So, my boyfriend is disproving my manliness at the moment. It's annoying me. Seriously.
What do I tell him? He says that more physical violence is the key to being a man, and stuff like that.
How do I counter such attacks?

I am totally interested in the results...currently my wife is the same

The biggest anti violence people I can think of are guys. Like Gandhi.

Wow a man that doesn't think having a huge penis is the key to being a man.     Okay not what you meant.

I would explain to him that you are a man, a modern man.  Not a CAVEman.  You are part of the enlighten age and you believe in gentility, kindness, and being an benefit to others.  Not pounding things with your fists.   

Not all men are violent ->-bleeped-<-s and not all women are soft, fragile things. It's not his place to direct what kinda man you're gonna be. You're aiming to be the man you are, nothing more and nothing less. IMHO if he doesn't "approve" then he can jog on.

Join a Karate class and learn to just be zen. .... and if he messes with your zen wax the floor with him.   
j/k

Idiot boy is an idiot. What more can you say?

Answer: Boot to the head. 

His reasoning is like this: "I'm a straight man, so therefor you must be a girl."

It stings. It really hurts when he says stuff like that. He's been saying that the whole trans thing is all in my head, too.

I don't know what to do, I lost myself yesterday. Started yelling, cussing, things like that.

I really don't know what to do. I mean, I wanna grow up into a man, but I don't want to hurt my bf.

Honestly, in this situation I think you're better of on your own than with him. He's a negative influence on you and your identity. He wants to be with a woman, you don't identify as such. One of you has to sway on this in order for it to work. Do you really see your bf able to embrace you for who you are and accept that he may be perceived as a gay man by remaining with you? If not, this relationship + transition is not likely to work out.

Hate to say it man because if you're still with him then you obviously like him but Osiris is right. He sounds like he's not understanding and is against your transition. Some guys are with trans guys and just don't label themselves gay but if he thinks you need to be a girl and your not then you're better off finding someone who loves you for you, no matter what that makes them.

If I leave him, he'll most likely kill himself. He says that I am his only reason to still live (he's battling depression, PTSD, OCPD and Asperger's). I just want to be me, and, well, I might get my referral letter (to a therapist) soon. I'm nowhere near actual transitioning.

I... dammit, I have no idea what to do. It's just that I'm not a macho kind of man. I might be a bit feminine, but does that mean that I'm a woman? He also says that I was successful as a woman, and joked about my period (which I'm currently on; I think that was what caused me to start yelling at him and all that stuff).

I really don't know what to do. I love him, but I don't want to be a woman.

You can't stay in a harmful relationship because someone is dependent on you, especially because over time if this person doesn't learn to rely on themself they will get worse and worse, and your ability to hold this person up while sacrificing yourself and your needs will ultimately fail you.

You have to find the balance. No I'm not saying, he's not supporting you so screw him and kick him to the curb. But you have to find a way to do what's right for you regardless of what he desires to have from you. You have to realize how easily this can become emotional blackmail: You don't want to be a woman, he wants to be with a woman, he needs you, you can't leave him because he'll harm himself, but he can't be with you as a man because he wants you to be a woman. See what I'm saying?

If this situation doesn't come up now it may in the future and you may ultimately need to make the choice, is it going to be transition or is it going to be keeping this relationship going for the sake of your bf.

I would have been pissed too.  It's not his place to tell you who you are, and it's not yours to be his sole pillar of support.  I hate to say it, but I'm going to go ahead and guess you are not a certified psychiatrist or doctor.  It is extremely difficult for those who aren't to help people who really need it.  I think the best thing you can do for him is to help him find the support he really needs and then get some distance.  It'll help you both focus on what you need.
Best of luck to you man

Ahh yes I forgot to put that in my post: What your boyfriend really needs is a therapist, relationships no matter how stable aren't going to solve ones problems with depression/stress/aspergers/etc.

Quote from: PixieBoy on December 02, 2010, 12:28:40 AM
If I leave him, he'll most likely kill himself. He says that I am his only reason to still live (he's battling depression, PTSD, OCPD and Asperger's). I just want to be me, and, well, I might get my referral letter (to a therapist) soon. I'm nowhere near actual transitioning.

