Hi Carly

welcome to the forum.
well, i've been thinking and came to the conclusion that no one can say your a tg or not.
How could we make that judgement when a shrink specialized in gender issues need some time for it to find out, and he or she is educated for it.
I should say, find a therapist and try to find out what you are and how to handle with it.
If you're a tg...fine you can do something with it.
If you're a CD with sexual fantasies about it and you're happy with it....also fine.
that's the only thing that's matter, if you can be happy the way you are or not
But without professional help, I don't think you will find out.
sorry i can't say anything better for you

hug
annette

Hi Carly

Thank you for sharing your story, I would imagine it was not easy discussing your most private, personal thoughts and feelings in such an open public way.

Let me ask you one question and you must answer this question straight away without any hesitation.  Ready?  Do you want to be a woman?

If your answer is what I think it is then your situation is easily explained.  Humans and similar life forms, reproduce sexually.  We, like all other sexual creatures, are subject to instinctive sexual desire triggered by appropriate criteria.  In addition we are intelligent beings, which makes the human body and mind an incredibly complex sentient being.  To which we are constantly subject to physical, social, cultural and desires.  Which results in us being unique individual beings.

In other words what you are doing is just normal behaviour in the context of your situation and any psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist that says other wise, I would run to the other side of the universe.  Why? because sexual pleasure is part of the human physic, whether it is done with a partner or by yourself.  The amount of sexual pleasure that one needs varies from human to human and the circumstances that we find ourselves in.

Does it matter how you answered the question I asked you above?  No.  Does it matter how I think you answered that question? No, it does not.  You are entitled (for the want of a better word) to have sexual pleasure, with whatever images, implements or surroundings you wish to use.  Why?  You are a human being first and foremost and what you do in the privacy of your home is up to you and you alone.  Having said that, should your activities interfere to such an extent that they impact on you functioning normally then you should seek some help.

You did ask for opinions and thoughts on the matter you mentioned and my personal opinion is, I think you answered yes to, do you want to be a woman?  So what you do, is what thousands of other women do every day.  So why do I think you said yes?  It's because I sense this from what you have written and what you intend to do.  Do what my uncle once said to me and that is to go out and live life as a woman.  So go out on New Years Eve and enjoy the evening as a woman.

Take care and all the best for the future.

Kind regards
Sarah B

Sarah,

Thank you for your lengthy response.  Wow.  I'm seriously overwhelmed by how nice and supportive everyone is on these boards.

Here's the thing: i'm not sure that my immediate answer is "I want to be female."  The reason why I say that is because:
a) I don't see myself growing older as a female (although I don't see myself older as a male either)
b) when I look at other women...i don't really admire them or wish i could be them
c) when I think about being a woman, I almost would rather not be around other GG's.  I'd rather only be around other TS's.
d) my interest in being a woman mostly has to do with being able to date and be with a man romantically. 

So, yes, it's extremely difficult for me and something i struggle with on a daily basis.

Hi Carly

You are most welcome.  If you are not sure, that's ok and people around here at Susan's will support you no matter how you feel or what your decision is in regards to your gender.

I will answer the reasons you wrote down from my perspective

a)  Even I do not see myself getting old as a female, I just see myself as just getting old as me.  However it does not matter even if I end up looking like an old hag at least I will be female.  You have already said you 'do not see yourself getting old as either male or female so this reason really becomes a moot point.

b)  Well I admire some some men and women and I don't like some men and women.  The most important thing is to be yourself or better still have a look at my signature, which basically says it all!

c) One of our fundamental rights as human beings is to associate with who we want to.  So I will support and respect you in your choice.  In my private live I do not associate with the community, however after being in the woodwork for 22 years, at least I'm able to contribute to the community in a way that I feel comfortable with.

d)  I never was sexually active before I changed and I never was gay at the time.  Yes, I did consider or maybe worry what my sexual orientation would be.  However, 22 years later I have no doubts about it and I'm just a normal heterosexual woman.

So take each day as it comes and do what you makes you feel most comfortable and maybe just like me accept it with out questioning it.  I just accepted what ever I did, did not tell anyone and as a result I never had the confusion or dysphoric feelings that others tend to get.

You can send me a personal message if you want to.  Take care and have fun New Year Eves if you do decide to go, let us know how it went?

Kindest regards
Sarah B

To be honest,  ->-bleeped-<- was one of my earliest manifestations of my dysphoria.  The thought of being a woman was so exciting that it would... excite the male parts as well.  This led to a desire to masturbate.  I used to not touch my genitals when I masturbated.  From the first time I had experienced arousal, I had always used a series of muscle contortions throughout the body to get myself off.  I didn't really know about "spanking the monkey" until I heard the guys talking about it in high school.  It had never occurred to me to beat the meat, as I had never felt there was any reason for doing something like that.

