Helen,

Thanks for the good advice.  I'll enjoy reading all of your posts, too.

Quote from: Jillieann/JR on November 20, 2006, 10:29:39 PM
Hi Kisti, They are 3 different postings.
Here are the links:
Hope they help. If you have any questions you can always email me.

Jillieann/JR 

Those were great posts, lots of material to learn.  Thanks again.

Oh, and it will not let me use the email function for some reason.  Maybe I'm just too new here.

Kristi,

Heather Rose,

That's amazing.  No I don't know what is in my future.  But I am learning to try my best to enjoy the present.  For now that is more important to me.

  Kristi

Kristi,
Welcome to Susan's.  You are not alone.  I am a CD in my 60's (I can attest that crossdressing is not a phase that will grow away).  I am also happily married with three grown children.  One thing you have not mentioned is whether your wife knows about your crossdressing or not.  I know that in my case, much of the guilt that I felt about crossdressing was due to hiding this from my wife.  Once I came out to her (this was about ten years ago) the situation changed dramatically.  My wife is very accepting and I can dress en femme at home.  I have my own clothes--my wife and I will sometimes share jewelry and scarves and we also share some makeup.  I no longer feel guilt about crossdressing--the guilt came from hiding this from my wife, not from the crossdressing.  I only rarely go out of the house dressed as a woman.  When I was younger I did not know whether I was TS or not.  I had the fantasies about becoming a woman that I suspect every crossdresser has.  As I matured I realized that these were just fantasies--not something that I would ever realistically pursue.  Therapy might help you discover who you are--just do not expect a therapist to tell you who you are--a good therapist is only going to help you discover things for yourself.  For me, my relationship with my wife is something that has helped me to discover who I am.  (And I also think that this has helped my wife discover who she is as well.)

Louise

Louise,

Thank you for your words of wisdom.  If I didn't say so, I'm in my mid 40's.  As to your question, the answer is NO.  My SO does not know about it at this point.  The situation is quite complicated, but I am not able to tell her at this time.  But know I will need to in the future.  That is another thing that is quite a struggle, as I can hear from your story.  So sure there's procrastination on my part and the desire to protect her.  But also, I suspect that if it is done in the wrong way it would be worse than not telling at all.  I do envy you have such a partner to share girl things with.  And I agree with you about what a good therapst can accomplish. 

I look forward to hearing more from you.

  Kristi

Kristi,

Sooner or later you wife will find out about your crossdressing.  If you have a good relationship and you approach it in the right way, then telling her will probably be best.  It is a lot better than her finding out by accident.  I have to be honest--not all wives are as accepting as mine.  Some--primarily those who have a somewhat fundamentalist religious belief--will react very negatively.  If your marriage is at all shaky, then some wives will use this as a reason to break up the marriage.  I don't know your situation and I respect your privacy, but if you ever decide that you want to tell your wife I would be more than happy to share some ideas of how to do this.  It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I do not ever regret having told her.  I only regret not having told her sooner.

Louise

Kristi I so can relate to your pain, as I have lived it for years. I started wearing my wifes clothes over twenty years ago. About ten years ago I started buying my own clothes , a wig and makeup, and dressed whenever I travelled enjoying my femme solitide in hotel rooms. What I did learn was I felt very much at home dressed, and yearned for the opportunity to get out and experience life as a woman. I started by sneaking out of motel rooms in the dark and going to gay clubs on drag nights. I got braver and went to a ball hosted by the cross dressing community in a city I was visiting, and stayed in the convention hotel. I was still extremely self conscious going out in public.  Last year I went to a girl's night out in Vancouver, with a wonderful group of ladies and had a wonderful time at a restaurant. With that experience behind me I put my makeup on the next day and stepped out into the fresh air and daylight, and walked a few blocks, even stopping at a couple stores. I never felt more liberated and fulfilled. Since then I have been out a few more times but only in areas where gay and transgender individuals are accepted.

What I yearn for most of all is to get out do all the things normal women do; go shopping at a mall, have a coffee at Starbucks, go to a movie, the ballet, the symphony and so on. As each day goes by this urge gets stronger. My wife still does not know my feelings; I'm certain it would end my marriage. I'm working up the courage to step out into more public places. I know it's baby steps but I know without some of the advice and pointers from this site and the encouragement I recieved from reading the posts I wouldn't have made the progress I have. I guess the point of my rambling is that you're not alone, and I personally find it comforting that others have the same feelings I have. 