I... dammit, I have no idea what to do. It's just that I'm not a macho kind of man. I might be a bit feminine, but does that mean that I'm a woman? He also says that I was successful as a woman, and joked about my period (which I'm currently on; I think that was what caused me to start yelling at him and all that stuff).

I really don't know what to do. I love him, but I don't want to be a woman.

I've been in a similar situation. I broke up with them over 7 months ago and they haven't killed themselves. I wish I had of broken up with them sooner. I know  they have been seeing a therapist and a physiatrist. They sent me a text the other day saying how they still love me. Try to get him to seek professional help. You have to do what makes you happy. It's not wrong to put yourself first. Not leaving him is opening yourself up to emotional abuse. If they kill themselves its not your fault. If he really loves you he would want you to be happy, even if it's not with him.

He doesn't trust psychiatrists and the like, he says that they've made him do things that has made his family terribly disappointed in him. His parents are very religious Indians (from India), so they've raised him very, VERY strictly. He isn't allowed to talk to girls, even. I think that maybe this is why he's a bit weird like that.

He tends to say things like "Oh, if you'd seen what I've seen, then you wouldn't act the way you do". He really, really hates my chosen name as well, since it reminds him of his past (he got his PTSD due to horrendous bullying, and one of the worst of the bunch was named Elias).

I don't know what I do wrong, but it seems like it is a LOT. He doesn't talk to me today. Maybe he's left me.

I have no idea anymore, I feel so... messed-up, like I've really managed to mess things up this time.

Try not to blame yourself. You are entitled to do what makes you happy. If he doesn't what to go to a psychiatrist, maybe he would benefit from talking to others who have PTSD. Even if its just online. I really don't know what else to say, but I wish you the best and hope things turn for the better soon.

Did you come out to him recently? A lot of people who have trouble accepting or understanding the condition seem to go straight to "No way because you're *whatever* like a *wo/man*" or "You can't be a *wo/man* because you like *thing*". They're just incredulous and can't/don't want to "get it" and want to shove you back in the binary box because it makes them uncomfortable.
Maybe he's insecure about his sexuality- tell him to read up on the kinsey scale! Alternately, he might be realizing he's gay and mad about it, straight girls have dated me and I've never in my life passed for male, and one of them got *really upset* about "being a lesbian" and wanted to make a huge fuss about it and come out to everyone. (and good thing she didn't- she's straight, she's never dated a woman! She would have looked like a fool!) Maybe he was all like "whew finally I like a woman" but then "Honey I am transsex" and he's all like "self, I am disappoint" (sorry I love memes)

DO NOT LET SOMEONE ELSE DECIDE WHETHER YOU TRANSITION OR NOT. Tell him that if he thinks he can tell you who you are and what you feel, he can hit the highway.

Edit: Oh, he's an Aspie? SO WHAT? Lots of people have Aspergers and don't need to hurt other people to live their lives. If anyone has to "man up", it's asspie there.

Quote from: PixieBoy on December 01, 2010, 02:20:48 PMHe says that more physical violence is the key to being a man, and stuff like that.  How do I counter such attacks?

My honest answer is to break up with him immediately.  If he truly believes that, there's no point in dragging this out for a couple of years.  Unless he's actively in intensive treatment for his suicidal feelings, you're not doing him any favors by staying either.

If he is going to be a constant roadblock to transition because of his internal stereotypes about men (and possibly his sexuality), your relationship is not going to work out.  As someone with PTSD, I also think that the name thing could be a good minor conflict.  I used to be very biased against women named "Julie" but now one of my closest friends is a Julie.  That never would have happened if I didn't have to be around her (friend of my GF).

Right now he needs to figure out what he truly wants and how much he wants your relationship to continue.  But you can't force his hand and you can't bend to his will in this instance.  You must come first in this.

EDIT: Most people with AS spend their whole adult lives trying to fix their negative behaviors and spend lots of extra time working towards being an average member of society.  There are a small number who use it for sympathy and just act like jerks to everyone constantly.  So no sympathy for him just because he has to conform to social mores. 

I have AS as well. I think that maybe he's just adjusting, since I've come out to him recently. I've tried to make him call me he  more often, but I doubt it will work. I just want to be happy, and I wnat him to be happy.

I dislike feelings and such, I wish I could view this completely objectively. But I cannot.