This is a bit long  so if you bore easily you may want to just pass this one up. But if you are up for a challenge or pride yourself in deep conversations this may be of interest to you.

I am going to hash some thoughts out in print here because sometimes thinking out loud seems to help resolve things that are tumbling around in my head. I have a way of dealing with things in a logical sence and since this issue I am faced with is an emotional one there is no logic to apply to it. But there are things that may be logically explained if the words are chosen carefuly and put into a certain context so that others that don't understand me can grasp what it is I am trying to get across.

For starters lets begin with "I feel like a woman, or feel feminine". This is what I tell people but there is really nothing to base this on. Just what does it feel like to feel this way? Is it mental? Is it physical? How would one describe this?

I can only describe what it feels to be feminine by how I feel inside. Now lets break this down. Just exactly what do I feel? An emotional thing? Is it a wash of warm blood coming to the surface of my skin making the very cells jump with excitement? Do I feel like swaying my hips more, and pulling my shoulders back farther to expose my breasts more? Is it a subconscious thing that causes the limp wrist effect when I talk, or put my hands on my hips without knowing it? Or maybe its an image in my mind of a feminine woman and my imitation of something beautiful trying to mock that wich I long to be? I get very soft, my voice changes and my words are sweet and caring. My legs are curled up, I sleep in the fetal position and want to be held and comforted. It is very difficult to explain. I feel a little bit of all of these things. I have phantom feelings of breasts and will wake up at night rubbing my chest only to have nothing there. I feel wet between the legs only to have nothing there. But are these things females feel? How would one know? Some days I feel more girly and just want to do my nails or dye my hair. Somedays I want to throw on a skirt and some heels and just walk around being pretty. Other days I could care less. To put "what do you mean you feel like a girl" into a logical explanation to somebody that asks that question is a daunting task. And one must be careful not to generalize the female population because they are so different from one another. There are super girly girls, tomboys, average women and some that are sexy and some that are not. But if you took the major percentage there is a common ground between them. Is this a genetic thing, socialization, hormones, or a combination of the three?

I do know what it feels like to have estrogen coursing through my viegns. Its everything that feels feminine or what I thought it would feel like. Its calming and relaxing and overwhelming. Its emotional and sad and happy. Its a wave of euphoria followed by a crash of sudden fear and knowing what the outcome will be. But deep down it is excitement that is brewing under my heart in the pit of my stomach, the fire that has been lit since childhood gets stoked and that feeling grows with each day. So I say I feel feminine and get a lot of blank stares.....

Next.....

Then I say I want to be a woman. Biggest question is why? My answer, why not? I feel feminine, I want to be pretty and have breasts and paint my nails and have long hair and the only way to do these things is to assume the role of a woman. But why would you want this? What is it in you? Are you mentaly damaged? Perhaps I am. So what is it in me that makes me feel this?

All I can say is its like a sinus infection or a stuffy head that doesnt really hurt or clog up my passages. It does put constant pressure on my brain and squeezes thoughts out of it and I mean thoughts of being a woman 24x7. It is the first thing I think about when I wake up and my last thought before I go to sleep. It hammers away my thoughts and I swear 80% of my mental resources are used to fight these thoughts. I have a hard time concentrating on many things such as my job and my family and things I want to do or used to do. I constantly search for something new or different that will occupy my mind or time. The only thing that can completely take me away are games such as Far Cry, FEAR, DOOM, Half Life and others. Sometimes my ears feel very warm. It starts at the top of my head towards the middle of the top of my skull (inside about 1/2 inch down) and washes across my face and stays there like a mask. The frontal part of my head is under a pressure. Its almost as if there is a person behind my eyes trying to look out and get free. Are these mental or physical symptoms? Am I possessed? What I feel is physical. Many tell me to find something else to occupy my mind, but its hard to explain how hard it is to fight this. Over the years the attacks (I call them attacks because they come and go with an uncertain frequency and each one is worse and lasts longer than the last one seem to be closer together as well) have consumed my life.

I rarely dream anymore and when I do it is so vivid I will wake up laughing or my heart racing and a rush of excitement so real i cannot go back to sleep. When my attacks get really bad I do not sleep at all. I'll go night after night until i get too tired to sleep. I get grouchy and rude and sleep deprived symptoms come rearing out. What causes the lack of sleep is my mind racing so hard I cannot calm it down.

