Hi all,

I know that I have wanted to be a girl for most of my life. And I have had some pretty intense feelings about it. I'm not sure why, but lately I have been really down. I'm beginning to think that transition is not 'my thing' anymore. I remember wanting it more than anything while I was in school, and now that I am done and out of my parents' house, I can go ahead with things. However, now I'm doubting whether it's worth it.

I feel like I wasn't meant to be a girl, in a way, because I have a lot working against me. I am about 6'1'' in height, I need bra extenders to wear bras, huge feet, and things like that. Clearly, I have more of a traditional 'man's body'. I just feel like I am so different than every other girl that I can never 'be' one.

Anyone ever feel like this?

Chrissi

I can totally sympathize. It's a tough decision to be sure. I'm 5'11" so I can understand the height issue, but I wear a women's size 9 shoe, but my hands are definitely on the smaller side. I do wear 3" heels to work almost daily, and rarely get looks due to my height alone. A bigger issue is if you're like 6'5" and 350 lbs, then that's harder to work with. Embrace your height, as there are plenty of models over 6' tall.

The big turning point for me, was when I simply didn't want to leave my house looking like a guy anymore. It simply wasn't me or who I am now. There came a point when I just couldn't do it anymore. Too fake and too foreign.

My personal story is a little different from others. I've been living & working as a female 24/7 for the past several years... so HRT was sort of like the icing on the cake for me. The cart was there, I was just waiting for the horse. The biggest obstacle for me is money. And making sure to budget enough fo everything. Although despite my best efforts more and more "incidental expenses" keep popping up. It definitely costs more to be a girl. 

Transition is not for the faint of heart.  But it also not something that is for everyone.  If you decide that you wish to stop here, that is your right.

As for me, I am enjoying my life more right now.  I am not much shorter than you, Chrissi, at 5' 10".  But I have seen a lot of women who are taller then me and that is in flats.  And the problems you mentioned many women face daily.  And the solutions were developed by someone, most likely a woman, because the was a need.

I now live by my new motto.   It does not take bravery or courage to transition.  It takes fear.  The fear of spending one more day in the wrong gender.

No matter what you choice to do, we will have your back and always support you.

Hi Chrissi

I can relate to allot of the things you mention... I'm 6'2" with size 12 men's/13 women's shoes

Do I get discouraged? Hecks yeah... Some of our bro.s and sisters can attest to that... I'm one of the biggest cry babies around sometimes

Granted I've always been somewhat fem. and a year of HRT has given me boobs and a more fem. shape in general

Women tend to treat me like one of the girls and guys check me out

But I still get discouraged at times and I'm not sure why... Maybe I'm my own worst critic at times?

As previously mentioned... Transition is ultimately up to the individual

BTW... If that's you in your avatar, you're quite an attractive gal 

Based on your photo you don't look bad at all. I can understand the pain you mention about not fitting in and getting stared at we all experience it we all have different physical quirks that cause us to be stared at at some point in our transition and make us physically different from normal females.

But the thing is your feelings about this don't go away they've been with you since school as you've mentioned yourself.
I'm just worried that if you allow your body to define your future you will end up how I did before transition. Because I didn't think I could transition either.

Ie... You have no kind feelings toward your body at all and disccociate from it it's a disgusting prision of flesh with you inside with death begin the only escape, not only do you end up abusing your body for pleasure due to a lack of respect but eventually abusing it becomes a pleasure and you find yourself saying in situations of peril "If my body can't take it then maybe it shouldn't have been male."

It's not a life.
And whatever you decide to do I hope you don't end up like that.

I went through a horrible time last week where my boss accidentally referred to me as him and it set the pace for a deep depression. At that moment I saw man hands, man feet, man everything. It was horrific! I am tall 6'0 , need ffs, size 12 feet. All of this was painfully obvious to me and I went into a mode of thinking it would be easier to just give up. But my depression passed and I feel fabulous about myself again. I intend to fully transition and realized I need to start focusing on saving up for FFS.

Sometimes you just need to let a little time go by and see how you feel later.

@ Chrissi:

Hey, I'm feeling your pain.  You are not alone.  I'm in that situation too.

