This morning I woke up, made my little boy breakfast, checked to make sure he would eat the school lunch, helped him with last minute homework and that he had water and a snack for later. I then crawled back into bed and started to bawl like a baby because those were my last acts as just his plain old dad. Tonight I will break his little heart when I tell him that I am transitioning and that his mom and me are getting a divorce.

We have told his teacher and school counselor what is going on and are keeping him home tomorrow for some extra time to digest the news. I am praying to god to give me the strength because right now I feel like a terrible person for bringing this to him and our family. The tears won't stop.

Regardless of what happens you will still be his parent.  Remind yourself of that as much as you remind him.  If your life will be better by transitioning, so will his.

as long as he know that:

A) it isn't his fault.

B) He is loved.

C) you will still be his "Dad".


You are who you are because you were born this way.  If you had been born without a hand or missing some fingers, you would still be there for him.  So you shall be even after Transition.

Oh Melody, you sound so sad about this. I'm sure telling your little boy will go just fine. A divorce is a terrible thing, but if you keep a loving and caring environment for him, he'll be allright.
Good luck!

Thank you ladies. I am terribly sad.  I know this will be best for all of us in time, but it is now getting to the end of a lot of things and the weight of it all is crushing. I will soon be facing many things alone and it scares me. Thank you to all of you for being there and understanding. You have all been my lifeline. 

Melody, it may be an end of lot of things and the results may be unsatisfactory. Just remember to educate your son why you are transitioning even if he is young, put it in the simplest terms. I am scared as well about the many things I will be facing in my transition and friendships that may be lost. Just remember we are here for you during the thick and the thin.

*Hugs*

Oh, Melody, I wish you all the best - my heart is breaking for you.  Know that it DOES get better, it DOES get easier, and you CANNOT predict how anyone will react.  I know you will bring this news to him in a loving and empathetic way.  Realize that he will take some time to grasp what this really means, especially to him.  The divorce may be the hardest part of it for him, but it will all be a lot of information.  Realize too that this new generation is vastly more knowledgeable and understanding of differences than we were when we were young.  It is a completely different world.  If you've read my posts, you know that when I told my (adult) kids, they reacted with love and compassion.  Your little guy doesn't have the same tools as my kids, but I'm sure he'll understand in time.  Just keep it simple, and let him know he can ask any question, and he'll get an honest answer.  I'm praying for you, honey...

I told him tonight and it was simply awful. He is only 8, but he was so fast to figure out all these consequences. The things he said just about killed me. Through his tears he said things like why do you have to change, maybe you will change your mind later, don't get the operation because you will never be able to go back to being a boy after that, I want a normal family with a normal daddy and not two mommies, I don't want an ex-daddy, what am I going to call you, God made you a boy for a reason. Dear lord, those were just some of the absolutely heart-breaking things he said to me. By the time we got to the divorce, it almost seemed anti-climactic. He cried at that too, but he understands divorce much better.

We told him that I would always be his daddy and that we would always be a family and love each other even if daddy was living somewhere else, but I wanted to die on the spot. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me whole. I just collapsed emotionally and started crying. He, of course, bounced back in like 20 minutes telling me that he understood and wanted to watch tv together. Me, I think I might be emotionally scarred for life. It was just awful, awful, awful. A living nightmare.

We are keeping him home from school tomorrow to give us a long weekend to digest the changes. Give him time to think about it and ask me any questions he likes. But I am sitting here just devastated. I need to bounce back for him tomorrow.

OMG, Melody, my heart goes out to you.  I'll be thinking warm thoughts in you direction all day, and praying hard for you.  Please know, as bad as things seem now, it will get better, and you will all be happier.  It IS a bitch, though.  Just know that YOU are not one...

Hugs, Melody!  That sucks!

I do think that it stinks for most of you ladies to have to totally hide yourselves until you come out, which makes it much more shocking to family and kids.  In my case I was able to cut my hair and change my clothing and present more male, so that when I finally came out, it was like duh, Mom! with my kids.  I feel for you.  I really do.

In time I think your son will get it; kids seem to understand more than adults.  Love him and be there for him and answer his questions truthfully.  If Mom (your wife) can be reasonable through this and be positive and matter of fact with your son about all this that will help (rather than freaking out and calling you names and other such things I've heard of happening).

Jay

Awwww  Melody.  It breaks my heart to hear his was lost for a time.  But like all kids, all he wanted to really know is that you love him.  And that will never change.

