Well.......it's been three weeks since I totally came out as trans to my girlfriend (she knew about my crossdressing 3 years ago); things seemed to be going ok for the most part other than the fact she no longer wanted me to really touch her or kiss me, but over the last few days things have really come to a head.

She's gotten to the point of where she never really spends any time with me, is always going out with friends and won't come to bed until long after I'm asleep. I've been feeling really rejected as a person and broke down this evening while we were out a dinner. We talked about a lot of things; how she's resentful of the period of depression I went thru over the past few years, how she doesn't know if she can handle my transition, how she feels like she could deal with it better if it were over in an instant (you and me both!). I just got a list of Endos from my therapist and my hormone letter (yay!) and that topic was touched upon, she's not sure she can handle the changes, but she's mostly just afraid of the unknown.

Anyway, we've been living together for 3 1/2 years, but after this weekend I have to move out.

<sigh>

I dunno, after tonight I feel like she understands who I am and where I'm at more than ever before, that said, she still feels like we need to make this change; we'll still be "together" I suppose, but in more of a dating capacity.... something I'm not sure I'm going to be able to handle, I've never been so good at playing the dashing prince role.....

While this throws a pretty big monkey wrench into everything and is something I was absolutely dreading and had hoped it would not come to, I actually feel relieved in some weird way. I don't even know why or how to explain it.... maybe like I feel like I have permission to be me? I dunno.... can't really grasp it yet.

The next few days will be spent going thru and packing my stuff, which sucks because most of what is here is "ours" and will stay with her; it's hard to dismantle 4 years of your life with someone else. Bye-bye $1400 memory foam matress, catch ya later 32 inch flat screen..... thankfully she's letting me take the computer. The rest of the stuff that is actually mine, is lame guy stuff that I don't really want anyhow with the exception of my guitars.... I'll get a pretty fresh start, if I want it or not.

So...... it looks like when I start HRT it'll really feel like I'm going thru puberty again because I'll be living in a small bedroom at my mothers 2 bedroom home. Did I mention my mom hasn't fully accepted the transition thing yet? I feel like I'm totally going to have some 13 year old girl "I hate you!" <door slam> moments. Wait a minute.... this could be fun.

~Sara (trying to keep her head up)

Give her some time. You never know, maybe she'll realize you're still you just like you've always been and decide "you" are still awesome.
And if not, then "you" aren't the person they wanted anyway and would you really wanna be with someone who didn't really want to be with "you" anyway?

Sara, I know all to well the lose you will and are feeling.  I lose a $2000 Select comfort bed ( she kept it ), A 45" Big screen and a beautiful home.  I now live in a 30" travel trailer.

But I am me finally.  It is hard at first, but my ex and I still talk from time to time.  Oh and we were together for 20 years.

It will and does get better.

One Big Sister Hug to help you make it through.

I'm in the middle of splitting up with my wife of 15 years. I am losing my beautiful 4100 sq. ft. suburban home in an amazing master planned community, most of the possessions we came to own together like our great Ethan Allen furniture and my 100" projector and surround sound in my home theater. I know possessions shouldn't mean that much, but it totally sucks. Sure, I will be walking away with money, but I often feel like I am being payed off to get lost. That isn't literally true because we are still friends and we have a son and I am not being asked not to have contact, but it feels an awful lot like I am not welcome anymore in the house and home we built together. Going back to living in a small apartment or even at my mom's house feels like a huge step back. Right now, it is hard to see it as being allowed to be myself because I am not full time. It doesn't feel fair. I have faith it will get better, but it will take a long time to reclaim what I lost. If it ever happens.

This is why I broke up with my ex and stopped dating quite some time before I transitioned.
Good luck; maybe look at this as an opportunity to find someone who DOES accept your transition

br00tal.

I fear the same will happen with my lady and I as well. You know, seeing as we're both ladies. ->-bleeped-<-.

What I'll miss is skiing with her. Taking turns on a pow day and skiing up to my love and smootching. I think I'm going to cry.

Lowering her after she sends some ->-bleeped-<-ing 12a sport route and giving her the biggest hug in the world.

Curling up beside her to watch planet earth or some other assorted nerdiness.

I'm not going to miss any of the stuff, I'm going to miss the lady I love.

that is really quite sad ... give her some time she may come around...

one things is for sure ... things will get better... so dont give up hope!

cheers to the journey ahead! and best of luck!

::hugs::

Hi Anthro

I don't know about your girlfriend, what is she thinking or feeling about the situation.
you are feeling a woman for a long time, she tought you where a man, very confusing for the both of you.
sometimes it will be better in time when people did have the time to think about it and come together again but there are several examples that the one in transition have to build on a whole new life, like I've said before, transition is not an easy way buth for most of us the only way.
But, you will get something else in return, the ultimate freedom to be who you are, your own identity in the gender you are.
you don't have to play a role of a man anymore and maybe she'll come back, you never know what future has in mind.
go for it honey, it your life , make the best of it

hugs
annette

Whatever you do be strong in it but be open to change or traveling down unknown roads just as strong as you are in what you are doing now. You never know where you will be in a dozen or more years.    But know you will  survive and learn much along the way, whichever way you go 

I was showed the door twice by different women when I tried living the male but couldn't do it properly.

It hurts all ways but it kickstarts the new life.

Thanks for the kind thoughts everyone, I could certainly use them right now.