Another thing I think about is I was always attracted to feminity since I was five or six years old. I would steal panties and bras and panty hose and makeup and wear them and i would have this feeling come  over me of comfort. It was slight excitement but I think the more proper word would be happiness or joy. Maybe normalcy feels like that? I am not sure.

I would like to propose my main question at this point. If you were blind, would you still want to be a woman? Or for you FTM's would you still want to be a man? If we could not see the other sex/gender would the desire to be that wich we are not and feel that we are be so overwhelming that we would still want to change even though we could not see ourselves after transition?

My answer would be yes at this point because I feel these things as physical things. I have always felt these things. I feel I should have breasts and a vagina and long hair and smooth hairless legs, wide hips, and the feminine wash of estrogen coursing through me. But how much of what I see drives this? If i was on a deserted island would the feelings still be as strong? Does being in society bombarded with seeing women living out their everyday lives push the drive to change? Does my sight and hearing push the desires into a compulsion in wich a 24x7 drive pushes me to change so drastically?

I do not have the answers, just the symptoms and more questions. What I do know is how you explain to those that ask is very important. I know things should be private and its non of their business but I must have a logical explanation to tell people. I find myself stumbling to explain. I have come out to about 15 people and they don't really treat me any different yet I feel I failed in trying to explain my case.

To me, being a woman has nothing to do with dressing up sexy, wearing high heels, having ultra large breasts or an hourglass figure; it is just my essence as a human being.  When I was a child, I did not know the differences between maleness and femaleness, penises and vaginas, breasts or no breasts; however, I knew I was not a boy, and everyone who came in contact with me noticed that I had a very feminine demeanor.  I never tried to be girlish on purpose, you know; it was just the way I was.  I don't ever recall swishing my hips from side to side or pulling my butt out "to walk like a girl"  or "look like one".  I was simply me and everyone confused me for a girl although I tried very hard to act like a boy.

In my case, my essence has to do with "being a woman" and not with "feeling feminine".  The feminine part comes naturally, and it is the result of "being" a woman.

Again, if I were blind, I'd be saying the exact same thing, for in my case, it wouldn't change a thing since my womanhood does not depend on my vision but on my heart and brain.

Why do I need the body of a woman then?  Simply because I am a woman and need to have a body that is congruent with my essence.  I can not live in the world being "pure essence", I need the appropriate vessel of a female to be a complete person.  body+essence=me


tinkerbell

Quote from: Lori on November 28, 2006, 09:34:54 PM

Then I say I want to be a woman. Biggest question is why?

It took me several years to find the answer to this, the only question I couldn't answer for people.  One day my answer came to me: To be true to myself.

Then I knew it was right and the sacrifices worthwhile. 

After 6 years as a married woman, I rarely face the question anymore, but, when I do, the answer remains the same.

You will find your answer, Lori.  Somehow, I think it will be much like mine.

Huggz. 

Robyn

I suppose you can use an analogy of being similar to a round peg and a square slot; The round peg can masquerade as the square peg but does not really 'fit' nor belong.  I believe we use 'established norms', such as 'boy/girl' and or 'man/woman', as a basis of comparison because describing our essence is a very tricky thing indeed. Such terms are a good summery that those we are conversing with can relate to, and if nothing else they get the idea across .  After all, what does it feel like to be a man? I have no more idea of that than I do know what it feels like to be a woman. But, I do know what it feels like to be me, and really, it is all subjective.

Quote from: Lori on November 28, 2006, 09:34:54 PM...
If you were blind, would you still want to be a woman?
...

If I were blind would I still be a girl?

That is, after all, the heart of the problem.

For example I didn't know what the female anatomy was like until 13 or so, and yet I knew at an early age that I didn't like what I had.

