I haven't been on here in ages, I tend to stay away from the computer when I'm not feeling crappy.

Anyways, life's a real bitch, but I'm starting to learn how to cope with it properly, not destructively like I have done in the past. My mum and me had our first real conversation about my sexual and gender orientation. It wasn't fun. It didn't really get us anywhere, but I'm starting to understand how she feels about me.

She pulled the oh-so-heard-of "How do you know?", and while I thought I'd be able to answer that, I couldn't. So I just blabbered a bunch of BS, which she could obviously tell was a bunch of BS. Apparently she thinks I'm not transgender, since I wasn't a butch kid. She talks about how she knows when a kid, female or male, is gay by the way they act, so she'd be bound to know if her own child was transgender. Though I disagree with this statement completely, she does have a point. I was a pretty girly kid. But so is my brother, and I don't see her worrying about him.

Then she go's on to say that everything I've done to myself in the past few years was just self hatred, including wanting to chop off my moobs, and while this holds true to a variety of things, it has no connection to me being TG, or at least how she thinks it does. TG is not the result of self hatred. Its the result of being a lonely s.o.b, with low self esteem.

So...
TG = Self Hatred
Because no sane, self-loving person would ever do this to themselves. Only psycho, self loathing people do this much to try and lead a life where they're happy with how they appear, and who there perceived to be 

I feel like such a freak when I talk to her about this stuff. I know I am, and usually I'm proud to be the freak I am,  I take no ->-bleeped-<- from no one, but my mother is different.
"You think wanting to chop off your breasts and sew on a dick is totally sane?"
Just the way she puts it makes me cringe. She says it as it is, though she's not exactly correct.

I just had a falling out with a close friend of mine as well, and not to mention I've been packing on the pounds lately. I have a feeling this month isn't going to be too great...

I know, I know, I need to grow thicker skin

I feel ya man, I'v always like to be the freak in art collage but now its turning out I'm only a 'freak' because I'm trans and not because I'm an artist ... its not amusing because I don't even like attention.


nah, trouble with this is ,and even tho I don't know how old you are, we have to deal with it pretty much every second of our lives. They forget we put up with this ->-bleeped-<- daily, we are only human !

Being gay/bi/straight/whatever IS NOT A BEHAVIOR!
It's not a taste in clothes, or a taste in music, or a taste in movies, or a taste in food.
It's not being polite, or tidy, or happy, or messy, or impolite, or untidy.

It's a physical and emotional attraction to other human beings.
That is all.

Yes, Many gay people exhibit some cross-gender behaviors, but those behaviors are also found in straight folk, and those behaviors don't mean they're gay. Being physically and emotionally attracted to the same gender is what means they're gay.

I don't have to check the mirror for my gender identity.
I don't have to look in my pants to know if I'm male or female.
Cisgender people don't have to check the mirror or their underwear either.
You could tie them up and deprive them of all their senses, and they'd still know, innately, whether they are male or female.
A man can be horribly maimed in an accident and lose his penis, and he'll still identify as a man. (Though the whole penis-culture might make him feel deep shame which he'd understand as being "less of a man" without his penis.)

It SHOULD make people go O.O!! when they consider the amount of physical pain you're willing to go through.
You should call her on the whole "cut off the tits and attach a penis" line.
Yes!
NO ONE would do that if they had an alternative, less painful, easier way of making their lives livable.
Tell her that she's on to something, that she should imagine how much pain your chest must be causing you, how much stress it's inflicting on you, for you to be willing to risk such pain, not to mention the possibility of complications.
How much pain would something have to cause her for her to consider cutting it off.

Yes, there's something wrong with us, obviously!
No "healthy" person would go through all of this for no good reason.
The amount of stress and psychological pain a human feels when it's not able to be itself is immense!
That pain, that stress, is caused by something, by the body and the brain being wired in separate directions, by the mismatch.

Yes, transition is serious and shouldn't be taken lightly, but just for that reason alone it seems stupid to brush the reasons for pursuing it off as something trivial!

Ugh...
I'm in a ranty/irritated mood.

I can't talk for everyone else, but I love my body, and I love it more every small step I take towards making it right for me.
I have never "hated" my body. It's just never fit me.
I've learned to live with what I know I can not do, though that's been a great challenge to me and I can't help but to hold out a sad little light of "what if" and wish for the day they could do more for me, but I've learned not to count on it, or hope for it so much it interferes with what I got.

Transition is something I can do. I can correct a certain number of things about my body that I feel a deep, internal drive to correct.

I am doing it for me.
Not for privilege.
Not for escapism.
Not for other's comfort nor discomfort.
Not for men.
Not for women.
Not for fashion.
Not for work.
Not for sports.
It's for me, for myself, so that I can feel more comfortable within my own skin.

Being more comfortable in my own skin is a gift for those around me.
I can't take care of others if I can't take care of myself.
Being happier, healthier, more balanced, less suicidal, will be good for my relationship with my husband and daughter.
It'll be good for my relationships with friends and other family as well, because I'll actually have something to give.

Being this stressed, this hurt, this worn down by something that I can changed, is something that wears me down, that steals away a large part of me, from me and from everyone who I share my life with.

Ramble ramble...
Gonna stop here.

Many of us are depressed and maybe even self hating.  But that's caused by us being TG and our bodies being wrong, not the other way around...