So much has changed for me over the past year.  Quite a few good things have happened, starting my transition, being seen more as a male, growing in health and physical strength and my kids growing and developing is always wonderful.

The thing is plenty of bad has happened as well. My parents are not speaking to me, my brother wants nothing to do with me, the vast majority of my extended family thinks I'm a freak.  I've lost friends not just because of the transition but because we have grown apart.  I have limited chances to go out and make new ones.  Usually I'm stuck in this house with the walls closing in on me.

I am very broke and I don't know how I will be able to afford what I need for this transition.  Just changing my name is $550 and will take a minimum of two months even after I file.  There needs to be an ad in the paper for 6 weeks and I need to wait for a court date.  I'm so depressed that hasn't been done yet.  Walking around with the wrong ID in my pocket with a picture that doesn't even look like me is painful.  I've walked out of stores before because I refuse to show it with my credit card when they require it.  Going to clubs is freaking difficult every single time.  I want to be able to show people I am male with my ID not have to hide and lie that I don't have it. 

Convincing my partner to give me the money to change my name was a battle to the death around here.  I choose to be home with the baby and the boys because I want them to have little stress as possible through all of this.  I don't allow him control but every penny is difficult to wrestle out of his hands.  He actually makes a fairly decent salary but he wants a certain amount in savings and our special needs kids take a good amount.  I get a very small allowance that doesn't even begin to cover all this crap.  I use it to buy clothes mostly and I'm usually going over.

Finally after much throwing of objects and endless insults on both sides he agreed to let me start the name changing at the end of January.  If I'm really lucky I'll have my new id by my birthday in May.  Just seems so long from now ...  The worst thing is that is the least expensive of all the things I need.  Chest surgery will probably be around $6,000 and a Metoidioplasty is even more most likely.  Not to mention a hysterectomy which needs to be done in a hospital and who knows how much that would be!  Even a small prosthetic from LolaJake will cost $700 and up if I include the medical glue and the remover, the stp option, the pleasure rod on a packer large enough to penetrate.     

My partner's point is that I'm freaking selfish taking an unfair amount of the family resources for my own personal stuff.  I would rather it not but that way but everything is so expensive with this transition.  As a compromise for the money for my name change I agreed to wait until 2012 to even talk about chest surgery.  That just kills me because I can't even think about going another year like this.  I'm not young like some of you.  I'm all ready in my thirties and nearly out of the game as it is.

Something about today is just making dysphoria seems out of control.  The pictures I took yesterday and posted here don't look at all male to me.  I thought I was doing better than that but I guess not.  I'll never have what I should have been born with.   Even if I win the lottery it still won't be enough.    To most people out in this world of ours I will never be a guy unless I have a full size fully functioning penis.  I try to raise above that thought and tell myself that masculinity and gender identity begins and ends in the brain but sometimes the doubt manages to creep itself on in.

*hugs squirrel*

;_; I'm sorry.  I wish I could manage something encouraging and positive, but I'm also doing pretty poorly and am feeling really down.  The end of this year's just been awful. 

There's only one gender therapist in town and her wait list is forever long and the online one got sick and bailed on me and hasn't contacted me back for re-scheduling in two weeks.  I need my wisdom teeth out badly but have to wait due to my crappy insurance, and my gay friend I'm practically in love with couldn't care less about me and only sees me as a girl.  I'm thinking I'm too depressed to even get hammered tonight, might cry and make an ass of myself or something.

It's hard to think of 2011 being better when the problems just carry over, isn't it?  Still, we can try to count our blessings, right?  You've got your kids and you look great.  You've got body issues (don't we all, I'm a size 28 and think I'm fat when I'm already down on myself), so being depressed has got you thinking those pictures don't look male, but that's not accurate.  You look very male in them, albeit younger than 30's, but that's a good thing in gay dating circles, everyone loves a twink.  

I've been trying to improve my credit personally so I can get a carecredit loan for top surgery.  Some friends of mine suggested I get my degree first and get a good paying job to afford top surgery, but they don't really understand how damaging it is to live like this, now do they?  It's not exactly like saving up for a new car you want.

I could be wrong, but your partner sounds far from supportive, and I'm sorry for that.  Hang in there man!

