Wow. This article REALLY hit home, not the whole as a straight wife going into the Lesbianism thing, but the whole grieving step process. and it's so true. I am grieving the woman I feel in love with, but 'm sucking it up and trying my best. (the whole learning to fly thing is scary lol) and so much DOES change and right now I'm only in the VERY early stages of my partners transition, so the idea that even MORE uncharted territory scares the living daylights out of me. GAH! ^^; I'm really glad I read it though.

Wow. This has really helped me! Thanks for posting! My currently boyfriend (one day WIFE) is going to start the transitioning process soon, and all the unknown is kind of scaring me a bit. I know most people would be like "RUN,  THERE'S OTHER FISH IN THE SEA!" but I honestly don't want anyone else! Which is one of the reasons I'm a bit scared of what's to come, I don't want to lose what I have now because we are so great together. I know that it's the person I am meant to be with, and it will always be the same silly, loving, caring soul that I was drawn to, and even though the outer shell might be different, he's always been female on the inside, so nothing much is going to change, except she will be happier with who she is as a whole. 

I do think we can make it through this, but there will just be a lot of bumps along the way, I just hope all those bumps don't cause us to end up separating. I have terrible anxiety disorder in the first place which causes me to worry over and cry over some of the smallest things, so I end up freaking out way too often, about stuff I probably shouldn't even be worried about.

I truly feel that we are soulmates and we found each other for a reason. I really do support him 100%, it's just hard to show it all the time when I'm preoccupied worrying about every little thing!

Quote from: heatherrose on April 17, 2009, 05:30:39 PM

Color my world? What hues shall you chose?
Perhaps to start we willl pull from the giant box
of crayolas, a deep crimson for a field of love
and as with a childs hand we'll scribble across
the page with a soft shimmering gold alive as
a sunrise proclaming the promise of a new day,
streaked with the truest of blue for commitment
and security...this is only the start, trust your
heart, it knows how to color the rest of your
world but I hope I was helpful from the start.

Peace and love to you and your love.

Thank you! I don't know if you found that or wrote it, but it's beautiful!

My husband came from a family of four boys and one girl. There was plenty of competition and testosterone amongst the boys. So when after 10 years of marriage he told me he liked to dress up in womans clothes, I knew that had to be a deep seated and sincere desire. It was not easy to confess and I could not think there was any benefit to expose that to me, unless it was very important to him. I, as a woman who loves being one, I cannot imagine having to wear nothing but jeans and a T-shirt through out life. Occasionally a suit, or button up shirt. I really desire to go shopping, buy interesting clothes and have fun dressing up.(I would totally raid Lucielle Balls closet ) Why wouldn't I understand that for him. He felt the need, he wanted it. I kept his secret and and it gave me new venues for buying gifts. I found it so fun to be able to come home with panties and nighties just for him. It was our secret.  Now 18 years later, he has let me know it is more than just dressing up. He gradually let me in on the choice he has made.  He is a transgendered woman. He recently came out for the first time. I didn't know about it and wasn't there. I was relieved and at the same time hugely anxious and stressed about it.I felt left out but (He is now she) she was right to suggest that she just could not do it with me. I understood that. I felt like that part of me that was so private is now in the open.
    I read this post and thought that allot of the things that it said were an acknowledgement of things I was feeling.I was going up and down and inside and out trying to figure out what I was feeling. I did not want her to come out. I thought what we did in private was enough, wasn't it? Do we have to change everything? She has been away now for about 3 weeks. Though I miss her it has been a growing time, a time of reflection for both of us. She has gone out several times. She sends me pictures. Every chance she gets. She is happier by far than I have ever known her to be. I am happy for her. She deserves to be happy and feel good. She is an amazing, caring, wonderful person. She loves everyone in her family and is always good to everyone in mine. She has been my best friend forever. Soooo...........
   I am not perfect by any means and she always puts up with me.That is wrong, she loves me nicely anyways. She knows me inside and out. Even when I cannot acknowledge something she knows what I am thinking. It is our life and (despite other beliefs) this may be the only one we have, my friend and lover deserves to live it the way she feels good in. I deserve to have my friend forever and feel good with her. So it shall be.
    I will do my best not to struggle with what others will think. I always believed you cannot please all of the people all of the time. So why worry about it. Sometimes I do but it is unproductive. Too simply put....The world should be a better place.  Everyone on Suzan's should feel great in the world. We as spouses should be allowed to feel accepting and acceptance in this world too.
    Thank you for this post. It did not fit the bill perfectly but it was a stepping stone for me. I appreciate all the time and effort everyone puts into sharing thier experiences with all of us.
     
