So Tuesday is our first couples therapy appointment. I'm not sure what to expect out of it. I know that some other individuals here have gone to couples therapy, and I was wondering if there is anything that I should be prepared for.

Quote from: Heartsick and Sleepless on November 04, 2010, 10:48:02 PM
So Tuesday is our first couples therapy appointment. I'm not sure what to expect out of it. I know that some other individuals here have gone to couples therapy, and I was wondering if there is anything that I should be prepared for.

YES
Be prepared to hear things you do not want to hear.
Be prepared to say what you wanted to remain secret.
Be prepared to be 100% honest, anything else and you are doing yourself and your spouse a dis-service.
Be prepared for some serious tears. There will be a box of tissues nearby, you will be using them.
Be prepared for the exhaustion that is sure to come after therapy. It might be all talking but for some reason it is very much taxing to the system the first few times. (it was for me anyways)

Quote from: cynthialee on November 05, 2010, 10:04:30 AM
YES
Be prepared to hear things you do not want to hear.
Be prepared to say what you wanted to remain secret.
Be prepared to be 100% honest, anything else and you are doing yourself and your spouse a dis-service.
Be prepared for some serious tears. There will be a box of tissues nearby, you will be using them.
Be prepared for the exhaustion that is sure to come after therapy. It might be all talking but for some reason it is very much taxing to the system the first few times. (it was for me anyways)

See, I'm nervous. I don't know how much more there could be to tell. I am glad that he is being more honest with himself, and thus is now being more honest with me. But really, I think I will be floored depending on what the "more" is.

I just am not sure if we should have an idea of where we want to be, or anything somewhat directional for ourselves and the therapist.

As far as emotional exhaustion, yeah, I don't think I will ever be prepared for that. I have lost 20 pounds in the past month from my constant worrying and just being so damn tired. 

Thank you though Cythialee!

Today is our first appointment. I am feeling a mixture of anxiety and excitement. I didn't expect the latter. I am just so happy to see Dan smiling and just giving off an air of comfort. Of course today is dragging on, but doesn't it always when you are looking forward to something?

Wish us luck!

We always wish for you the best. Erocse always says,"The harder you work the luckier you are." You two seem to be working pretty hard. I would suggest luck is on your side.

Thank you, Mrs. Erocse! Thankfully I have a partner who is working hard alongside me.

Give you guys some advice I recieved not too long ago.

Show up.
Don't worry.
and bring your sense of humor.

I'll work on the second one. The first and last should be no problem though. Thankfully we both have a dreadfully off kilter and often inappropriate sense of humor. It tends to help a lot. 

So, I just got home. Dan had to head straight to class after the session was over, so I have to wait for him to get home to discuss everything.

Our therapist was really nice. She is easy to talk to, has a good sense of humor, and it just seems like she will be a great fit for us. I think that was what I was most nervous about. If we didn't click I would have had to find someone else. We've scheduled a second appointment for December 2nd- we might move it up a week depending on if our schedules changes. The therapist we are seeing specializes in GID, sexuality, and working with couples.

We spent the time going over what brought us to her, it was a little difficult going over things face to face. I get embarrassed. 

However, I was glad that she was easy to talk to. She explained that some sessions would focus more heavily on one of us then the other, and some would focus more on what progress 'we' were making together. Dan is very shy, so I was nervous that he would have difficulty talking to the therapist, which it seems like he was somewhat reluctant sometimes, but she didn't take no for an answer. That I am glad of. So often he closes down when he isn't sure what to say. I am really looking forward to our next session. I am looking forward to discussing this all with Dan tonight, I am interested in hearing his take on everything.

The most important thing that she brought up, which I want to talk to him about when he gets home, was asking Dan what he thought would change if he were to transition, besides the physical aspects. She asked him what his reasons would be for transitioning, or for not pursuing that path. His response to the first question was that he hadn't really thought about it. Something that to her, and myself, signified he hasn't put the appropriate thought into where he wants to be. The answer to the second question made me cry. He said that he's not sure if he'd be more comfortable transitioning, that he doesn't really have any problems with his body, he doesn't hate it, but he isn't sure if it is what makes him happiest. He also said that in abstaining from transitioning he would be able to pursue the job field that makes him happy, that he wouldn't face the discriminations of being a 6'4" woman, who is obviously a transsexual, a stigma that he himself seems to hold, and lastly, he knows that he would make me happy as a man. That made me cry.

I hate that he feels that way, I love him and I just want him to be happy. The therapist said that most of our progress will be contingent upon the progress he makes with his therapist in his individual sessions. I just hope that he can get some perspective on what he wants in his life, and I hope and pray that I am one of those things.

Good to hear that you found a therapist that you both get on with.  Big sigh of relief.
I'm glad that you shared a bit of what your session was about. I'll be looking out for more of how you get on.

Theo

QuoteI hate that he feels that way, I love him and I just want him to be happy. The therapist said that most of our progress will be contingent upon the progress he makes with his therapist in his individual sessions. I just hope that he can get some perspective on what he wants in his life, and I hope and pray that I am one of those things.

Jacquelyn, I emphased the above because I want ask a question.  I assume you have told Dan this.  Does he not believe you?  I only wish my ex had had the same loving attitude.

I don't know, Janet... I hope that he does. We have been talking more. Dan has never really been a chatterbox, so it's more than I could have ever hoped for. He told me he hasn't felt like he wants to pursue transitioning for about 2 weeks, that the feeling comes and goes. He asked me to come with him to his next individual appointment this Friday, I agreed. We have our next couples therapy appointment on the 6th. We'll see where he ends up.

best of luck . . . that's all i can say
and also share the experience after the first day of therapy .