I've been struggling a lot recently. I want to be a boy, but at the same time I don't. It's kinda hard to explain. But I will try.

I'm new to this whole thing. I've never fit in or identified with girls my age (at any point in my life) and I never really wondered why. Now it's really getting to me. I get so envious of guys I know. I want what they have. I want to be seen as masculine instead of feminine and it bothers me when people use feminine pronouns. It really bothers me to the point where I can't help but wince when I hear them. They just don't feel right. They don't describe how I feel inside. I don't know that I want to transition at this point but I don't want to be where I'm at. It's just too hard and I can't take it anymore.

The holidays where hard. I got my hair cut recently (as some of you may know) and I had thought it made me look more masculine. But the things my family said made me feel awkward. Things like "you're such a cute young lady." and "you look so adorable young woman." I managed to look past it but those words made me feel disappointed, more then they should have.

I want, more then anything, to be a boy. But I know that I never will and that depresses me. I will never be a "real" boy I desperately want to be and, to be honest, that makes me feel awful about myself. It's only started to hit me now and I hate this feeling but I have no idea what to do about it. I don't want to regret anything or alienate my friends/family which is why I haven't considered transition. I don't know if I will but I want to be a boy so bad it hurts. I want a masculine name and a masculine body. I want to be one of the guys, I just can't bring myself to accept it because I know nobody else will. I'm stuck for now but I can't  deal with the feeling anymore.

I don't know if you guys know what I'm trying to say I just had to get this out. I've had to keep it in for so long that it was starting to destroy me. Thank you for reading.

Well if you don't want to be where you're at, then something's got to change. Try not to let female pronouns bother you too much right now, this whole thing is a process that takes time, effort, and elbow grease. They'll stop as you go along, masculinizing yourself or whatever you choose to do. For now, focus on figuring out what exactly you want, and how you want to do it. Whether you want to just be a guy at home, or if you want to go full time, or not at all.

You should see a therapist about it. There's at least one gender related therapist in each state in the US, and I'm sure there are plenty in other countries, but I don't know how many and where and things like that. They'll help you sort things out. And when you're ready, they can help you come out to your family, and build a back up plan, and important things like that.

Good luck, and keep your head up! Things will get better if you make them better.

I want to echo what Morgan said--Get Thee to a Therapist! That is exactly why they make you do counseling before you seriously transition, to help you figure these issues out and decide what you really want and how to go about it. Having a plan makes you not feel so powerless.

I like what Morgan said, things will get better if you make them better!

Or, one of my favorite sayings: If you don't change what you are doing, then how can you expect different results?

It won't go away, you can't go around it. Only THROUGH it.

Good luck and stay strong!

Thanks you guys. I have gotten better. I've been called sir at work which makes me happy beyond belief.
However, what kind of therapist should I see. I'm still living with my parents and on their insurance so I'm not sure how to got about that since they don't know about how I'm feeling.