Hello,

I'm been on T almost 4 months now.  I still don't really pass all that well at all.  I really thought I would by this point. 

On Monday I went to get breakfast by myself at a restaurant that was recommended to me called Burnt Toast.  I often eat by myself as I enjoy the time away with a magazine.  I got the standard "I don't know what you are so I won't call you anything" thing from the waitress.  Which isn't ideal but I can pretend in my mind that she considered me mostly male despite calling me 'dear'.  Then I went to the front to pay the bill with cash.  A very cute guy came up behind me to wait for his turn.  I gave him a side glance smile because I appreciate eye candy.  Then it happened.  "Thank you ma'am."  It's like getting punched in the face every damn time!  I turned on the cashier and sternly correcting her with a loud "SIR!"  She apologized in the disbelieving sceptical way that they do and I spun on my heel and basically stomped out of there.  Nearly running over another waitress in my haste to get the heck away.  I didn't even dare to look at the cute guy behind me.

Then on the phone I was placing an order for costumes for Halloween.  I wanted to get a jump on that this year.  The family is going for a Mario Bros theme.  Once again I was hit with the unexpected and unwanted ma'am.  Damn it I know exactly what I am.  Why can't the rest of the world see it as well?  What will it take?

My Mother is coming over today.  That means that once again I'm going to have to listen to her yell at me about how I am living a fantasy that can never be real.  How I am so completely selfish doing this to my kids and to her. 

My partner refuses to consider helping me pay for top surgery that I so desperately want.  He says that a 'disproportional' amount of our income is going towards my issues.  That I need to think of the whole family.  The thing is he could help me but he doesn't want too.  He still sees me as female even if he does patronizingly call me by my male name and likes me to take masculine control when he dresses like a $2 hooker.

The only one who really sees me as I want to be seen in my day to day life right now is my son.  He calls me by my male name takes me completely at my word and it really is kinda nice.  Of course this is between temper tantrums concerning vegetables and whether or not he wants to go to the store.     

I just want to run away.  Far away to a place where I can be accepted and seen for who I am.  I don't know where that place might be but book me a one way ticket.  I'm so ready to leave all of this all behind. 

How do you deal with not passing?  My patience is wearing thin at this point.  Very, very thin.   

I suck it up and keep going.
I have only been on E and spiro for 10 months you on T for 4. Rome was not built in a day. Be sure that in 2 or 3 years no one will clock you female if you keep taking the T. FTM's have very few passing issues once they have enough time to look like guys.
I know MTF's that have been themselves for decades who still do not pass 100%.
I have yet to meet a FTM who doesn't pass 100% in 2-3 years.
Just keep your chin up, shoulders square and take your hits as they come in. Eventualy  it will click into place for you.

hugz

All I can say is hang in there!

Your partner is being a butthead.  Okay, I get it, partners have issues with their SO transitioning.  BUT: to flatly deny paying for anything because your 'issues' have taken too much money from the family?!  I'm sorry but (no, actually, I'm not!!) if you had cancer or diabetes or were in a car accident then your partner would cough up whatever funds necessary to get you well.  This is the SAME THING!!!! Heck, even if you want to classify transsexualism as a mental illness (which we know it is not), wouldn't your partner PAY to have you treated for clinical depression or bipolar or any other disorder?!  This burns me.

Other than that, try a new haircut, new glasses, more traditionally male clothes (ie less trendy or androgynous) and a confident attitude (fake it til you make it).  *you may have already done these things


Jay

awww i'm sorry about your passing woes  maybe in a couple months you'll be out of "puberty" and people should start to see you for who you really are  I know it sucks and is very discouraging when someone calls you "ma'am" or "miss"....believe me i've also been there. it definitly feels like a kick in the teeth  just keep hanging on and you'll get "passing joy" soon enough 

-Adam

Mind over matter .... imagination .... and like some people have said just waiting it out. You've come this far along and you're going to see it through so every little ma'am is just external fluff that can't really do anything to soften your resolve or change who you are inside. The hormones will do their part to change the outside.

I get pissed off when people use "ma'am" and "sir" no matter what. It makes assumptions about people that can very likely be false. Not to mention it's pointless and, to me, condescending.