Quote from: Lori on November 28, 2006, 09:34:54 PMAll I can say is its like a sinus infection or a stuffy head that doesnt really hurt or clog up my passages. It does put constant pressure on my brain and squeezes thoughts out of it and I mean thoughts of being a woman 24x7. It is the first thing I think about when I wake up and my last thought before I go to sleep. It hammers away my thoughts and I swear 80% of my mental resources are used to fight these thoughts. I have a hard time concentrating on many things such as my job and my family and things I want to do or used to do. I constantly search for something new or different that will occupy my mind or time. The only thing that can completely take me away are games such as Far Cry, FEAR, DOOM, Half Life and others. Sometimes my ears feel very warm. It starts at the top of my head towards the middle of the top of my skull (inside about 1/2 inch down) and washes across my face and stays there like a mask. The frontal part of my head is under a pressure. Its almost as if there is a person behind my eyes trying to look out and get free. Are these mental or physical symptoms? Am I possessed? What I feel is physical. Many tell me to find something else to occupy my mind, but its hard to explain how hard it is to fight this. Over the years the attacks (I call them attacks because they come and go with an uncertain frequency and each one is worse and lasts longer than the last one seem to be closer together as well) have consumed my life.

I rarely dream anymore and when I do it is so vivid I will wake up laughing or my heart racing and a rush of excitement so real i cannot go back to sleep. When my attacks get really bad I do not sleep at all. I'll go night after night until i get too tired to sleep. I get grouchy and rude and sleep deprived symptoms come rearing out. What causes the lack of sleep is my mind racing so hard I cannot calm it down.

While it may be true that flu-ridden patients suffer muscle-ache and fever, it does not necessarily follow that someone exhibiting those symptoms has contracted the flu virus.

I assume you were born with a penis and a male body. Regardless of how you view that body (or intend to modify it) or how feminine you feel, this remains biological fact.
While you may feel that the symptoms validate your 'true self', the ailment is one of identification (who and how you wish to identify) NOT who you are.
Prognosis - uncertain.  Suggested course of treatment - examine your (inner)self regularly. 

Quote from: Lori on November 28, 2006, 09:34:54 PM
For starters lets begin with "I feel like a woman, or feel feminine". This is what I tell people but there is really nothing to base this on. Just what does it feel like to feel this way? Is it mental? Is it physical? How would one describe this?

I would argue they're two aspects of the whole person. It's a semantic difference. Female is about your sense of being, the mind-body experience, and feminine is the personal and social expression of that experience. They're interwined in our whole being, in our personality, temperament, perspective, experience, etc. The whole of women express the range of each. All females feel and think differently and all have different personal and social expressions, from the almost entire masculine to the feminine. And we fit in there somewhere.

While men can be feminine, usually described as effiminate, they can't be female, and why, in my view, we're transwomen (not transsexual) - since we don't have the same female experience (by birth) as natal females/women. In our case, we're a unique experience and expression of the male-female sex/gender spectrum and diversity, just part of the human diversity and expression.  In short, we are who we are, just women amongst us.

Just my thoughts. Good luck.

--Susan--

Lori, I can echo many of the things you have felt.  I used to feel a lot like that (before transition) including.  I started swaying my hips more (without even realizing what I was doing) and started relaxing my mannerisms.  I have always done the hands on the hips thing (and told I shouldn't), felt the phantom body parts (the phantom breast feeling is gone now and replaced with real ones), Of course I came across as gay, since I was feminine looking to begin with like many gay men look.

Now at the beginning of transition, I could have said I felt like a woman with no basis for comparison, but then I realized the truth was I felt like I should have been born a woman.  My body was a ticking timebomb really.  Transition was inevitable.  My body actually started transitioning for the last couple years without me even realizing what was going on.  My libido completely dropped, I started growing breasts (albeit tiny as in AA cup) and my skin softened.  This is one of my theories about why my body reacted so well to hormones.  Essentially they were just a boost for a naturally happening process.  I think at some point these changes are what made me really susceptible to coming out of denial about who and what I was.  Then it just took one little incident and the walls cracked.

See the thing is, I just be myself and don't do anything special and then I am told by others that I vibe female really strongly.  I'm not exactly sure what this means, but I don't really feel that how I act is much different than before transition, but it is very reaffirming to hear that.

At this point, I really feel no need to justify why I'm doing this, other than to say it just feel right and natural.  I am much happier as a woman than I was as a man and I can honestly say that even living as a man, there were still times I was happy, because I believe many times when a person is happy, it is for gender neutral reasons.

So, I see myself as living as female from last July to here on out and before that as living as male.  I don't deny who I was or how I lived.  I used to be afraid that if people knew I used to live as male, they would suddenly perceive me to be male now.  I no longer have that worry (in regards to most people), since just being myself tends to be enough to qualify me as female.

