This is directed at everyone/anyone who would like to answer. I'm utterly terrified about not passing. Terrified about getting judged. Though I am already "out", for the most part; my hair is girly, my figure has changed from hormones, my skin has softened, I am still terrified, so I only go out part time. I'm even so scared that I am afraid to post a picture of myself on here.

How do you get over these feelings? I seem to be soooo critical of myself, that I shoot myself down from even the most confident of moods. So again, any suggestions on how I can conquer these feelings?

Quote from: SamanthaFLA on September 25, 2010, 01:15:30 PM
This is directed at everyone/anyone who would like to answer. I'm utterly terrified about not passing. Terrified about getting judged. Though I am already "out", for the most part; my hair is girly, my figure has changed from hormones, my skin has softened, I am still terrified, so I only go out part time. I'm even so scared that I am afraid to post a picture of myself on here.

How do you get over these feelings? I seem to be soooo critical of myself, that I shoot myself down from even the most confident of moods. So again, any suggestions on how I can conquer these feelings?

I live Female full time and I can tell you that there are times I am TERRIFIED. Especially when there is a bombshell GG i have to deal with, but I do it and usually the fear in my mind is really unfounded.... Like people that fear being hurt in a relationship and do everything they can to avbboid ever becoming close to anyone to prevent hurt that hasn't even happened yet... and by not allowing others to see oour vulnerabilities we miss out on the chance to love and be loved....might not make sense but I think that you can transpose the variables to your own situation and hopefully it will help you...

Quote from: SamanthaFLA on September 25, 2010, 01:15:30 PM
This is directed at everyone/anyone who would like to answer. I'm utterly terrified about not passing. Terrified about getting judged. Though I am already "out", for the most part; my hair is girly, my figure has changed from hormones, my skin has softened, I am still terrified, so I only go out part time. I'm even so scared that I am afraid to post a picture of myself on here.

How do you get over these feelings? I seem to be soooo critical of myself, that I shoot myself down from even the most confident of moods. So again, any suggestions on how I can conquer these feelings?

I don't have any answers apart from just going out and living your life, at least that's what I did. You have to put the critical things that you see out of your mind and see what reactions you get in public. People will affirm you as female perhaps all the time, some of the time or if you are really unlucky none of the time. I had a few comments and looks when I started my transition and RLT but you have to remember this is about transition. The very word means turning from one to other. At the start, even in the middle of transition you may get that look that clocks you but in the end you have to live your life.

Stardust

When I discovered my girl side, I told myself that I wanted to do this with the sole intention of stepping out and interacting with the outside public. This is, of course, in contrast with a lot of other TG folk (that I've met and interacted with) who start off really slow and perhaps started dressing in the comfort of their own homes.

How did I overcome not passing? By doing something ridiculous and out of my comfort zone that wouldn't allow me to back out of it once it happened.

The first real time I was out, with makeup, socks filled with rice for breasts, and a man bag, was at Disneyland. One of my friends was celebrating her birthday at Disneyland and she invited a huge group of people to go with her and encouraged them to wear goth or pirate clothing. I wanted to do neither, so I told my friend who's a stylist/makeup artist that "I want to be androgynous and go to Disneyland!" Long story short, I went as an androgyne, used the men's restroom much to the confusion of many of the guys there, heard lots of "Oh my god"s, and came away unscathed. Yes, I absolutely did not pass. My makeup on my face only subtly highlighted my feminine features but I still looked predominantly as a boy with slight protrusions on my chest. My group accepted me for who I was, without consequence, and enjoyed a wonderful time hanging around the happiest place on earth.

Was I terrified? You bet. I was having second thoughts when I was getting ready for the whole thing the morning of the event. But I told myself I was doing this to learn how to be confident and to be stronger. If I backed out, I would only disappoint myself. And so I pushed through and had a great time and met new friends in the process.

Wow guys, thanks for the fast responses, they are all very insightful. Lexine, that sounds absolutely TERRIFYING. What did you do afterward? Did you go out more frequently with more confidence? It's also things like you described that terrify me. Which bathroom do I use if I NEED to go to the bathroom? Would I pass well enough to use the women's? Or should I completely out myself and go to men's? Of course ideally, I wouldn't need to use the restroom; but details like that fill my brain.

I'm sure most, if not all of us have gone through similar thoughts, and I'm interested to see how more of you handled it. Again thanks for the replies, they are helping me a lot.

Quote from: SamanthaFLA on September 25, 2010, 01:44:11 PM. Which bathroom do I use if I NEED to go to the bathroom?

