Thanks again you all, this time for your welcome. And the patience of reading my post. This one will be pretty long as well
Hmm, I was thinking a bit more about this term 'fluid' and how it feels for me. Maybe I should not label myself that, because it immediately puts me 'in a cage'. Anyway, it is a relieve to me that I am not the only one who actually feels the shiftings between genders.
Laurie0, you ask how often I move between feeling more male or female. This does not go with a solid rhythm. Mostly I feel more male then female. Sometimes one of the sexes is being triggered, and then I can surprise myself with for example suddenly being very female. In that way I do recognise things that Marc-Mia says, this two-in-one. Sometimes I have to push one away because it get's in the way of the other.
For example: the man in me is much more straight forwards then the woman, and less patient if it comes to subtle communication. The man in me would say things pretty blunt, while the female in me is very sensitive and much more subtile.
I definately do not always control who is the most upfront. I think my hormones got a lot to do with that, like before I need to have my period I am more female. Sometimes I just notice it, I feel an unbalance in my feelings and get specific things coming from estrogen (like being unreasonable emotional). On other times I really feel testosterone is raging through my veins and it's hard to find any female feelings in me. My mind is much more on sex, I feel more 'aggressive' (although this is not the word I'm looking for, I don't walk around literally aggressive, it's a feeling of 'fire in my veins'..).
It's all pretty difficult to describe actually. I have been thinking of writing things down some more, to see if there is a pattern I can recognise, how it works in me.
I feel that this is something that has got a lot to do with my hormones and with the way my brain functions. I think that it's a combination with the place in the brain that has got something to do with genderfeeling, combined with how much hormones my body produces.
I know that this feelings of raging testosteron is not something I make up in my mind. The most proof I got from that is this:
Being a bisexual biological 'woman', I have to protect myself against pregnancy. The thought of becoming pregnant is horrifying me, I have no intention of giving childbirth ever. (gruesome thoughts!) So, believe it or not, for a while I was so stupid to take the pill as birth control. Can you imagine, someone like me who has never felt like a woman, taking an extra amount of female hormones on a daily basis? Afterwards I can not imagine how I could have been this stupid! Anyway, after years of using the pill I decided that I needed to stop. After that I came back to my natural hormonal balance, and it needed some time to balance out.
What happened to me was in many ways the same that happens to 'women' who start to take testosteron injections. My voice got lower (my voice is pretty low anyway
) and I was completely focused on sex, like extremely. I felt very restless, felt much more 'agression', but at the same time it was like coming home to myself again. I noticed that I felt more at ease with myself, more selfconfident, and slowly my natural hormonal balance came back. Which is more to the male side. That is how I feel it.
In the period that I took the pill I still didn't feel female. But there where things that bothered me, plagued me, and in which I felt that this wasn't me!
Now I feel more in balance. This hormonal thing is very interesting to me, in my search of who I am. I have learned much more to see and feel the difference between the two opposites, and also to use them.
Sometimes it is pretty easy for me to switch, I can do it also by mindset. I can trigger myself, so to say. Maybe a certain state of mind triggers the hormones that my body produces. Like when you face something suddenly, it can give you an adrenaline rush. Adrenaline in me most often triggers a masculine feeling anyway.
But on other moments I would like to switch and I notice that this is not easy at all. Like when I need to have my period, I want to feel more masculine but then it just doesn't happen. The estrogen is in control then. Or also the other way around, the man in me is not always easy to live with so to say
... in that way, I have been thinking in the past, that it can be a schizophrenic feeling. The difference is that I function normal, have no psychological disfunctions whatsoever and I know myself pretty well. So, I am not schizo.
So maybe the term fluid is just not right. I better stuck with the label of androgyn if I have to put a label on me at all.
Do I make sense to you? To me it sounds still pretty crazy, and I am trying to figure it all out inside of me.
How do you al see this? Like what happens in your body? Because I truly believe that this is something I am born with, not something that is wrong psychologically. Do you recognise the feelings of changing hormones, for example?
Ah yeah, one last thing: I never feel completely masculine or feminine. It never comes to the point that I feel on one edge of the line. It's more like this, if there is a line with on one side feeling completely masculine and on the other side completely feminine, and there is a point in the middle of the line, I never go completely over that point. There is always both genders in the field I am moving in. It's just that one moment it is in perfect balance, man-woman, and on an other moment one of the two genders is taking more space.
I hope this makes a bit sense, sometimes I struggle with language. Being Dutch my English is not so broad as yours.