So, back to the original question.  Why did I feel the need to be female?  Because it was the right thing to do.

Melissa

Quote from: Lori on November 28, 2006, 09:34:54 PM
Another thing I think about is I was always attracted to feminity since I was five or six years old. I would steal panties and bras and panty hose and makeup and wear them and i would have this feeling come  over me of comfort. It was slight excitement but I think the more proper word would be happiness or joy. Maybe normalcy feels like that? I am not sure.

Quote from: Tinkerbell
I knew I was not a boy, and everyone who came in contact with me noticed that I had a very feminine demeanor.  I never tried to be girlish on purpose, you know; it was just the way I was... I was simply me and everyone confused me for a girl although I tried very hard to act like a boy.

And these seem to be the two main tracks this thing takes, one or the other.

And darn it, I can't relate to EITHER. Not really.

I never really focused much on the stuff associated with being female...  the feminine clothes and jewelry, or even the games and toys and easybake ovens. And acting feminine? Oh I dunno, I suppose so in my introverted way, but no one ever thought I WAS a girl once past my earliest years. Everyone told me I was a boy, so I figured I was... just a really messed-up boy who longed to be a girl for some reason.

I was just so darn focused on wanting that LIFE. To have been BORN that way, to grow up that way, to be accepted and treated as a girl. The clothing and games and "feminine things..." sure, they were appealing, but not quite the point. I didn't really notice them, I was too busy thinking about the girl-ness behind it all. I never looked at a girl and thought, "Wow, I wonder what I'd look like wearing that skirt?" I'd look at her and think, "That should have been MY life." Yes, that *included* wearing and doing feminine things, but it was the overall life experience that I so, so deperately wanted. I wanted to BE cute and adorable, but not necessarily want to ACT cute and adorable. I wanted to feel sexy and alluring, but I didn't specifically crave to wear sexy clothes. I so desperately needed to be seen and perceived as a girl, but NOT because of what I wore or did, but because of who I AM, inside, somewhere, somehow in some annoyingly impossible, screwed-up, impossible way.

Even now, I'm not so sure transitioning is really going to do much for me. It's kind of too late, I missed my life already. I'm trying, I really am, but... what I really need is a Do Over, and that's just not happening. My soul may be female, my body increasingly female, but my life... my experiences... will they ever be? THAT's what I've needed since I was born, but... I just don't know. I can't erase the fact that I was born male, raised as a male, and expected to BE a male.

And I just don't know if I can ever erase those expectations from the eyes of everyone around me.

It is a common misconception that one has a female or male (mental) 'self'. 
One has an individual (unique) self.
You are born with certain strengths, weaknesses, character traits, predisposition to certain behaviours - yes
These may or may not be influenced by one's endocrinological system - yes
The self predicates the body - NO

Gender is a stereotype - no more, no less. It is a set of behaviors/attitudes which have, through sociocultural observation (and arguably development), exhibited some correlation with a particular sex. It is a filter through which you choose to identify or are identified by others in the world. That you happen to fall into a particular gender stereotype does not preclude you share any biological or intrapsychic connection with the associated sex.
To refer to 'gender self' in order to validate physical and/or endocrinological body modification is a misappropriation of the term gender.

Quote from: Kate on November 29, 2006, 02:17:16 PM
I was just so darn focused on wanting that LIFE. To have been BORN that way, to grow up that way...

Even now, I'm not so sure transitioning is really going to do much for me. It's kind of too late, I missed my life already...

See if this makes ANY sense... I don't understand it myself really, but I watch something like this, and... I just can't take it... I just collapse inside, crushed, defeated, broken. THATS what I want(ed). Not the STUFF, not the body parts, but the whole life put together, all the myriad of little tidbits, first kiss from a boy, dancing with girlfriends... I wanted to be able to look back on a girl's life and say "This Is Me."



I don't know WHY I feel this way, I don't think it's a matter of "being feminine" or envying feminine stuff. It's just how I feel, and always have. If I was blind, would I still FEEL this way? You betcha I would. It's a flavour I crave, like when you're body knows it needs salt or sugar, a hunger or thirst that drives me to find SOME way to satisfy it, to bring what's inside into the proper *context*, somehow, some way.

