So yeah i had met this girl that was a fellow trans on craigslist, we met and talked and it seemed we really hit it off, i told her i was trans but i might not, i don't remember now. any way earlier today i told her and she said to me, that she is only looking for a man she is not gay.

What is the point for me to even try and meet someone any more, I am a ugly little troll that no would ever want to have a serious relationship with me.

If someone wanted a girl they would just date a real girl if they wanted a boy they would just date a real boy. I am 22 and never had a relationship last more then 2 months in my entire life, as soon as they find something better they dump me with no remorse. No one even enjoys me for me, either they just want sex so there sick pervs that only talk to me with that intention, or they are people that don't give a damn about me and are only talking to me because there friends of my friend. I am a short worthless rat, and i will never ever be able to have someone that loves me and is honestly wanting to be with me.

I just wish there was someone that would look at me as something special, or at least be interested in me because of me. But that will never happen i am no were near a man, and i am not ever gonna be able to be a women ever.

No one ever checks me out, i have never been flirted with, and any time i go out with people if anyone comes up they always talk to my friends no one ever wants to get to know me i am not even worth talking to. I hate my self i hate my body and i hate that no one ever cares about me. I am worthless and uninteresting. No one will ever love me and honestly why should they.

I'm truly sorry that happened to you, you deserve better. I'll be honest, sometimes I feel the same way. The only relationship I've ever been in that lasted longer than three weeks was with someone I barely saw, and that ended horribly, and I think only lasted as long as it did because he was trans himself.

I wish I knew something I could say to actually help. But things will get better. You'll find the one you're meant to be with.

Well, I'm glad you got back on Susans like I suggested. We are going to meet up on Sunday and I am going to introduce you to a whole lot of people that will like you for who you are even if you're not sure just what that is. I think things are about to turn around for you!

Huggs, Stacy

I keep being told that but it wont happen, i gave up believing that, its just this simple why would any one be with me? I have tried being confident i tried hard being proud, but no one even notices me, I am always walked over, literally people run right over me with out even noticing, at most they give me that half said I'm sorry, for running me over, meanwhile my friends even my same size are constantly having people acknowledge and notice them. but me being only a 5 ft tall queer freak no one even wants to notice me our give a damn about me. Its not like we have a gay community down here either, I have no one of meeting someone who would be remotely attracted to me and again, why should any one, i am too short to be a man and im too ugly to be a women, i have no use and i have nothing to appeal to people with, why was a born like this ;(

And i don't see me feeling better any time soon, i'm tired of being ignored and treated like i'm worthless, no one wants me around no one cares about me...any were.

Quote from: StacyBeaumont on November 24, 2010, 03:06:33 PM
Well, I'm glad you got back on Susans like I suggested. We are going to meet up on Sunday and I am going to introduce you to a whole lot of people that will like you for who you are even if you're not sure just what that is. I think things are about to turn around for you!

Huggs, Stacy

I hope so but i doubt it...i swear all try and cheer up by Sunday, I just...I am tired of being alone, and acting like i am happy around everyone when really i wish i was far away from them all.

I'm sure you'll find someone to love you. Ya just gotta be in the right place at the right time. The environment in which you look for that special someone definitely has a big role to play in finding the right person and I will say from what I've seen it's extremely difficult to find someone who isn't just looking for casual sex on craigslist.

And maybe it's just my perspective but even though she turned you down at least the reason why is encouraging. She's not interested in women and you identify as such, which means she sees you as a woman.

Finding love when you're trying to sort out your gender identity and expression can be especially difficult but it can be done. Keep your chin up and try not to lose hope.

Thank you i needed to hear that, and your right it hurts but it is bitter sweet, and she wasnt rude about it, i think ti is like you said, and i agree i gave up on craigslist for a while just kinda read them cause they make me laugh...(no offense to any one who uses it of course.

and the environment i wish i could look for that right person is were we could be very open about who we are, and not be bullied about it too much, kinda like a super San Fransisco gay community...i think you understand what i mean...im sorry i rambled off there for a second but thank you you really have the ability to be kind with few words

It always seems that when you decide that you will not have someone in your life and quit looking, that certain person walks into your life.

