Quote from: kyril on March 11, 2011, 08:30:16 AM
I self-induced labour with a knitting needle when I was pregnant, when I couldn't deal with what it was doing to my body any longer. I also self-induced an abortion with a barbecue skewer. Not technically stabbing myself, although there was that possibility, and it certainly felt like stabbing. (I considered perforating myself the second time to see if they'd just take the parts out of me, but I was in the military and figured I'd get in a lot of trouble for that)

Holy ->-bleeped-<-. THAT is extreme. I once heard of someone aborting with a coat hanger. That must be the hell of pain. I must say never damaged my internal organs that bad...


I'm diagnosed with chronic depression. Not just because of the trans thing, I was always a "dark mind". I've always refused to get any kind of pills so my condition was...quite extreme. I'm very extreme by nature, and I got extreme likings but  during my worst years of hikikomori (don't go out my room, just to the bathroom in the night) I did quite eXtreme things. In fact I think I'm quite extreme when it comes to self-injury.
Aside from the usual cuts (razors, nails, etc) and art applications (I used my own blood to paint certain drawings, just because I liked the colour) I was quite interested in experimenting with my own limits. If I pushed myself into the limit, I felt relieved in some way.
However, I started going out eventually (and, ironically, it was like punishment to push myself out home)  and I got into serious problems because of the wounds, plus, this thread is not about the suicide attempts right?.
So I started to try other methods, mental self-injury anyone? whose wounds would be unseen. Developed a "romantic" eating disorder (not eating for beauty's sake).
The worst...
I stood awake 6 days in a row. That's 144 hours without closing an eye. I didn't eat a thing during the whole time either. Just sipping lemon water I spent the time drawing, crying, painting, sculpting and playing the piano in a dark room with blue candles.
On the 8th day I started to see all kind of things. I remember keeping a conversation with someone.
I've done over workout too. Like, start to rope jumping and don't stop until I fall unconscious to the floor...

I felt like I had more control of my body doing that. Like, "I rather torture myself before someone comes and do it for me."

Needless to say, I'm not such extreme anymore...

Ah, sleep deprivation, like the body's own version of LSD. I went about a week and a half without sleeping and barely eating, woke up one day and realized that it looked like everything had bugs crawling underneath it. Fun ->-bleeped-<- /sarcasm.

Self-induced mental scars, I'm not sure if this counts but when I was younger I'd try to forcibly desensitize myself to things that bothered me. Someone sent me a photo of the Black Dahlia and it horrified me, but I forced myself to look at it for hours every day until it stopped scaring me and eventually I ended up liking it. I think that might be the basis for a lot of my sicker thoughts and preferences, honestly.

I've also forced myself to read old messages from people I've lost, not really sure why. One person in particular, this kid that wrecked my life more than anyone else, I'd go through old pictures and letters and just sob. I feel like part of the reason I did it was because some tiny bit of me realizes that crying is normal and tries to convince the rest of me.

N. Chaos, I did stuff like that all the time. I would deliberately torture myself mentally. Over this one girl in particular...for three years I just made myself suffer over it. I could have been over that ->-bleeped-<- YEARS before I actually moved on with my life but I liked the pain, I felt it made me real. Caleb, that is. I was living life as 100% girly girl and it was the only way I could really...ever be.

QuoteSelf-induced mental scars, I'm not sure if this counts but when I was younger I'd try to forcibly desensitize myself to things that bothered me. Someone sent me a photo of the Black Dahlia and it horrified me, but I forced myself to look at it for hours every day until it stopped scaring me and eventually I ended up liking it. I think that might be the basis for a lot of my sicker thoughts and preferences, honestly.

Sounds like my ex! God, that girl watched "The Collectors" with me and she LAUGHED. She never flinched, nothing. She is so so kind, and yet...she can watch ->-bleeped-<- like that and not even care. She watches really graphic horrors, and looks at really graphic things a lot, she definitely became desensitized over time. She even gets "cravings" for stuff like that now and again.