Your partner sounds like he's being a prick. I know everyone is different, but if that was me, I wouldn't be able to deal with that. Either he is or he isn't willing to support you. It's one thing to be genuinely un-educated on a topic but clearly, at this point, he should have made an effort to learn about what you're going through. To me, that would be a dealbreaker, but it's ultimately up to you what to do about that. You could try educating him, but if he doesn't want to learn there's not very much you can do about it. Only time will tell I suppose.

fill us in on the '$2 hooker' bit?   Has he got issues of his own?

Hi Squirrel,

I know from your previous posts about the $2 hooker and I think this is too your advantage. Take a photo of him as her. Even better lots. They are insurance. I'm have no idea about super mario characters but make sure you partner gets a female character costume, he'll love it anyway being Halloween. Make sure of the photos.

If he keeps refusing to help you with family finances, just suggest that mummy is going to see photos of her knew daughter. Nasty I know. However, he seems to be wanting acceptance from you to be a pretend she (and before people erupt I'm using these words purely for this situation, and no offence is meant or given to my CD/TV friends and colleagues) but (s)he is totally unaccepting of your gender ID. Time to fight fire with fire I suggest.

As for getting picked, voice is the worst for all MtF and FtM especially on the phone.  Visually, may I suggest you grow a bit of a fringe. You have high arched eyebrows that look feminine, I think you need to disguise them.

Again as others have said T does amazing things to FtM, it just takes time. But the guys I know who have been on T for 18-24 months pass no problems, but they have had chest surgery. Facially though not a problem.


Hang in there

Cindy

Quote from: CindyJames on September 09, 2010, 04:04:55 AM
Hi Squirrel,

I know from your previous posts about the $2 hooker and I think this is too your advantage. Take a photo of him as her. Even better lots. They are insurance. I'm have no idea about super mario characters but make sure you partner gets a female character costume, he'll love it anyway being Halloween. Make sure of the photos.

If he keeps refusing to help you with family finances, just suggest that mummy is going to see photos of her knew daughter. Nasty I know. However, he seems to be wanting acceptance from you to be a pretend she (and before people erupt I'm using these words purely for this situation, and no offence is meant or given to my CD/TV friends and colleagues) but (s)he is totally unaccepting of your gender ID. Time to fight fire with fire I suggest.


Cindy

I'm liking this suggestion.

Another idea is to take photos of his hooker clothes lying around, if you don't want to out him to his mother as a cross-dresser you can always allow her to form the opinion he entertains cheap hookers in the family home. Maybe photograph him holding the knickers and high heels 

It is very understandable that you are frustrated with people not seeing you as the way you are. But shouldn't you give the people who don't know you just a little credit?
Gender is a delicate subject in the way people talk to each other, and especially when in transtion there can be some confusion. I am positive they didn't mean to hurt you by calling you madam. An old friend of mine has very long well kept hair, making it very easy to confuse him for a woman when viewed from behind which happens frequently.

It is different for you mother and husband. Especially the argument about money enrages me. If you both have the mony then why not use it for a good purpose? Like the people before me remarked it is like your husband refusing to spend money to cure a family member.
I don't know about your husbands  "2$ hooker" thing. But if it is about crossdressing, I think you have to be very careful with the last posted suggestion. I don't think it is good to try to gain acceptance by showing non-acceptance of others.

Quote from: Octavianus on September 09, 2010, 05:50:04 AM
I don't know about your husbands  "2$ hooker" thing. But if it is about crossdressing, I think you have to be very careful with the last posted suggestion. I don't think it is good to try to gain acceptance by showing non-acceptance of others.

Perhaps you would be good enough to point out where either Cindy James or I suggested that Squirrel ought to show non-acceptance of his husband.

Quote from: JohnR on September 09, 2010, 07:34:22 AM
Perhaps you would be good enough to point out where either Cindy James or I suggested that Squirrel ought to show non-acceptance of his husband.

My apologies, I must have misunderstood this post:

QuoteIf he keeps refusing to help you with family finances, just suggest that mummy is going to see photos of her knew daughter. Nasty I know. However, he seems to be wanting acceptance from you to be a pretend she [...] but (s)he is totally unaccepting of your gender ID. Time to fight fire with fire I suggest.

I think the suggestion was because Paul *is* accepting his partner's cross dressing, but the partner is NOT accepting Paul's transition and is refusing to help facilitate his transition.