Quote from: Kate on November 29, 2006, 03:22:48 PM
See if this makes ANY sense... I don't understand it myself really, but I watch something like this, and... I just can't take it... I just collapse inside, crushed, defeated, broken. THATS what I want(ed). Not the STUFF, not the body parts, but the whole life put together, all the myriad of little tidbits, first kiss from a boy, dancing with girlfriends... I wanted to be able to look back on a girl's life and say "This Is Me."

Kate I completely understand and while watching that video I felt the same way.  The problem is you are dwelling on your past and it should be something to be avoided.  You have already started building a female life and you need to start creating these memories now so that you have something pleasant to look back on.  You now have the opportunity to live the remainder of your life as female and if you had never transitioned, then you would only have a life full of memories as male.  It's kind of a "take what you can get since it's better than nothing" approach.  When I look back on my past, I am not unhappy about it.  I just was who I was.  Does it really matter that I was living as a boy?  Not really at this point.  I am a person and I still am now who I was back then.  Does this help at all?  I mean consider your experiences and not necessarily in terms of gender context or appearance, but how you felt about doing all the stuff in your life so far.

Personally, I think every single person on this earth would like to rewrite their past based on what they know now.  It's human nature.  The problem is, we can't accurately predict the repercussions of doing such a thing.  Like I could say I wouldn't get married if I could change it, because it would have saved me the pain of a divorce.  But then I realize I learned so much during that time.  I had 2 kids from that.  I learned a lot from my wife.  I don't have the nagging "what if", had I gone directly to being female.  I know I tried my hardest and it just didn't work.  I have absolutely no regrets about transitioning.  I rarely wish I'd done it sooner for the above reasons and I'm certainly glad I didn't wait for obvious reasons.  So in conclusion, I think dwelling on the past is useless and is something I try to avoid.

Melissa

Lori thank you i learned a lot from reading through your post!
again thanks!
one of the things you said got me wondering

QuoteIf you were blind, would you still want to be a woman? Or for you FTM's would you still want to be a man?

I think for me yes....
I had a deaf dog born deaf so i always likened to treat her special the vet one day said R--- she's born deaf she does not know a hearing world so to her this is the world she knows, she does not know she has a disability...
I still treated her special!
Oh umm what point was i making???
ummm oh-so being blind or deaf would not; i think make me feel any differently.
when i had to explain my feelings to therapists and doctors i could but not do it well, its not a thought or something you see or read..
More like something you know, its in you?  A physiological piece that is just there hammering away at your psyches saying hello i am here.....hello...
I dunno if i am not making any sense here but I'll not ramble on, i enjoyed reading your post
Ricki

Time for more rambling and thinking outloud.

I wonder how I will feel after transition. I guess the point of doing it is to free up the 80% of my brain being used combating transition. If I had my whole mind to use I wonder what that would allow? To transition ....this is the only reason I would do it. Freedom from my own mind. Isnt it odd that something like this is self diagnosed, self driven, then a personal journey?

To change your body and and your outward presentation, wouldn't it make sence that you would lose people on the way? You are a completely different person. Nobody knows you. Yet inside your own mind you are the same person. You still know everybody and feel the same about them yet in a world that views somebody by what they look like, you are a different person to them. You have the same values and past, same knowledge.....confusing isnt it?

I guess maybe I'm trying to understand how a "normal" person that is happy with who they are and what they are feels about themselves. I suppose they dont consume most of their mental energy trying to put on a dog and pony show for others and fight back something inside them dying to get out. I guess it would be strange or maybe even horrific for them to change. What we do is extreme. I guess personaly transition will allow me to be free mentaly so that I can concentrate on life. Alll this is based on people that say once you become who you are, all will be well. Sounds like a leap of faith. Oh the risks of doing such a thing....

You're right Lori in what you think.. What a shame to have to lose soo much to try and gain so much of what should of been there all along...
Sort of like the "it's not the destination but the trip there" in our case the destination is a miracle but the trip is lousy
Kate said this and it hurts my heart cause it rings true for me!

