Yesterday I finally did what I both have had an intense fear of, and a lifelong desire to do. I finally got the courage to go out to dinner and a move in "girl" mode (okay, not really a movie. More on that later.)

I have to say I was surprised.

I've spent much of my entire life with deep fears about what might happen if I were to show "the world" the real me, deep fears about my ability to "pass", and fears of the unknown. I say I was surprised because what I found out was that the world just doesn't care that much.

It started last week when I went to a local trans support group and got a few compliments about my androgynous look (which I took as a huge compliment). I haven't started E, so I'm not full time or anything like that. I picked out my favorite light blue sweatshirt, and nicest jeans, and put my hair back and swept my bangs to the side and pinned them there. I wasn't wearing any makeup or anything, but it all did soften my face a bit I guess.

I was so inspired by the compliment that I finally decided this weekend I would go for something that's closer to "me". I wore the same light blue sweatshirt, and same pants, but this time I worked on my hair longer and tried to make it nice and clean, swept the front bangs across, and put on foundation, clear mascara, and lip gloss. I definitely felt cute! It was some of my nicest "boy" clothes, with a little of a "girly" look I guess.

So we went out, my wife, sister and I. First to dinner, and then to hear Michael Pollan speak here in Seattle.

We walked into the restaurant we wanted to go to, but it was full. I was standing there feeling a little nervous, but soon realized that nobody was staring at me. People did look up when we walked in, but then went right back to their dinner. Well, one girl was looking over at us, but she looked a little bored with her dinner date to be honest and was probably just noticing the door open and people walk in as a distraction from her date

Anyway, we went to another place (Pizza) and same thing. They sat us down and people just saw us come in, then didn't really give us any special attention. I was amazed at how easy it was. Here I had visions of people pointing and laughing, or throwing their food at us, or getting drug out to some back alley.... blah blah blah you know the story. Some of you reading this probably have had your mind race over these same issues. It's silliness.

I paid with my credit card (boy name on it) and the waitress said nothing. She clearly didn't care she just wanted a tip. Maybe she wasn't even paying attention. And we were off.

On our way into the parking garage at Benaroya Hall I stopped at the gate and handed the attendant our $11. He was standing above the car and couldn't really see my face or hair. Seeing just my arm and chest (which is basically flat) he said "thank you sir", but as he leaned over to hand me my change he saw my face and said, "oh, thank you maam. Sorry about that." It was all very genuine - I don't think he was double-reading me or flattering me or anything - just reacting.

Anyway, we sat in one of the boxes during the event so we had a good view of the audience. It felt very good to be surrounded by well over a thousand people, and yet feel like I blended in. It wasn't weird at all (except weirdness I myself was experiencing by everyone's non-reaction) We had a really nice night. We even rode very crowded elevators three times, and I think maybe a couple or three people looked twice at me - but they didn't really "care" either you know.

I just want to post this because first off I'm really proud of myself (and grateful to those who gave me a little encouragement like Jerica and others at the meeting), but also to serve as a source of courage to others.

In reality you are much more beautiful than you give yourself credit for. Not only this, but even if you go out not looking completely "girly" (or "manly") it's really okay - people really don't care. They have their dinner, or their movie, or their life they are attending to. I know many others have written about their experiences here, but it's another thing when you experience validation of how much of a non-big-deal it is.

I am eternally grateful to the community at Susans (and Erocse and Jerica), and to my local trans support group peers for helping inspire me to take this step. And to my sister who gave me courage by telling me I looked cute and going out with us. And especially to my wife, who I know doesn't want to see her "man" become a woman, but who shared this memorable night with me in grace, and support.

Congratulations!
Thank you so much for posting this. I too want to go our in girl mode but feel the same fears so it is nice to hear. I still have the same fears so it will be a while until I get the courage to do it. I'm really glad this went well for you. Again, thank you for sharing.
-M

Thank you for posting!

I'm planning on going to my next support group meeting in fem, first time outside the house. This gives me some encouraging, thank you!

That's so wonderful! I'm so glad your first time was so positive for you!

It's a wonderful feeling when you can show the world who you are and you be accepted.

This was the strangest revelation for me too. I'm in a small town. It IS a collage town, but it's far enough south that there are more churches than academic buildings. I was very worried when I first presented in public. But to my surprise, nothing... No one cares. Yes, you may see a friend or acquaintance, but that is quite rare and if you're already out to them the chance of getting yelled at was lower than I had imagined.

