Hey everyone - been a long time since I've come around here. Since I last dropped in things have progressed a lot for me, mostly in terms of my relationship. The gender dysphoria is a much more open topic between my boyfriend and I and something we discuss pertaining to the future. Every time we've discussed it in the past year he's said that he'll support me no matter what I do, and that he loves me regardless of gender.

It was mostly my relationship that kept me feeling like I should stay the way I am - so, that said, I'm trying to figure out whether transitioning would be for me or not. Some days I feel like I'm fine with being an androgynous "girl," and other days it all feels wrong.. and I'm trying to work it out and determine whether my gender is really that fluid or if I'm so back and forth because of the fact that I went back in the closet and convinced myself that I'm fine the way I am. I used to be so sure that I wanted to transition, so I think I have a lot of damage to undo.

So what are some important things to take into consideration when deciding whether or not to transition? I don't want anybody to answer it all for me, just some insights that might give me things to think about and help me figure out what'd be best for me. I'm not making the choice for another few years or so anyway - some part because I want to live out of my hometown for a while and see if I feel any happier with myself then, and another part because I really doubt my parents (mostly my mom) will want to have any part in it and that makes it hard to get any therapy right now. I'm just trying to take it slow and work myself out in the meantime.

So what made you personally decide to go through with it? What things weighed most heavily on your mind before you did, and what pushed you to the final step? Any advice or words of caution? Care to share some of your experiences? I appreciate anything that will give me things to think about, haha.

I decided NOT to do any transition. The thing is, lots of people come to different conclusions on making decisions like that. Different life circumstances are so varied that it's hard to just some up with some generalized advice - because one piece of advice can totally apply to one person but not to another.

From reading most people's responses and personal accounts on here it seems that for most it was the "last resort" option ... that they actually could not live another day in the body they were born with without any modifications to make the body fit the mind more. Many people take into consideration all the ways their lives will change if they transition. It's not just family and friends, but your school or work, visits to the doctor when you're sick, everything. If after you do a full transition there are still times where you will have to say you're not a bio male (like the doctor). So no matter what, you still have to be comfortable with some aspects of how your life will be.

If you're going back and forth between male and female, then it might help you to actually live as male for awhile. I know that's not always easy to do if you don't look very male and for all intents and purposes all your ID and everything is female. But if you've got support from your significant other, friends, etc. you might be able to pull of a "part time" thing - where that grouping of people treat you as male. See if that floats your boat.

Also a perspective I'm interested in hearing - gender dysphoric but choosing not to transition, for one reason or another.  Anything that gives me food for thought, really. Can I ask what made you decide against it?

I've taken into account what it'd be like a little bit of both, at least in terms of practical things: Costs, legal situations, dealing with discrimination living stealth and being outed, the fact that it won't just "cure" the dysphoria on one side - and on the other, trying to find a balance I can be content with if there is one. The one thing I'm clueless about is what would make me happiest, which is I guess why I'm trying to figure myself out as it is. The situation with my gender identity has always felt incredibly unresolved.

I appreciate the advice there too! I'm thinking about trying to dress entirely male for about a month or so to see how it goes. That's as close as living part-time as I'm about to get, since I live in an incredibly small hick town. I guess it'd mostly be for the sake to see how comfortable I feel presenting that way, but in order to do so I need some new clothes.

Not exact, but there's a thread like this I saw recently: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,92376.msg673017.html#msg673017
And it is really weird seeing my name in front of your posts, I just had to say.

I knew I would transition if I could since I was 11, but I didn't know I could. By the time I realised I could, at either 14 or 15, I was scared because I knew practically nothing about it, I was worried about how my parents would respond, and the idea of change was terrifying to me. Then I got a boyfriend, was open with him about it, and as soon as he called me his boyfriend I knew it was right. Female pronouns started seeming more wrong than they had before. And I had been suicidal for years, so even knowing that someone could love me as a guy, even though I was biologically female, was enough to push me to transition.