Jen

Louise,

I agree with what you say, and my marriage of over 20 years is good.  But her fundamentalist part means that it would likely be the end of my marriage.  So I wonder which would be worse, losing my wife and family or living with a secret indefinitely, a choice I wish I didn't have to make.  And on my worst days I'm pretty good at feeling sorry for myself and being depressed over it.   The only thing I do know for sure is that, like many of you have voiced, I cannot deny that Kristi is a part of me.  Not a passing fad, but someone who seems to be begging more loudly as the years go by to be allowed to live.

A few months ago I had an illness that nearly took my life.  Although there are moments when I wish I had been just a little sicker so I would be free from this struggle, I am glad that I made a good recovery, but it is those kind of experienes that seem to bring things to a head.  I wonder if I could bear it if I did die without experiencing what it is truly like to be accepted by women as a woman.  Maybe that's moot, but, as we've been talking about patience, this is one dynamic that makes it hard for me. 

Jen,

You are one awesome and courageous gal!  Thanks for sharing your story with me.  I can see that we do indeed share some of the same pain.  But your story gives me ideas and encouragement.  Your yearnings could have been written by me.  Your "baby steps" seem like giant ones to me, and they start my heart pumping just thinking about them.  I know I'm moving that way, just have to find some opportunities and the courage to put one foot in front of the other and step out of the door.  I long to have that liberated feeling you have experienced and with some encouragement I think I'll get there. 

Love and Peace,
Kristi

It is a terrible dilemma when we feel squeezed between expressing our feminine side and loving the woman we have been married to for many years.  My wife and I have been married for 38 years and for almost 30 of those years I kept Louise hidden inside me.  I am fortunate because my wife is a very loving and open person.  We are both very religious (in fact we met at church) but we are not fundamentalist--we are liberal Catholics who try to take seriously the gospel message of love.  It still took a lot for us to come to the point of acceptance where we are at now.  It took me many years to accept myself as a crossdresser without somehow feeling that this was something that was sick.  I finally realized that this was not going to go away and that despite society's disapproval of effeminate men there was really nothing wrong in expressing who I am.  The core reason why society puts down men who express themselves in a feminine manner is that society has traditionally been structured around the patriarchal ideal that men are superior to women.  Women who try to act like men may be rebels, but a patriarchal society at least understands them.  Men who act like women, on the other hand, call the very basis of the patriarchal order into question--they are the real dangers.  This patriarchal attitude is of course the basis of the scriptural prohibitions against homosexuality and crossdressing (which a patriarchal viewpoint will always confuse with one another).

With the emergence of feminism in the last part of the 20th century the patriarchal mentality has begun to be challenged, just as the racist mentality was challenged by the civil rights movement.  Socially we have made much progress--anyone who compares social attitudes towards women and gays today with what it was in the 50's is just amazed.  Social attitudes towards the transgendered are a little slower to change, perhaps because we are not as visible, but the change is coming.  Personal attitudes can be harder to change because they are tied together with all sorts of emotional strings.  It is not just a matter of changing beliefs but of changing feelings.  On a personal level I think there is only one way to change feelings--love.  If you love someone then you accept them the way they are and you come to respect the way they are.  Too often our relationships with other people are not based on loving them but on trying to change them into an image of what we expect them to be.  With the relationship between a crossdresser and her wife this goes both ways.  I have had to learn to respect my wife's feelings about being a woman and her need for me to be a man for her.  In turn she has come to respect my feminine feelings and my need to express that by wearing pretty clothes.  The challenge is to be able to do both of these things.  It is not easy and it has taken some very emotionally painful mistakes to learn how to do this a little better.  We are still learning.  And we still make mistakes.  But we love one another.

Louise,

I agree that we have a double standard when it comes to cross gender expression.  I can't count on that changing in my liftime either, but am sure it will eventually.  I also find that there is much in scripture that actually is quite counter cultural and freeing, especially in the words and example of Jesus.  This would be a great conversation to have some time.  And I agree that mutual respect is the key.  To this point I have respected hers without the reciprocal:  I have not respected my own.  It's a journey, we'll see where it leads.

