Hey, all - a few of you may vaguely remember me. I posted a little bit a while back, and have since kinda withdrawn, since it feels like there is little to learn that applies at this stage. My initial questions ("am I trans? What will HRT do? How good are the results of SRS?") have been answered quite thoroughly (to whit, "YES!", "Enough" and "Good enough"). It's been several months since I first contacted a psychologist, and when I contacted that psychologist, that was because I needed help now. As in, immediately. I had only just allowed myself to stop repressing the constant feelings of inferiority, shame, resentment, and self-loathing, and linked them to transsexualism, but the amount of stuff locked away in my subconscious was staggering, and unbearable at first.
When I say "unbearable at first", you may take that to mean "but more and more bearable over time". But no - it's pretty much only escalated, and is way past merely "unbearable" at this point. When I first went to the psychologist, it was with the understanding that a society as modern, civilized, and humane as the one I live in would, of course, see my predicament, and help me as soon as reasonably possible. It's been several months already, and nothing has happened - I've been referred to a specialist on sexuality and gender issues, and had a consultation, but she knew less about transsexualism than I did after just a couple of months, and she consistently misgendered even post-transition trans people, and she used slurs. On top of that, she refused to refer me into the program yet. After leaving her office, I was closer to suicide than I've ever been before in my life, and I haven't recovered afterwards.
However, things are worse than this - turns out the system not only requires 1-2 full years of therapy before you're allowed any level of HRT at all (and I haven't even managed to get myself into the beginning stages of that program - I'm still waiting to be referred to the stage where I'll be required to wait for 1-2 years) - they also require "real-life experience" before HRT, and will require me to prove that I can function in the new gender role. But the thing is, I can't function in any role at all! My depression and dysphoria are severe enough that getting out of bed in the morning is an epic, heroic struggle, and I'm unable to even follow the most basic university courses. Every day, I stave off the urge to self-harm, or to harm others. Every night, I stare into the wall for hours before I can fall asleep, feeling the remains of my youth slip away from my fingers.
So, in order to be allowed HRT, I need to function normally. I need HRT to function normally. I need HRT in order to get HRT, and self-medication is punished by refusal of transition.
In order to get HRT, I need HRT, which would lead to me being denied HRT.
WHEN DID FRANZ KAFKA BECOME THE AUTHOR OF MY LIFE???
Every single day is unbearable, and I have to live in this state for over a year in order to be allowed out of it. If I try to wait that long, I'm pretty sure I'd be suicidal long before. It seems to me like the system has been specifically designed in order to drive me, and other like me, to suicide. They're murderers, and they're in total control of my life.
There is only one out: I need to self-medicate, and I need to hide that fact from the authorities. In any event, I can't keep waiting, because my youth is slipping away, and how can I grow into an elderly lady when I've never been a young girl? Problem is, all reputable online pharmacies refuse to ship here because of our strict rules, so that means I'm stuck with the disreputable ones, the medicine from whom can't be trusted not to kill me. Which leads me back to my point: The system is trying to kill me!
Oh, they probably view themselves as righteous and helpful, but they're still trying to kill me.
I would give up an arm and both legs for HRT. I'd be willing to lose contact with all my friends and family for the rest of my life. Hell, I'd prostitute myself, and if I was told that, in order to get HRT, I'd have to kill someone? I'm not sure I wouldn't. I'd rather have HRT than food. My body as it exists is an abomination, and I abhor it. It poisons everything I do, everything I have even the slightest contact with. It always has.
There is only one thing left to add: I will not die. I will not allow them to win. I will not allow my corpse and spirit to be violated by being remembered as a man. I am going to transition, even if I have to emigrate, or take unsafe medications, or rob a pharmacy in order to get there. And if I take bad HRT and die, I can think of no better way to go. But that is a last resort. For now, I will survive one more day. Just one more. As always.
I need help right now, and I won't get it.
Thanks for listening.