QuoteTHATS what I want(ed). Not the STUFF, not the body parts, but the whole life put together, all the myriad of little tidbits, first kiss from a boy, dancing with girlfriends... I wanted to be able to look back on a girl's life and say "This Is Me."

hugs
R

Quote from: bananaslug on November 29, 2006, 02:35:18 PM

It is a common misconception that one has a female or male (mental) 'self'. 
One has an individual (unique) self.
You are born with certain strengths, weaknesses, character traits, predisposition to certain behaviours - yes
These may or may not be influenced by one's endocrinological system - yes
The self predicates the body - NO

Gender is a stereotype - no more, no less. It is a set of behaviors/attitudes which have, through sociocultural observation (and arguably development), exhibited some correlation with a particular sex. It is a filter through which you choose to identify or are identified by others in the world. That you happen to fall into a particular gender stereotype does not preclude you share any biological or intrapsychic connection with the associated sex.
To refer to 'gender self' in order to validate physical and/or endocrinological body modification is a misappropriation of the term gender.

This is your personal opinion and you are entitled to it.

I can definitely relate to what you are saying Lori.  The thing is, what are we willing to risk to be happy?  You cannot find the definition of happiness by looking at others who say they are happy, you can only find and know it in your own heart and soul.  I'm dealing with the fact that I may have to leave all the people I know and love behind in order to even start a transistion, and it's no easy task.  In the end, accepting the cost and moving forward is what will break me free of living a sham of a life, I know this, I just have to put one foot in front of the other to get things started (but it is soooo hard).  We are who we feel we are on the inside, no logic or reason involved.  We just are, and we have to embrace that, or it will tear us apart.  I deal with having to hide every little feminine movement I make at work, at least for the time being.  Those movements aren't something that I think about, it's just the way I am.  At first I thought something was horribly wrong with me, that I was mentally damaged or just plain screwed up, but then I realized that there are many others like me.  For no rhyme or reason are we like this, we just are.  Our part in the world shouldn't make us outcasts, it should make us rare and unique.  The stuggles of others that I've read about on this forum give me strength and hope that I can achieve my dream of putting off the shell of my former self, and move on with who I know I am on the inside.  I take comfort in the fact that I won't have to fight for much longer, given I have the strength to initiate the change in my life.  Remember, you are in the company of not only like members of society, but of friends as well 

Quote from: Lori on November 28, 2006, 09:34:54 PM
If you were blind, would you still want to be a woman? Or for you FTM's would you still want to be a man?

First off Lori I really really enjoyed your post as I can relate to A LOT of what your saying...especially the "phantom breast syndrome"....I find myself constantly cupping my breasts without even thinking about it...sometimes I look down and its as if my hands are not attached to me...I'm like...oh yeah!  But I highlighted that one quote because I found it a tad insensitive/ignorant towards people with disabilities and just thought I'd point it out!   While I can totally understand the point, you assumed that everyone here is not blind (albeit its probably a good assumption as this is the internet)!  My only fear is that comments like this one help to further perpetuate the stereotype that transsexuality is an able-bodied condition and, thusly, help to further marginalize those folk that suffer from multiple oppressions! 

JUst some thoughts!

Cheers: Pat

Pat thank you!
What you wrote was very very insightful at least to me.
thank you again..
elena

QuoteYou cannot find the definition of happiness by looking at others who say they are happy, you can only find and know it in your own heart and soul.

Another insightful bit....
Very well written thank you as well!
I hope others read some of this....
Ricki

Quote from: GQPAT on December 23, 2006, 07:38:34 PM

Quote from: Lori on November 28, 2006, 09:34:54 PM
If you were blind, would you still want to be a woman? Or for you FTM's would you still want to be a man?

First off Lori I really really enjoyed your post as I can relate to A LOT of what your saying...especially the "phantom breast syndrome"....I find myself constantly cupping my breasts without even thinking about it...sometimes I look down and its as if my hands are not attached to me...I'm like...oh yeah!  But I highlighted that one quote because I found it a tad insensitive/ignorant towards people with disabilities and just thought I'd point it out!   While I can totally understand the point, you assumed that everyone here is not blind (albeit its probably a good assumption as this is the internet)!  My only fear is that comments like this one help to further perpetuate the stereotype that transsexuality is an able-bodied condition and, thusly, help to further marginalize those folk that suffer from multiple oppressions! 

JUst some thoughts!

