Hya girls, Ive been coming here on and off for since 1998. The faces and site has changed over the years, and so has societies view on the trans community. Through the years I have also gone through changes, not as far as I had dreamed but, in that, I have learned and accepted about my self. My first recollection of me being different , was as a small child was telling my mom I wanted to dress like a daughter of her friend. I think some all GGs do at some point Is dress a boy up as a girl cause the want to make him cute. So be it, my first time as a girl was facilitated by my mom, complete with leotards lipstick and a sun hat. Later requests to play this "game" with my mom were followed by scolding and ridicule. As A young person MY role models were women my mom my grandma, and all their female acquaintances. when adult friends got together with their kids I rarely played with the boys, They either didn't want me with with them, or i played with the girls just because. It wasn't until i was six or seven I started to realize boys that played with girls and did girl things were chastised by the world. My next memory of my gender issue/push into the closet, was when my step father caught me wearing a bra I stole off my aunt. His answer to my activity was to put a switch on my head (form of wig) , put me in a dress and give me a bad make up job. We then paraded around the small town we lived in introduced as his daughter. I didn't mind the feeling girl part, but that was greatly overshadowed buy the fear and humiliation. Fear of repercussion by kids at school. Humiliation as in the sixties gender issues were unheard of. He later caught me wearing female clothing , and physically threatened to mutilate me "you dont want this thing" was a quote of his. That day "cured" me of any girl thoughts for a couple of years, when my mom split up with him and I carried on with my mom at 12. At that time my mom worked nights and I was able to have free run of the house including my mom closet. I dressed whenever I could and would wear sleepwear to bed, making I would return it by morning. We all know it was just a matter of time before I was caught being comfortable, once again ridicule and threats. AT one point I was asked by a family member If I "liked being a boy", I said no. BUT could not answer if I wanted to be a girl (I did not want any more humiliation.) I later found my self stealing clothes from female friends, department stores and wearing them In public. (oh It was sooo much easier to pass then) MY first attempt to try and figure this all out was with a psychiatrist in a group setting. He wanted no part of a trans person as his comment was "people wil find any thing to talk about when they are try to hide from something. Isnt that frigging hilarious . feeling I had no where else to go i just buried everything. Except for when i could not stand it any more I would steal clothes from where ever and dress and go out in the dark.
I finally started to see a Light at the end of the tunnel I heard of a gender group that me in my city. I found some some acceptance and resources to help my esteem and some one to talk about my feelings with. I also found Susan's place that was a big help also, it gave me a network of people in different stages of gender to relate to. I later hooked up with a gender doc and was on my way to getting some help and understanding. A year later I started hormones one of the happiest days of my life. When I started to notice that changes that my body was going through I became even happier. I was on cloud nine and my favorite 25cent word was finally . I took hormones under the care of a gender team for two years. It was then the sky started to darken and I realized I didnt have the set of nuts it takes to lose a set. I was ready to give up my kids , family my house. What terrified me was there was no way i could transition at my then employ,, and I was terrified of not finding another job. Smome may say that I started hormones to early and wasnt ready. that is possible but i dont regret being on hormones.
Since my failed transition I have pretty much been in the closet. Most of my wardrobe has been purged. Recently I have had the urge to do girl stuff (shop, dress, meet some new t friends). I have come to terms that I will not attempt another transition. I am too old , other than being a female my life is OK. Maybe Ill change my nick to "brie the weekend waress"
I do know one thing, had I had the resources available today, I would have reached the end of my journey. there is so much out there as opposed to 30 years ago. This site I believe is a fine resource for info and a place for like people to meet.
So, that is my story it may be a little long, but I wanted to share all of me, I guess it is my way to reach out to the sisterhood for friendship and acceptance And maybe a little therapy for me thanx for reading. please excuse the typing .