I hope your weekend goes well.  And like Jay said as long as Mom does not bad mouth you he will learn that his family is like any other family.  He is love by both his parents and that he was not a fault for Mom and Dad no longer living together.

Just love him with your whole heart, as I know you do, and he will be fine.

My wife is reasonable and won't bad mouth me. However, she has become really emotionally distant from me. There is part of her that sees this as a choice and not something I must do. For a moment last night she says that she really hated Melody for bringing this pain to us. My son is a bit better. Early this morning he hugged me and said that it was ok that I wanted to be a girl. However, it is easy to see that this is causing him considerable anxiety and might be the source of embarrassment in the future. We are working through this together and he definitely know that he is loved.

I can't imagine how much it hurt you when he said those things, but it seems like he was just afraid of losing his Daddy.  It's obvious that he loves you very much, and hopefully with time he'll realize that you're still you.

If things start to look really bad for your son (as in, it looks like his school is being affected and he is growing unstable), counseling might help and family counseling (even if it is just you and him) might be able to help through this.

I wish you the best of luck and I'm glad he's being pretty good about this.

We did find him a potential counselor who we spoke to for advice before we told him. We also told his school teacher and counselor so that they could keep an eye on him. If we see any distress from him or fall-off at school, we will get him help.

Hey Melody,
His first reaction is very painful, but it's a first reaction. He'll be allright once he realizes you're still there when he needs you, even if you live apart. The pain you feel is there, but don't feel guilty, after all you're doing the only possible thing you could do. It'll work out fine with your boy, I'm sure (I have 2 boys myself, who will be 5 and 7 in a few weeks, and they are dealing with it pretty well).
Big hug and keep strong!
Marleen

Oh my, Melody!   

What foresight & courage in planning for the event of telling your son.  Kudos for that, and for telling him, period. 

Your son sounds very bright!  Those were heartfelt, but very insightful things he brought up. Kudos to him.  And obviously he's not afraid to be truthful probably because you & your spouse raised him in an environment where it's safe to be honest.  I think that as long as lines of communication are kept open, things will pan out alright in the end....it might be hard discussion, but staying true to each other by not walking away from the conversation, is still positive & progressive. 

I'm praying your weekend goes well & look forward to your updates (probably will be several days before I can get online again, however).... 

Perhaps as things progress, you might look into the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program with the United Way?  I knew two kids years ago who had a 'Big Brother/Sister' after their dad passed away -- they were 7 & 8 at the time.  When the grown-ups in their lives were having their own crisis, and the kids trying to cope with it, it was really helpful for the kids to have a safe adult to talk to, play with, and have some diversion from the home situation.  Your son would have a grown-up friend for fun & extra support.   Just a thought.....

Best wishes,

~Valerie

Yes Valerie, my son is very bright. An only child and quite precocious. I actually underestimated his perceptive abilities. The way he was able to follow a train of thought to multiple logical conclusions so rapidly stunned me. For all our preparation, I did not see that coming. It was a barrage of heartache that rocked me back on my heels.

Things seem to be going pretty well this weekend. He has asked questions and made suggestions. My favorite so far is his recommendation of the "Ahh-Bra" because he informed me that bras are uncomfortable. LOL! However you can tell that he is devoting a lot of brain power to thinking about this in the background. He has told my wife privately how strange he thinks the situation is to him.  I think he will come through it ok, but it is going to take awhile for him to digest.

Nice thing is that, because my wife's family lives nearby, he has multiple adults, male and female, to talk to about this. Uncle, aunt, grandfather, grandmother, grandmothers fiancé (with whom he loves to do intensely masculine things like fish, shoot BB guns etc). My wife's family has actually been great and understanding about this, so I don't fear their influence. He is surrounded by love.     

Quote from: Melody on November 04, 2010, 11:46:19 PM
He, of course, bounced back in like 20 minutes telling me that he understood and wanted to watch tv together. Me, I think I might be emotionally scarred for life. It was just awful, awful, awful. A living nightmare.

He's figured it out. He is smart. If no-one tries to tell him he's a victim, then he should be a rock for your wife and you.

As for your wife, can you work a bit more to bring her round?

I get the feeling she wants you to.

I've worked quite a bit with my wife. Today I went with her to her counsellor. I think divorce is inevitable, but the details are negotiable. For the first time today she mentioned possibly still living in the house even after the divorce. At least for awhile. We honestly don't know if that would be good or bad. Will it confuse my son etc. As for her emotionally, she probably will come around in time. I  thinking a bit of distance might help us sort out our feelings.