Got up this morning and was feeling melancholy. Started talking to Sara on IM and showing her old photos. That got me started thinking about my dad. I wonder how he would have handled this? What would he have said? He thought homosexuality was a sin, but he was also very kind and tolerant. He never stopped asking my why I was so sad until he died and I never told him. He never met Melody and that makes me unbelievably sad. I know he would not have stopped loving me, but would he have accepted? My heart says yes, eventually, but not for awhile. Maybe even a long while. I don't think he would ever have understood though.

Anyway, I miss him a lot. My transition sorta shut down my feelings of grief over his death, but now that I have reached a point where I feel more settled about things, they are coming back. I made the following video for his funeral and I made the mistake of watching it this morning and cried like the girl I am. I know this is a bit like looking through someone else's photo album, but I hope you all like it anyway. I am the little baby he is holding about half-way through and the sharp-eyed will see a bunch of different versions of me. Just not Melody. Very heavy sigh.

No adios, hasta luego. El tiempo vendrá cuando se reúna de nuevo.

Oh Melody, I feel for you. Hugs!

My Dad passed away about 4 years ago. I didn't grieve much at the time because we knew I had been coming for almost 2 years but there are times I cry when I think about him.

I sometimes wonder how my Dad would have handled me transitioning too. I think he would have had a hard time but I know that he loved me very much and that I would always be his child. Now you have me crying too.

From the photos I could see that he loved his family very much. I think your dad would have been the same.

@Tamaki, thanks for the hugs and heartfelt words.

@LordKAT, estás lleno de sorpresas! Si, tienes razón.

Melody,

That was one of the most beautiful and heart felt videos I've ever seen.

I am grateful and priviledged that you should share it.

I so much wanted my own dad to acknowledge me as his daughter. In my mid 20s, when I was trying to femininse my behaviour, I tried, for a while, calling him daddy. He didn't seem to mind very much. But his reaction when I tried to touch his hair, or cuddle him left me feeling dirty and shameful.

To be honest love, I think we were dealing with a differnt generation, with different values. A generation that had been brought up to believe in the need for men to be men.

Like you, I would have so much wanted to share my life with my dad, and my mum. For different reasons neither happend.

Take care lovely Melody. Thank you so much, again.

Melody,

I am now crying.  I also lost my Dad About four years ago.  My Mom before that.  I am truly an orphan, save my family here.  I miss them very very much.  Like you I often wonder if they would be happy to see their daughter now.

Or like so many would I be left out in the cold.  I would hope they would like to see me happy for a change.

Melody

I know how much that hurts, believe me. Forgive me for sharing a bit of my own story here but I hope it may help you to know that you are not alone in these feelings. Also I so agree with everyone, that video was really moving.

I first came out to my parents between the age of 4 and 5 years old. Just before I turned 5 My father died of cancer.

For years I lived with the fear that I was unlovable because I was trans, and that my father had gone away because I had let him down - effectively that I had killed him. It wasn't until I was many years postop that Alison took me to his memorial and helped me to let go of all that hurt.

I often wonder if he understood. Back when he died, his death caused my mother to allow my gender no conforming behaviour because she simply didn't have the stamina to confront it, and the child psychologist told her that because of the bereavement situation it was most important to let me feel loved (and of course that I would probably grow out of it.)

Anyway in consequence the result of my fathers death was that my life inadvertently became easier, and even my eventual stepfather came to accept my strange life.

Eventually I realised that and of course I felt very guilty, and indeed frightened that perhaps my dad would not have understood. Anyway one day I talked to my mother about this fear. She turned to me and simply said "He really loved you, you silly girl! Yes he would have worried at the start, but once he saw that you were happy of course he would have understood."

I'm similarly sure that your father loved you deeply, and because of that I'm sure that once he understood that you are happy, he would have understood."

I too also lost my dad 4 yrs ago on barack obamas birthday while i was campaigning in NH for him and drove 14 hours to virginia to have him die in my arms 5 minutes later.. http://my.barackobama.com/page/community/post/danielleclarke/Cp7k

I know my dad and grandmom are above watching over me and so we must make them proud of everything we do..

i am sure you will make your dad proud.

I think a lot of us probably have daddy issues. It can be a very complicated relationship between a dad and the child he thinks is his son.

Mine was tough and disciplined in my youth and soft and heartfelt in his old age. Not to mention prone to breaking out in tears. My mom says he greatly regretted how tough he was with me. It was very sad and I couldn't tell him how I felt.

Thank you for the kind comments on the video. I wasn't certain you wouldn't just find it boring. It was originally made for my dad's 60 birthday in 2003. I then put in more recent photos and added his favorite song "En mi Viejo San Juan" to the end for his funeral in May of 2010. The lyrics to that add quite a bit of meaning. You can find the english and spanish versions on this wiki page. My dad born in NY, but both his parent were from Puerto Rico.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noel_Estrada

Quote from: M2MtF2FtM on January 29, 2011, 05:28:03 PM
I too also lost my dad 4 yrs ago on barack obamas birthday while i was campaigning in NH for him and drove 14 hours to virginia to have him die in my arms 5 minutes later.. http://my.barackobama.com/page/community/post/danielleclarke/Cp7k

I know my dad and grandmom are above watching over me and so we must make them proud of everything we do..

i am sure you will make your dad proud.

Ok, that made me cry too. My dad was on life-support and basically gone when my mom made the decision to stop the machines. I can't fault her for that, but I do wish I had had a chance to fly down and say goodbye.

@Jenny, your thoughtful posts are always appreciated. This one really struck through to my heart. I've always felt unlovable because I was trans. I need to tell myself that I am attractive, worthy of love and there is nothing wrong with me. Still have trouble believing that in my heart. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have that somehow linked to my father's death in my mind as well. I'm sorry you had to live with that pain.

Also like you, my father's death was at least partially responsible for my transition. I now see it as his last gift to me. The one thing he couldn't do in life (make me a happy person) he was able to do as his final act. For awhile, I lost the tight emotional control of my GID and was overwhelmed with dysphoria. I realized I didn't want to die with regrets, but I still wasn't brave enough to do anything about it.

It was actually just before coming back here in July of last year that I discovered Susan's and realized I was just like all of you. I drove my son to Florida, an emotional mess the whole way because I knew what I wanted to do, and somewhere around Mobile AL I got the overpowering urge to kill myself by driving off the I-10 into the water. I think I would have if I hadn't looked into the back seat at my own son sleeping away peacefully and blissfully unaware that his daddy was making a life or death decision and just by being there he had brought me back from the brink. I made it to Florida and spent the week crying and saying goodbye to my old way of life. I took my son to Disney and I knew this would be the last time that he thought of me as simply his dad. Good god that was terrible. My dysphoria was at an all time high and all the teenage girls walking around the parks were driving me insane with jealousy.

At the end of the trip, I sat down and wrote out my intro to Susan's and joined all of you fine people. I drove home the 14 hours crying all the way. Got home, got out of the car, went for a walk with my ex and came out to her. That was the end of Domingo and the beginning for Melody.

i forced my dad to get over it or else!!! He caved and said fine...my parents have always wanted a daughter, especially after 4 boys i was their last effort to have a girl. lol