When I tell somebody that I am transgender. I can only imagine what some people think. Most people are very understanding and are glad that I can express myself in a way that makes me happy. Others, I am afraid are not so nice.

I am afraid they assume things that I wish I could explain to them differently. Take for instance my dad's first reaction. The first words out of his mouth, when he found out I was trans, were, "You have to learn to control your urges." When I heard him say this I was completely dumbfounded. I didn't even know what to say. I mean I was fully prepared to explain everything he may needed to know about being trans. Just not that. "Urges" what urges was he talking about? I tried to explain to him , that he had the wrong idea, but he just kept on repeating the same thing, "you have to learn to control your urges" . I thought oh my god does he really think this is some sort of sexual perversion? I thought again, "urges" If only he knew, it is anything but urges. My god if anything there was a lack of urges. But that's for another post another day.

  The other issue I think people must think about is: Why did I get married, why did I wait so long to come out ? If this was something that I knew about as early as 5 or 6 years old, Why didn't I inform my wife about it before we were married? I have even heard it said, even  here on Susan's that , not informing a person's wife prior to marriage is in the least breaking the marriage vows.

   There are many different situations here on Susan's and many different answers to the questions as well.  I say these things to be helpful to others as well as the fact that they have proven to be somewhat therapeutic for me. Here is my story.

   I was born smack-dab in the middle of four boys and one girl. The girl being the youngest. My family was a very religious one. I knew about my feelings of being trans as far back as 5 or 6 years of age. Though being in my family I felt it best to keep that hidden away. At that time in my life, growing up with this issue bothered me allot. I often prayed to god, not to let me feel this way.  School was particularly hard on me. I did so poorly and had such a difficult time socializing. It got to the point where I spent most of  the time wandering around town instead of going to school. At one point my mother decided to take me to school herself and walk me to my first period. That only worked for first period. After the bell rang I simply walked off campus.  I was so dysfunctional my parents gave up on me and pulled me out of school. They were supposed to home school me but decided to put me to work at the family business instead. By the time I was sixteen I had learned to accept myself as transgender. Though I still kept it secret. Because I started work early in life I was able to save up enough to buy my first Porsche at sixteen, a couple years old but still pretty nice. By seventeen my income was such that I was on my second Porsche and getting well known around town as a "bad boy". I knew I was not even close to the person my parents wanted me to be and I wanted very much to prove that to them. Cocaine was the drug of chose back then (1979-80) and there seemed to be a good supply of it as long as one could afford it. By then it was clear amongst our family , I was the "bad apple".

  Every night my friends  and I did the same things. Got drunk, snorted a few lines and cruised the boulevard for chicks. I don't really know why we did this as it never panned out. Most times we went home empty handed. On the rare occasion we did meet up with some girls that would put out. It never worked out for me. I could never, let just say,"rise for the occasion. I tried to have a girl-friend once, that didn't work out either, I had the same problem with her.

  So I gave up on trying to be normal. I had a friend ,who was gay, from the bay area in California. I was in the process of talking him into letting me come live with him and start a business up in that area together.  I figured since I didn't fit in around my town, or with my family, I would venture off to a different kind of life.

   As john Lennon once said: "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans".

   I was almost eighteen then. I was on my way home one night. It was about 9 or 10 o'clock . We lived just outside of Palm Springs in a country club. If anyone knows anything about Palm Spring, well it is in the middle of the desert, and back then it was even more so. The last four miles from my house was just a long straight desert road. With no stop signs and hardly any houses on it. In fact it was rare at that time of night to meet any cars on the road. I loved to drive fast on that last stretch.  Being young and having the cars that I did, I think , helped me to develop the  indestructible image I had of myself.  About one mile from my house, I was going about 120 mph, and out from a small side street comes a man running across the road. By the time he appeared in my lights, I swerved, but it was too late. I can still remember it, as if it happen last night. Out from the desert a man runs out into the middle of the street and when he gets directly in front of my car, he stopped turned and just looked at me.  My car came to a stop out in the desert somewhere. I was covered in blood. I was able to get out of my car though it was a mess. It looked like a truck had hit it. I remember thinking,"how could this be so"? But I guess that is what happens at that high rate of speed. I ran to the street and looked back where the accident had taken place and there was a small pile of what used to be a person laying in the middle of the road . I felt so terrified and so alone. I could bring myself to look at the lump that was once a human being. I saw off in the distance a set of lights approaching. It seemed like it took forever to arrive. It finally did, I didn't explain anything to him, he just seemed to know what to do. As it turned out  he was an off duty police. He saw what was in the road and quickly put a blanket over it. He then noticed  that I was covered in blood and tried to ascertain where I had been injured. As it turns out I was not injured. And the blood was not mine. My dad arrived on the scene about 15 minutes later. After he made sure I was alright and the police took all the information that they needed he took me home. There were no charges filed ever against either parties. It was ruled, "contributory negligence".