We never talked any more about things last night, she stayed up partying with one of her friends and I went to bed. It was tough waking up this morning knowing this will be the second to last time I will wake up in this place and wake up beside her.  I really love this woman and it's going to be so hard not to come home to her every night and wake up together. I'm also going to miss our dog more than I can even imagine, we are so close; when I'm alone he's always with me, I talk to him, sing to him, he wakes me up tugging on my blanket wanting under with me.... just even considering that not being a daily occurrence just kills me inside.

As far as the "stuff" goes, I was kinda kidding, I won't really "miss" any of it per se, but the sudden realization that all you can show for the past 27 years will fit in the trunk of your car (and I have a very small car) is a real downer.

It's just a very challenging time right now and I'm not sure how I'm gonna make it thru. I'll do my best, guess that's all I can do. 

This is my pup sleeping with me, I'm going to miss him so much...



~Sara

Oh Sara,

I know your pain, really, as I have been there.  When something leaves our lives it makes room for something else.  Never be sorry for your decision because there was no assurance that this wasn't going to happen even if you never came out as trans.  Be thankful that it happens now while you are young.  I don't think I had much more than a trunk full of stuff at your age either.  I know it hurts now but you have a sea of opportunity in front of you.  Stand proud at the bow of your ship as you head for destinations unknown!

Hugs,
Rylee

That was the hardest for me.  Leaving my beloved Polarbear.  She kept him.  But I do have my cats.  Maybe you could get visitation.

Can I ask everyone here who lost or gave up so much to their girlfriend's or wives..... Why did you do this? Guilt?
Why didn't you either equitably split everything up or sell it for a lesser value? Why are they walking away with so much of  your joint possessions or the ones that you own outright?

Why didn't they leave the home, instead of you? They have the problem with us, and they should be the ones to walk out. Anyone agree?

Quote from: juliekins on November 28, 2010, 02:03:49 PM
Can I ask everyone here who lost or gave up so much to their girlfriend's or wives..... Why did you do this? Guilt?
Why didn't you either equitably split everything up or sell it for a lesser value? Why are they walking away with so much of  your joint possessions or the ones that you own outright?

Why didn't they leave the home, instead of you? They have the problem with us, and they should be the ones to walk out. Anyone agree?

It was about totally starting over so i had to go and flush the past

Quote from: juliekins on November 28, 2010, 02:03:49 PM
Can I ask everyone here who lost or gave up so much to their girlfriend's or wives..... Why did you do this? Guilt?
Why didn't you either equitably split everything up or sell it for a lesser value? Why are they walking away with so much of  your joint possessions or the ones that you own outright?

Why didn't they leave the home, instead of you? They have the problem with us, and they should be the ones to walk out. Anyone agree?

Money wise, we are splitting down the middle. That does come out to quite a bit if money, but i have a transition to pay for. If she ever sells the house, I get half our original down payment back, but the house was in her name and she is the primary breadwinner. Plus I have a son who I wouldn't want to have leave his home. So she keeps the house and stuff. I will be taking stuff like some furniture, TV, computer etc. So it is not quite as lopsided as it seems. Leaving our home and neighborhood is very tough though.

Quote from: juliekins on November 28, 2010, 02:03:49 PM
Why didn't they leave the home, instead of you? They have the problem with us, and they should be the ones to walk out. Anyone agree?

I confess, I've wondered about this as well. But have never raised it as it's a matter upon which I have no direct experience.

Quote from: juliekins on November 28, 2010, 02:03:49 PM

Why didn't they leave the home, instead of you? They have the problem with us, and they should be the ones to walk out. Anyone agree?

For me, it was the cheaper of two options.  Agree to her terms, or hire a lawyer and fight for my way.

We would have still sold the house, but I would have been in a bad place.  At least this way, we parted friends.

Quote from: Melody on November 28, 2010, 06:24:57 PM
Money wise, we are splitting down the middle. That does come out to quite a bit if money, but i have a transition to pay for. If she ever sells the house, I get half our original down payment back, but the house was in her name and she is the primary breadwinner. Plus I have a son who I wouldn't want to have leave his home. So she keeps the house and stuff. I will be taking stuff like some furniture, TV, computer etc. So it is not quite as lopsided as it seems. Leaving our home and neighborhood is very tough though.

Isn't it typical for a person to refinance, do a quit claim deed and pay off their departing partner? Again, having lost so much myself, and having seen others go through the same thing, I'm challenging others in our TG community to take a stand for themselves. We all tend to be so quick to relinquish our home, possessions and time with our kids to the mom. Too often, I've seen them play the victim card to our family and friends. Meanwhile, they have round the clock access to our kids when some of them demean us and poison the waters for our relationships with our kids.

If I sound bitter, it's because I fell victim to my own guilt and insecurities. I've also seen it play out in many TS and TG friends of mine. We need to stand up tall and proud, and not give away our rights, place and possessions to someone who will do nothing but belittle us behind our back.

I can't speak to your situation specifically, Melody, but I'm in your corner. I know this is a tough time to everyone on here, that's why I'm choosing to speak out on this subject.

There are people who will take advantage of you if you let them.  Know the laws regarding property and divorce and don't settle for less than what you should get.  I never understood why anyone would just walk away from a lifetime (or years) of building an estate just because they are TG.  I gave my ex a few things because I made more than her but in the end it was pretty much an even split.  Considering I made about four times what she did over the years I'd say a 50/50 split was a pretty good deal for her.  She knew if she went for the jugular I would have fought her tooth and nail and the attorneys would have owned our estate.  Instead we settled on 50/50 and used the same attorney to do the basic legal work.

And we're still friends.

But if she got greedy and wanted more than half, I couldn't have cared less about remaining friends.  Who wants to be friends with someone who tries to take you for everything?