Quote from: Julie Marie on November 28, 2010, 10:09:29 PM
There are people who will take advantage of you if you let them.  Know the laws regarding property and divorce and don't settle for less than what you should get.  I never understood why anyone would just walk away from a lifetime (or years) of building an estate just because they are TG.  I gave my ex a few things because I made more than her but in the end it was pretty much an even split.  Considering I made about four times what she did over the years I'd say a 50/50 split was a pretty good deal for her.  She knew if she went for the jugular I would have fought her tooth and nail and the attorneys would have owned our estate.  Instead we settled on 50/50 and used the same attorney to do the basic legal work.

And we're still friends.

But if she got greedy and wanted more than half, I couldn't have cared less about remaining friends.  Who wants to be friends with someone who tries to take you for everything?

This is basically my situation and the way we are handling it with one lawyer, but the difference is I am your wife in the situation. My wife makes much more money than me and has for years. She financed our house on her salary alone since we moved to her hometown so she could be close to her mother and I quit my job so she could do it. What hurts is that I had a nice job making pretty good money in a flexible university situation (where transitioning would have been no problem) and my own health insurance before we moved. Now, no job or health insurance. I will have to get something soon or have her extend my health insurance via court order. The house has less equity now than when we bought it and instead of walking away with about 17k now and leaving money on the table, I am gambling that eventually housing market prices will recover so that when does get around to selling the house I can recoup my full initial investment.

The sticking point is that too much of the money she is leaving me is in 401(k) investments. I know you can use some of that money with a 10% hit for unreimbursed medical costs, but I haven't been shown that includes GRS or things like electrolysis. We have a good size amount of stock, but she is being resistant to splitting that 50/50 for fear of my son's college fund being dented (we want to use some of that for his education). He is 8 and 11 years away from his freshman year, so I am insisting on more liquid assets I can use right now.

Okay, first of all, there's an unwritten rule in many states that takes into consideration the sacrifices one spouse made for the other when dividing assets.  Typically it is something like, the wife supported the couple while the husband went to law school, after the husband got his degree and started making money the wife could stay home and raise a family.  This usually leads to a 50/50 split in the courts even though the wife contributed little in cash assets to the estate.  The division of assets has to be agreeable to both parties.  In other words, don't sign anything that will leave you up a creek.

If your house has equity in it you could either force the sale or make her pay you half the equity.  You need liquid assets to support yourself until you get back on your feet.  Another option is maintenance.  Just because you were the husband doesn't exclude you from getting maintenance.  Typically maintenance is paid for a fixed number of years and it is intended to help the lower wage earner while they re-establish themselves in the working world.  You said you gave up a good job so your wife could further her career?  Well, that has value.

Whatever you do, don't take what she offers if it is going to leave you screwed.  This is a division of assets built up during the marriage and that means more than simply cash value.  She has to meet you half way.  How would she respond if you decided how everything was going to be split so that you got all you wanted?  Fair is fair.

She made the decision to be the breadwinner.  Now she will have to do what all breadwinners do, settle up fair and square.  Don't let gender roles confuse you into believing otherwise.

Their isn't as much equity in the house as I would like, so I am hoping for an uptick here over time. I would mot force her to sell so thst my son will have the home he has been used to living in. I left my job so she could be close to family. Don't know if that makes a difference. Finally, we have looked into maintenance. I will not sign anything if I feel I am being screwed.

Nothing much has changed with my situation since I started this thread, tonight is my last night here. I started packing stuff last night and am as ready as I can be to go over to my mothers house after work tomorrow evening. I spoke to her yesterday, she is far from happy to have me at her place, but it's my only option at this point. It's not like I've asked much from her in my 27 years, I've been working since 16 and living on my own since 17, none of that matters now I suppose. It's been a depressing few days, that's for sure.

As for what someone brought up about why I'm moving out; we moved out of our own place back in the summer and now rent the lower half of her parents house. Her father lost his job so our rent money is helping her parents out and we've been paying a lot less than we were in our own place and finally getting our debts paid off, so it's been a win-win situation. Now that all of this has come about, she certainly isn't going anywhere, so that leaves me to hit the road. As far as the possessions go, I sort of feel like I owe it to her to let her have it; I was layed off from work for almost a year and she was the only income.

It's just a bad situation, I'm going to feel very lost for a while.

~Sara

I walked away from my family home with just a couple car loads of gear, and that was mainly books. It was hard saying good bye to everything, a lot of my tools stayed, particulalry gardening equipment.

Mostly I did it for my wife and the kids. The kids needed some stability, so that their home with Frances changed as little as possible, so that they always had that to go back to after staying with me.