   By the time I got back home. I guess  my family had already developed a plan on how to handle the situation, or maybe it was just their instinctive behavior.  They were all watching television including my mother and continued to do so when I came through the door. Nobody said a word about it. The first thing I needed  to do was to get my soiled clothes off and  take a shower, as I headed for the bathroom my mom ordered my oldest brother to stop watching TV and accompany me into the bathroom. He protested and asked her, why? She struggled for the answer and then just said " because I said so". But I knew why she wanted him to accompany me. I got rid of the soiled clothes and  took my shower. When I was finished they were all  still watching TV. I went and sat down on the couch with them , nobody said a word. After a few minutes I had had enough, I decided to go to bed. I laid there in bed scared and alone. After awhile everyone went to bed as well, it was late . I still laid there my heart was pounding ,not able to close my eyes. At around 2 0'clock I got up the nerve to go into my mom and dad's room. They were both asleep. I quietly woke my dad and asked if I could sleep on the floor next to his bed. He told me to just go back to bed and go to sleep. I asked again but this time I added, "please can I?" he said OK. Rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn't sleep that night, but I didn't feel so alone, laying on the floor next to his bed.

 

  Over the next few months the accident  might have got mentioned once or twice in regards to an insurance claim that would pay for the car but nothing more than that. It was such a small town at the time, that the accident made front page on the local Palm Springs news paper.

    Even though it was deemed contributory negligence I blamed myself soul y. After all nobody told me otherwise. I so much just wanted to hear somebody tell me that it wasn't, but no one ever did. It was only recent that I had the courage to address these things that have never been dealt with and have tormented me for nearly three decades. I never had the strength to blame anyone but myself.  I have since become very bitter over this.  I mean for god's sake, I know I was speeding, but What the f__k was someone doing in the middle of a f__king desert road? Was he drunk? Maybe on medication? Maybe he wanted to commit suicide and picked me to do it for him. I wish that someone could have made these suggestion back then , I would have still shouldered the blame , but at least it would suggest that there might have been somewhere else to point the finger.   There was no investigation nor would there be an autopsy. So no one will ever know what really was the cause of that horrible night.

    Around town and even amongst my friends it was hard to look anyone in the eye. I was very depressed and had thoughts of suicide. This went on for a couple months till I landed myself in the hospital with a drug overdose. I don't think I was trying to commit suicide, it was just that I didn't really care what happened to me anymore. I still wished so badly for someone to tell me that it wasn't my fault. But I was waiting for something that would never happen. Looking back on it, I think my parents kinda used what happened, as a way to get me to change who I had become, and  get me back on the "straight and narrow".

    After awhile my parents tried to get me psychological help. That was a failure. The counselor they sent me to was in way over his head, ( he was a student counselor) and in seeing this, the counselor recommended I talk to some of the clergy in my parents church. I did and that seemed to work . I remember thinking "so maybe it was my fault, god will forgive me for my sins" So that's when I began doing "Gods Work"  I changed everything about myself. I didn't do drugs. I didn't drink. I stopped thinking and indulging in anything to do with transgender feelings. It was about eight months later I met Patty (my wife) in church. She was the most beautiful lady I had ever seen. I knew that she was a women that I could love. I also knew that my parents would love her as well. Which was very important to me at the time. Because not only was I doing gods will, it seemed I was doing my parents will. This pleased them very much. We dated for one and a half months till we were married. I was eighteen then. By nineteen I was ordained as a minister. By twenty We had our first daughter.

