A lot of guys talk about having issues during sex and I guess I relate to that but it never really clicked. *killing my masculinity and going into the awkward part* Sex was alright with my partner but I always wanted my clothes on immediately afterward, I often stopped things in the middle, and I cried after. I could never really figure out why but it hurt, not physically. As you can imagine for years she was understanding but eventually it reached a point where she was sick of the tears. I couldn't blame her because I was sick of it too. I'm single now, have been for a while not because of that reason but I do want to try to work through these things before I meet my future partner so...

Is this common? If it happened to you, how did you work through it?

I  hated sex...my partner and I would go weeks without sex.  I often felt sick afterwards and wouldn't look in the mirrors for days.

Then when I finally admitted to myself that I was trans ... something clicked ... and we changed some stuff up in the bedroom and now I love it!  I can't get enough of it.   We started first with me wearing my binder ... it was much better than before.  Then we bought a strap on for me ... and I cried after the first time I used it.  Finally, sex felt "right" ... and it felt good.  Now my partner and I have a very healthy sex life.  I get enough stimulation from the strap on that I reach an orgasm every time.

Micheal,

   I will share this with you, because I think you are a very nice person and although we are different there  allot of similar situations that we have gone through.

   Mrs Erocse and I will be married 29 years this January.  Before Mrs Erocse, I had one attempt at having sex but that was all, just an attempt. She was truly my first. Although it took three months before we actually consummated the marriage (emotionally I just could get it together). Eventually we were able to have sex on a semi regular basis although it was nothing like I imagine other married couples had. After sex I always felt bad, guilty, ashamed. Even after I was more open about my transgender feelings. I still felt this way. After sex I  felt ashamed and had to immediately take the cloths off that I was wearing.

    It was after I became completely honest with myself and my wife and I started to do something about it (hrt).Sex started to become fun. And something I looked forward to. And although because of the lower sex drive due to hrt I find myself much more attracted to Mrs Erocse more then ever before. This has made our relationship very complete.

  I know that the journey you are on well get easier. You will find someone to share this with .The more you feel proud of who you are there will be no need to feel ashamed of who you are not. . As time goes on you too will have this confidence . 

  Big hugs, Erocse

Thank you so much, to both of you 

Rob: Thank you for sharing what worked for you I think once I find a job that will be one of the first things I look at. Something in the order of STP or a new packer, a harness, and then a strap on of some sort. Maybe eventually a like real. My ex offered to buy me one and let me use it on her but I got uncomfortable with the idea. Does the harness bother you? Or do you not even notice it?

Erocse: You and your wife have become older sisters to me and I appreciate the advice you give. Thank you for posting this because it goes along with what I have told my friends. A friend of mine keeps trying to set me up and I tell her every time, not yet. I'm not me yet and I don't love myself. How can I love someone else if I don't love and feel right about myself? She usually just rolls her eyes but I'm glad that worked for you, I'm hoping I will have a similar effect with T.

There has been lots of discussion about harnesses and what works best.

Personally, I have leather barely there harness.  It is very comfortable and I do not notice it at all during sex.  The dildo I have is very realistic..my wife picked it out.  It's a vixen.   I would love to have my own equipment but for the moment that is the closest I get and it feels good.  So, I wear a binder & a harness ... and when my wife runs her hands on my chest it feels good since they are bound...before when someone touched my bare chest it would put a bit knot in my stomach.  I rarely reached orgasm ... so learned how to fake it. 

I just had a bad episode last night. Sex was going well then I just lost it. I fell into a bawling fit of snot and tears. Not pretty.
Part and parcel of being trans for me it seems. So you are not unique in this issue.
Personaly I try and recover and go back at it if I can maintain my headspace.

Hey, wow can I relate to this topic! Seems like most people on here have at least tried their erm...birth sex? I dunno how better to put it, but playing the role their body set out for them. I personally can't even contemplate that, to do so makes me feel sick to my stomach! I have a partner now though,  and he's amazingly understanding. Whenever we do anything I keep all of my clothes on, and although it makes both of us a little sad that he can't reciprocate, all up we feel a lot better, because I'm not alienating myself, and he knows I'm having fun.

Soon we plan to buy a harness and dildo, which I will be wearing over boxers. It's not ideal, but it makes me really enjoy sex, and I suppose that's what matters And just a little note, I think that as soon as YOU know who you are, regardless of what you look like, there is still a chance that you can find the right person to take you as is My partner knew everything about me before we got together, and I haven't taken any hormones or anything, just a binder, and he still calls me 'he' and uses my new name.

So don't give up hope!

Actualy I was being toped last night. I wasnt even ussing my birth parts.

Thanks Max That's great that your partner is so accepting. I used my birth parts out of having nothing else sadly. Having my binder on did sometimes help.