Hi Squirrel,
I'm sorry to hear that bud. I'm not sure where to start, but I'm hearing a lot of assumptions here. You feel limited in chances to make friends, limited cause you've hit your 30s, etc. Hell, by the 30s a lot of people are just getting started! I'm also hearing there are limits placed on you by someone else - husband, boyfriend, ex? Now, I don't have children, so I'm not going to pretend to understand what you're going through there. But other than children, you are not limited. You're still young, attractive, etc. You've got a lot going for you. Things may look bleak, but they can turn around. You've come through a lot to get to this point in transition, in self-acceptance. And you can blow through these other obstacles.

**hugz**

I had a couple paragraphs writen but they just seemed like condesending platitudes. You deserve better than that.

**Hugz Paul again**

Squirrel,

Sometimes in our journey we will hit a difficult path, we can choose either to stand still and give up, turn around, and go back. Or we can fight whatever obstacle that is in our way and strive forward. The bad news is that however bad things are now...it can always get worse. The good news is that it will eventually get better; i know how difficult it seems and some days you just want to throw it all away, but you just have to hang on in there and the storm will pass.
I can't imagine going through the ordeal that you have to face at this moment, but i know that i have had days where i've wanted to tear my hair out...say screw it, but then i wake up the next day, rub some dirt in it and get back up again.

To be honest, i can't imagine you as anything but a man, when i read your story and realizing that you have kids and a male partner...it was then that it sank in me that you were a bio-female (even then i have to struggle to understand it lol). Life is weird like this but maybe everything has a purpose, and within all this you will discover something amazing about yourself. You have the courage to go this far, many people would never even dream of taking that first step, because maybe they are too scared, or too afraid of what others may think of them. Not you man, you are a strong, persevering and independently minded person. You are smarter and much wiser than most people and i know that you will find your way out.

love,
pam

Thank you everyone for your comments and support.  The last couple of days I've written a long essay everyday and people still aren't tried of me.  It's amazing!   

Thanks for that because it really helps me to write it all down and have people respond with solidarity. 

@Pam - Thanks for your words and the reminder they hold.  I know that sometimes all I need is patience.  My life has been amazing overall and somehow it has all managed to work out despite impossible challenges.  Rolling with the punches is sometimes the best thing you can do because of what you learn.  Oh by the way you are so feminine you make me feel like man which is a great feeling.   

@Cynthia - You know I love you.  Thank you

@FA - I know this feeling sorry for myself is BS when actually I'm pretty lucky.  Sometimes I just can't help it when I look at what I don't have.  At all the time that I lost being the wrong person.  It's important however to look at all that I do have and all the life I do have left to live.  Thank you.

@Keiran - Oh man if you've read my last couple of posts in the sexuality thread you would know that I completely relate to the gay friend not being what you want.  It's really tough I know but all you want to do is jump him and all he wants is someone to admire him to boost his ego.  I'm sorry to hear that you are having so much trouble with the gender therapist.  I have a gender therapist but I pay her out of pocket as insurance is an ass and it gets expensive really fast.  Blah.  It's never going to be perfect for us.  This road is not an easy one but we get to be who we really are and in a way that makes us very lucky.  I'm alone tonight too.  If you want send me a PM and we can figure out a way to talk. 

Oh and thanks for the comments on the pictures.  That's good to know. 

@Tad - Perfect, thank you. 

@Pat - Thanks man.  Never think that.  Just responding shows me that I'm not alone and that means so much.  Thank you.

Hey Paul,

Sorry things aren't going well, I hope that some more compromises and some good money falls into your hands. I don't have much but to say that you totally passed in those pics. You are a guy and you know it So does anyone else who meets your handsome self. *hugs* and I'm wishing you a good 2011 man.

Hey Squirrel, Paul? We may not know each other yet but I am there too.. Seems we're about the same age too so I can tell you that no you're not too old (now I feel old lol)  You have a sense of humor so let me let you in on a little secret that I've noticed about everyone here.. We're all nuts   (ducks)  Hope things get better for you soon.. In the mean while.. Hang in there

I'm sorry, Squirrel. ): Unfortunately, I'm no good at advice - or uplifting messages.