   
   

Thanks for the link, it really gives me a better idea of what my Judy is thinking and going through.  It's amazing that some of the conversations she related in the piece is almost verbatim of things Judy has said.

Jamie

the blog covers pretty much every aspect of a transition within a marriage.
My spouse and I have pretty much overcome all the hurtles that were there and many of them really didn't apply to us like the fear of what other people might think of us.
However, after all that we have done we are stuck on one issue that may overturn all the good strides that we have done.
Namely you can change or open your mind but you can't change your heart like that. Sure there is companionship between us but we need romantic attraction in order to stay together as a married couple.
Both my spouse and I have realized we miss an emotional relationship with a man. She is missing a man I used to be and I am missing a man I never had. No one is seeking here a sexual relationship just a kind of emotional/romantic dynamic that happens between a man and a woman. What will happen remains to be seen but this is how the story can take a turn too.
In spite the unconditional love and support one might not be able to sacrifice the romance for the rest of ones life as it is the fundamental of any marriage.

Wow you took the words right out of what I am feeling. My husband wants to transition and I am supporting him 100%, but I need the romantic part with a man. He loves me unconditionally and we have a great life together...he is my best friend...but he will no longer be able to satisfy my sexual needs or be romantically involved with me. It's human to have these feelings, but difficult to deal with them.

I'm glad I read this article. It does put it into perspective that transition affects everyone.  Had I been married I would have had to tell her she didn't need to stay, that I knew it wouldn't be fair to her.  After all she didn't fall in love with me, only who I was trying to be.  In truth there is still a grieving process for me as well (and I suspect I'm not the only one to feel this way). I feel like my old self is a brother who died.  Part of me wishes he could still be here but our existences are mutually exclusive.

I am new to this site and new to these types of discussions. I am married to my husband and yesterday was my 6 year anniversary. He told me 4 years ago he wanted to be a girl & I began to get scared, insecure, very very hurt, & confused. Throughout our relationship he had acted manly and I never knew this deep truth within him ever existed. We just started counseling with a "MTF" counselor and she seems really nice, she is also a marriage counselor. I will do what ever it takes to support my husband in whatever decision he makes whether its cross-dressing, putting makeup on, the full transition. BUT I am scared of what we are going to be facing. I truly LOVE HIM and his personality, that to me is undeniable, but to feel the pain he has to go through just kills me inside. We have been together for a total of 9 years and he has helped me grow into a very strong and wonderful woman!! He was super strong, now he is super confused. I am doing what I can to support him & oh did I mention I am 8 weeks pregnant!!! Which I am truly happy for. If the society wasn't so hateful of transition I wouldn't feel so terrified.. I feel I could still be attracted to him if he decides to transition in all the positive ways. I hope this all make sense I just wanted to get this off my chest. Thank you for your time...

The link doesn't seem to be working anymore, and it's really sad that such a helpful article is missing.

I felt the same way... 

