I want to apologize for any harm that I might have done for you my androgyny friends or your recognition as a group. Many of you know how I came in thing I was bi-gender and than left with in a month to go back to being a transsexual. I'm sorry if I caused any harm or hurt to anyone.
Let explain what was and had been happening in my life during this time period.
First, for background, as many of you and many also in the transsexual world have experienced two natures within, or should I say double minded thinking.
Anyway as long as I can remember I have felt that way that is until very recently. What more can I say about the two natures that have lived and feuded within me for years. I really believe I created "him" as a device to protect the real me and keep me safe by doing what others expected of me. What happen was that I imprisoned myself in a shell because of fear of people. When ever hurt came alone we would put it in another cell where I could not feel it. This shell eventually took on a personality of its own and I lost control. As an adult I lost the ability to feel much joy. When I first started to come out of the shell it was like being transported into a different world. What I mean was that I began to feel alive.
Then when it seem my life was crashing in on me. I slip back into that shell. Why maybe some of you remember the email that my one son sent me saying that if I continued down this path that he would not trust me to be with his children.
Here is some of my reply: "From your email it seem your feeling are that of fear for your children, fear for your mother (my wife), fear for my youngest son, and also feelings of fear for me and all of this because of me or where I'm seem to be headed. By fear I really mean trepidation, apprehension, anxiety, and real concerned. This I can at least partly blame on myself."
This sent me in to a tail spin, I believe. I resurrected JR my male shell because I just couldn't stand the thought of losing my family. Some of you will remember that I left Susan's for about a month but Jillieann, wouldn't go away she cry and wept and was afraid she would die within me. But subconsciously I wouldn't allow my shell JR to leave either. I felt better when I quite trying to put Jillieann back in her cell, that is when I came back to Susan's. Many of you in the androgynous forum welcome me with open arms and I thank you. You helped me accept Jillieann (my true self) and make peace within. But my dual self continued for awhile till I decided to give into to Jillieann and told her I would do what ever was needed to make her happy even transitioning. Within a day I became almost one again.
Here is part of a posting I made on January 12:
Okay what I am learning and what is going thru my head.
1.) I am becoming one again but it is not as JR (male) but Jillieann (female). Jack is still alive and functioning but more as part of my thought process than as an individual.
2.) Thanks to my therapist I have learned allot about my pass and just in the last day I have began to remember how both dad and mom had to teach me how to be a male. What I should play with how I should act (like not crying), and how I should even sit (not crossing my legs like a girl.)
I now feel more at peace with who I am.
3.) This one scares me. I will most likely lose everything that I hold dear because of what I am becoming. I have and will unintentional hurt them because of what I am becoming. All the things that I was doing like dressing and going out occasional have not changed (except in frequency). I wear almost all women's cloths most of the time except for shirts and tennis shoes (can't even force myself to wear men's except an occasional t-shirt.)
4.) How far I need to go outwardly (dressing and body modification) I am not sure of but often when I dress mostly like a male when I get home I rip the stuff and put on as much feminine stuff as I can without disturbing my wife.
I again want to apologies for any misunderstanding or harm I may have done. I do respect all of you. I believe androgyny people are very brave and have the hardest time in society being neither male nor female or both in one body. Your are a special and I admire your courage and bravery.
Jillieann
