Monday, January 10th, 2011

Groggy morning. Spent some time watching tv with mom. She went out to check the mail, hopefully the money has shown up, and it had. She went to run more errands. I was home, I shaved my upper legs, and dehaired my butt lol.

Called ********* about finding a therapist that deals with gender, left a message with him. I know my doctor had called him to advocate on my behalf, but I only found this out after calling my doctors office and having an awkward conversation with a receptionist who had no idea how to say Transgender. I am hoping that there will be a therapist that accepts my insurance as money is really tight. I know my doctor is willing to write me any referrals I need, just comes down to locating practitioners that accept my insurance.

When mom got back I had mentioned about going to a thrift store to get some clothing for me, as I had no female clothes to wear. Something I was always afraid to do by myself out of fear. Now that I had my mothers acceptance, and by large support we walked out to the local thrift stores.

My mind was numb, I was almost overwhelmed with excitement & fear. She was taking the lead in looking through the clothes, then we consulted on pieces that would fit me. This was my first experience purchasing female clothing, and it was made so much easier having my mother there with me. We found a few outfits, I found the cutest dark brown skirt with darling bells & beed accents, screams hippy sheek. A saucy skirt with several colors, primarily red, orange, with a splash of blue, it has slits up the sides to the knee. A cute blue top with rope tie bodice and white accents, a short black dress with flowing arms that will go great with leggings. A cute brown top with flower detailing and deep neck. And my first bra, albeit a sports bra, which makes me feel girly even while wearing a baggy tshirt.

Getting back I tired on the different clothing wearing my wig, I really liked the skirts and black dress, not sure if I quite like any of the clothing in combination with each other. Also not a fan of the tops being sleeveless. Only had so much to work with at the thrift store due to my size.

I still feel awkward with all of this and mom. She has been wonderful through everything, but I still feel weird being "girly" around her. I figure this is probably still me getting used to this side of me being okay to show around her after hiding it for so long in fear, years of that cannot be completely overcome in two weeks. As the days go by I notice this weird awkwardness fading.

I know that wearing / doing things that are seen as feminine make me feel, for a lack of a better way to explain it; better. Maybe it soothes my mind knowing that even though my body is male, i can still express and present some form of a female image. I by far, and large, feel like I have been given the wrong body. It's hard for me to to articulate how I know this for sure, but I do know that the vast majority of the population feels right being their gender given at birth,  and me feeling the way I do has to mean something is not right in my picture.....

After settling on an outfit for the night I headed for the kitchen to make breaded shrimp for dinner, in femme. I try to move a little more feminine while wearing the clothing. Was me being me.

I just don't like the feeling of being seen as a guy in a dress, even seeing myself in an awkward in between makes me feel off put, like I will never be able to present how I feel inside. Having the wig on helps me feel more femme and passable, although I really don't care for the style, it dose look pretty good pulled back though. Also looking at my eyebrows I just can't stand to see them while wearing the wig, even while not wearing the wig they bug me a lot. So far each day I have tried to be more fem, more me, and whatever I can do to make the smiling image of myself I see when I close my eyes a reality the better. I know right now I need to see a therapist in order to get HRT, at least that is my understanding... I am hopeful my insurance will cover it when I have a paper stating I have GID.

(Just thought I would share a page from my journal with you all)

Yep yep yep...i feel the same way sometimes lol

Dear Zoe,

I hate to say this but you sound like every girl who starts off . I'll never do this, I'll never pass, I'll never whatever. Hell girl you are looking damn good and you aren't on therapy yet, you are only getting use to styles and probably not practising make up, looks etc. Girls as they grow take years to develop their style, their 'look', they practice make up sessions on each other to see what another girl thinks her friend should look like. And guess what? For the big events, proms, weddings etc they then get professionals in to do it for them. I think in reality that grooms don't recognise their bride half the time . Our when she takes her make up off he thinks; 'did I marry her?'

Thrift shops are great to get the basics and build up ideas, particularly when money is tight, and we all know that feeling . As you get used to to Zoe she will develop her style; yes I want to show leg, no I don't, my boobs are a great feature, no they aren't; it's all part of growing. Take your time and enjoy.

You have a lovely relationship with your Mum.  Just my opinion, she deserves to have a happy, content and feminine daughter. A daughter who will share her life and give the love and support that daughters can. Mums and daughters have a very different relationship to Mums and sons, maybe share those thoughts with her. It is obvious that you love her and she you, build that love by being the woman you are, sharing the 'female' jobs. AS you are. Give her female rewards. As in ; OK Mum I'll do the wash, whatever - particularly things you didn't do in the home as Zoe.

Don't beat up on yourself. You are beautiful. It just takes time for us to accept ourselves.

Hugs
Cindy