I have been in three long term relationships, marriages in fact, and I was not looking when they came into my life.  Right now, I am single and I often wonder if anyone will walk in to my life.  I have had and had crushes but they never seem to go beyond just flirting.  But flirting is fun.  I usually start it, but I have had some guys flirt with me.

Hang in there and just quit looking.  They will find you. 

lol that is kinda confusing...but ok i will not give up, and also im not gonna try...

Ill get back in the boat, but ill wait for the wind to take sail, that is a good metaphor for it .

hi Paula,

I can really sympathise with you, im 49 years old and a single parent, ive been married twice and neither really worked from the start because they thought they were getting together with a guy as iv'e always had to go out as a guy and not been able to show my true self. Well i havent been to craigslist but ive been using second life and
havent clicked with anyone there just found a lot of problems to deal with.
One bi girl on second life called me a freak and another thought i would just be okay for sex.
I'm looking for some one special too and i'm not going to give up.

hugs Antonia xxx

thanks and i know we will both be able to find someone we just cant force it we need to let it be guided towards us.

But you're not ugly and you are more than just something. If those people wanted a real boy or a real girl, they can go find one--but that doesn't guarantee that they will be happier that way as opposed to being with you. What matters is how genuine a person is and honestly speaking, if they are afraid to take you seriously, then they're not worth your time.

I am in a similar boat as you. I constantly weigh my own transition with the hopes of finding someone who will love me for who I am. Sometimes it's hard to be proud of who I am.

Sure, you are no where near a man nor will you ever be a biological woman. But you know clearly how you feel and you know undoubtedly that you are a woman inside. No one can ever discredit you for that. You are more complete in some way, than a biological woman. You are more complete as a human being to experience the good and bad of being/knowing both genders at once. And maybe the norm cannot grasp this duality and maybe they even will go out of their way to put it down--but one day, someone will find you, and treasure you as a whole.

I was in my late 20s before I had a decent relationship. I married that one.

The measure of you, isn't others, it's how you treat them.

jamherst you look very handsome you look like a guy i use to go to high school with, and both of you are right, Im just lonely and i thought i was about to have someone and when it fell through it was not expected so i litterly got dumped.

but im ok now.

Whoa, back the truck up...the self-loathing hurts to watch....! 

Paula I see in your last post you said you're alright now, but I feel compelled to butt in anyway, 1) because it might help others at some point, and 2) because you may be able to use it at some point future--and quite honestly, the depth of the experience/feelings that you shared indicates to me that you've thought & felt them before & will think & feel them again. I can only partially relate to your situation. I know first hand both social isolation & poor self-image, but my girl-parts match my brain so I can't identify with the gender piece on a tangible level. 

I'm so sorry you've had a rough go of things. I hope the thoughts I share can help you or others.  Some of what I'm about to say might sound hokey, because it sure sounded hokey to me when I was first hearing these concepts, and not only hokey, but kind of unreasonable.  But now that I've come to understand and experience certain things firsthand, I wish I'd understood sooner. Trouble is, I have no idea just how I came to realize these things in my own life....so, I can tell you what has worked for me, but I can't tell you how to get there.  I s'pose it's one of those things that becomes part of one's journey, if desired....and I s'pose, too, that not having all the answers leaves room for interaction, for this community we choose to participate in to realize its function as a community.

Your initial post shouts at me, "I hate myself!!"   First of all, that breaks my heart, and secondly, hon, it really doesn't seem to be serving your purpose.  Lesson 1: If it doesn't serve your purpose or lead you to your goals, get rid of it.  I am still figuring out how to adopt that attitude for myself, but I'm in remedial classes for that one!  Just something I heard or read somewhere in time that comes to mind at the moment. 

Lesson 2: Smile.  At the world, at yourself. The act of smiling itself automatically ups your mood, and has the potential for chain reaction.  Who cares if people notice?  Smile for your own damn happiness. 

Lesson 3: Don't try to be confident.  Because if you have to try, it's not really there inside you.  Develop your confidence, and you will just have it.  Tell yourself when you've done well, when you think you look good in such & such clothes, hair, whatever. 