I eventually wore myself out so much with overmasturbation that only the post-orgasm euphoria was left.  In this state of calmness, I wanted to be female even moreso.  With the erection gone, there was nothing to distract my mind from what it really wanted.

Maybe this information helps.  I dunno.

Quote from: Carly on July 12, 2010, 02:38:48 PM
However, every time I dressed up, there as always something tight around my waist and I would squeeze my legs together and, although I didn't know it at the time, I was creating an orgasm. All I knew was that it felt amazing, like nothing I had ever felt before, and I became addicted.
...

all of my fantasies regarding my gender are always sexual. There is never a time when I just daydream without it being sexual. Now, when I say that, I don't mean that they always involve another person. My fantasies could simply be about starting hormones or laying on a beach in a bikini or just having breasts. All of those things could turn me on
...

it's not just a sexual thrill from the clothes. My fantasies rarely revolve around the clothing itself. It's more about the lifestyle and the image. When I am intimate, most times I'm not able to end the situation unless I think of myself as a woman. I don't need to be dressed up to fulfill the fantasy.
...
I just don't know if that means it's a fetish or more.

It tends to happen more and be more serious when I'm depressed. I feel the need to escape much more often. Dare I say it's compulsive.

Hi Carly,

Welcome to the forum.

I have copied the snippets from your posts as these are the snippets I think are relevant to what I am writing below.

First, I must say that I related a lot to what you are saying above especially the things you mentioned from age 6-7 through 10. Around age 6, I started feeling sexually aroused and orgasming imagining myself to be female. It was not about the clothes. It was about the imagination that I was female. The clothes did help, more so later on when it became harder to see the female in the mirror. I did not need to imagine a partner. All that mattered to my sexual fantasies was that I was female. And to this date, it has been hard to completely untangle my sexuality from my gender.

I too have wondered if it was just a fetish, an addiction, a compulsion, an obsession, etc. However, I do recall the pre-age-6 period during which I did feel that I should have been a girl. That is the evidence I use to justify to myself that there is more to my gender than the sexuality-based fantasies. And although the gender of my partner does not matter to my orgasms today, I seem to be aroused by women only.

Perhaps you could take a few steps back, focus on some non-sexual non-gender-specific interests and passions you may have, for a while. It will help you see things better. A therapist could help you too, but a therapist can primarily help you notice what you already know about yourself but did not notice. You need to know more about yourself. That is the tough part. And it takes time. A therapist can also help a bit with this by helping you focus and learn about yourself.

As for your questions about whether you are autogynaephilic or transexual or anything else, it would do you a lot of good to ignore categories. There aren't sufficient categories in our human languages to encompass the diversity of human beings. Instead of trying to fit in with or belong to a category, you could benefit from starting to accept yourself just the way you are.

In simple words, there is nothing wrong with you. Even if you are transexual or a fetishist or an autogynaephiliac, you are not exactly "suffering", because these are not diseases. So please let go of the thought that there is something wrong with you. What you have is perfectly normal. You are you. You might want to focus on building more self-esteem and gaining more self-acceptance.

Once you get to that point of self-acceptance, you will find a lot more peace. Until you get there, please do nothing. Do not start on hormones until you get there. And do not go too much further than you absolutely need to. Just because you figure out you are transexual, you do not have to transition right away. Just because you figure out that you need to transition, you do not have to go all the way.

You do not have to transition in order to find a male partner. You could probably be gay, not trans, and you may not have found a male partner who is right for you yet. It does take a long time for most people to find the right match. It is hard, but most people go through these dating difficulties.

Until you can find better answers, try to accept yourself. Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. You do not have to feel dirty or ashamed about it or about any part of your body. Fantasies are great too and indicate that you have good imagination. Being addicted may be an issue, but you could find another interest and hobby to distract yourself. Fetishes are okay too, and most people have some. And as long as your compulsion or obsession do not hurt yourself or another person, they could be managed too with minor behavioral changes. These are topics which a qualified therapist would discuss with you. And if you want to share, you could do so on susans too. 

Hope this helps.

Quote from: marissak on December 29, 2010, 09:50:15 PM
I did not need to imagine a partner. All that mattered to my sexual fantasies was that I was female.

Same thing here.  When I did imagine a partner, it was a male.  But most of the time my sexual fantasies involved me stimulating myself (but being female in the fantasy)

Quote from: VeryGnawty on December 30, 2010, 12:13:26 AM
Same thing here.  When I did imagine a partner, it was a male.  But most of the time my sexual fantasies involved me stimulating myself (but being female in the fantasy)

And have you transitioned?  or started to?