    Even though I had changed everything about myself there were some things I could not. Even with what I thought was "gods help". When Patty and I decided to get married the date we picked was January 23rd. It just so happened that Patty was expecting her period that day. When she told me this, I was so relieved. I thought that the  extra time was just what I needed to get used to Patty in a sexual way, and that after a week I thought , I would be able to preform my husbandly duties. Well one week turned into two weeks , weeks turned into months. It was three months to the day until I was able to consummate our marriage. Even then it was without a climax. I don't remember how long that took to get figured out but we finally did manage to make it work though. Which resulted in our first child.

  After our second daughter and nine years of marriage. My feelings of being transgender returned. Not all at once, but over the years they had slowly returned until they were as if they had never left. I think this was true. My transgender feelings were always with me I just managed to bury them deep  inside of me. I never explained to Patty anything about my feelings. Which took its tole on our marriage. I can only imagine the pain and confusion she must have felt being newly married and having a husband that could not preform as he should. It took allot for me to get up enough courage up to talk to Patty about my feelings. I finally reasoned to myself , that since our marriage seemed so rocky and this issue was causing me so much concern. That if I talked to her, maybe this would bring us closer. I picked a night , the kids were asleep. I sat Patty down and told her "I had something very important to talk to her about" . She could see that I was nervous and that this was something that was going to be difficult for us. She gave me her full attention. I got about a tenth of the way into the discussion. When she stopped me.  She could see even in the short time I was talking that I was baring my soul. She stopped me from saying anything more. I guess it was the honesty that she was not comfortable with. She didn't want me to bare my soul to a person who was not planning on sticking around much longer. She then proceeded to tell me just how unhappy she had been all these years and that our marriage was all but over. Well the other part of my confession would not be talked about till quite some time later. Our marriage was about to end.

   I think that it is reflex that maybe responsible or just wanting what you can't have ? I don't know , I went into "survival mode". I was not going to let Patty go without a fight.  And fight we did.... It took years of long late night discussions. To try to put or marriage back together. During that time my discussion about me being transgender came out. But only this time it came out very slowly, little bits at a time and I was very selective of what I would tell her. I was very shaken by having almost lost her I thought that if she knew everything about me that she would surely leave. So I unfortunately withheld key pieces of information. By now we were expecting our third daughter. ( I think it says that somewhere in the marriage survival hand book, that if your marriage is on the rocks have another child.). So it didn't seem opportune to be talking about my transgender feeling when so much was going on in our lives.

   I knew I couldn't live my life this way for very much longer and certainly not the rest of my life. I didn't know what kind of life that I wanted I just knew this one was not it. Secretly I began giving myself dead lines and setting goals for myself.

   I have to repeat the old cliche, "I wish I knew then, what I know now" about Patty. If only I knew how wonderful and understanding person she would be to me. All this time I spent worrying about whether or not she would leave me, ended up just causing more distance between us . Not to mention all the time wasted.

   In making deals and goals with myself. The last one was fulfilled this last year. " I would be out of the closet after my children are grown." Well our youngest daughter celebrated her eighteenth birthday this year. I have absolutely no more secrets to tell . Nothing to keep from anyone anymore.

   So when I tell someone that I am transgender and that I have been married to the same women for 28 years  and that she did not know that I was trans until ten years after we got married and that I didn't transition till we had been married 28 years.  That just doesn't tell the whole story. Most people will probably assume that it was some sort of mid life crisis  or maybe like my father, assume it is some sort of perversion. They may also think to themselves how unfair I have been to Patty and that I should have informed her prior to marriage or in the very least come out to her sooner so that she could have divorced at a younger age.

  I know the people here at Susan's Don't jump to those conclusions , but for the outsiders that I tell. Well I guess that just the life we have to live.

  Hugs, Roxy

And I for got to add,  and the Erocse's lived happily ever after.

To start with, Thank You for sharing your story.  It is hard sometimes to open ones self to others, especially others they may not know to well.

And dealing with the Tragedy that took place at such a young age.  That would weigh many a young person down.  But what is past is past and you have dealt with it.  The rest of your story is basically what most of us do.  Try religion, marriage, children and throw ourselves into work.  Most never get to stay with the family that they have created.  But you, dear sister, were blessed to have such a partner as you have in Patty.