HEre is what i do....If I am at a gay club or establishment ill use the womens bathroom...however, if i am out in the general public, I will ALWAYS suck it up and use the mens,,,,,, why you ask. Because, I want to avoid having some parent see me come out of the womens and their maybe having a kid in the restroom,,,,awkward....besides i get a real kick out of the looks on mens faces when they see me at the urinal relieving myself!!! Besides, people arent stupid, I mean people in stores call me sir, refer to me as he, his him blah blah blah....... maybe its cuz Im like 6 feet tall barefoot, which is why I dont normally wear any kind of heel,,,,when I do it is to have fun being like a sky scraped out in public,,,,my 5 inch heels make me a 6 foot 4 inch tall gurl!!! Taller than most of the men,,,and I have fun with it cuz men really trip on that....having to look up, literally, to a woman

Well let's handle some of these questions one at a time:

Quote from: SamanthaFLA on September 25, 2010, 01:44:11 PM
Did you go out more frequently with more confidence?

Absolutely. I told my best friend that I had a lot of fun presenting as an androgyne that I want to go all the way and present as a girl because I wanted to see how well I passed. She laughed and I've been going out at least once a week en femme since. The only issue I had at the time was what restroom to use. But...

Quote from: SamanthaFLA on September 25, 2010, 01:44:11 PM
Which bathroom do I use if I NEED to go to the bathroom? Would I pass well enough to use the women's? Or should I completely out myself and go to men's?

This was another story in itself. One night, after shopping for girl's clothes at ROSS (my primary source of girl's clothes), we went to In-and-Out Burger to have dinner and I needed to use the restroom. Now, obviously I was en femme at the time and I was feeling uneasy about going to the appropriate restroom. So I asked my best friend which one I should go to and finally decided that I should go to the women's restroom since I was presenting as a girl.

Well, just when I was about to go there a couple of cops showed up to have dinner there and my feet got locked to the ground. My best friend rolls her eyes and says, "Well, you better pick one because now you got those cops there." So finally, I picked up my feet and strolled in the women's restroom - and it was empty. YES!

So I sat down in the biggest stall of the two that were there, only to find myself trapped. Slowly but surely, as I was doing my deed, girls started coming in and, as it turns out, the stall beside me was permanently closed leaving mine the only one available! I cleaned up quick, creaked open the stall door and quickly scurried towards the restroom door and towards my friend.

I told my best friend what happened and, with a horrified look on her face, told me to march back into the restroom because I'd forgotten to wash my hands! I said, "I can just use the men's restroom..." to which she replied, "Uh, girl, those cops saw you coming out of the women's restroom. You CANNOT flip flop back and forth between the two!"

So I waited until the women cleared the restroom, got back in there, washed my hands, dried them, and went back and enjoyed my meal. After that, I pondered about what I did and my best friend said, "You're a girl right now. It would be wrong for you to go into the men's restroom." She made sense. It'd be more uncomfortable for men to see someone with breasts in the men's room.

Much later, I found out that there are laws regarding restroom use in California. As it turns out, provided that you're presenting as a girl, you can use the women's restroom. Now, this isn't the same for all states, so passing might become more of an issue than some, but again confidence is what will push you to do what you want to do in the end.

The first few times I was scared to no end.  But I did it to get out of that comfort zone.

Imagine that day you walk in to your job, full time. for the first time.    But you do it because that is the way you are going to live the rest of your life.

It isn't being brave, having courage or anything else so noble.  It is from fear.  The fear of living another day as a male.

I was and sometimes still am scared near to death... I started experimenting by going on drives and stopping at places were no-one would recognize me

Little by little I began to get more comfortable and confident

I kinda have a phobia with public restrooms though so I avoid them as much as possible... But the last time I ventured into the mens room in what I thought to be my guy mode it was full of men with two of them waiting in line to go

Boy did I get some looks... Then one of the guys said "Um, I think your looking for the other room over there"

Without thinking I let out an Eeeek! and they all started laughing... I decided to just hold it till I got home

I just figured it had to be done or I'd pee myself and I couldn't go into the male rest room so I went into the ladies. I've never had any problems in there and you do get smiles and chats in there too, lol. I'd get more scared by going into the male restroom. I guess if you are presenting female then you use the females if presenting male, then use the male restroom.

Stardust

I was pretty terrified to be honest...I mean the first time I went out I was dressed obviously female but hadn't shaved or tried to conceal the shadow of doom. I was with Jenny and Alison as I was visiting for the weekend and we'd gone to see inception. I was expecting to get lots of bad attention but Jenny even said I was getting the right kind of attention when we were queuing for drinks. I did really need a wee at one point and decided to just wait till we got back. the following day we went out to see the dark heart of cornwall and I seemed to get zero attention and progressively got more and more confident. I even used the ladies loo on two occasions with no problem at all.

May I suggest that most fear is conquered by doing small easy amounts of the thing that you fear and discovering that in fact you do not fail, or at least if you do fail the sky certainly does not fall in on you.

When we are small we are first afraid to be out of our mothers arms, then out of her sight, and eventually we learn to have no fear. the process is simply one of familiarising ourselves with our surroundings and discovering that we have the ability to cope on our own.

