I am rather confused about myself.  I have been asking myself for years whether I may be transgendered (MtF), but wonder if it is simply a desire to crossdress and I am confusing the two.  The obvious answer is `know thyself', but I do not seem to be getting any closer to an answer by myself.

Thanks to bullying I have no memories of my childhood and few of my teenage years, so most of what I know about my earlier life is based on what family members have told me.  As a child, I used to crossdress.  Apparently, my favourite outfit was a tutu and I used a parasol when I went outside.  I also know that I loved dolls as a child, which is one of the few things I can vaguely remember myself.  Somewhere along the way, I stopped this, though I do not know when or why.  My fashion became almost asexual (baggy tracksuits, mostly) and, on face value, my pastimes are fairly asexual too.  I say on face value because they may be a little effeminate.  I mostly watch anime in my spare time, but a good deal of what I watch is squarely aimed at girls or women.

As an adult, I have never crossdressed.  I often think about it, but am afraid.  I do not know what specifically I am afraid of (I live alone, so no one would ever know!), but there is a distinct sense of fear.  These thoughts have become especially common in recent years since discovering Lolita Fashion.  I would love to wear clothes like that and regularly wonder what it would be like, but sadly I do not believe those styles would suit my body shape.  I wear my hair long and take care of it, which I suspect is why casual observers sometimes believe me to be a woman when I am out shopping (eg calling me young lady).  Women have on occasion expressed envy over my fingernails too, though I do not believe I am doing anything special with them.  As I have lived practically as a hermit since finishing high school, avoiding people whenever possible, I would not know whether my personal habits are masculine, feminine, or entirely asexual (I have no reference to judge against).

Transsexuality is a self-diagnosed condition.  Sort of a "I say it, therefore I am".  But seek out a gender therapist, for they will help you look at these feelings and hopefully point you in the right direction.

My suggestion: seek out and make an online order for youself of a nice 'office casual' dress you think might be forgiving to your body shape but still cute and femme. Measure yourself around the chest and order also a practical brassiere(a sports bra is cheap and should suffice unless you're wearing formal attire) which you will stuff in order to fill out the dress so that it looks correct-not for any other particular reason.  Unless you're naturally whip-thin and happen to like a 1920's flapper-girl look.

Oh, and while you're at it, opaque heavy patterned hose in your size, black, with vertical stripes or some such-slims the legs, and you'll not have to shave if you get heavy, patterned hose.

Maybe a nice pair of flat shoes on clearance-Target has cheap ballet flats...

Get yourself a few cheapie full-length mirrors and put them up in your hermit-hole.

Get the outfit, put it on, look at yourself in it, and write down every emotion/thought the experience gives you.  Maybe do it once a week for a while, see how your feelings change over time.
You'll be out about 50-60$ this way, and you'll learn a lot about yourself, doing this.

You sound just like me and I would really like you to have a deeper think about your early years, try to remember what you can and evaluate those feelings. How old are you now and how far back does your memory go back? If you feel comfortable, try asking your family members whether your early behaviours were more masculine or feminine.

I never properly got into anime until about a few years ago, but I still watched them as a kid since they were shown on TV. I remember I prefer those that were aimed at girls (shojo anime) rather than the robot battle types (mecha genre). I still watch anime these days and much of it is still the shojo genre... I am currently watching Shugo Chara.

I love at home with my mother, but sometimes when she is out of the house, I would lock myself in my room and put on a anime cosplay costume; no matter how many time I have put that on before, it stills feel weird as if somone or some spiritual being is watching me... I have no idea, but perhaps my father in heaven looking down at me with disapproval. Could this be the same reason why you are scared to crossdress? If so, don't be as it is really just a silly excuse... you live alone anyway. Since you are into Lolita fashion, what I suggest you do is to try to find something you like and try it on. Ebay is a good website to purchase these things.

If thing are hazy for you, you would certainly want to understand yourself better. Only you know if you are trans or not. If you can get some counselling, by all means go to it.

Thank you for the suggestions.  Looking into some form of professional guidance definitely sounds like a good idea.  I probably do need to challenge that fear of crossdressing head-on too.  Something 'office casual' sounds like it would be a good, safe bet.  I love the look of Lolita Fashion, but it is a better fit on someone more slender than myself.  Perhaps it is the proverbial greener grass.

I am 30.  I have almost no pre-teen memories, and very few from younger than 18.  Basically, the years of my school life and earlier are mostly a blank.  Most of what I do know has come from my parents recalling their memories to me, though there is the odd, small event here and there I can vaguely remember myself.

I loved Shugo Chara!  Colourful, cute, fun and, at times, moving.

I like Shugo Chara as the theme revolves around being your true self and live by your true hidden personality. This is the same theme that us TS goes through as well. In a way, I can relate to the main character Amu.

Yes, some professional help will be beneficial as you can talk about your fear of crossdressing as well as your identity issues. It seems to me that you using your body image as an excuse to yourself not to follow what your heart wants. I am sure this is what some of us (and even genetic girls) feels too.... we are too old, too fat, too tall, too ugly etc... If we all stick with this mind frame none of us would get anywhere right? You should probably voice your concern at the Crossdresser section of the forum and ask for some tips.

Just to make you feel better, I found this on a quick Google image search... I wouldn't exactly call her "slender" but nonetheless she looks pretty good in a lolita dress.

Yay another anime lover!

Sorry about that, anywho...You can see a therapist and talk about how things could work out if you transitioned. You might even be interested in seeking a "trial run" of HRT or something. I only know one person that tried and stopped because it wasn't the direction he wanted to go, he lasted about 2 1/2 months. None of the effects of HRT persist with him today, even after a year. Then again, you're not him so a therapist is the only one who can say anything about it.

Let's say "forget the therapist!" if you're not into jumping into it. You can try buying girl's clothes and makeup, blah blah and if you're worried about weird looks, keep your cellphone open or carry a notepad with measurements (your own) and claim you're buying this as a big gift for someone who lost a lot in a house fire (good timing too for christmas!). Crossdressing in your own home isn't exactly trying out being a girl 100%, but it gives you a vague idea if you dress and look like a girl, then you really feel good about it...it may give you some direction.

Oh, and the definition of "crossdressing" is vague. Many agree it to be wearing the opposite sex's clothes and getting sexual gratification off of it. Others do not. Then there are "->-bleeped-<-s" who crossdress and go the extra mile to look like the opposite gender, but still do not identify as that gender. I may have that wrong too so don't take me too seriously. A true "transsexual" just identifies as the opposite gender and may or may not dress accordingly. At least that's how I understand it from a definition point of view.

So perhaps with my two cents, you may be able to understand yourself a little better. Sorry to anyone who might take offense to me trying to "define" the various terms above!

I have only ever previously seen very slender women in that fashion style, but it does look fine on her.  Perhaps it is worth a try!