Ultimately, it's up to you, Chrissi.  Go with your heart.  If you decide to stop transitioning, you can always start again.  Even some famous transsexuals have "hit the wall" and stopped their transitions.  Renee Richards even had surgery to remove her breasts!  Then, after a few months, she started her transition again.  Donna Rose (author of "Wrapped in Blue") machoed up again, did the male swagger bit and the whole nine yards ... only to pick up her transition about 5 months later and go all the way.  Annah Moore (author and kick-ass guitarist) quit her transition and bought a loud and macho motorcycle and wore leathers ... only to bag it and complete her transition ultimately.

Go with your heart, girl.

Personally, at this point, I'm thinking of staying on hormone replacement therapy (because it keeps me from going postal) but saying "F--- it!" to everything else.  Virginia Marie on here recently posted a message moreorless saying that she's very isolated.  Of course, that's not really true.  She is very much beloved here at Susan's Place ... and quite rightly so.  In my particular case, this isolation she speaks of is quite literally true, and I'm perfectly well aware of it.  I am loathed and despised, so I ask myself, "What's the point?"

I help people ... they hate me.  I encourage people ... they despise me.   I build people up ... they deplore me.  Even gender counselors give me the cold shoulder!  Now THAT'S telling me something, right?  What it's telling me is:  "I've gotta be me."  (Thank you, Sammy Davis, Jr.)!  F--- 'em all.

Here's the deal:

At this point, I'm seriously thinking about remaining an androgyne.  "Whoa, check out the dude with tits, man!!!"  They're really small anyway, so whatever.  I'm thinking of letting the body hair grow back, muscling up a tad at L.A. Fitness, continuing to wear my women's shorts (I've got the legs for 'em, so why not?) and just being the Merry Androgyne.  People will hate me?  They do anyway!  Avoid me, then.  Good riddance.  Nobody said it better than Dee of Plano, Texas:  "KMA, baby; KMA!"  Music to my ears, and I motto I can live by ... and will live by hereinafter.

Chrissi, your picture here is very cute, and that's no lie.  I'd say go for it!  Yeah, it IS tough to transition ... at times VERY TOUGH.  How does being a girl make you feel?  Go with your heart, girl.  Go with your heart ... it will tell you what to do.  My best to you.   Good luck with everything.   

It's a critical time in your life.  After enough changes, there is no going back, and  if you think it's a mistake, by all means, STOP.  If you have a change of heart later, you can always start again.  Any number of 'forwards' will work, but going back.......nope.
As Janet said, it's not for the faint of heart.  It's a one way ride.


Bev

IcePhoenyx, you're beautiful!  Don't let your height or other things about your body hold you back from transitioning.  It's normal to have some physical characteristics that aren't typical for your gender. 

There's no need to rush to transition either.  Take your time to decide whether or not it's something you want to do, and then do whatever you want.


And in response to your question, I'm undecided about transitioning too, but for reasons other than the ones you mentioned.  The reasons I haven't transitioned yet are that: I'd prefer to accept myself as I am than transition and right now I'm basically content, and I don't want to take any hormones or have any surgery unless I'm 100% sure it would be worth it.  Maybe, by definition, I'm transgender but not transexual.  I have a male brain and female body but I don't have a strong urge to change my body.  I like myself the way I am.  Or maybe I'm in denial.  We'll see.  Anyway, I'm in no hurry, and feel no need to categorize myself.

This definitely makes more sense now. I'm just afraid of standing out I guess, but that's not always a bad thing. I just need to instill more confidence in myself, then I should be ok. I have been seeing more and more women around my height, so that does make me feel good!

I have always known that transition is right for me but I always thought my body wasn't 'right' for it. Hopefully this goes away soon.

And that definitely is me in the picture, thank you for all your kind comments about it everyone!

Chrissi

Quote from: Icephoenyx on October 16, 2010, 09:09:26 PM
This definitely makes more sense now. I'm just afraid of standing out I guess, but that's not always a bad thing. I just need to instill more confidence in myself, then I should be ok. I have been seeing more and more women around my height, so that does make me feel good!

I have always known that transition is right for me but I always thought my body wasn't 'right' for it. Hopefully this goes away soon.

And that definitely is me in the picture, thank you for all your kind comments about it everyone!

Chrissi

Know what you mean, Chrissi.  Sure, I've felt that way too.  The good news is that we falsely judge ourselves.  On 3 October 2010, about 2 weeks ago, I went out completely done up en femme for the first time ever out in public ... at our local major mall!  Nobody hassled me.  Nobody laughed.  Nobody really made (read, clocked, outted) me.  Nobody.  Hell, I even used the women's restroom in Sears ... with genetic women in the next stall and while washing my hands at the sink!      Christ, I passed!!!   Well, if I can pass, you most certainly can!