Lesson 4: Say good things to yourself. It works.  Start with things you already like about yourself....you'll notice in time that you end up adding more to your list.

Lesson 5: (If you dare!):  Look yourself in the eyes every day for a minimum of 21 days and say TEN times, "I love you."  Even if you don't believe it.  Just do it. I dare ya's.  (I want a report from anyone who tries this in earnest.

Good relationships with others start with a good relationship with yourself. Develop that. You're worth it, the whole lot of you....and me.  Don't look to others to supply your feelings of self-worth.  Be your own friend.  Start there.  You'll find yourself changing in time, for the better....your attitudes will slowly morph....and as you morph, the world appears to change, too....but really it'll just be your new outlook. 

Finally, appearances are secondary to most people. I, for one, am not the kind of person who can go googly-eyed over people on TV, in magazines, etc, no matter how "attractive" people consider them.  For me, it's knowing a person, seeing them in action, being who they are, with all the nuances that encompass being human. Sometimes I will think about a particular person I have affection for...I'll notice that some of their physical traits may not be classically "attractive" but because they're part of this person I care for, they, and the person as a whole, are beautiful. 

Where the sex & gender thing is concerned, I know that I can love someone who is male, female, both, neither, or none of the above.  There's got to be more than one of us out there!  And really, there are.  Chillax.  Be gentle with yourself, and then be gentle with others. 

I'm sorry I've not the time to develop these thoughts more fully....my internet hang-out is closing early tonight & I gotta' run....but please, everyone....give yourselves a break.  You don't have to find your own beauty or try to manifest it in yourself....it's already inside you, waiting to be noticed.   

Bless you,

~Valerie 

your words are really sweet,and I appreciate your kindness, but my feelings dont come from inside,I use to love my self and use to be proud and find my self as beautiful as a model,but not any more.

it comes from the fact that i am ignored by 99 out of 100 people i am around, i am always being walked over ignored and not even acknowledged, and it don't matter what i say or do how i act i am still treated like a dormouse under peoples feet, I am literally just completely ignored and treated inferior to people. i am never ever invited to parties, as a matter of fact every single one of my friends had a Halloween costume party and i was the only one not invited. The only parties i ever go to are family parties and at them no one talks to me the whole time im there when i try to force conversation on someone no matter what i talk about they will take 5 or maybe if im lucky 10 minutes then find a excuse to go talk to someone more important (ive actually been told that more then once.)

im only 5 ft tall and have a real girlie face, so no one respects me as a adult, hell they don't even respect me as a child, I am treated like i am retarded, and again that is not a exaggeration, the only people that talk to me literally talk to me like there talking to a ignorant person, my IQ is 136 but they will "dumb things down" constantly if they are talking to me, either that or they will talk to me just to start a conversation with who ever i am with.

How can you say it is possible for me to love my self when no one will even acknowledge my presence male or female? i can say i love myself a thousand times in the mirror but the second i walk out and around the public alone(because no one will ever hangout with me, when i ask or offer people to hangout i am either just completely ignored when i ask or they will make a excuse not to. They then and go off and do something with out me usually with someone else.)

And when i am in public all I have is people running into me telling me they did not notice me there, or i am ignored completely, and it don't matter were i am, i could be at the clubs, hanging out with people, or even at church were you are forced to interact with people, and even there i am literally avoided by everyone, it does not matter were i am or who i am with or what attitude i have, i am never ever treated like people want to be around me, and no one acts like my presence is wanted.

not in my family, not with my friend (which we might hang out once a month if i am lucky enough to be squeezed into the all the other people she rather hangs out with.) not at work no matter were i am, i'm not given attention and im not a attention whore or any thing, but when you are completely ignored you would like if someone would at least smile you or at the very least not trip/run over you while there walking.

