In a bit less than 48 hours I will be vacating the home my wife and I worked so hard to build together. I don't know if I will ever have that domestic sort of life again or if I will spend the rest of my days alone in a 1bdr apartment. Susans seems to be flooded lately with spouses and loved ones who have decided to stay and work things out and I am left to wonder why my marriage ended. Did we not love each other enough? Was my old GID tortured self so disagreeable that she didn't want to stick around? I don't know the answer to these questions. I just know I have until Sunday to pack my things. After church and lunch I will say my goodbye and hope to see you soon and drive off. My sister will drive the first leg as I will be a mess. I hope I can keep it together for the sake of my son till I get to the car. In the meantime, I have been crying all day today and I can't stop.

Im so sorry to hear youre feeling down. If it means anything, at least youre still on good terms with your former wife. You will be in my prayers, Im hoping the best for you Melody.

Melody love, we're here for you, always.

Quote from: Melody on January 14, 2011, 04:31:07 PMWas my old GID tortured self so disagreeable that she didn't want to stick around? I don't know the answer to these questions.

Oh, Melody, please don't torture yourself.  Sometimes it just doesn't work out.  Perhaps she found it too painful for her to see you as a woman.  I know that's the case with my wife.  She said last night "I can't look at you."  But it wasn't said in a mean way, it was just a sad statement of her pain.  That's why I know that it's right for me to move out as soon as I can.  Maybe your wife is showing anger.  That's a stage in the grieving process.  It will pass.  Just be strong, girl.  I know it's hard, but it's all we've got.  You have better days ahead.  Trust in that.

Sis, I remember the day I left my old home.  To this day I get very emotional over that day.

But it is also the day I began to truly live as the real me.  You will have days that you can't bear, but live through them.  You will come out stronger in the end.  Look forward to your knew life.

Thank you ladies. I hate wallowing in this depression. I know that it will lead to better things in a life where I can be me, but we were together for 19 years when you count our courtship in college. Combined with missing my son, it is nearly more than I can take. I will live through this. "This too shall pass" and all that, but for now it feels like hell.

Colleen, no she is not showing anger. She has been through all those stages, and with the help of counseling, has arrived at what she feels is a happier place. I really do think that the stress of dealing with my crap over the years contributed to her decision to end it. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that yet.

As one who is in a lifetime relationship all I can do is repeat what my therapist said.  She told me that some wives love the person and some love the image.  You no longer are her image as a life-mate.  I'm so sorry that this might be the reason in your case but then I find the breakup of any relationship sad.

I'm very sure you'll find the one for you who will love you as a person and respect you for who and what you are.  There are a lot of wonderful people out there and I'm sure you'll find one.

Teresa

Quote from: Angela + Maria Forever on January 14, 2011, 04:42:30 PM
Im so sorry to hear youre feeling down. If it means anything, at least youre still on good terms with your former wife. You will be in my prayers, Im hoping the best for you Melody.

Yes, it does count for quite a lot that we are friends. It made a difficult situation smoother. However, be it rocky or smooth divorce leads to the same conclusion. I still have hopes we can amicably deal with birthdays and holidays in the future.

You and Maria are also in my prayers. You both give me hope.

You are now part of a huge family and we're all here for you Melody

{{{HUGS}}}

Melody, In the short amount of time you have been here at Susans you have shown tremendous persoal acceptance and growth. The posts you have written over the past few days showing your happiness and excitement In exploring the newfound glory of being you, yes you, have placed a huge smile on my face. You have had a taste of the happiness to come... and you know what they say about happy people? They are never alone. You have your friends and family here at Susans, and when you move your internal and external happiness will simply draw people to your side.

Don't try to doubt me, Its a proven fact that Im nearly always right. I know things are tough, I won't deny that, but time will heal the pain on both ends. Just keep your head up and your heart open to love.

We love you and believe In you. You are strong and beautiful, and that Isnt going to change.

Love, hugs, and awkward sways,

Jacquelyn

I'm sad that you are sad-you are where I would be if I went ahead with my transition-only you have a place to go. Try to not have too much emotion when time for leaving comes-especially in front of your son. Show him you are calm and this is the right thing to do. Try not to show your fears for his sake.  I know it will be difficult-you are strong and you can do this. Then when you are alone let your fears surface and let them go. Then afterwards you can be focused again upon what you need to do next. You have people here who care for you-don't forget that.
Randi

Quote from: Jacquelyn on January 14, 2011, 06:24:53 PMDon't try to doubt me, Its a proven fact that Im nearly always right.

Quote from: Jacquelyn on January 14, 2011, 06:24:53 PMWe love you and believe In you. You are strong and beautiful, and that Isnt going to change.

This.

I know how you feel, Melody, I know exactly how you feel.  I spent the day at work trying hard not to cry, and not always succeeding.  I woke up this morning and cried.  My wife had to hand me some Kleenex.  As she was dropping me off at work, she offered me her cheek to kiss goodbye, as she has been doing for a while now (since she stopped kissing me on the lips), and I couldn't help emitting a few sobs and shedding a few tears.  As I was getting my things out of the back, I looked at her, and she was looking at me with tear-filled eyes, and an expression that said, "I know..."  It's terribly sad, but we must go on.  And I'm sure, because I've heard this from people who know, I'm sure it gets better, and happiness returns.  I continue to believe in the rainbow.

Well far be it from me to argue with all of you ladies. Especially Jacquelyn since she is proven always right! LOL!

I need time, separation and the chance to be me to feel better. Colleen, you need the same prescription.

Quote from: Melody on January 14, 2011, 07:46:13 PMColleen, you need the same prescription.

I know.  Too bad we live too far apart to get together for drinks a-la Desperate Housewives or Sex And the City... 

I can only say that your deep sadness touched me. I had to cry reading your post, broke down and shared with my partner. I don't know why she and I are blessed to be able to stay together; I am so grateful that we have what we have and I wish I could help you and your wife also stay together. But each of us is different and has our own path. May your new life bring you much happiness. And blessings on your sister for being there for you.
Ruby

Dear Melody,

Tomorrow is a new day and everyday we all must focus on the postitive. No matter how small it is acknowledg the good and pleasant things in your life each day. We have to choose to feel good. Write what thoughts are allowed in that day. Keep focused on what is allowed and limit the structure of your day to those constructive thoughts. When you find yourself thinking the sad ones remind yourself that is not part of your day. Create your destiny.

We are sorry that you are having such a tough time. I know there are few times in life that are more difficult to get through. The above advice is part mine and part of what my brother told me on how he got through seriously sad and discouraging times. It helps me when I want a day to be better. Just hoping it does the same for you.

Many Hugs.
Roxy & Patty

Thank you all. I am touched that my message of grief has seen such encouraging responses and struck a deep chord with some of you. I will do my best to keep it together when I leave and I will report from the road periodically.

My youngest sister (I actually have three and I am the oldest) has been wonderful. She dealt with her own hard times with a divorce and has been so helpful. She is even going to take me somewhere special for my 40th next month. After a lifetime of keeping myself distant from family it has been special to reconnect fully with her.