So, uh, um...I don't know. ><

(You can have my nuts if you want.)

(Just saying.)

(Wait. Lolno. Never mind.)

(But, uh, yeah. Sorry about what's been happenin' with you. >< Hope things get better for you, man. Really, I'm sorry.)

*hug*

Quote from: Kvall on December 31, 2010, 09:11:59 PM
Hey Squirrel,

I think a lot of us are or have been around where you are. Even though we don't talk about it much, it's still no big secret that transition can take a major financial toll. Practically it sounds like there are some things you can be doing to help save money toward your surgery. For example, you wrote that most of your money is going to clothes. Perhaps now is the time to start getting your clothes from Goodwill/Value Village? Consider going through your monthly costs and find places where you can cut back. Ask yourself before purchases, "Do I need this more than I need the money for transition?" I'm not proposing being a total ascetic, just to find balance.

Would it be feasible for you to find work just on weekends, or whatever days your partner doesn't work? I realize you have a baby and that this limits what you can look for in terms of work hours. Maybe you can find a work-from-home opportunity?

I wonder if I'm detecting from you a sense that your financial situation with your partner is a bit unfair? He's earning the salary, sure, but you're working hard at home as well. How much spending money does he have and how does it compare to the 'allowance' he is giving you? Maybe I'm reading more into it than you intended.

I really hope things look up for you and for you to find a solution to your money troubles. Sometimes we all need to break down a bit before we can build ourselves back up. Here's to rebuilding.

Good point.
Squirrel, I'm wondering if this sort of protection of finances thing doesn't have an additional motive. How supportive is he of your transition?

Regarding finances, would your partner be so stingy if you had cancer? diabetes? or a permanent disability and needed medical supplies?  Of course not.  As much as we want to argue that being trans isn't a medical condition, in the eyes of society it is. So, if your partner wants a live squirrel in 2011 then he should help with transtion.  As we all know depression kills.  And what is more important than having a live squirrel to take care of his kids?  If you ask me HE is being selfish denying you funds.

On the plus side, being 30 and having 3 children you might be able to argue with your insurance that you need a hysto.  Maybe that would get the ball rolling this year to make you feel better.  And if it is paid for by insurance, all the better.

Hang in there.  Things will get better.  And your kids need you.


Jay

If your parents and old friends don't want to be part of your life, then that's their loss. You don't need their negativity around you. You shouldn't be made to feel guilty for transitioning. Saying it's for "own personal stuff" makes it seem like it's just a hobby or something, not a necessity for your wellbeing. If I was you I would try to find ways to generate some sort of income. Even if it's a minimum wage part time job.  I know where I work sometimes you only get one 4 hour shift a week. Is there anything around the house that you can live without? Video game systems, musical instruments, a bicycle to sell?  Thirty something is hardly old and I ask for peoples ID's all the time at work and I never noticed the gender marker. I think you passed in the pictures you posted recently. You will never have exactly the body you should, but will it not be a lot closer than what you've got now? Most of the world will never know you don't have a full size fully functioning penis. Hang in there buddy.

Paul, Hon.  I know it is tough when you don't control the purse strings, but hopefully you can show your partner ho important this is to you.

In the mean time remember you are still loved by your family here.  And you will always be our squirrelly Paul. 

Quote from: KillBelle on December 31, 2010, 07:36:44 PM
Squirrel,

Sometimes in our journey we will hit a difficult path, we can choose either to stand still and give up, turn around, and go back. Or we can fight whatever obstacle that is in our way and strive forward. The bad news is that however bad things are now...it can always get worse. The good news is that it will eventually get better; i know how difficult it seems and some days you just want to throw it all away, but you just have to hang on in there and the storm will pass.
I can't imagine going through the ordeal that you have to face at this moment, but i know that i have had days where i've wanted to tear my hair out...say screw it, but then i wake up the next day, rub some dirt in it and get back up again.