And since the partner is secretive about his cross dressing, the suggestions were for Paul to use the crossdressing as leverage ie if the partner refuses to help fund Paul's transition, then Paul may decide to tell his in-laws about their son's secret.

Dirty pool, yes, but Paul's partner isn't exactly playing straight, either.  Hopefully it would be a way to open the discussion in the relationship and not just deteriorate things into a one-upmanship match.


Jay

When you fight fire with fire, you can get badly burned.

Personally, I am with Octavianus in thinking that it would be counterproductive for Paul to blackmail his husband into accepting him.  Surely the key to any long term relationship is trust.  If Paul's husband is aware that the cat could be let out of the bag if he doesn't play ball (if you will excuse my mixed metaphors), that can only lead to fear and resentment.  No a good basis for a marriage.

I have learned over the years that emotionaly stunted people often only respond to negative reinforcement. If you want something socialy from someone who is stunted they often only respond to those things which effect their social standing.

The big risk with playing the heavy and ussing social blackmail in this case is Pauls husband getting very hurt over the threat and leaving as a result. He has placed alot of trust in Paul just by admiting he is CD, let alone allowing 'play time' to include it.
Crossdressing men often are very terrified that people might find out the 'dirty secret' they have. Violence and threats might also be the result of such dirty pool. If you can't take him don't mess with him like this.

Personaly I would do it. Screw me screw you is how I look at it. I am a very nice person until someone crosses me with intention to hurt me. So I would paly a serious game of hardball in this situation.

Quote from: Squirrel698I got the standard "I don't know what you are so I won't call you anything" thing from the waitress.  Which isn't ideal but I can pretend in my mind that she considered me mostly male despite calling me 'dear'.  Then I went to the front to pay the bill with cash.  A very cute guy came up behind me to wait for his turn.  I gave him a side glance smile because I appreciate eye candy.  Then it happened.  "Thank you ma'am."  It's like getting punched in the

so you're looks and voice are not very passable and you smile at guys?  So obviously the waitress saw you as female.
Guys don't smile at other guys except as workplace peers or as best mates.
Culitivate a frown and avoid eye contact except among friends.

Like other members pointed out before: even if a plan like misusing confidential information is fruitful, what is a relationship when you can't trust each other with secrets? Personally in social relationships I could never use something entrusted to me in private against somebody, even if we had a terrible fight causing us to break up. Think about what this will do to your integrity. It can only end badly for a relationship.

Please Paul, talk to your husband and make him understand how neccesary this transition is for you. Persuade him that you really need this.

Quote from: lilacwoman on September 09, 2010, 10:21:18 AM
Guys don't smile at other guys except as workplace peers or as best mates.

Seconded.  I've stopped flirting with guys unless I absolutely know they're gay (and trying to get the straight ones who see me as female to stop flirting with me)...there's soooo many homophobes where I live, it's just not a safe thing.  Also, flirting with guys won't help you pass.

Quote from: Papillon on September 09, 2010, 08:38:54 AM
When you fight fire with fire, you can get badly burned.

Personally, I am with Octavianus in thinking that it would be counterproductive for Paul to blackmail his husband into accepting him.  Surely the key to any long term relationship is trust.  If Paul's husband is aware that the cat could be let out of the bag if he doesn't play ball (if you will excuse my mixed metaphors), that can only lead to fear and resentment.  No a good basis for a marriage.

I don't think I was meaning blackmail. It was more demonstrating the double standard. Paul is willing to face the in laws as himself yet the partner will not even go so far as to defend Paul's right to be treated, in the family home of all places, as the person they are. Making the threat to expose his CD persona was more to demonstrate the fact that there is trust. Paul has demonstrated that trust. The partner has not. What if the roles were reversed is where I was coming from.

Cindy

Quote from: lilacwoman on September 09, 2010, 10:21:18 AM
so you're looks and voice are not very passable and you smile at guys?  So obviously the waitress saw you as female.
Guys don't smile at other guys except as workplace peers or as best mates.
Culitivate a frown and avoid eye contact except among friends.

You keep making these generalized statements about guys that just aren't true. Men smile all the time, and eye contact is a critically important part of male body language - if you avoid eye contact you're seen as weak or dishonest.

Checking out/cruising another guy is different. There's a distinctively gay male way of doing it, and it's possible Squirrel got it wrong and looked female in that moment. But it's got nothing to do with whether or not he smiled and made eye contact.