It was very... not optional for me. When I planned to live as a woman I also planned to die in my 20s. When I started to live like a man, I wanted to live into old age. I was reassured because every step in transition felt right, and made me happier. From the first male pronoun from my boyfriend, to my first "sir," to my first time binding, to my first time stealth, all the way to the crunching of my voice as it dropped on testosterone.

I've also had some gender fluidity, and that made me hesitate for a long while. However, when in a feminine mood, I looked at a photo of me looking as masculine as possible, and asked myself if I still wanted to be that guy. And I did. I thought about which words were more appropriate in reference to me - a boyfriend or a girlfriend, a son or a daughter. I always wanted the male versions, even when my dysphoria was minimal. Another interesting thing - when I was okay with androgyny or even femininity, I was also okay with the idea of me being masculine, with my masculine experiences. When feeling masculine, it was repulsive to think about me being feminine.

Hah, I was just reading some of your other posts because we have the same name. I actually didn't pick it myself. And, oddly enough my last name starts with an S - I'm not sure if yours is a middle or last initial, but still an odd coincidence!

I can't see the link you shared unfortunately - it says the topic is either missing or off limits to me.

As for the rest of what you said, I remember when I was with a girlfriend it felt so much.. better when she called me "Nick" and "he." I also used to bind and, yeah, it hurt physically, but I was much more comfortable on a whole different level. I think it's my current relationship (and all of the closet-hiding I've done in fear of how my boyfriend would react) that's got me feeling torn and I wonder if the indecision would be relieved a little if my significant other called me his boyfriend instead of his girlfriend. I don't have the balls to ask him about it right now, though. We've known each other since the second grade and we're 19 now, and it's been established that he has a hard time seeing me as anybody other than Nakita. We're working on just the idea of me transitioning a little at a time right now, so I'm hesitant to push him towards it too hard.

Quote from: Nikolai_S on February 14, 2011, 01:35:15 AM
Another interesting thing - when I was okay with androgyny or even femininity, I was also okay with the idea of me being masculine, with my masculine experiences. When feeling masculine, it was repulsive to think about me being feminine.

That exactly sums up how I feel. You worded it really well! I've never known how to, haha.


Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. A lot of what you said hits home, so I appreciate you giving me some insight that might help me put my own feelings/experiences into perspective.

It's a middle initial - Sebastian. It is a strange coincidence. Especially because I don't see that many Nikolai's about, and never another FTM Nikolai... it's not a common trans name.

The link is part of the "Just for Us" section, so you have to be a member of one of the Transsexual groups to see it. I think you join the group on your profile page, but I'm not sure.

I knew my (ex)boyfriend around 2nd grade too. I think it helped that we're both trans, so our ideas of gender were fairly fluid to start and it was easier to adjust when we came out to each other.

Glad I gave you some things to think about.

Trying living as female, then try living as male.  Pay attention to your responses.  Or move out of your town first so you don't have immediate family pressure.

That's the only thing I can think of besides talking with a therapist, which you should do anyway before modifying your body (if you're unsure anyway), so either way, don't worry about it.  You aren't gonna be able to do HRT or anything if you truly aren't sure. 

They all have good advice so I really can't offer anything but my own experiences.

For me, transition was something I had to do. I've never really lived as female and I've never really felt female so I can't help much there. As a kid I was andro or tried to be, as a teen I was male and constantly called male because I didn't look very feminine and when I realized I was trans (found out about the word) about 5 years ago everything fell into place.

I started with doing things such as binding and getting clothes that better hid my chest. I had been going by Alex since freshman year 6 years ago so the only huge change was pronouns. Eventually after a ton of research about testosterone I felt it was the right next step for me. Then I came up with a name better suited for me. Next comes top surgery because my chest disgusts me. Then... I don't really know what comes next. Maybe bottom surgery, maybe not. Probably not a hysto until I have to because as long as I'm on T and not having red death I can live with those parts.

I just think it really differs from person to person because I've had some people tell me that if I don't want a meta or phallo then I am not trans or if I don't absolutely want to get rid of my uterus then I'm not a guy. Sure I don't want it and yeah I'd love to have male genitalia but surgery terrifies me and the fear outweighs the hatred of those parts for now. Basically what I mean is it's all about what you feel you need or want to do.