I've a while before my first appointment, but my therapist indicated that we will decide what my goals are and what path to take in the first session. (not exactly sure what that means)
So, I feel that I should try to sort out my feelings a bit more before discussing these issues with her.
I'm sure of two things:
1. I'm a man and definitely not a woman (despite what my body thinks).
2. I have an insane need to be seen as a man.

Aside from these things, everything else is murky waters.

Thing is - I really don't feel I was born in the wrong body per se. I was just born in the wrong role.
If I lived in a world where people saw me as and treated me as male, I wouldn't want HRT. I'd still want a masectomy, but not HRT. I've come to that conclusion.
I wish I could just have a masectomy and that would be the extent of my physical transition.
But I'm not fortunate enough to pass as a man without HRT.
It's safe to say that most aspects of T would be unwelcome for me.
I really do not want ANY body hair whatsoever.
The mere thought of going bald scares the wits out of me.
I don't like the idea of shaving everyday or the idea of having a beard.
I'm terrified of developing a horrible case of acne and being pockmarked for life as a result.
If my libido was any higher than it is now, I would find it an extreme nuisance (a big problem even).
I don't want my already masculine appearing fat distribution to be any more pronounced than it is now.
I don't want my personality to change.
I don't want to lose the ability to produce tears.
I don't want to look in the mirror and see a different reflection.
I don't want to go through another horrific puberty in which I develop unwanted secondary sexual characteristics.
I don't want my orgasms to change at all.

As far as effects that would be desirable from T:
1. Increased strength.
2. Complete cessation of menses.

So the unwanted effects far outweigh any desired effects from HRT>
Except for one: I need people to know I'm not a woman!
But at what price?
I'm afraid I'll be trading the comfort of the body I'm in now for the comfort of finally being seen as myself!
I may not want all the physical characteristics of manhood, but I do feel I am a man.
So I feel forced into taking a hormone which I'm pretty sure to regret the effects of just so people will know this - that I'm not a masculine girl, butch, dyke, tomboy - not a woman of any kind!

I realize that I probably have many months before HRT would even be prescribed, I realize that I shouldn't rush into anything, I realize that I shouldn't do anything I'm not sure about.
But I'm pretty much nonfunctioning as a female. I mean I've had to shoot up for more than a decade just to numb myself enough to where I could actually live day to day being seen as a woman.
I really cannot handle it. I cannot hold out much longer being seen as female. I'd rather die.
But testosterone is no joke!
I know I have time to figure this out, but how much time is the question - I can't do this much longer.
I feel like more pieces of me die everyday that I'm not seen for who I really am.

First of all, I would say this should be one of the number 1 items to discuss with your therapist.  Honestly, I can not think of any good solutions that would satisfy all your criteria.  Let me see if I have this straight:

You want to look like a woman (as much as you do now anyways), but you want the world to treat you as a man.  In order to do that, you primarily need to change your voice.  But, anything else you want to leave the same.  Well, I just thought of something.  How about going on HRT just long enough to lower your voice, then stop.  Next, get hair removal (electrolysis/laser) for any that may have appeared during this time assuming some appeared.  Then get your name legally changed to a male name.  It might just be enough to get what you want.

Melissa

Hiee,
  I hate to rain on anyones parade but the phrase 'You can't have your cake and eat your ice creame too' comes to mind.
Byee,
  Brina

Nero, it seems to me that you've thought out the consequences fairly well.  Every action has its reaction as they say.  There's certainly not much guy stuff from T that would suit you, it sounds.  Melissa's suggestion sounds like it would do what you want.  But hey bro, it sounds kinda like a twisted path if you know what I mean.  I hope you can sort it all out.

Cindi

Nero, reading your post I'd say HRT is not for you.  Melissa's suggestion seems a partial solution but as with all TSs there will be other stuff that will get you read.  And do you really want to go through facial electrolysis just to develop a male voice?  Voice lessons may be able to get you the male voice without all the side effects of T.

Maybe you need to talk to an endo about your concerns.  Could you go on a smaller dose and achieve what you want?  An endo can tell you that.