Now that said, I do keep to public places and I don't tend out alone too often. I'm sure if I went to some of the shadier parts of town all alone, I could find trouble. Just use a bit of sense and you should be good.

Yeah Abby I agree that it's good to stick to public places and if you can go out with one or two other people. I think this is what really helped make my first time so nice. I really wanted to just be as "normal girl" as I could (despite my non-girly body, and no HRT), and it went okay!

Perlita, I am a very fortunate person to have found the wife I have. To be honest, she struggles with the thought of my transition a lot and we certainly have an unknown path ahead, but she also loves and supports me in being who I am. As a matter of fact, she has helped me with acceptance of myself a lot. She's such an intelligent and compassionate woman and I love her dearly. I hope we can make it through. I am so glad she was there the first time, even though I think it was not as big an event for her (or my sister)

I am so happy for you, Madelyn !!!!

I was so excited to get your massage and then read your post. My heat is beating fast just thinking about your wonderful night. With your sister and wife that just makes it all the more amazing.

  This it like the first long big climb up the hill on a roller coaster, and all the fear and anticipation that goes with it. When you finally get to the top, there is a little pause then down you go.  Except in our case it's up we are going .

  I love happy beginnings !!!!

   I can't wait to hear more of your up coming journey.

   Hugs to the new girl in town, Seattle look out!! , Roxy

Sorry about the type-o. I got a little over excited. I was going to change it but I thought it was so hilarious I just  had to leave it.

  Hugs , Roxy

Madelyn,
I remember my first time out.
I was alone and went to a local mall.
At first I was so nervous that I was shaking (sure that everyone was looking) and keep walking, looking down at my shoes.
I glad I didn't bump into anyone.
But I stared peeking and noticed that no one was starring or even looking at this weird person.
Before long I relaxed and by the time I had went around the mall twice I was on cloud nine.
It was wonderful just to be able to be me in public.
Oh I am so happy for you dear.
Go girl go.
Jillieann

Congrats!

My first time out and about as a girl was also something that gave me butterflies in my stomach, thinking about. I was nervous up until the point I walked out the door all dolled up and pretty... but the fear soon turned into the relief.

I had a similar feeling when I went full time back in March. I was terrified about walking into my classroom and facing the judgment of my peers. Within a week of coming out at school, however, I stop caring about what other people opinions of me, and just started to be myself, for myself... and let people see the real me.

Isn't it so true that the greatest fear is fear itself. Suddenly you will find you have been out half a dozen times, met the neighbours. Been seen on the front lawn collecting the newspaper (this might be an Australian phenomena) in your nightie. And the pizza delivery guy starts to call you honey.


Congratulations.

And you other girls don't think about it, Do it
Cindy

QuoteAnd you other girls don't think about it, Do it

I second that Cindy.
Totally agree.
It such a freeing expericence. Fear is are worst enemy.
Jillieann

Quote from: CindyJames on January 17, 2011, 02:01:25 AM
And you other girls don't think about it, Do it

My favorite quote from Mr. Tim Curry... "Don't dream it, be it."

It's hard, but once you let go of your fear and self-repression that the rest of the world places on your shoulders, how can you do anything but be who you really are?

You guys are all so right.

To anyone who is feeling scared I now know what all these girls have been talking about. It's not like you think it will be like - it's so much better.

Congratulations! that is a big step, but always seems less frightening in retrospect

Hugs
Kaylee

QuoteAnd you other girls don't think about it, Do it

Absolutely.

I'm gonna do it tomorrow, though I've been out all week and been mistaken as a girl so many times that I think I'm already doing it.

I sure can see why Ellie by your photo in The Official MTF "Do I Pass" Thread .
Have fun girl.

As Cindy said:

Quote from: CindyJames on January 17, 2011, 02:01:25 AM
And you other girls don't think about it, Do it

and with confidence and be yourself.

Kind regards
Sarah B

Guys,

DO NOT BE AFRAID

You will do fine. Just plan a small, nice outing (hopefully with a friend). Don't go over dressed, just shoot for a regular girl look. Go to a safe, public place. And just be you.

Everything will be okay!

Hey Madelyn!

Thanks a lot for this post, it really gives some courage and actually encourage me to go and try it out myself. I gotta admit I am not there, and I had never really considered how it would be to actually do it, but reading your account seriously gets me thinking that this can be done.

You should take pride knowing that partly because of you, when the time comes, I won't be afraid (Apart from pissing my pants in nervousness, but hey, adult diapers must be of some use!)