Hi Shelly, this is also Shelly,
I don't hang out much in the androgen forum, but I was messaged by another member that frequents this one, so thought I'd check it out. I consider myself MTF as I am in transition, but I am in the very androgynous stage and having a hard time taking "that" next step to FULL TIME. Your post is very much how I have felt and still feel at times. Many of the comments made I can relate with.
Quote from: shelly on January 14, 2011, 06:08:32 AMlike me, who at times feels like i am the only one on this planet who feels this way.
I had felt this way most of my life and even though I have accepted my GID 70% and found other people similar to me, I still feel like this. Part of the reason being is the 30% I have not accepted. Like you I have searched most of my life for a cure I feel so many other TS's have not done this. I read about some that embrace themselves that look at this as a blessing. I'm not saying its wrong, its just that's the complete opposite of the way I feel. I have come to realize transition is the only cure, but in my head I don't think I am 100% sold on that. I have read about some trans, that they're dysphoria is gone after a year or two of RLE. My biggest fear is, my dysphoria will not be cured until SRS. I am seeing a GP, I have told him many of my thoughts, I have even told him I would like to focus more on reasons "not" to transition. We have since abandoned that idea. I feel my main reason for not giving in, is society and my children. What will people think, what will my children think? I don't dwell on society as much as my children. I'm truthfully, not afraid of my children not loving me no more. I feel I have raised them very well and this is not my fear, even though I know it still may happen. My fear with my children is one of acceptance, and fear of other people not accepting them. I feel that telling my children, "Oh, your Dad is really a girl" will completely F*** their life up. I Love them so much and am trying to make sure they them selves don't screw up in life, and now I'm the one that's going to screw them. It's not fair to them, if I transition and it's not fair to them if I live in turmoil. I'm totally screwed either way, if I continue my life the way it was or if I continue transitioning.
Quote from: shelly on January 14, 2011, 06:08:32 AM.At times months can pass and i feel almost normal, as if i am "cured" then out of the blue and like a bolt of lightening "she" returns
Its taken me years to realise exactly what i am and what i need to do to right the things i believe are wrong,
Many many times! I believe now, the times I didn't feel this way, were the times I accepted my self to be male and tried my best. I had to finally come to the conclusion, it won't go away, it will be there always! It did take a traumatic life event for me to realize that, unfortunately it may take that for you and others. Even though I am trying to make things "right". I still very much fear this is wrong, this is just not right to do. I hope once I get to that 100% mark of self acceptance this will go away.
Quote from: shelly on January 14, 2011, 06:08:32 AMMy end game in all this i feel is getting boobs.
Yes this was a big issue for me as well. Mostly because, to me breasts are a very strong female gender marker. I had considered myself a cd for the most part of my life, for MYSELF the breasts, hair, clothing; mannerisms and so on defined the female gender. Since accepting myself as a transsexual and maybe also the HRT, I now feel it's what's inside me that defines my gender. Yes, I now have the breasts, I have my hair, and my body is looking more feminine. None of that matters, I still am not able to show the real me, the one inside. I have let some of those feelings come out; I still have a ways to go. Back in my cd days I had little fear of presenting female in public. I have presented female at times since the age of 15. At 25 I was minutes away from going on hrt (black market) I passed at times, other times not. I didn't care. I had to show the world who I really was, and this was the way I did it. I think back though and wonder what the heck I was thinking! LOL. It is now that I have that fear. I have only presented female 3-4 times in the last year and a half. Even now if I am to present, I change very little about my self, little more makeup, different top, earrings and bam, I'm Shelly. Even though I pass very well when presenting, I still feel like I am trying to put on a show. I would like to get to the point that I don't have to add anything to present who I am. I am getting close to that point. This is how I have planned my transition. I never wanted to just come out one day and "say you can call me Shelly now" Would it be great to do it that way? Maybe. I sometimes think the way I am doing it, is much harder, because I also feel that I'm putting on a show while presenting male.
Quote from: shelly on January 14, 2011, 06:08:32 AMOr to mention results of the Cogiati i have taken several times, would not recommend transitioning fully, but a partial transition could be helpfull.
This Cogitate test is BS, I think I took it once for S&G's and I was totally honest maybe even too honest, I didn't want to flaw the results! AMAZING! It recommended transition. Whatever! There is one test you can take. It is the test of letting go, let go of all preconceived thoughts of your self and even others. I sound really good at telling you this, but this is something I still have to do my self.
You also mentioned, you feel isolated at times. I have become very isolated since accepting myself as trans. It is of my own doing. I know I could stop much of this, if I just came out. I think my mind is in a better place since hrt, but I have not been able to embrace these good feelings, mainly because of still living my life as a male, I have isolated myself for fear of not liking to show "him" anymore and for fear of "her" showing up at "him" times, but all my anxiety comes from not being MYSELF.
Shelly, if you ever need to talk, feel free to message me.
Take Care
Shelly