Kristi

Ever since I started dressing nearly two years ago, it has been one discovery after another. When I came out to my wife last year, it allowed me the freedom to be 'Gennee'. She's not totally approving of my dressing but she doesn't stop me from doing so. Matter of fact, she liked my outfits so much that we now share skirts and blouses.

I have gone out many times and want to do it more. I will be out dressed tonight, walking along the street and enjoying myself. That's the advantage of living here in New York City. One can easily blend in. I have been read but it doesn't matter to me.

I wear panties all the time. I'm a skirt-blouse-sweater and dress lady. I came late to this as I never had the desire when I was young. I guess it was buried in me and then one day I got the urge to wear women's clothes. I've been hooked ever since. I'm not ashamed or feel guilty about crossdressing. I consider myself transgender and a crossdresser. I feel liberated and complete.

Gennee

Genee,

Welcome to Susan's.  This community here is very supportive.  Most of the active members are TS, but we have always had a group of crossdressers who lend one another support.  If you haven't already done so, you might want to post an introduction.

Louise

OMG--Kristi I just wanna hug you, seriously!
I have followed your threads and posts and you are very intelligent and swavvy!  I like you a lot!
what you said was brave and i respect everything...
i know how you feel.  Can i ask???
What is going on in your relationship if you do not mind speaking about it?  Wife knows?  Does not?  Knows and is not supportive?  She has not figured out you are playing in her clothing?  Somehow women always find out, its a weird thing they just know???
Anyway your kids what about them?  What are their ages are they old enough to understand the issues present!
OMG again!  Thank you for sharing this is soo great of you!
hugs and kisses
Ricki

Hey Ricki!  Thanks for the wonderful compliments! 

Kinda surprised this thread came back to life, but you asked......

As far as the kids, only one is left at home, and will be for about 2 more years.  He needs more maturity to be able to undestand this.  That seems to me like a long term goal and target date, for what, exactly, I'm not sure.  Still haven't had THE talk yet with wife.  The right time will come, though.  Funny thing happened, though, the other day.  As we were getting dressed, she was putting her makeup on.  Then she turned to me with concealer and put it on me "to help cover those big circles under your eyes."  Then she showed me the best way to rub it in.  Really a fun moment.   We watch "What Not to Wear" together and it's a great discussion starter.  So, it will happen.  I'll know the right time.  Even so it will be an enormous stretch if she is ever accepting.

As far as clothes, I've been gradually collecting things, so I don't have to go into her things very much.  My collection consisits of makeup, wig, some jewelry, and cosmetics.  I also have a couple of bras and outfits for the one day a week I have the house to myself.  On those days I practice makeup, and just enjoy being the lady of the house.  And I take other opportunities as they present themselves during the week, such as evening walks.

Still not too good at labels, so I don't know what I would be classified as.  Know what else?  I don't care.  I'm getting to know a side of me that has been popping up all my life, only to be repressed again.  I really like her.  She's here to stay this time.

So, hold on to the reigns, cowgirls, this is an adventure unfolding!



Love and thanks to the family here!

Kristi

Wow Kristi,
You sound as if you are at peace with who you. That is great.

Telling family is always hard and can be very emotional to say the least.
From the recent experience you shared I'm wonder if your wife knows more than you think at least subconsciously.

It must be great to have one day a week to dress-up. And it does sound like you make the most of it. My wife and I work for the same organization and have similar hours so I rarely get even a few hours to myself. I'm slowly building my wardrobe too, with mostly sale items and things from thrift stores. If you watch close you can new and almost new items from those stores. I've got items with the new tags still on them.

Labels, I've been trying on different labels and still can't find one that fits very well.  They all seem to be to long here and way to short there;  if you know what I mean. 

I really like Kristi, so I'm glad your here to stay.

Hugs 
Jillieann

I love feeling feminine and dressing up as Rachel...I shave my leggs and body.. use creams to make my skin soft.... long fingernails.. ect    But I question myself at times ...  kinda hard to say....  I will use a pantyliner once in a while thinking that Rachel is having her period....  Em I losing my mind or is it something more common than what I'am aware of....    