i noticed the link was not working anymore either...
this is not new to me(well this site is)
when i met c. he told me straight out that he was transgender...of course the questions of hermaphrite or transsexual and all that...c. explained it to me...tho, c. is off and on all the time...we are going on 9 years now...i had a daughter m. from a previous marriage she is 13 and we have a boy who is 2.
c. has a tendency to switch back and forth often...i love c. dearly..always have...but honestly my daughter of course at this age is clustered to begin with. she says she understands but i know she doesnt.. she likes c. better as a woman b/c clothes and make up and all that jazz are talked about and c. actually interacts with the family. for when c. is a man, he is mean and bitter and i know it stems from having to surpress..
i dont c. realizes that changing back and forth is not only straining on her but on us as well.  she does become quite selfish...i do have a bit of jealousy cos i was a grunge kid and never wore chick jeans until i met c. i mean i did have a fabulous era when i lived on miami beach...that was the only true time i felt sexyi was more into partying at gay clubs in skanky clothes cos i didnt have to worry about guys being there looking for one thing.
i am glad i had that time b/c it gave me an inside to alternative lifestyles.
but i am sooo lost. we have 2 kids..c. is working but usually quits when c. changes to her true self. i am just beginning school again and i can not deal with having to leave our kids so many hours. b/c i would then have to work too. thing is c. loves our son..he is a bit of a strain on my daughter and is more than strict to her. but when i am not home, my daughter becomes the full time babysitter...it doesnt matter what c. is i have accepted that. tho c. does not realize that when she changes to her true self it is not only a change for her but ALL of us.
i love her but not the selfishness. stays up all night on weekends and sleeps the day away. she had promised to help rearrange the house. i ended up moving the bedroom on my own. i cant do the living room cos she is sleeping there. its to the point that my daughter gets disrespectful telling me to wake her up that is not only me in that house.
at this point i am a shell of what i used to be. i dont want to be who i was but i changed completely for her..removed my piercings along the way and if i do anything of the sort it is not tolerated. i dont like confrontation. i cant handle it...to quote a song
"i think i used to have a voice, now i never make a sound, i just do what i am told..."im 35 years old...
i am at a loss
sorry ive been venting all morning through this thread and chat...i am just so lost..and im supposed to be the strong mom...and i cant let depression take over cos my kids need me...
sorry and thanks at the same time...

I think it's unfortunate that this helpful article was removed.  The "Women of the Beaumont Society" have moved to this address: http://www.gender.org.uk/wobsmatters/

I hope this helps.

hugs & smiles
Emelye

This article is no longer available. Please contact the Beaumont Society at;


http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/Index.html


SandraJane, Links Staff, Susan's Place Transgender Resources

Quote from: SandraJane on August 04, 2012, 04:41:20 PM
This article is no longer available. Please contact the Beaumont Society at;


[url=http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/Index.html]http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/Index.html[/url]


SandraJane, Links Staff, Susan's Place Transgender Resources

It's at internet archive
http://web.archive.org/web/20090626024030/http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/challenge.html

Quote from: Flan on August 06, 2012, 02:20:31 PM
It's at internet archive
http://web.archive.org/web/20090626024030/http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/challenge.html

Thank You Flan!


This article is available through the Internet Archive

The article is available in its entirety here;

http://web.archive.org/web/20090626024030/http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/challenge.html

SJ

I have read the article and I sadly still want to run away. I love my husband the way he is not the way he will be if he turns female. I want all the stuff my grandmother and mother has a happy marriage until they die, retire together as a happily married husband and wife. The one thing about this though is our son he 4 yrs old and I don't want to leave him in it all. Please help me try and convince my husband not to change.

Quote from: Ksenia on August 23, 2012, 11:49:31 AMI have read the article and I sadly still want to run away. I love my husband the way he is not the way he will be if he turns female. I want all the stuff my grandmother and mother has a happy marriage until they die, retire together as a happily married husband and wife. The one thing about this though is our son he 4 yrs old and I don't want to leave him in it all. Please help me try and convince my husband not to change.

I'm sorry, I cannot help you convince your husband not to change. I can only try to convince you to realize that the person you love is not changing, just the shell that harbors the soul.

If only your son's sake, think of the person you love and fell in love with. The jokes, hand holding, and laughs you have had. So little of that is based on his gender, and while it will be incredibly difficult, you will be with the one you love and your son will have two loving parents.

We live in a lifetime where you can still have a happy marriage, retire, and die together, even if your husband changes. No one knows how your husband will be if he turns female, not even him! It is very scary, and imagine that it is something your husband has struggled with his entire life.

No one can convince another to change or not to change. We all have to do what we think is best for ourselves and for those we love.