So I realized that I didn't need to see the endo before starting T. I just need to see them sometime soon. My doc had said he'd write the prescription once I got the diagnosis, and the psych sent the diagnosis back to my doc saying he should give me T. For some reason.. I had thought I would need to wait for the endo, anyhow it hit me last night that this was not the case, and I called in today and made an appointment to go see my doc on Friday. I assume he'll send me for some bloodwork.. and assuming all is good it seems feasible that I can start T in a week or two...

yet I'm not stoked like I was a few months ago, and I can't figure out why. I live full timeand have for over 6 months now and doing that has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I just submitted my legal name and gender change. I can't ever see wanting to go back to living as female.. unless it like randomely happens when I'm 50... and that would be a real wtf moment. I don't want to go back to living as female, the thought horrifies me, I couldn't do it.. and yet still.. now that T is so close.. I'm not so desperate to get on it. Now if it was top surgery - I'd jump my ass right on that and be so stoked.. I donno. I can't figure out what has me.. less then excited to start T. I'm looking forward to most of the effects, and the other ones I can live with - no problem. The last few months have been rough, I spent a month at home.. and that was rather discouraging.. almost made me feel like giving up at times, and I know that alot of my religous friends are condemning me for this, and I'm like whatever.. and feel fine over this matter in the whole God religion realm... so i donno what's wrong with me here. :/. I know I'm scared of dealing with dad. I need to tell my mom before I start T, I respect her enough  and she's not going to have an issue with this, she's going to tell dad - which is likely neccessary since I see him so often. And he freaked out (still loves me) when I just came out to them - without saying for sure that I was going to do any of the permanent changes.. and I'm worried how he will take this. And I have a feeling that's playing a large portion into my doubt, but I still act like a scared little boy when dealing with dad.. and then there is this nagging feeling.. that ya know, maybe I could survive as female.. I wouldn't be happy.. but I could do it you know.. is it better to stay ones birth sex and be unhappy? Which of course the answer is no.. And really T isn't that huge of a step for me, I already pass, I already look more male then female and had difficulties in the past passing as female even when I wanted too.. so in that regards... the no going back isn't an issue for me.. because it's already been a life long issue. and randome thoughts like.. what if this is a mistake? (though I can't figure out why this would be a mistake at all... O_o) So Sigh. I hear thoughts like this are normal before HRT.. but it's freaking annoying, and I just needed to vent.

I figure I might try and get in a few counselling appointments before starting hormones, even if it means putting them off a few weeks.. so that I can figure out how to deal with dad.. and maybe sort through some of these.. weird feelings.. I donno. A few months ago when T was farther away.. I woulda given up a lot of things including my family to start T right then and there.. but now.. I guess maybe I'm just losing steam/trying to regain steam after being at home with my parents for over a month where I was only getting proper pronouns and name from a coupe friends/gf when I saw them, and the very last 2 days from my mom.

Blah *BRAIN VOMIT*

I'm sorry man. I hear the I was so sure when that I wanted to start T then I got close to starting and started to get nervous/ have doubts. I had the same thing happen. I mean I passed basically 99.9% of the time pre-t and am severely needle-phobic so I questioned it for a little bit.

Talking to a therapist and holding off for a couple weeks sounds like a very mature and smart idea if you feel you need it. Good luck with everything man. And congrats on starting T when/if you decide to for sure

meh now i feel depressed enough.. hehe.. shoot me up scotty. gimme my T. So tempting to go find a chainsaw and cut my chest off... *sick humor I know*.. but fark i hate these things. And gimme a penis DX! I don't want to be girly bodied. :/

Sure I'll range between being worried about T and wanting it so bad until I start. sigh.

meh thanks for putting up with my crap.. ahaha. Needed to spew it out somewhere last night. Feeling better today, gf pointed out that this is the first real step of transition. Sure I'm out, sure I've been living full time, sure I've change my name... but this is the first real step in transition. Its a big step. And there's a million factors playing in to it. I'm excited to take it, just need to work through these last minute nerves.. hehehe. Got an hour and a half appointment on monday to go talk about stuff O_o... Even though i think I didn't need it, I'm glad I put my name on the list for getting into counselling for this last Oct.

Eeee! and T in a few weeks. XDAppointment tomorow with the doc to go order blood tests and such. XD

Hey it's overwhelming sometimes, the need to talk and vent is understandable. Good luck getting bloodwork done tomorrow. I'd trade ya if I could. I wanted to get my name changed before starting T but starting T costed $300 less than getting my name changed. Congrats though man It's all coming together for you.

Appointment went well.. doc says he's fine with giving me the T, however he's never treated an ftm before so he needs to go research - anyhow I told him I have the official endocrinologist handbook with dosages and all the critieria etc., and he wanted that, so I gave him a copy. He's going to review it this week, then I have an appointment next friday again.

Was good and affirming, he says I seem a lot happier now then when he first knew me, and he said my biggest problem is likely going to be acne lolz.. he says I'm going to need to go on to acne medication.. as I'm already at a level where it would be considred... lol.

Little weired out when he asked about family.. and how they were coping. I told him dad was religous.. and he's talked about that for a minute.. then said yeah, while WE might not be accepting, it's something that needs to be respected.
I was really shocked that he suggested that he might not be accepting either - because he's the only doctor listed in the southern half of our province that will openly deal with trans, and he's been so good all along. O_o.. maybe it was just a verbal f up.


So very excited to start, except for the whole dad thing.