You are very cute, and with HRT, you'll get even cuter.  Sounds like you've answered your own question.  Good for you.  Your heart gave you YOUR right answer.    

Quote from: Icephoenyx on October 13, 2010, 07:38:35 PM
I feel like I wasn't meant to be a girl, in a way, because I have a lot working against me. I am about 6'1'' in height, I need bra extenders to wear bras, huge feet, and things like that. Clearly, I have more of a traditional 'man's body'. I just feel like I am so different than every other girl that I can never 'be' one.

Oh, wow, this is the same stuff I said to myself when I was 13 about being male.  How could I be a man at a height of 4'11" with a B-cup chest?  (The down side is that now I'm an E-cup, but the up side is that I'm about 4" taller.  You win some, you lose some!)  Putting down transition wasn't a permanent fix, because when it comes to expressing yourself, you can only suppress it for so long.  Better to live as much as you can of your life being who you really want to be!  Anyway, it's rough from either side of the equation, but there are definitely cis-girls who are 6'1" with big feet and broad chests.  My partner's cousin is one of them, and everyone says she should be a model!  I've met (presumably) cis-guys under 5', but I'm still looking for one with a slight build and enormous man-boobs like me. . .  /-:

For a look at some ciswomen similar to your description, see if you can find some shots of the Australian team in the women's field hockey at the recent  Commonwealth Games in India.  They are all tall, athletic and for the most part drop-dead gorgeous!

I feel your pain

Quote from: Icephoenyx on October 13, 2010, 07:38:35 PM

Anyone ever feel like this?

Hi Chrissi,

I have felt like this often.

Some of us need to take a step back, rethink, reassure ourselves, and when our path seems right again we move forward.

I think it is important to give yourself the freedom and flexibility to determine your own transition and the pace of your transition and never feel like you are not in control of where you are going. It is your body and your life, so you should feel free to stop and restart whenever you like, but with a doctor monitoring your health while you do so. If you need to rethink, take some time out. It is okay to do that.

I hope you feel better about yourself soon. You are probably an amazing person and people are not going to notice everything you do about yourself. We are very self-critical. Just take your time.

hi chrissy

the main issue of transsexuality is that (for MTF) we are a woman trapped in a men's body.
So, there is not a single person with the right body for it.
off course some people are lucky and they become beautifull girls.
other people are'nt that lucky, but thats the same with born females.
It's all about feelings, if you feel like a men...don't do it, but if you feel like a woman then it is hard to be happy in a man's body.
maybe it is wise to talk with a counselor or psychologist and to tell him or her about your feelings.
what about your lenght, I had a sister in law ( a shame she died of cancer) and she was 1.88cm that's about 5 foot and 3 inches.
she was a born female and even walking on high heels and men adore her.
why? i think she was comfortable in her own gender.
I 'll hope this will help you to make the right decision and by the way...on the photo you look very nice.

hug
annette

it's up to you whether you want to transition or not. many people find that they can deal with their dysphoria in ways other than fully transitioning. some people find that they can't, even though they wanted to.

there's something special about being a male who can feel comfortable being gentle and feminine, you know?

sorry, i was meaning 6 foot and 3 inches.
struggling with foot, inches because i'm used to the metric system

annette

Hi Chrissi,

I'm still having the fear of transition myself.  Sometimes I think "omg what am I thinking about doing?  this will destroy my life".  My only justification for it would be that I hate being a woman.  I'm a man.  And I'm sick of not being myself.  That won't make anything we do any easier but... it has to be worth it in the end.  To experience that freedom of being who you are.  I can only imagine what it must be like.  What I hope its like.

And btw... you're a very pretty lady.

-Danny

Chrissi,

I can relate to what you are saying in a way. I am 6'0" and have a size 11 foot. I have been pondering transition now for awhile and I think that I have always been a woman trapped in a man's body. Sure some women may look at you or even I, with crazyness but hey, who cares? Right? As long as we stay true to ourselves and have the courage to move forward then there is nothing to stop you. Take care and just remember.....as dumb as it sounds, a line from Lion King....."Remember who you are..." that's all that matters. BTW, you are very pretty too.