To be honest, i can't imagine you as anything but a man, when i read your story and realizing that you have kids and a male partner...it was then that it sank in me that you were a bio-female (even then i have to struggle to understand it lol). Life is weird like this but maybe everything has a purpose, and within all this you will discover something amazing about yourself. You have the courage to go this far, many people would never even dream of taking that first step, because maybe they are too scared, or too afraid of what others may think of them. Not you man, you are a strong, persevering and independently minded person. You are smarter and much wiser than most people and i know that you will find your way out.

love,
pam

Sorry this is of topic,

What are you doing to that camel, or is it doing something to you ?

Cindy

Squirrel.

If I may, I'd like to offer you a few points, for your consideration.

Friends.

The freinds you've lost, were never your friends, they were friends with someone else.

You can choose your friends, but not your family. If they don't like it, to use an English expression, they can lump it.

Partner.

With respect, you will need to find a way to work with his guy.

You both are the adults in a home with kids. So, effectively, you're both rsponsible for running the home and the kids.

If he gets the feeling you're pushing his views aside to pursue your own, he will leave. Because, from his point of view, he's losing his position as your partner and becoming more like one of the kids.

I will really, strongly suggest you try to integrate him more into decisions. That he is talking like this, demonstrates that he feels excluded.

ID.

With respect, I think you may need to rethink this one.

To cut to the chase here, you're spending too much time worrying what others think of you.

In a shop, all they are concerned about is the colour of your money. If an assistant makes an impertanent comment, complain. That is utterly unacceptable.

You're getting yourself wound up because the appearance you're presenting is intended to make an impression. That's fine. But the impression is for you. As far as anyone else in concerned you're just another person. Think of all the people you saw a few days ago. How many do you actually remember?

So, you get your ID changed and someone calls you madam, or worse, askes you if you are one of those sex change weirdos.

The point is dear Squirrel, it isn't about your ID, it's about your self confidence. That comes from within. More importantly, it comes from your home. How well and happy you are there.

What I'm trying to say to you Squirrel, is spend a lot more time worrying about your relationship with your partner, your home and your kids. As your self confidence builds, and it will, you won't care what people outside think about you.

How can I say that? How can I be so certain?

Because you have as much right to be here, to be who you are and express yourself as anyone else.

If some stranger doesn't like that, they can go screw themselves.

Squirrel- not a lot too add to some of the good answers that have been posted but just wanted to tell you your thought about and wished all the best. The problem is, as we all know, that no matter how hard, how sh**ty life gets we get through another day somehow and another one until yet again its the end of another year and we get a chance to take stock of what we ve achieved. Look at where you were this time last year. I know where i was- climbing the walls cos absolutely nothing was happening in regard to my transition.  Look how far youve come- even just in terms of your own confidence if you feel you dont have anything else to measure. We will all get there one day, with or without the support of our loved ones. Head up, keep looking em in the eye and always remember you are Paul you are you and you are wonderful

Squirrel, I hope you're feeling a little better.

I don't know if this will help, but I wanted to comment on some stuff I've observed from my own experiences: The more others push an unwanted gender role upon us in any way (telling us we are wrong for how we feel, refusing to use correct pronouns or name, telling us in words or deeds that our needs are frivolous, etc) the further away our goals seem to be. And it also makes those goals more and more important because when you have others questioning or mocking or dismissing your needs, it can feel as if those goals are the only thing we have left to cling to. Not only that but the goals can take on an added urgency if we feel meeting them will justify our needs to those who have been so dismissive.

This is analytical and does little to help with emotional reactions, but sometimes dissecting things this way can help. Spacial made a good point with regards to the ID. I think it may loom so large because you're getting your needs dismissed at home, so the idea of having your identity dismissed in public (due to an incorrect ID) is a horrible thought. It is a completely understandable feeling.

With regards to the name change fees, is that for court fees? Is it possible to get a fee waiver? If not, is it possible to sell some things that belong to you, to raise some of the money towards it? If you don't have your own, separate private savings account, it might be a good idea to get one.

First off I need to thank you all for taking the time to write the messages and thank you for the pm's as well.  I was surprised but happy to know how supported I am here.   