It is so sad that most people don't understand what being transgender really means.  They don't seem to understand the daily battles with yourself.  They think you can just "control your urges".  That would be like asking a leopard to change their spots.

Your story is very moving Roxy.  And I am glad you and Patty are here.  I have been blessed to know both of you.

Quote from: Erocse on January 11, 2011, 11:34:19 PM
And I for got to add,  and the Erocse's lived happily ever after.

Indeed 

Ya'll are a cute couple

Wow, Roxy, that is quite a story!  Thank you for sharing it. My story is very mundane and unexciting in comparison. End result is different, but I think we will remain close friends and we have certainly remained friendly and supportive to the end.

We had a similar moment as the one you described where you tried to come out, but mine was 15 years into the marriage and I told her everything. There was a similar strain in our marriage, but it was caused by my extreme unhappiness. Sure, she wants to be married to a man, but though she has never said it, I think my unhappiness wore her down and led to her wanting out. Maybe she wasn't convinced things would get better. This makes me so sad and I have myself to blame.

Thank You Roxy,

I did tell my wife before we married. Couldn't really avoid it as I wore female clothing at home when she was their. And a night dress to bed. .
When I came out to my parents as a scared 13 year old, they were unable to accept it. My Dad was OK as long as I confessed my sin  , I gave up religion that day. Even as a 13 yr old I could see every hole in the logic and just accepted that there is no god. My Mum was so vehemently against the concept that her son could even want to wear girls clothes, want to marry and have babies, and want breasts and a vagina and marry. I remember the screams still. I was thirteen and a total and complete pervert. She even mentioned, out of my hearing, that she was thinking of telling the neighbours to protect their children from me.  My Dad did get around that. But I was subjected to a crew cut and couldn't be in my bedromm unless it was to sleep.  When I was fifteen she found me dressed in my sisters clothes. My Dad had already done so but he obviously hadn't mentioned it too Mum . I didn't think the screams could be louder but I think they were.
  At sixteen I went out as Cindy, with the help of my sister. She didn't seem to mind at all. Sadly I was brutalised and life changed. I left home at 17 and went to Uni, then I came to Australia.

I still find it strange that people cannot accept differences between people. Why they are right and others are wrong. Why they KNOW they are right. And YOU are wrong.

One of the many many many pleasures I have had growing with GID (even though I didn't know that for a long time) was being able to accept others. The realisation that there is no perfection. There is only the flawed.

My Love to you Roxy.

As you both know I appreciate your friendship and love.

Cindy

Thank you for sharing Roxy.  You two seem to have a wonderful relationship, so it's nice to know that sometimes a happily ever after does come out of hard times.  Enjoy your walking off into the sunset 

First things first, many hugs to you and Patty. You have come along way together.

Second, your story brought tears to my eyes. Your kindness and graciousness is something that can be felt and heard in each and every post that you publish. Your story is not one that is easy to imagine (for myself at least) a peaceful ending for, but somehow you have found it. You deserve each and every bit of love sent your way. I am sorry to hear just how much of yourself you have had to bury, and though it may not seem consoling, you have emerged victorious, beautiful, and with more people on your side than you could ever imagine.

In the short time that I have been at Susan's I have come to find each of your posts insightful, honest, and indicative of the type of love that we should all hope to have in our lives. Though some of us may struggle (and I pray that yours are behind you now, may you forgive yourself completely for the things that haunt you from your past) your story leaves us all hope. Though some of us may lose our SO's for now, or find someone else that can love us, and others may keep them indefinitely, ultimately you give us each hope that we can learn to love ourselves and those around us. That we can accept the truths that we bury within ourselves (not exclusively things that are TG related) and that we can learn to overcome the obstacles in our paths.

You are truly inspirational, Roxy. May you and Patty share the rest of your days surrounded by love and caring.

Thank you for sharing your story,

Hugs and awkward sways,

Jacquelyn

Roxy you are truly an amazing person. I'm sorry you had to go through that, especially so young! However you are a strong person to have worked through it. *hug* As for the happy ending, you and Mrs. Erocse are the cutest couple I've ever met. I'm lucky to know both of you

Oh Roxy. Thank you for telling your story. You had a tough youth but survived it and blossomed. As you and Patty know I'm close to telling my wife about my gender issues very soon and your story has helped. I don't know if she'll be as understanding as your Patty. One can only hope.
Thank you again,
Hugs hugs and more hugs.
Beth

Roxy, thank you for sharing your bitter-sweet story. I think you are very courageous and insightful. Patty and you are a wonderful couple and you deserve your happy ending.

