Guys (and girls if you're reading), I have a serious problem.

I think I'm very close to being suicidal.

I've been 'sucidal' before. Or at least what I thought was at the time. In the years between when i was 7-16.
I suppose, since i never killed myself (obviously), i guess i never had the balls. But now, it's different. The feeling is different. From going from feeling (then) like it's what I had to do to make everything right (very simplified statement), to now, where i feel like there's never going to be a fix for me (simplified again).
It's not like I WANT to die, it's like there is NO FIX. There's never going to be a resolution. There's nothing that's going to make my life OK.
This is just.... Checkmate...

I'm not asking for attention. I just know a lot of trans people go through these stages, and I want to know how to convince myself to get past this. Because I really want to I know I want (and need) to go through hormone treatment, but i have serious issues with seeing psychs. I've seen them a lot in my childhood, and had problems with each one. Plus, I can't afford a high end psych.

I'm just, I dunno...

P.S

The reason I was seeing a psych were anxiety and depression.

Okay, I want you to take a second, and breathe. Rather than thinking about past feelings of suicide and saying you just didn't have the balls, think about it in terms of things ended up getting better enough so that you could cope.

I know you're feeling like there's not a single option in the world, but right now, if you can, call someone you trust and love and just, talk with them. If you don't feel like you have anyone like that available, please, search up a helpline number and call them!

If you're not comfortable on phones, there are many chatrooms, even here I believe (I haven't checked these chat rooms), that have people available in emergency situations for you to talk to.

I know you've said your sceptical of therapists, but in this situation, having one is essential. Do some research online to find trans friendly gender therapists (find the one's with positive reviews) and schedule an appointment. I know it can be expensive but there are a lot of financing options depending on where you live.

It may seem like a lot, but you need to be able to take that first step for things to get better

Just wanted to say I know where you're coming from man. And even though it doesn't seem like it right now, things will get better. Try to focus on the things you can do right now to help your transition. I like February's idea of an online therapist, that might be easier for you since you have issues with psych's in person. The money factor shouldn't be a cost, as I know a lot of therapists work on a sliding scale and will work with you regarding payment options and such. Try to look on the bright side man. Things will start looking up. We're here for you!

I can send you the link of a site that has reputable gender therapists that work on line and have good prices and offer discounts in certain situations. Drop me a PM sometime and I'll send you the link and info.

are you guys in australia? because the only gender therapists i know here charge $140 a session =(

Canada, but that online one is cheaper...let me check the international info and I'll get back to you in a PM

In this world with filled with mixed information on all sides. There are contraversial views of life at every angle. Take the time to acknowledge you are a good person to yourself. Acknowledge the things you do best. Acknowledge the things you love about yourself. Acknowledge your dreams and goals. Allow yourself to love who you are. Sit back, relax and embrace you. This is important to a good life. Give yourself good things. You deserve to feel good about being you.

Hugs!!!

Mrs Erocse

Xander, take it half an hour at a time.

When the suicidal feeling comes over you, tell yourself that it won't make any difference if you wait half an hour. Then do it again. And again.

I got through a lot of years half an hour at a time.

Hey Xander,

I've been there. If it weren't for a friend of mine I might not even be HERE right now. My situation was a little different. I had been on Xanax, which stopped working really, but I kept taking that and then added in alcohol and the occasional illegal drug. The day my friend found me in my room with a gun was probably the all time low point of my whole life. She convinced me that people loved me and that life was worth living. No one really knows what lies beyond this life - people have their beliefs - but it's pretty certain it's nothing like this physical world. And there's a lot of good things about this physical world. I had to cling to the good things as if I was holding on to a rope high up in the air. If I forgot about the good things, I'd fall. I went cold turkey off the pills and booze. THAT was crazy. But you know, I made it through it and proved to myself that if I could do that, I could do anything really that I set my mind to.

I also struggled with anxiety for many years. I had gotten to the point where even a simple thing like going to the grocery store had become cause for panic. I would go and literally leave a whole basket in the aisle and run out! Once, in the middle of an anxiety attack while sitting on the steps of my apartment one of my friends came by and sat down next to me and said this, "You known, somewhere out in the universe right now there's a star going supernova." and then he got up and walked away! I just sat there repeating that in my mind over and over again and then asked myself what the f--k am I anxious about right now? Whatever it is - it's not a supernova. Things I thought were HUGE problems became more manageable.

I also haven't had the best experiences with psychologists in my life. Something can happen in a person's mind when someone of supposed "authority" tells them there's something wrong with them - that they have a disorder. That really damaged me. When I was a teenager, there was nothing available like HRT. I was just told I had a disorder and that I'd never be what I "thought" I was - and that me even thinking I was male instead of female was delusional. A few years past and I remained depressed and saw another psychologist while in college. That's when the pills and the booze happened. So there's pretty good evidence in my case of how just that diagnosis drove me to eventually put a gun to my head.

