I just wrote a long post but it all got deleted for some reason.  I'm going to try to condense it but I know it probably won't make much sense.  I need some help but I don't know what kind of help I need.  I just know someone here is bound to understand.

Lately, I've been feeling really down about my looks.  I've been on T for about 9 and half months now.  My face, chest, and back are covered with acne.  My chest is breaking down further but I feel like it sticks out more than ever.  I've lost 20 lbs over the summer but I feel so fat.  I only leave the house to go to school, buy food, and take care of my grandma.

I have no friends because I'm so self-conscious.  I hung out with this guy, maybe twice, over the summer (you know who you are).  I said I'd email but I never did.  I'm really sorry about that.  There was nothing wrong with you, I just couldn't remember how to be a friend.  I didn't want to be seen as the trans guy.  I'm afraid that once people know, I'm stuck into a third category.  I just want to be normal.

I've started having panic attacks in the last couple weeks, especially at school or clinicals (nursing school).  Even though I do well on my tests, my instructor told me I'm so far behind the rest of my class and that I should consider other options besides nursing.  I feel like a failure and that no one will ever hire me.

Everything feels so wrong lately.  I don't regret transitioning, but I just want it to be over so I can move on with my life.  Any words of advice or some positive thinking would be greatly appreciated.  I already know I've brought a lot of this upon myself so please try not to remind me.

Quote from: Adio on October 03, 2010, 03:01:44 PM...but I just want it to be over so I can move on with my life.

I don't really have any advise, but I can relate to this. Some things I can't fulfill until a certain time, so I just keep going forward and hope time passes quickly.

I hope things get better for you.  And it isn't forever, just remember that.  It seems like forever, but you'll get through it and you'll be able to live your life exactly how you want to. =)  Good luck with everything!

I hope these thoughts will pass in time.  Sometimes we need to go into automatic mode, where we do what we have to do and not process or analyse things too much. 
This is obviously good for a short term only (like a year or so), but it's a good survival technique especially dealing with panic attacks and generally interacting with others.  Let those negative feelings wash over you and not let them deter you from your goal.   

I went through this--in some ways, I am still going through it. I'm still here, and I'm not doing too badly. Okay, I didn't have a problem with acne, but I lost weight and still kept thinking I was too rounded and girly. My voice was a tenor, and I wanted a baritone. I thought, and still do think, that my face isn't male enough. My chest bothered me no end--I had been trying to ignore it for so many years that once I really came out and started T and was starting to "pass," I had to have top surgery immediately. I'm lucky I had the funds.

I was struggling to do well at my job, but everything took such an effort. I kept telling myself that someday I would turn that corner, stop obsessing 24/7 about trans stuff, and start having enough emotional energy to do well at work. I was right. I'm not there yet--I still obsess; sometimes grading papers is like pulling teeth; some days I get very little done--but I'm getting there. I learned to talk myself through stuff, confide in my therapist and leave messages on his machine to sort of bootstrap myself, and see supportive people as often as possible.

I don't know if you're in therapy, but I hope you have support groups or friends to see. It really can help to be around other folks who understand or at least try to understand. There are good times to be a hermit, but I don't think this is one of them. If people are reading you as male, then that's a reason to leave the house and rent a video (Netflix doesn't count) or go run an errand or meet a friend at the coffee shop.

Your skin will settle down eventually--have you seen a dermatologist for that? Just keep telling yourself that you're a teenage boy, and teenage boys get zits, and you won't be an adolescent forever. In truth, lots of people don't even notice or care about the acne. Especially people who already like you.

Oh, another technique I still use is to look back and see how far I've come. I came out. I got a therapist--no small feat for me--and went to support groups, which I was terrified to do. I even made a few new friends and stopped hiding in my house all the time. I started HRT, and I enjoyed the changes, especially my voice. I like to put on a CD and sing along to a favorite song; I sound SO much better now than I did before HRT, even though my voice is still settling down.

I don't know what to tell you about school. Can you withdraw and go back later? They might understand if you lay it all out for them.

Anyway, keep trying, see other people, and try to accentuate the positive whenever possible.

Thank you for all your replies.  I needed that reminder that this is not forever.  It's hard to remember that sometimes especially when it seems everything is going wrong.

Arch, thank you for sharing your experiences with me.  I can definitely relate to what you're saying.  I do have a therapist and I talk to her about everything, but things add up quickly in between visits.  Right now, I don't have anyone in my life (besides my therapist) that I can talk to.  I like your suggestion of just getting out even if just to rent a movie.  I decided to volunteer at a cleanup later this month.  Even though I'll be going by myself, I'll still be around other people.

I keep forgetting to make an appointment with a dermatologist.  Will they want to actually see my chest/back?  I don't want to out myself unless I absolutely need to.

I went back and compared my voice now to my voice pre-T.  That really cheered me up.  I'm going to make a list of all the ways I've changed and the things I've accomplished and put it in my wallet.  That way I can look at it whenever I need a confidence boost.

School will just have to get better.  There's no way it can get worse (hopefully).  One more semester and I'll be done.  Focus on the positives right?

Quote from: Adio on October 04, 2010, 08:12:41 PM
Arch, thank you for sharing your experiences with me.  I can definitely relate to what you're saying.  I do have a therapist and I talk to her about everything, but things add up quickly in between visits.  Right now, I don't have anyone in my life (besides my therapist) that I can talk to.  I like your suggestion of just getting out even if just to rent a movie.  I decided to volunteer at a cleanup later this month.  Even though I'll be going by myself, I'll still be around other people.

No problem. I can definitely relate to what you're going through, and it helps me to remember that I used to be worse and am now better off. Win-win.

You know what I did, and still do sometimes when issues pile up or the pressure builds? For one thing, I pace around my house and pretend I'm talking to my therapist. I actually imagine that I'm in his office, say stuff out loud, and imagine what he would say. This helps me to remember some of his best observations and advice. I've also found that saying things out loud helps to take the pressure off. The other thing I do is leave long messages on his answering machine. Your therapist might not like it, so ask. Whoa Nelly it helps me. I can ramble for five minutes, rerecord (he has that option), get stuff out, and know that he will later be listening to the final version of the message. He's glad I have found a way to stay connected and bootstrap myself. Sometimes I will call in the middle of the day and use him to get myself going. Other times I will call at the end of the day as a reward or to look back on what I did or didn't do.

Or you can just come here. Start a blog here, maybe. Or do you already have one?

Quote from: Adio on October 04, 2010, 08:12:41 PMI keep forgetting to make an appointment with a dermatologist.  Will they want to actually see my chest/back?  I don't want to out myself unless I absolutely need to.

If your face is broken out, you might not need to...but I don't really know. I should think that a conscientious doctor will want to know how bad the acne is and how extensive. And if you're binding, that can make the acne worse, and the doctor would want to know that. You might need to out yourself, my friend. Take someone along for support if you need to.