd have something more concrete to show them/the school, than just me saying "hey guys I'm a transsexual." There are always other shrinks, but before I found out about the gender clinic, I spent a lot of time searching for guys that cover gender identity, and I didn't really find any close enough to get to. everyone and their mother says that they work with gay and lesbian issues, but that's not what I need!

I just feel like I had delusions about things going smoothly, and now that they aren't I'm flipping out. It just hurts to have tried to take a step forward, but failed, and right now I cringe every time I am referred to as a female. I signed up at the gym with my mother about a week ago, and when we were there she called me "she" like 50 times when talking to the recruiter guy. I'm not out to her, so I can't complain, but I just wanted to rip someones head off.  = (

Do you live in the US? there is no way it costs 600 thats insane i know therapists that charge $25 around here per visit. 

yeah, the u.s. It's not really a regular therapy session though. It's a sexual behaviors clinic, and the first thing they do is a 2-3 hour "consultation." They just seemed like the best option because they have a lot of experience with gender identity disorder.

Hmm, its hard to know what to say, but I understand where you're coming from. Finding the right people at the right price can be difficult. It took me awhile to find doctors and therapists, and like you I even had trouble making the calls. As for college, perhaps you could ask your professors in private to call you by your preferred name. Transitioning isn't as easy as it sounds and takes some time, but try not to be discouraged.

Check the Live Journal and Yahoo FTM communities for local guys who may direct you to people in your area.  Or try Dr. Peveller, the online gender therapist.  People here have used him and liked him.

$600?!  That's insane.  I thought my therapist was pricey at $150/hr.


Jay

Spinaltap.

It really sounds like you need to get things sorted out in your mind rather than get advice and support on transision. For that, from what you say, you seem to be doing quite well on your own.

Can you perhaps describe some of the problems you are feeling? What are your thoughts about yourself, your feelings and where you are going?

Incidently, don't get too worried about your sister. From her perspective, that's all she really knows.

I remeber, when I was about 15 I asked my older brother for advice on talking to girls. He put me in some of his old clothes, which, because he was soo much bigger than me, looked really sad. he then took me to a local hop and demonstrated how he picked up girls.

The problem is, I didn't want to dance. I wanted to talk to a girl to ask her how I could look like her. Doh!

well, I've been uncomfortable with my chest for a long while now, back in high school I use to fantasize about getting breast cancer, and then having to remove me entire chest, creepy I know, but it was one awesome fantasy.  and after I started binding, about a month ago, it's just gotten 100 times worse. I want it gone! but that's at-least a year off, I know, so I honestly want to get things started asap. I guess I'm the kind of person who bottles things up until they are unbearable, and then when I let it out I need things to happen. I'm also uncomfortable with my bottom half. =/
I've wanted to be male for as long as I can remember, but it's really only in the last few years that I've realized I DON'T want to be female at all.
I just want this so much, but I'm somewhat self defeating about it, because I don't think the people who know me now will ever truly be able to see me as a man, and I don't want to be a transsexual, I want to be a man. and that really bugs me. but I have no future as a woman. I've been clinically depressed for a long time with no hope for the future or desire to have one. A little over a month ago, I really accepted/embraced that I could do something about my gender dysphoria. I did a lot of research, and I was so happy. When I imagined myself 5 years down the road, as a transitioned man, I wanted to live. and then I felt like I couldn't do it, and for a few days I felt absolutely horrible, which made me realize, that I need this. but I guess I kind of hate this.

Quote from: spinaltap on August 09, 2010, 11:14:35 AM
yeah, the u.s. It's not really a regular therapy session though. It's a sexual behaviors clinic, and the first thing they do is a 2-3 hour "consultation." They just seemed like the best option because they have a lot of experience with gender identity disorder.

you dont need to go there, just go to a regular therapist.  It took maybe 1 hour for my therapist to say, yeah you got GID, what do you want to do about it, here are your choices.  Obviously i went with the first choice, transition.

Quote from: Izumi on August 09, 2010, 02:55:14 PM
you dont need to go there, just go to a regular therapist.  It took maybe 1 hour for my therapist to say, yeah you got GID, what do you want to do about it, here are your choices.  Obviously i went with the first choice, transition.

This ^^

Exact case for me. I am unsure of where you are, but I found a therapist that charges 85 per session where I live that specializes in this and I live in a state of 2 million people! I would call the college and ask for a listing, give a false name, it's not like they will know. Take that list and call all of the people.