It is difficult for me to imagine the fear that you must feel because I started my gender transition very early in my childhood so by the time I was old enough to understand that it was viewed by some people as in some way abnormal I was already well on the way to being comfortable enough with my own abilities to survive their disapproval not to be phased by this.

So my advice is take some small baby steps and slowly deliberately PUSH the envelope. One possible place to start might be posting a small photo of yourself in the just for us section and discovering that most people are much nicer about your appearance than you imagine they will be. That is just a suggestion by the way - you may be able to think of something better to do, but whatever you do what you MUST NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES DO is let the fear win, and let it make you hide away behind chintz curtains, because that is simply no way to live life.

You live life by getting up close and personal with it. Sometimes you get dirty, sometimes you get a few cuts and bruises, but always you survive, and always you learn by your mistakes and emerge stronger and wiser. That is what it means to live, to not care about whether or not you are winning, only that you are taking part.

Life is not meant to be a spectator sport. That's it.

Good luck.

You ladies are so inspiring. Reading some of your stories is giving me some inspiration. Thank you all so much!

Janet - That line you gave really hit home with me. I am putting it in my signature so I can always see it when I start feeling terrified or when I am being overly critical with myself.

Helena - The shadow of doooooom. Another bane of mine =(

rejennyrated - I think I may just post a picture of myself sometime soonish. Keep your eyes peeled. I think that may be one of the first steps. Because aside from one very trustworthy friend, I have not distributed any photos of myself online.

I remember the very first Ladies room that I used.  I had went to the county court house for my name change hearing.  I was so nervous I had to go.  Seeing I was presenting female at the time I had to use the ladies room.  I went in did my business , washed my hands and left.  A couple of other ladies came in and we exchanged pleasantries and that was it.  I thought that the sheriff deputies would come and get me, but nothing happened.

Since then I have never seen the inside of a men's room.

Two people so far have had a profound impact on me in this respect.  The first is the person who has become a good friend and mentor - I found her website a couple of months ago, where she had posted her entire story and history... I was so thankful for what I read, I sent her an email and told her a bit about myself.  Anyway, on her website, she posted two rules she lived by when first going out, and encourages everyone to commit to memory:

1.  When going out dressed, present yourself with complete confidence, never let anyone see you acting nervous.  If you hold your head up and present confidently, very few people will have a problem with you.

2.  If someone DOES have a problem, it is THEIR problem, not YOURS.

My therapist (the second person) said something very similar to me this past week.  Basically, if you look nervous, as if you're asking others if you're okay, they'll see you as a "freak".  But if you're confident in yourself, regardless of your actual presentation, you'll be seen in a completely different light.  And at the end of that therapy session, I took my first steps out into an uncontrolled environment - I walked out of her office, across her waiting room, and out into the parking lot.  Had a cigarette before getting into my car.  Got seen, no doubt got clocked.  Did I care?  No.  I just feel TOO DARN GOOD when I'm dressed to give a fig what anyone else thinks.  And in a few weeks, I will be going on a train and subway one evening each week (to attend a gender workshop for 11 weeks), and I will be dressed in the real world on a regular basis for the first time.  I think that's going to be FUN!!

I rarely pass. Yet I am out 99%. (Only my spouses grandma doesnt know, she is the land lord so I am not going to risk it yet.) You just have to accept yourself. It is more important that I honor the woman inside than it is to maintain the mask that is the man. But then I waited until it was transition or die so there is all that.

I know it may seem silly, and idk if this really counts cuz I haven't gone out as female yet, but when I need an extra boost of confidence, I pretend that I'm Britney Spears, lol. It kinda helps me when I feel a little uncomfortable and I think it'll help a lot when I do go out in public as female.

Thanks everyone again for your stories and advice. I feel a bit more encouraged.

Yeah I was the same. I didn't want to present at all until I knew I looked female. Then I had a shift of views about myself. 1 day I woke up and saw a young woman in the mirror, just with facial hair and who looked sad. It was my duty to do what I needed to do to let her out, and help her the best way possible!

Now that I pass completely, I'm over worrying about passing and all that. I'm much happier with myself, granted there are some things I would love to change, but cannot, and am unable to just yet.

Well I have a thought process.
"Nobody wants you to succeeded in this if you stumble or fall nobody will come to help you up you are the first and last line, while your on your knees anyone who comes isn't a friend there a harrier who wants you as a male, unless this is where you wanna be, you've gotta stand walk to what you want on your own power nothing can help you. Yeah it hurts never said it was easy... it's like walking on two broken feet but it's the ->-bleeped-<-ty life GID has put before you.

But If sitting here pining away at how hard and unfair it all is makes you happy fine, But if doing this is what you want but your scared and you run then you can add this experience to your the mountain of self hate and pathetic failures of your 'might have been's.' and 'I wish I was'... Live or Die girl? Your choice."

It gets me crying then it usually gets me moving.