Regarding my financial woes and my relationship with my partner, I don't think he is deliberately holding back money from me.  Times are tough right now and even though his job currently is stable who knows what tomorrow will bring.  Motorola recently spilt the section he works for off into a separate company.  That's worrying right there but so far so good.  He is right in that we need to have some savings to cushion us if something unforeseen happens.  He's just a lot more anal about it than I am.  Not to mention more paranoid about the future and always focusing on the worst case.  Plus we spent a huge amount on the kids this Christmas.  With a new flat screen for them and a thousand dollars worth of gifts.  Which was entirely his idea by the way.  When I said I wanted my ID changed he pulled the whole, "which of the kid's Christmas presents do you want to return?"  A major guilt trip because naturally I don't want to take anything out of my kid's hands but his excess with them means there is nothing left for me.  The biggest problem here is that he is in control of the money.  One of my resolutions this year is learning more how to be financially responsible and start taking some control of all of this.  I need to stop being a victim and figure it out myself.  Which probably means spending less on clothing as Kvall suggests.  That's not going to be easy because nice clothing makes me feel wonderful but I should think long term I know.

It's hard to say how supportive my partner is of my transition.  These days he says he doesn't care if I'm male or female as long as I'm me?  Which isn't exactly what I want as I'm not going for androgynous here.  However if that's what he needs to do to get by ...  At least he's not seeing me as female and using the right name and pronouns.  Right now his biggest fear, as he tells me, is that I will leave him behind.  I wouldn't say that he guilts me about it but it comes up quite often.  He is afraid that I am going to want to completely rewrite my life with new people and a new exciting situation.  A big part of me does want that.  It's the dream to get out of this house where I feel so trapped and get my own apartment.  I love the city, the excitement and the crowds.  I love just going out on town and getting into trouble.  Instead I'm at home and the kids are such a drain on me. 

I've mentioned before that they are autistic and while I do my best with them it is extremely difficult.  I should clarify that regarding the children I most definitely have a father's relationship with them.  My partner is naturally more maternal, always has been and he takes the Mother role.  He'll be cooing and cuddling while I worry about setting their boundaries and making sure the house is child safe.  He's the one they go to when they need comforting.  I have a more practical protective thing going on and I'm no good at getting on the floor to play with them.     

I would like to get a part time job so at least I can interact with other people to a certain extent.  However I've looked and applied without hearing back.  It's pretty sparse right now.  I'm hoping things will pick up with the economy and there will be more opportunities with flexible hours.

I know my partner's greatest wish is that I stop where I am right now and be happy with that.  It would be easier on everyone if that was the case but I can't do that.  I have the drive to complete myself since the tools are available to do it.  I appreciate your advice Spacial and M.Grimm but I really need this ID.  It's more than just a piece of plastic in my pocket.  It will be my tangible, personal victory badge that I will be able to pull out and see what I've accomplished.  Knowing that I overcame all the obstacles that stood in my way.  I don't think you can really put a price on that.  This hasn't been an easy journey but I've come this far.  The surgeries are what I can't decide if they are critical or not to my well being.

The cost goes to court fees, filing fees and the fee for the newspaper ad.  There is no way I can get any of it waived I don't think.  The household income is to high.  I do have my own savings account.  Unfortunately I don't have any big budget items to sell right now. 

Thanks again everyone

I think you have a good head on your shoulders and a solid grasp of reality. You're in a difficult and complicated situation, but you're right, you're luckier than some. And, regardless of what you might think, you are still young. If you keep your eyes on the ball, keep trying, and make careful plans, you will get what you need. It does get frustrating, though. I know.

But I don't know what your long-term intentions are regarding your partner, and I can't be sure that he has told you much about how he really feels. If he has told you that he's afraid that you'll leave him behind, he's made a very big admission that leaves him vulnerable. If you want to stay with him, I hope you have the psychological wherewithal to reassure him over and over, and to make it clear that you appreciate his breadwinning abilities and whatever emotional support he's been able to give you. If he does not fully appreciate what you do every day with your time and energy--I'm only saying "if"--then there's nothing you can do about that. But don't forget that HE probably needs YOUR support and reassurance.

I hope I'm not out of line here, but I think I see some similarities between your relationship and my former relationship. For various reasons, I don't think my relationship would have survived. But I do know that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't seem to give enough support and sympathy to my partner. Maybe you can do it with yours.