Cynthialee: I'm sorry that happened Getting right back up on the horse so to speak I guess. I usually would recover within twenty or thirty minutes but by the time I did both of us felt like the moment was gone

It's not that bad for me, but I can't see my own body during sex or I get really turned off, can't finish and sometimes start crying (I didn't used to know why), so I try to wear *something* (usually something that covers the upper body and tops of my thighs so I don't see my chest or the penetration) or spring for "doggy style". I've managed to work around it enough that my husband and I have sex very frequently (when he's not deployed anyway) and it's good and I rarely ever get upset. (and I usually orgasm, in fact it's really not difficult to get one under the right circumstances lol)

Being on top helps, especially if I'm covered, so I can focus on *him* and it feels more right that way.

That's only me though I'm kinda strange LOL.

When I was living with a boyfriend, we had quite a lot of sex, and I was the one initiating almost all of it.  Kind of a "keep trying and eventually you'll get it right" thing, I guess.  Poor guy probably got to the point where it was just lie back and think of England while I rode him, since I wanted it more often.  It never got "right" no matter how much I tried, though.  Thought it was just "right parts, but defective", rather than "wrong parts entirely".  Never was able to get him to bottom for me, that might have made me clue in sooner if I had.  And I did try a few other partners, the normal female way, so it wasn't just that he didn't know what he was doing.  I think it's safe to say I have enough experience to know that I Just Don't Like It That Way, Thanks.

"Vanilla", for me in the past, was woman on top.  Missionary and doggy style were both rather unusual.  Just wish I'd had a binder then to keep things from moving around - I absolutely *hated* that.  Being on top just always seemed more normal and natural, for me, despite being equipped with a slot when there should be a tab.

But at the moment, it's...not exactly an issue.  I wouldn't even know how to pick someone up, or even who to try, not being on T and presenting as a somewhat androgynous female, being attracted to guys...and being a top.  I guess I need very open minded bisexual guys that aren't just in it for the weird factor.

i'm working on that one myself.

Unfortunately for me I think it'd be a trial and error process.  But without being sure I don't want to even try.... but if I don't try I can't know for sure.

Some interesting ideas here.  It's something that I just...don't do.  My body doesn't bother me too much on a day-to-day basis, but the thought of being with someone with anything other than a normal, male body is just...yeah.  I'll have to try some of these things out next time I'm in a relationship.

I've gotten some points of being intimate (not exactly sex) where I've tensed/freaked out. It has only happened when my partner spoke about my body in a more female way. An example I could remember was when a former partner grabbed my chest and said "I'm gonna miss these" (in reference to me eventually getting top surgery). When my dick is called a dick, my chest is called a chest and it's all treated that way any sort of emotional discomfort vanishes.

Thanks for the replies everyone I feel less odd now. I'd go into specific detail but I really can't focus right now.

Nygeel thanks for sharing your experience   My ex eventually did use all male terms and learned not to touch my chest. Sadly it didn't work

I deal with it by not having sex.  Yes, it sucks (or not, in this case  )  In addition to the dysphoria, there's also the problem of just not being attracted to anyone and the fact that I'm a bit grossed out by the whole "exchanging body fluids" thing.  I don't even like shaking hands or drinking after someone else.  Which is all unfortunate because I actually do have a sex drive.

I am married to the love of my life. Not having sex is NOT an option.

Quote from: cynthialee on December 03, 2010, 08:53:54 AM
I am married to the love of my life. Not having sex is NOT an option.

I hear ya.  If I had a partner, I'd definitely do what I could to work around the whole issue.

It's not easy for me to find people I fall for.  I'd rather have a partner, though, despite the difficulties involved.

Now that I can actually focus (thanks to having gotten sleep)

Aegir: Thanks for posting man. Like you I prefer a more clothes on approach because I have issues with my body due to an insane amount of weight gain plus the other issues

Kareil I think there is a person out there somewhere for everyone. Thanks for sharing man. I guess that's just another thing thrown in is first finding someone that has no problem with the trans thing. I don't often stop to think how lucky I was to have had someone who worked around it all.

Gnomekid: I hope we both can work through it. That is kinda a tough situation. I really think everyone is onto something when it comes to being comfortable with yourself in all the other day to day stuff can help you be more comfortable with yourself during sex. I have a couple friends who report being more okay with it all after starting hormones, maybe that'll be the case.

Lee: Glad maybe the thread helped ya a little

Jmax: I'm not a big sex person anyways so I'm with you when it comes to the just not having sex for now. Once I get to that point I think everyones responses will help a little

Cynthialee: Yeah, that never was a good option when my ex and I were together either so I understand 

I'm kinda the odd one on this, but few things about sex bother me. I prefer sex with my shirt on and dislike having my chest seen or touched, but as for the act itself? It feels good and doesn't make me uncomfortable. What I don't like is being treated like I'm a woman during sex, which my partner is good at not making me feel that way.