I am not exaggerating it is a daily thing for me to know that i am going to go out there and just be a doormat to everyone. I can already tell you how thanksgiving is gonna go, ill go over to my grandparents they will say hi and then go strait to talking to my parents about hunting, the rest of the family will come over and talk amongst them selves, I will force conversation with who ever is near me, they will walk away soon or obviously just cut conversation, and then we will eat, i will be forced to eat at a TV tray because there is never enough room for me to eat with every one else (honestly i have gone 5 thanksgivings with out eating with the rest of the family but being in the same room with them) then my parents will drop me off at home and they will go to the hunting lease with everyone else, leaving me alone for the rest of the holiday.

Paula .. I can really sympathize  with you .. most of my relationships dont last long because my GID gets in the way... however I feel that there is someone for everyone out there we just need time to find that person and be strong not to give up...

When you say your hate yourself and feel you are not worth it ... this is something you need to address... while I can totally understand that you may feel this way (there are days that I feel the same way) ...

however I must point out that what ever is on your mind is also on your body... when something is on your mind your body will show signs of what you are thinking..
example: If you are interested in someone your body will subconsciously point itself towards that person... and will show various signs of body language that display that you are interested in that person...

Hence if you keep feeling that you are you are not worth it and reject yourself your body will display signs of this and when people see these signs it is almost always mistaken for lack of interest in that person or as signs of rejection towards that person...

there are many people even ones who are not trans who feel the same way .. so it is important to remember that you are not alone and others here  have given you some awesome advice .. so dont give up!

also I would recommend reading stuff on body language as it helps a lot!! even for day to day interactions with people!!!

::hugs::

Quote from: Paula_Itoi on November 24, 2010, 06:07:02 PM
jamherst you look very handsome you look like a guy i use to go to high school with, and both of you are right, Im just lonely and i thought i was about to have someone and when it fell through it was not expected so i litterly got dumped.

but im ok now.

Thanks ^^.

Nothing wrong with feeling lonely--I think it comes and goes in phases. I also browsed CL for a little bit and I know how it is there. The gay side is basically dick stew and trans people are thrown in between as a fetish thing. I really thought that girls would be a bit more forgiving with mtfs but I guess it's never easy for us in general. Then I realized how bad of a place CL was haha ;;;...and dangerous to say the least.

Jamherst you don't know how bad i wished you lived in Texas, we would be great friends, you would be like the brother i never had . I just wanna say considering your pic, you look like you can kick ass!

and vibes i understand what your saying and your right, and like you and Valerie said i just need to love my self, it is very hard though when no one else does.

Paula - I read your words with sadness - and hope. At least you are reaching out here and trying. As others have said, it does gets better if you keep trying. And your last post is positive.

Although the question is, keep trying what. Janet mentioned that sometimes when you stop looking for a relationship is when one walks into your life. I wonder if you were to re-focus on living more fully in other parts of your life if that might not change things for you. It may be hard, but when I have been depressed, sometimes it worked for me to just put my depression and self-doubt in a compartment, and go to a movie or concert or whatever and lose myself in the activity. It also worked to read or draw or listen to music. Sunsets are wonderful things to contemplate, experience, and lose yourself in.

It also helped to get into therapy and to read self-help and especially Buddhist books ( I like Pema Chodrun). Did I mention therapy really, really helped? Although I had to look around to find a therapist with whom I connected.

Some of your thoughts seem to lead you into negative downward spirals - and you are smart enough to tie yourself into really convoluted knots - but you are smart enough with help to untie the knots.

About dating, I gave it up for awhile, because I am not ready. I have been in relationships before, but always at the expense of being someone not quite authentic. I was a good chameleon, a mirror. Ironically I can get lots of attention, as long as I am this people-pleasing self. But I do not feel seen or heard either - it is all my "persona." So I am focusing on learning to be myself, trying to figure out who I am - and on enjoying life no matter how else I feel. I am alone, but not lonely because I do have friends and an adult son who lives with me. I am I expect considerably older and I have survived deep angst, so I know it does get better, and help is good to get.

I think another way of understanding your feelings about yourself is that you are still looking to find, to get to know, to become and to create yourself which may need to come before a relationship. I do not know who you are comparing yourself to, but I think you need to be and accept and appreciate yourself as you are, not compared to some outside standard.

I hope you keep sharing here.

And I wish I could give you a big hug.

Kendall