So I have been married to the same beautiful woman for 29 years, come this January. We have three wonderful grown daughters together. I am out to everyone and  I am full time. Life is in my opinion, "Great". Although there is the occasional bump in the road ,nothing too distracting. Our three daughters are all different in how they are dealing with me being trans. The oldest one , "welcomes the diversity". The second, is having a hard time with it although she flip flops from time to time. The youngest is just AMAZING !!

  So over the last couple months we haven't really talked about nor have we had to deal with the issue of how to introduce me and what to call me. I mean what title should be given me in the relationship. There has been jokes about "my two moms" but nothing serious. The issue isn't so much with family and close friends. Most everyone calls me Roxy all the time. Last night my daughter had friends over . All but one knew me before transition. I pass, I think fairly well, so I don't think my history need be discussed.  It's OK that they introduce me as Roxy, but Roxy what? Roxy, my moms friend? Roxy the friend of the family? Roxy my mom significant other? Roxy my mom's partner? Or Roxy my other mom?

   We live in a small town in Oregon. If we present our selves as "gay" I think it is only a matter of time till we run into some haters. Which doesn't bother me too much, but if I can avoid then , I will. Correct me if I am wrong but, I think most gay couples (depending on company) introduce their significant others as "their friend", most times. I think I am OK with that.

   Patty has wore the crown of  " mom" for so long and she has done it so well I am not about to infringe on her status.  Besides the crown won't fit me, my heads too big, hehehe. 
   
 
  Oh by the way, I got my ears pierced, yesterday !! I love life !!!
   

   HUGS & LOVE, Roxy

You are a cutie Princess Roxy.
I love you.
Hugs & Big wet kisses.
Patty

Quote from: Erocse on January 05, 2011, 09:43:17 AM
Correct me if I am wrong but, I think most gay couples (depending on company) introduce their significant others as "their friend", most times. I think I am OK with that.

Absolutely not Alison is my PARTNER and I can get very very stroppy indeed with anyone who persistently wants to relegate her to being just my "friend". After all we have a legal relationship (she is my civil partner) and we have survived 23 years together so I think she is entitled to that recognition and she feel exactly the same about me.

My own experience is that while 20 years or more ago some single sex couples used to try to hide their relationships and therefore did accept the "friend" label, these days almost ALL of us, at least in the UK where we have legal single sex relationships, are becoming ever more tired with people who think they have the right to find our relationship in some way second class or embarrassing. So we reject absolutely the "friend" label and insist on partner or spouse as a basic minimum standard of recognition.

Children may indeed have the right to a bit more leeway on this point but if someone outside the immediate family has a problem with recognising the validity of our single sex relationship we personally simply won't deal with them. Period! No negotiation, no argument, no discussion.

So yes I think you do have that bit wrong, and indeed I think you should stand up for your right to be recognised as life partners. That's just my view of course and you must do what you think best. Whatever you decide I hope my input has at least been thought provoking and therefore helpful.

Ps - To be clear on the specific point of what your children should call you however - ( because I don't want someone accusing me of being insensitive to children) I think that is entirely up to them and you to decide what you all feel comfortable with.

I've kind of struggled with this same issue. My kids still both call me dad, though my son at times switches it to 'D'. When I write or text him I usually sign it as such. He's in H.S. With my daughter, it seems I vacillate between dad and Julie. She is 21.

Recently, I was at my daughter's  house where she and her significant other were hosting a party. To his relatives, I was introduced as Julie by her and her BF. This was fine, though at one point at the dinner table they each started to let the 'D' word slip out. I took it in stride. 

My son's friends all know about me, and I have to say the funniest occurrence happened with my son's friend Bill. I've known Bill since he was at tall as my waist. I was also his soccer coach for a year or two. Bill's a great, smart kid with a good sense of humor. I hadn't seen him in a few years.

The story goes like this. Two years ago when the boys were 16,  I was to pick up my son and Bill for a quick trip to Walmart for a video game. At this point, my son had just started seeing me again after almost a year hiatus while he was adjusting to my transition.  I was thrilled that he had invited me not only to go out, but to have his friend join us.

As Bill and my son were getting into the back seat of my car, Bill let's this one out. "Hey, great to see you Mr. __________! How's it going? Bill and I commenced to kind of catch up on things and old times while my son sat in the car bewildered. Bill's nonchalant attitude helped to put my son at ease and showed him how this can be a non issue with people. Of course, while my son was scoping the games at Walmart, he excitedly called me dad a few times while showing me a game. That registered a few strange looks in the aisles!

So to your point Erocse, I guess with the name thing, I just let people kind of take it there themselves. Sure, when my kids were younger, I asked that they not call me dad while I was addressing the waitress or clerk, but otherwise I haven't put the reins on people. 