I know this is getting kind of lengthy but I'll try to wrap it up. Sometimes I will tell personal aspects of my past like this because it serves as an example of how a person who stood on the brink and almost stepped over into the abyss can turn around and start walking another path.

For me, once I got my head clear from pills and alcohol and I went to see an nutritionist I really started to just physically feel better than I'd felt in years. The nutritionist actually opened my eyes to the possibility that food can have an effect on depression and anxiety. With her help, I cut out fast food/take out, tons of processed junk foods, and sugar and sure enough the anxiety started to disappear. I also saw a Chinese herbalist and acupuncturist who helped me out too. I really believe that food can play a big part in mood - perhaps not as big a part as it played for me (everyone is unique) but it really made a difference. I haven't had an anxiety attack in years.

I also reject that I have a "disorder". There's nothing wrong with my head - this is the way I was born and it's always been like this from my earliest childhood memories. The real "magic bullet" for me was just being able to fully accept myself and the way I am. I still have the occasional day where, for whatever reason, it gets to me that my body can't be exactly how I want it, but for the most part I'm pretty okay now. For me, HRT didn't work out (long story short, I already have a high level of T and more T just made me an animal!) and I'm not into surgery, but I'm still happy. Every day I look forward to just waking up and experiencing life. I feel like I kind of got a second chance all those years ago and I really want to make the most of it now.

Anyway, if you ever feel the need to talk to someone, feel free to PM me.

Hey there Xander,

I sent you a private message but not sure if it went through. I'm from Australia also. Which part are you from by the way?

I've been in a similar place before, where there seemed like there would be no fix. I've been suicidal. What Mrs Erosce said is good advice. Acknowledge the positive things in your life. Think of memories of when you were happy and know that you can have that happiness again. Good things you've accomplished mean you can have accomplishments again, you still contain your talents. Anything you've done that's gone poorly is a situation you can learn from, you can change any negative aspects of yourself. It might not seem it, but it is possible.

Continue day to day if you must, keep waiting an hour longer, day longer. Find something you can really believe in, something that you can repeat to yourself that rings true. For me - I couldn't say I believed that I could make things better because I thought I would always mess up, and I didn't believe things would magically get better. But I believed in my stubbornness, and I believed that the stubbornness would carry me through insanely challenging situations just because I wouldn't give up. And I wasn't going to betray the gift of being stubborn by giving up on my life.

Try to get a therapist. Talk to them on the phone first so you get a feel for them, see if you think you can trust them. I had trust issues with therapists, especially after my first experience was negative. But I finally found one who was reassuringly calm and understanding, and I decided I could be honest with him.

Between the ages of 12 and 15 I had no hope for a future, I knew I was a boy but didn't know I could transition. I hated myself, thought I was ridiculously messed up. I isolated myself socially, tried to force myself to be as cold as possible so I wouldn't get hurt. I've been on and off suicidal since 12, this last year was really bad at times. But it was me being stubborn that let me survive. And believing in my brain, if not in my emotions or social relations. I just kept refusing to give up entirely... that's how I avoided suicide.

PM me if you want to talk. I don't know how much help I can give, but I did get out of that hopeless place. And when I was there I know it certainly helped me to hear about people who had succeeded in escaping it.

I've been there. When I feel like I will never be happy or the person I want to be,  I remind myself that if I kill myself then I really will never achieve what I want.

There is help out there Xander. Lots of us here have been in the same situation, it will just take time, although that is difficult when you are feeling impatient.

You didn't specify which State you are in, I am in Victoria.

Depending on where you are, there are gender therapists at Monash Gender Dysphoria Clinic in Melbourne . It is near the Mordialloc rail station so is fairly accessible if you need public transport.  They can also do payments through Medicare so you are not out of pocket.

I was there a few years ago.  It felt like I had ruined my life and that, no matter what I did, I would never end up doing anything or being anyone who would would be happy or deserve to live.  What really kept me from it was the thought of how much I would hurt my family/friends if I went through with it, and I just couldn't do that to them.  I think the main thing that pulled me out of it was dancing.  I know other people in the same situation who took up running or something similar.  It was one of the few things that I could convince myself to go out for, and it was something that I could use to lose touch with reality, as I can exhaust myself and feel...unattached to my body while dancing, for lack of a better way to put it.  Now it has, I guess literally, become my life.  I know it sucks, but if you can find something physical to dedicate yourself to, it can really help.  Things do get better, I promise.