Oh, and on the Black Dahlia...pics of her never really upset me for some reason. Black and white so seems completely unreal. I've seen Jeff Dahmer's crime scenes too and I barely cringe, as long as it is a still image I can deal.

Now that I think on it I have done some pretty bad things.

As a kid I used to punch my chest thinking that if I hit it hard it would not grow. It does not work obviously.

I recently tore my ACL and my sternum because I thought working out extra super hard would make my periods stop and I would be as strong as all the other guys.

I feel like now that I am beginning to accept this and am wiser about treatment I know all this is going to end. I can fix it and it is a matter of time. I just wish I could get up the guts to tell my family, I hope they are okay with me.

I've never had any thoughts of self harm, the way I see it, I'm in so much pain already, why would I want to make it worse?

When I was younger I was carrying logs inside for the fire and got a large splinter in my chest, I had little bits of wood in the cut for weeks, and I used to pick it and press it a lot, hoping that the lump would turn into cancer and I could have my chest removed, but that's the worst thing.

Recently I've taken to have scalding hot showers, so hot that it really burns me and I have to grit my teeth to stay under the water, and leaves my whole body tingling afterwards. But that's more about control than pain, or fixing something that's wrong. Mind over body and all that jazz.

Quote from: Nikolai_S on March 11, 2011, 12:07:23 AMAlso around that age, even older, I'd keep pressing things against my chest to try to compress it as much as possible, no matter how much it hurt. Not even as a form of binding. Partially because I hoped it would eventually, somehow, destroy them.

Me too.  I would smash them down really hard and punch them, trying to break them, hoping they'd go away.  Now I'm afraid to bind because I don't want to wreck the darn things, so I can get good surgery results.

Quote from: Mr.Hyde on March 12, 2011, 08:30:09 AM

mental self-injury anyone? whose wounds would be unseen.

Sometimes I wonder if the 7-year relationship I am in right now isn't me trying to mentally torture myself and physically put me in danger.

Quote from: Caleb Lance on March 13, 2011, 01:42:32 AM
N. Chaos, I did stuff like that all the time. I would deliberately torture myself mentally. Over this one girl in particular...for three years I just made myself suffer over it. I could have been over that ->-bleeped-<- YEARS before I actually moved on with my life but I liked the pain, I felt it made me real. Caleb, that is. I was living life as 100% girly girl and it was the only way I could really...ever be.

Sounds like my ex! God, that girl watched "The Collectors" with me and she LAUGHED. She never flinched, nothing. She is so so kind, and yet...she can watch ->-bleeped-<- like that and not even care. She watches really graphic horrors, and looks at really graphic things a lot, she definitely became desensitized over time. She even gets "cravings" for stuff like that now and again.

What's The Collectors? I'm definitely intrigued now. The cravings thing...that's not easy. It sounds ridiculous and I never sound like it because it makes me feel ->-bleeped-<-crazy.

I have to confess, I spent a long time online trying to find pictures of Dahmer's victims.

The Collectors is this movie about this guy who collects people...he goes into these peoples' houses and sets up these sick traps all over the house.

I'm sure there's gorier out there, but it is the worst I've seen, at some parts all I could do was laugh because it was so effed up.

N. Chaos: Much sympathy. Except I was ->-bleeped-<-ed up even before I saw the Black Dahlia, I saw a picture of the corpse when I was 13 or so and I thought it was the most beautiful murder ever. It's easily explained by me being inherently sadistic as hell. My cravings have gotten worse in the past year though. Doubt it has much to do with being trans, except for maybe desiring control more than I otherwise would have.

Heh, Nikolai I agree with you on that now. When I was a kid I was confused/squicked out by the idea of corpses even though I lived in a funeral home, after seeing those pictures (and being in and out of my dad's embalming room once the terror wore off and the "OMG ADVENTURE" kicked in) I got practically enamored with crimescene photos myself. On that note, I'm glad to see I'm actually not the only gore-loving ftm out there.