Kristi thank you so much for sharing.
I've been overwhelmed with work and yep bringing it home this week almost no quality time to get onto the site, I am pressed tonight as well have to zip through the posts fast! Uggh
anyway you sound like you have  really solid handle on things and i am glad to read that although hidden somewhat you are trying to become you!  Me too i guess the process is up and down and not exactly a speedy one?
Yesterday at work me, my female boss, female counterpart manager and another female director got into this huge discussion about ironing, the board, irons, pleating, best steam irons, spraying from a  water bottle?  after a little bit i was like am i having this conversation, definately did not feel like a guy discussing it? Weird.. Then i walk away and wonder what they think?
Thanks for sharing post more if or when you can1
Thanks big hug
Ricki

Ricki,

You are such a dear heart!  Thanks for the compliments and encouragement.  I have those kinds of conversations sometimes too with my secretary.  And I wonder where it comes from.  The other day we had this conversation about pedicures.  I'm supposed to keep my feet in good shape because I'm a diabetic.  So she got me a pedicure for Christmas.  Haven't had time to go yet, but I've decided that I'm gonna get the whole works when I go.

Love,
Kristi

awww thanks Kristi! 
You know i never had this done?  A lot of the ladies at work i know-mingle with constantly are having massages, mani and pedi cures...
Must be the spa thing revived?  I dunno this one girl paid 60.00 for a massage?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm seems like money i would otherwise spend in another foolish manner but not on my back or shoulders for sure?
Feet i hate my feet and toes?  The Army boots all but ruined me, then ill fitting rental ski boots for two years (only cause we got the rentals for free saved me from buying skis until i was actually a good skier ) caused very bad bunions so in 1993 i had foot surgery to remove them on both feet outside my little pinkie toes (i do not think dressing and wearing tight fitting hi heeled shoes helped this along the way either?) anyway that was a pianful 6 week process..
Again although my mom and i differ, back then she was there for me 10 days in bed off my feet she waited on me, cooked and delivered my food, got me movies, helped me with the bed pan and stuff, washing bathing in bed..(i had a girlfriend but she worked and was not up my house much)  So anyone regardless of issues has to appreciate that sort of love and committment.. anyway that was a long time ago, but they healed and bunions never came back but recent years of rock climbing shoes, and pretty much being on my feet in dress shoes at work, tennis shoes on court a lot of hours a week spring through fall playing tennis, the hiking and camping boots (although the shoes are getting more techno and lighter and more comfortable-but leather is still a better all around boot in my opinion than the mixed fabrics)?  Takes a toll on the feet.  My toes are squished together after all these years of abuse....I get those nagging litle corns here or there depending on how much abuse i give...
But i think i would be nervous and a little ashamed of presenting my feet to a massage lady or pedicure lady??? Ugghhhhhh
Hey Kristi watch that diabetes.. My aunt left some minor infection go in her toe and ignored it, she's now a month later in the hospital and maybe looking at having part of her foot and bottom leg removed!
Awful.. I do not understand she has good benefits just did not wanna go and get it treated i guess??? that old school mentality wheer you do not go to doctor unless you are dying?
the conversations at work with secretary and ladies?  What do they consist of fashion?  Colognes/perfumes? I'm just curious to hear some of your stories if you wanna share wonder if they are same as mine or different? Geeze one day we had a round table discussion on panty hose?  Well i started it by accurately guessing everyones right size (maybe not a good thing to have even done...gulp)...The one lady said oh and have you ever worn them, so here's sheepishly paranoid ts me saying um oh well ya.. my girlfirend one time was curious and wanted me to wear them .. I added that men wear them sometimes under thier ski bibs or pants for insulation (that is true but i do not think widely practiced though) lol
Big hug your way
ricki

Well tonight I am out of town so I got a change to be Kristi for a lot of the day.  I went shopping and found a top I just adore.  And it was on a clearance rack, which makes it even better!  On the downside, I bought a new shade of lip color that I thought would be great for me.  As I look at it on me now, it's way darker than I thought, and doesn't look right at all.  So I'm really disappointed.  One day I'll get my makeup just right, but this can get expensive!  I can tell this is going to to be an emotional letdown. Have to go back to maleness in the morning.  c'est la vie   Time to slip into my nightie and catch some sleep.

Kristi