Quote from: rejennyrated on January 05, 2011, 10:07:27 AM
Absolutely not Alison is my PARTNER and I can get very very stroppy indeed with anyone who persistently wants to relegate her to being just my "friend". After all we have a legal relationship (she is my civil partner) and we have survived 23 years together so I think she is entitled to that recognition and she feel exactly the same about me.

I would have to agree with Jenny here. Patty is your partner, as a heterosexual couple or a homosexual couple. Whether someone is a longterm boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife that is the role that you play with each other. I prefer the term partner because really, that is what a relationship is, a partnership.

As I have mentioned before my Great-Aunt (pseudo grandmother) is a lesbian. She and her partner Joy have been together for 10+ years and have had a civil union for about 5 years. When I introduce them to new friends I usually say something along the lines of, "This is my Mum-Mum, Cook (short for Cookie, her childhood nickname) and my Mum-Mum Joy (or her partner Joy)". They use that term for each other as well. And again, along the same lines as Jenny, if someone has a bone to pick with that then I usually can't be bothered with them. They are my family, they didn't choose to fall in love with each other anymore than I have chosen to fall in love with my SO. (I think that you could say Patty is an exception to that with the love story she posted, you never had a shot of getting away Roxy! She seemed/seems to be bound and determined to make your love one that goes down in history as true. )

Quote from: rejennyrated on January 05, 2011, 10:07:27 AM
Children may indeed have the right to a bit more leeway on this point but if someone outside the immediate family has a problem with recognising the validity of our single sex relationship we personally simply won't deal with them. Period! No negotiation, no argument, no discussion.

Ps - To be clear on the specific point of what your children should call you however - ( because I don't want someone accusing me of being insensitive to children) I think that is entirely up to them and you to decide what you all feel comfortable with.

I would also have to agree with this. If your daughter's are comfortable introducing you as Roxy, my mother (I hate saying 'other mother', I feel mother is sufficient, unless further information is requested) than let them introduce you that way. Julie's way also works (shortening to D). It's all a matter of what you and your children are most comfortable with.

Just try not to force it, whatever you settle on should feel natural.


Hugs!

Jackie

I'm sorry if I missed this, but are you a biological parent of the girls?  Or did you raise them?   I'm unclear on the exact relationship, so I can't be of as much help as I'd like.

Not knowing that, 23 years deserves more than 'friend' in my book.   I'd probably go with roommate before friend if you weren't really involved in their upbringing.  If you were involved, I think you should be acknowledged.

ETA:  You look freaking fantastic, btw 

You are the VERY significant other! 

Quote from: LilDoberman on January 05, 2011, 10:51:28 AM
I'm sorry if I missed this, but are you a biological parent of the girls?  Or did you raise them?   I'm unclear on the exact relationship, so I can't be of as much help as I'd like.

Not knowing that, 23 years deserves more than 'friend' in my book.   I'd probably go with roommate before friend if you weren't really involved in their upbringing.  If you were involved, I think you should be acknowledged.

ETA:  You look freaking fantastic, btw 

Patty (Mrs Erocse) and I are "the girls" biological parents.  I am mtf. Patty is a biological female and does not have a transgender bone in her body, except the supportive kind. 

   Hugs, Roxy

I am dealing with this same thing. My one daughter calls me ken on the phone or on paper , mom when it is just us, and dad or step dad when in public.  It works and I think is just a matter of time until she chooses one. My oldest boy doesn't call, next boy just gives hugs and a small hi mom, oldest girl usually says mom but introduces me as ken. She is having trouble with pronouns but we work at the same place and that is an issue all on its own.

Quote from: Erocse on January 05, 2011, 12:06:54 PM
Patty (Mrs Erocse) and I are "the girls" biological parents.

In that case, you should ideally be called Mom.  If you're willing to compromise on that to make the girls comfortable, more power to you    I think that being called 'friend' negates your relationships which are very important.   If these are just acquaintances of your girls, I don't think their needs/feelings/concerns should really factor in; if you, Patty and the girls can agree than everyone else can deal

Just my $.02 and of course, this isn't a perfect world   Good luck!

If I were in your position. (and I really wish I was, on several levels), I would suggest Roxy.

A mom is kinda something specific.

Patty is the mom, to you as well 

They are grown up, so you know they respect you. You don't need to enforce it with  title.

I understand that, in the US especially, there are many families where a parent is called by their name.

Funny, my wife and I were discussing this too.

We're currently thinking things like " Momma S", Or "Mother" and leaving the mommy and mom to her. We joke about calling me BIG MOMMA since she is 5'3 and I am 5'12 (LOL). 
I would like the title of mom in there somewhere. And I would also refer to her as my spouse.
I don't want really hide that we are a lesbian couple.  If we aren't welcomed in a certain area then I wouldn't want to live there. That's just me.