Hugs, Alex

Roxy- you and Patty are two of lifes amazing people and i'm honoured to know you through this forum. Thank u for sharing your story- James x

Roxy, that's a great story.  I think you're lucky to have led such an interesting life.

Quote from: Alexmakenoise on January 14, 2011, 10:09:35 PM
Roxy, that's a great story.  I think you're lucky to have led such an interesting life.

I agree. When does the movie come out?

Jennifer

Thank you for sharing your story, Roxy. I can only imagine how hard it was for you as a youth. I didn't know that I was trans until 2005; and I was fifty-six! I always felt different but never ever tied it to a gender issue. Maybe I was spared a lot by not knowing.

You sound like you're really happy with your decision to transition and that's good. Self-acceptance is so important.

Gennee

Roxy, I read your story several days ago and I wanted to respond immediately but I just couldn't really articulate anything meaningful. I was so touched by your story that I have thought about it for days. It is so sad that you had to go through all that all alone...

Im so happy that you were finally able to open up to Patty and save your relationship with an amazing woman. I wish you both the best of everything in life and a "happily ever after".

Hugs to you both (w/an awkward sway), Stacy

Roxy:

Wow!  AMAZING story.  I'm floored. 

How amazing that you are willing to bare your soul like this and share with all of us.  We're honored, and I'm sure the others agree. 

The auto accident you describe blew me away.  Honestly, I don't know what to say about that.  What strength it must have taken for you to get over that. 

Many of us have had strained marriages because of our trans issues.  Honestly, Patty and you have easily the best and most amazing story I've ever heard of about a transperson and a spouse (significant other).  Really, your story WOULD make an awesome movie!  A movie like that would go a long, long way to educating people about transfolk and maybe getting some of them to empathize with us more.  Wishful thinking there, but we can hope. 

Most of the others here know you two much better than I do, but I can truly say both of you are two beautiful souls.  May your remaining years more than make up for the difficult ones. 

God bless both of you.   

This was not a easy post for me to write. Then again keeping the events of my past locked up inside me all these year has not easy either. After I wrote the post it took about a week to finally decide to post it. I was afraid that people might be judgmental or that some would not take the events of my past as seriously as they were to me.

As I said , "these posts are somewhat therapeutic for me."I feel so much better having  got this off my chest and out into the open. Thank you ALL for your kindness and compassionate responses.

  Hugs and love, Roxy

 

I know I probably sound like a broken CD player but THANKS FOR BEING AN INSPIRATION. 

I am very lucky too in that my wife has been very supportive. She knew about me even before I knew (well, not really but you know what I mean).  We are a young couple and feel lucky to be so in LOVE and we are being very positive with the whole transition.
Reading your story helps me prep for the outside world.
This is the kind of wonderful stories I look forward to when I visit Susans.
Again,
THANKS!

Roxy thank you for sharing that story too. I knew of the accident before we married. Only the most basic facts. Roxy and I may have briefly talked about it once. She never shared all of this with me before this post. I thought that it was a very private and difficult thing to talk about and never pried. I did not wish to pry into something that would cause her pain. I knew and she knew that when she was ready she would tell her story. I love you Roxy for your goodness and bravery.

Thank you, to those of you who left kind and understanding responses. Life is difficult and often painful. Knowing how to respond and be helpful is often a question mark. All of you have put your best compassionate effort forward as members of Susan's has come to be known for. I find myself grateful once again to all of you for being here for us. You are all treasures that Roxy has brought to our marriage. I am glad she introduced me to this site.

Love and Hugs to you Roxy, and to our family at Susan's.

Patty

Wow, this is an incredible story Roxy. THANK YOU so much for taking the time to share it. I guess I missed it the first time around.

Anyway, you both are so inspiring. Roxy you inspire me so much to follow my heart and be an open and honest person - you set a great example of that in your own life (after much pain).

Thank you and your wife for sharing your lives with us, I hope to meet you both in person one day.