Also I felt like it was a new start. Out with the old, construct the life I want. It was nice buying a big new bed to sleep in, new sheets, new table and chairs etc.. (put it all on finance eek), I felt like they were entirely my own, the way I wanted it.  Of course financially I am worse off now. But I was lucky, my dad sold me a house for very cheap and I could use the mortgage to fund my surgery. It is still a struggle moneywise, but then it always has been.

Sara,
Hugs 
Hang in there girl as other have said it will get better in time.
Jillieann

Hi all

I think it was some kind of guiltfeeling when I divorced because I was the one who was going to change and not my ex.
She would not wanted to live with a woman
I leave the house to my ex because I di'n't wanted my son to leave his confidential neighborhood where he had all his friends, school.
I've payed for some time the mortgage till I was unemployed and I just had a small benefit from social securities.
When she met another guy, who was fortunally a very nice guy, they sell the house and used the profit to pay university for my son.
Now he is a grown up with a good education and a good job.
For me there where years in pourness but when I look back I don't regret, cos I did something very right for my kid and we have a wonderfull relationship.

hugs
annette

Day two of being at my mothers place. She's always in bed really early, leaving me alone with my thoughts. Lots of things to talk about and no one to talk to; the only person who knows about all of this stuff besides my therapist and my mom is my girlfriend, as she doesn't want to talk to me right now.... lots of pushing away from her. I honestly didn't expect things to change this much between us, she's always been somewhat supportive, but that all seems to have changed now.

I'm having a pretty rough go of it so far, feeling very lonely.

~Sara

Miss_Anthropic, you might want to drop by chat.  A lots of people drop by.

The chat is quite good, even if you don't say much.

I sometimes go in there to follow the banter of others when I'm feeling really alone and isolated.

They are always really welcoming and accepting in there.

I can understand feeling relieved among the sadness and worry.

it's one HUGE obstacle to get over.....realizing when someone will never change or accept you. Some will over time but it's a long grueling process....props to those that can do that and props to those spouses that do change their minds over time.

I was one of those who did not see that happening with my ex-wife and now we are both happier apart...we still talk sometimes ...she has a bf she will probably marry next year and I'm happy for her

 Miss_Anthropic,  Sorry to hear that things are not going well at the moment. I hope they are looking up soon. Thank you for sharing.

Your Avatar is beautiful by the way.

Juliekins & Julie Marie, you have offered kind and sound advice. I was happy to read your posts. It is really unfair that transgendered people should have to give up so much to be who they are inside. Good for you for sticking up for yourselves and everyone here.

Many Hugs!

Mrs Erocse

Quote from: Jerica on December 02, 2010, 12:49:58 PM
I can understand feeling relieved among the sadness and worry.

it's one HUGE obstacle to get over.....realizing when someone will never change or accept you. Some will over time but it's a long grueling process....props to those that can do that and props to those spouses that do change their minds over time.

I was one of those who did not see that happening with my ex-wife and now we are both happier apart...we still talk sometimes ...she has a bf she will probably marry next year and I'm happy for her

I can't say she will never change and accept me, but I do worry about losing her a lot. I stopped by her place tonight and we got dinner and hung out for a few hours and thing were great. I called her when I got home because I had forgot something and she wasn't so happy to hear from me, it's a confusing situation. She says she wants to be together but says she wants her space, I can understand, but it seems like we bounce from one extreme to another virtually instantly.

We're also both growing a lot as people, so I suppose we're both relearing who each other is; I know this situation is likely for the best, that's what the rational part of my mind keeps telling me anyway, but at the same time I love her so much and it's had for me to handle that love not being reciprocated to the same degree it used to be. I almost feel like I'm being punished for being myself sometimes, she says that's not the case but I think it factors in for sure.

Quote from: Mrs Erocse on December 02, 2010, 09:49:16 PM
Miss_Anthropic,  Sorry to hear that things are not going well at the moment. I hope they are looking up soon. Thank you for sharing.

Your Avatar is beautiful by the way.

Juliekins & Julie Marie, you have offered kind and sound advice. I was happy to read your posts. It is really unfair that transgendered people should have to give up so much to be who they are inside. Good for you for sticking up for yourselves and everyone here.

Many Hugs!

Mrs Erocse

Thanks for the kind thoughts. Things are looking up, I finally think I've found an endo to work with, calling tomorrow for an appt. so HRT should begin soon, yay! It's starting to feel like all the sacrifice is begining to be worth it.

Thanks for the comment on the avatar. It used to be my favorite pic of me, but not so much lately; hating my chin and tall forehead more and more 

Hi Anthro

So, hrt can start soon.
you'll will be even more beautifull than you are allready.
Sure, when somebody you love, turns her back to you it's painfull but in a few months you're the happiest person there is.
you're a bit sad now I can understand, but it's a phase, believe me, you'll meet other people who'll love you the way you are...a beautifull nice woman.

come on girl
go for it
you will have a lot of support around here.
love
annette