I would like my kids to call me mum. But their other mum does not like that and tells them they can not call me that, which is pretty aweful they get caught in the middle.

So the compromise is they call me Nicki. I'm Nicki their other parent. In public most people refer to me as their mum and the kids don't say otherwise. Becky is still sorting it out in her head. She says "You can be mum, but I won't tell mum". I just keep asking them to call me Nicki.

I think it is ok if they introduce you as Roxy, but you could add to that "____ is my daughter" and avoid the whole thing of what title to call you.

I think it will be unavoidable Roxy that you look like a lesbian couple. I would refer to my partner as my love, my partner or my wife (if married). Perhaps in the right company my lover.

If I was in your position, I would refer to Patty as your spouse or partner.

As for the kids, I have been struggling with this too. The literature I have read is that you should let the kids decide what they are comfortable with. However, I wish I could remember who, but someone on Susan's once said they looked up "dad" or "father" in lots of different languages and found some versions that sounded feminine. The key is to pick a language not very common in the US or your geographic area. I myself always liked that idea.

My sons both said they would never call me mom because they already had one.
I replied "That's fine because Iwas am and always will be your dad."
And I will always be grandpa to my grandchildren.
Grandpa S____ is fine with me too.
And I don't care how many strange looks I get.

Jillieann

Roxy, you are very beautiful woman and there is no doubt that you pass as a female you are. Your children, especially older ones should really decide how they feel about addressing you. If you leave it to them they will feel no pressure and embrace you just the same. I always thought that in my own scenario my son who is 17 now could never truly call me mom :-) but also if he chooses "Father" it shall be fine with me, of course I would be very sexy and hot father at that . I always thought that perhaps creative vocab in place of mom or dad would be also fun and cuddly such as famita, or dadeya or you can probably think of hundreds of those. What ever the case let them know that whatever they call you your love shall be just the same.

Further to melody's suggestion, I've found these equivalents to Father in a number of languages. I have xcluded those which sound too much like father, those which sound the same as other languages and those which don't use western script. Though the chinese term did sound nice.

Afrikaans Vader

Albanian  Baba

Azerbiajani Ata

Basque      Aita

Catalan     Pare

Croatian    Otac

Czech       Otec

Danish      Far

Estonian    Isa

Filipino    Ama

Galician    Pai

Hungarian   Apa

Icelandic   Faoir

Indonesian  Ayah

Irish       Athair

Lithusnian  Tevas

Macedonian  Tatko

Maltese     Missier

Polish      Ojciec

Portuguese  Pai

Romanian    Tatal

Slovak      Otec

Slovenian   Oce

Vietnamese  Cha

Welsh       Tad

First things first.  If you are seen as being lesbian, let them bring it on.  It is Oregon and we are protected by the Oregon Constitution.

As what to call you, I suggest that your daughters decide that for themselves.  As to what you are to Patty, that is easy.  You are her partner and have been for a long time.  If people equate that to being lesbian then so be it.

Hi Roxy. I agree with janet. Ask the girls what they're comfortable with. As for Patty, I'd say she is your life partner.
BTW I love the photo. You are just beautiful.
Hugs
Beth

Roxy:

I never looked to be called mom by my daughters.  That honor is reserved for their mother.  I will always be their father, and nothing can change that.

My daughters are adults and I prefer that they call me Sandy.  And for the most part they do.  Sometimes they forget and still call me dad, which I don't mind.  And it is interesting when that happens in public.  I notice the looks of people around me and it can be funny.

I am completely open and out.  But I don't make a big deal of it.  By now, all of my daughters friends know about me.  If they have a question they can ask.

My granddaughters call me grandma Sandy which I adore.  The oldest, a 5 year old, knows now that I started as a boy, but that doesn't bother me nor her.  I am still grandma.  There may come a time when she talks about that in kindergarten, but again, it is not anything I am afraid of.  If the school somehow thinks that that is inappropriate, they'll have to deal with me (and the legal system if necessary).

Patricia is my partner and that is the way that I prefer to be introduced.  We are partners and people can draw whatever they wish from it.  We are an open lesbian couple and that is the way I feel.

It has presented some interesting situations, but always with others (like what happened during my granddaughers christening, check my blog).  My life challenges society's classic definitions of gender.  But it is society's problem to figure it out, not mine.

I live my life authentically, and I will not exchange one lie for another.  So to the world, I am a female father and a lesbian in a committed relationship with a woman.  So what's the problem?

To do or say anything else is an attempt to put me back in the closet.  And this girl ain't never going back there!

-Sandy