Cheers: Pat

First off, the visually impaired can surf the internet. They have braille keyboards and braille printers. They have sound...all you need to do is a Google and you will find that the visually impaired surf the internet just fine. They must purchase additional equiptment to do so, but it is available and widely used. I never made the assumption they couldnt. You went WAY to deep in assuming what I meant and said. It was a simple question you blew way out of proportion.

How is asking "IF you were blind" insensitive/ignorant? By assuming "that since this is the internet" and "I made a good assumption" is 10x's more offensive than anything I ever said, because you are SAYING the blind cannot surf.

You also have some strange fears about comments like mine. Sine NOBODY knows what causes transsexuality its open for debate and I was asking a simple question on just how powerful visual imput was to the mind. How much does what we see affect our issue of transsexuality? It would seem, I won't dare assume, but as I have been to a few therapists and have researched transsexuality to death, the average age where one knows they are different is around the ages 4-6. I knew at age 5 and since those that have sight cannot see from birth until around a few months of age then that would have given me around 4.5 years of visual imput to affect me. Had I never seen a woman would the drive to transition be as bad or strong? Being able to see what I am not, or what I feel I must become must have some sort of driving force, at least push it in a direction of stronger desire. Without the ability of sight I wouldnt know that women wear dresses, or the differnce between panties and underwear. I wouldnt know what a barbie looked like versyss a GI JOE. I wouldnt know that women looked curvy and had bumps on their chests and had longer hair.  I would only know the difference in voices and by touch I would know they were different and could probably put two and two together at that point but not until later in life. If this was a birth defect I could only assume I would still have this same problem. But how much does being able to see it everyday affect my desire to transition? I feel it puts it into overdrive on some days.   

If you want to assume that this is a birth defect then you have that right and then state having sight would not matter in that instance. If you KNOW its a birth defect then you are in line with 1 of my therapists but its not a proven fact nor what my other two agree with. Since its only a SWAG (scientific wild a$$ guess) or a hypothesis that it is a birth defect then its not written in stone nor fact. It is convincing when they looked at the BSTC region of the brain I will admit that, but it is NOT the general concensus of the entire medical community nor is it the final word. It could be geneteic and recent data has come up they have found Transsexual genes and that was posted here in this very forum not to long ago.  It could be a birth defect. It could be an psychological disorder. Some feel its due to my childhood. It could be physical damage as well from head trauma. It could be something else. They don't know. One half of the community says its biological the other half feels its psychological. Since the treatment and how to handle Transsexuals is in the DSM as of now, its being treated as a psychological disorder. That is not the validation I am hoping for. Basically I feel like I am crazy or some kind of nut because of this. I have physical symptoms so I feel its biological but have absolutley nothing concrete to base it on except what I say and trying to convince others this isn't my fault nor am I some kind of sexual perverted deviant sicko, is like pulling teeth.

I dont know where you got that there is a stereotype that Transsexuality is an able bodied condition and how what I said that would further that. Perhaps you would care to enlighten me.

Quote from: Lori on December 24, 2006, 08:31:54 AM
Basically I feel like I am crazy or some kind of nut because of this. I have physical symptoms so I feel its biological but have absolutley nothing concrete to base it on except what I say and trying to convince others this isn't my fault nor am I some kind of sexual perverted deviant sicko, is like pulling teeth.

The catch is, in the end, the cause just doesn't matter when it comes to the need to FIX things. Yes, it'd be nice to hold up some sort of medical proof to the ignorant masses to show them it's not a "choice," but prejudices run deep... the most prejudiced people are the least likely to listen to medical science anyway.

In the end, the one thing we DO know, within reason, is that TSism DOES NOT GO AWAY, and generally only gets worse over time. I can't prove it can't be beaten somehow, but I've never, ever found evidence of anyone doing it either. You can resist, you can fight, you can suppress and TRY to ignore it (good luck!), but... the point is it's ALWAYS there, nagging at you, it'll NEVER allow you peace until you deal with it somehow, in whatever way is appropriate for you.

The suffering is the same, whether it's a satan-inspired fetish to become your own sexual fantasy... or because our brains are truly "female" somehow. No matter what explanation you come up with, the feeling, the suffering does not change. And if you wait your entire life for "proof" that you truly do deserve to fix this... well...

I'd rather be on my deathbed thinking "oops," rather than "if only..."