The more I learned about feminizing HRT, the more I wanted it.  My only complaint is it doesn't do enough.  There has never been any doubt in my mind about HRT.  You have many doubts.  This is something that needs a lot more consideration.

Julie

You ARE quite a challenge! I love it!

Thing is... you don't want to be male. You only want to be a man. Right?

I mean, the only things you seem to dislike about your body are your breasts and periods. You even seem comfortable with an estrogen-influenced personality (tears and such). Sooooooooo...

I have no idea, lol. I just don't know where to go with that. The only thing I can think of remotely similar (though flipped in direction) are male crossdressers who love the female ROLE so much, that they decide to live in it permanently - while still remaining male under the clothes. They want to keep their bodies relatively unchanged, yet live as women.

Maybe the key is in figuring out what being a "man" means to you? Do you dislike the social aspects of the male role too?

Hiee,

  I'll actually try and answer the question as posted and as simply as possible.

1) I finally clicked one day that I was actually female.

2) After months of trying to get started on HRT (above board ie with my doctors guidance) and getting no where I began DIY.

3) I had researched the web as to the effects of HRT pertaining to M->F's and had some reservations about loss of sex drive and loss of strength.

4) 6 Months of hormones and anti-androgens and I realized that I had indeed made the right choice as I finally felt good about myself as my body was re-adjusting itself to a new hormone state.

5) After 12 months I realized that my doctor was right and I needed to loose the dammed Testosterone factory and 6 months later I had it removed.

6) I feel wonderful and am now looking with great anticipation to having my final SRS and finalizing
my physical self and the new worlds of exploration that that will open up to me .

Byee,
  Brina

Sadly for me nothing yet that's the issue i am not "sure" i want it or know it will fix all the issues for me...
It's at the end of a long buffet table have not gotten there yet i suppose
Thanks Nero good question!
Ricki

To answer the topic question, I was sure I wanted HRT because I've always been sure I needed to be female.

Always.

TO answer your question Nero.... what made me sure I wanted to start HRT?

Nothing made me sure I wanted to start... I knew it from the moment I found out what was possable... I was made even more sure I NEEDED HRT after the fog lifted and I could finaly think clearly for the first time in my life, could feel and so on and so forth....  and finaly stopping made me absolutely positively without a single dobut sure that I Needed HRT cuz I couldnt stand myself off of it and neither could anyone else  

You cant start with dobut, it makes a very poor foundation...  Be sure of what you want and need and go for it...  Take a linner approach and take life on head first.... dont let self dobut get in the way of accomplishing anything you know needs to be done.... And if you dont know forsure what you want to do start trying to figure it out and find the path thats right for you  

*Hugs*  Good luck dude

Quote from: Tinkerbell on December 15, 2006, 09:26:55 PM If I were to give my personal opinion regarding your feelings,  I'd say that there is a chance that you may not be transsexual after all, but again, this is my perspective and not  a "final diagnosis".

Well, I've pondered this myself, because for one thing I don't seem to feel the same way as other TS. Most TS do not hesitate when it comes to HRT. And they usually WANT the effects of it.
But I know and have known for a very long time that I'm certainly not a woman and I believe with everything in me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am a man. Now why this doesn't translate into a severe bodily dysphoria (other than breasts), I don't know.
When I first explored the possibility of being transgendered, I did wonder at first whether I was just genderqueer or a female CD. Thing is - most genderqueers or CDs do not desire or need body modification, and I definitely want my breasts removed. i feel like my discomfort with them is pretty much equivalent to an MtF who desires SRS.
I can't imagine any woman no matter how masculine or butch would want a masectomy. Women want to have breasts.
And I want to be a man, not a masculine or genderqueer woman.
i don't enjoy moving through the world being seen as a masculine woman.
I guess I'm not trans in the way others are trans.
But in the end, it doesn't really matter whether I'm a true transsexual or not, bottom line is I have severe discomfort being seen as my birth sex and I need to do something about it. Yet, I'm still terrified of hormones, but I don't see any other way. There's no choice if I'm to be seen as male.