i feel like in my transition, i'm a little stuck in one place. i'm getting a little concerned, because i know if i wanted to, i could do all the female things i want to do now. there's no reason why i can't because i am transitioning. that's the whole point of why i'm on hrt, and why i've come out to certain people. i've made some progress over the summer, maybe you could consider it major. starting hrt, wearing eyeshadow, mascara, and lipgloss. i've also been growing my hair a long time. it's almost a bob, but not quite. the problem is, i'm going out in public and i'm starting to pass. at a restaurant one day. it was just me and my mom there. the waitress referred to us as "girls." she did it like four times, and it was one of those new and surreal i can't believe it's actually happening type of thing. then there was another time in a restaurant more down south of the state. the waiter called me "hon." i figured he thought i was a girl because no man has ever called me "hon," at least not if i'm in boy mode. they usually call me "buddy." i get that alot even though i'm 18. if i'm in boy mode, i'm treated like a little one. so i guess you could say i'm definately androgynous right now. if i wore more obviously female clothing, and my hair was long enough to be a bob, and if my estrogen kicked in a little to give me more of a curvy, female physique, i would feel very confident that i could pass as female 100% of the time. i may still get treated like a little kid because i have aspergers, but i don't care. as long as i'm female, that's all i care about. the problem is, my name is not yet changed, and i'm not completely there yet with the appearance. my mom is always there with me when we're clothes shopping. everything i get is always what she holds up to me, and whispers "is this ok." all of it is in the women's department, but not obviously female. obviously, if i was "full time female." i'd have to tell them to start calling me by female pronouns and the female name i've chosen. i've wanted to do my own clothes shopping to get whatever female clothes i want. i've wanted that for a long time, and if i could do exactly what i wanted without having this obstacle, i would get my ears pierced, wear colored nail polish, and that kind of thing. most of my extended family knows about me by now. i lived a very sheltered life, i have no friends of my own, so basically the only people i have to worry about would be the extended family. though, i don't think they are going to care what i do, because they probably already think i'm something new. it doesn't matter how femenine i look physically, it doesn't matter how femenine i dress, and it doesn't matter how femenine i act. my family will still know i'm the same person by that male name. whether or not they think i'm masculine or femenine, they won't call me female pronouns or see me as a female unless i tell them too. my mom parents have been pissing me off with this nickname they have for my boy name. i really want to take the next step and be 100% female, but transition can be a very complicated thing. at this point, i have to speak up for what i want or else my mom will stll be my fashion stylist for gender neutral clothing, and i'll eventually go crazy. i'm just getting concerned, because it's not going to happen on it's own, and i'm trying to figure out where to go from here.