I know it's scary but if you don't specify it's for gender identity then they'll never give you the right numbers. You can do it! Trust me, I know!

Gabby

$600 is crazy.  IIRC, I was looking at an online gender therapist that charged a little less than that for 12 sessions.

Some universities will offer counseling through their psychology department.  I did that for awhile, a grad student was my therapist.  They get graded on it, so they usually try to do a good job.  The university I went to charged a sliding scale fee, so I think I ended up paying $15 per session.  You don't HAVE to have a gender therapist, as long as you have a doctor who's understanding and willing to learn and work with you.  I called around until I found someone I thought I could work with and even though she didn't have much, if any experience with gender issues, she's been really great.

It sounds to me you found somebody who is milking being the only person in town that advertises for GID issues. I would call around some more, $600 is outrageous. It might sound counter-intuitive to what you're looking for, but call family clinics and ask them their charge for 1 on 1 counseling with a therapist for GID. I can't see it costing much more than 100 bux (if you find one that uses a sliding scale, maybe $50) for a visit. You need to save your money up .. the endo visit + tests + hormones are gonna be far more costly (and should be) than therapy.

Spinaltap.

You and I, and I suspect most others here, really are singing from the same song sheet.

I so much understand how you feel. Like you, I watched with utter horror and disgust as my body distorted itself.

More than that, the expectations that society imposed upon us because of our appearance.

There are a number of ways to reduce the visual effects. Most are described in the FtM section.

But the great thing about college is you will get the opportunity to express yourself more freely than anywhere else.

However much you dislike what you are facing, college is the opportunity to experiment with different ways to express who you are.

Please don't think I'm attempting to dismiss you. That is simply not true at all.

But having been to college, I just know what opportunities you will have.

Quote from: spinaltap
I'm not out to her, so I can't complain, but I just wanted to rip someones head off.  = (
/quote]

well if you're not out to anyone apart from us on susans you are going to have to get yourself outed to your mother (father around?) or at least make some effort to get seen by some medic who knows what's going on in your head as basically you are just fantasizing about changing sex.
we've all been there and we have all had to come out of the closet.
so open the closet door a little and let someone see what you say is the real you.
one thing I read about teen girls and GID was the possibility of some buried jealousy due to being second born and first birn getting all the attention.  These are things a therapist can explore with you.
what about borrowing your sister's prom dress and going to a party to see if you actually could like being a girl?

I'm my mothers 3rd and my father's 5th, and in terms of jealousy. I was the baby, and I had a brain tumor when I was 4, (which I'm considered cured from) so I got a LOT of attention. And sadly, appearance just isn't enough anymore. I've been dressing primarily as a boy since the second 1/2 of elementary school. but I've always let people dress me up so I know what it feel's like to be out and about dressed as a girl. I feel extremely awkward, and it's upsetting  that I have to be dressed in feminine clothes for people to tell me I look nice. I use to buy dresses, but I would wear them once or twice and then hide them away in closets. I order fashion magazines trying to find things I might wanna wear. Some of it's cute, but I don't want it on me. Stranger's have been mistaking me for a boy since I cut my hair short in 8th grade, and I LOVE it =), but it's not enough. I want the people who I have prolonged contact with to interact with me as a male, but I don't think they can really do that, and I don't know if people "trying" is enough for me, might just make me feel worse. I feel like if this were my freshmen year it would be easier, but it's my 3rd, so everyone and their mother already knows me. It wouldn't be the fresh start that I wish I could have. 

sorry to be pessimistic again, but, one thing the shrinks look for when you ask about transitioning is any possibility of brain damage as they think that might bring on strange ideas.

Quote from: lilacwoman on August 10, 2010, 03:35:21 PM
sorry to be pessimistic again, but, one thing the shrinks look for when you ask about transitioning is any possibility of brain damage as they think that might bring on strange ideas.

"Brain damage?"  Seriously?  He said he had a tumor when he was four.  In fact, I don't recall any of my therapists asking me if I had brain damage OR brain tumors.   

It's all good. I didn't suffer any brain damage, and if I get to the point wear that's a problem, I'll give my old neurologist a call and he'll set them straight. He followed me for 10 years after the surgery and there was never any evidence of anything gone haywire.