So, i've been worrying a lot recently.

yesterday i woke up and actually felt bad about ruining my chest. i mean i still want it gone overall, but i do have one, and binding is making it flat, and it made me sad that i was hurting myself.  i don't know what i'm thinking exactly.  i want what i have to look good, but i wish i was different.  and in general, my chest is what i'm least dysphoric about, i just dislike not passing because of it.  i almost wore a bra... and then a thong and a skirt but i put it off with the excuse that since i was bleeding i'd wait for a day when i felt/looked better to cross dress. heh. i don't know. i'm even having trouble putting my thoughts into words in a way that fits my personality... if that makes any sense at all...and i probably sound crazy. 

and i would lose so much if i transition. right now, other than the trans stuff, i have a perfect life.  i'm an attractive girl who can go back to my prestigious university if i want, i have a dad who pays my tuition and for my boyfriend and i to live together since he's currently unemployed, and my boyfriends dog is incredibly fun/cute, and my bf is incredibly intelligent and talented, and he's a good guy- he always tries to do the right thing, and he's in a cool band which is fun cause it means i'm the girlfriend of the lead singer of one of the cooler bands in my city and door guys and other musicians and stuff recognize and know me and that's fun.  so i'm throwing a lot of that away if i transition.  i don't know why i can't just be ok now.

and my bf is trying.  he's straight... i think.  at least he says he is, and he says the idea of having sex with a bunch of girls is exciting, but if he imagined me as a guy, it wouldn't be.  he says he loves me as [insert gender neutral nickname] and he doesn't want to add a bunch of qualifiers to our love- like saying i'm a boy and stuff because as we both said our love is very powerful, and we're incredibly close and similar in a lot of ways.  but if i take T or get top surgery, he probably won't like me anymore.  he said he'll go to therapy with me though, and he's reading true selves and gender outlaws the next generation, and i can't transition for a few years anyway, and he's trying as am i, so i guess that's good enough for now. 

except i want to live full time as Chris.  i've already applied for jobs as a guy, and i want to tell all of our friends, but then they'd talk and everyone would find out, and since people know who he is, lot's of people would talk... and he doesn't want that.  but i know if he were ok with it, he'd defend me to the death if anyone said ->-bleeped-<-, but he doesn't really get why i want to change my body yet. 

so yeah, i'll shut up 

It doesn't sound like you're incredibly unhappy. Maybe you could "part time" it and see if that makes you more happy. If your life is otherwise perfect, then that means that the majority of your life you're ok with. Transitioning should be the very last option - like if you'd otherwise rather be dead than live in your body one more day. It doesn't sound like you're there, so why not live your life and be happy most of the time and find some areas where you can make changes to be more comfortable?

Quotei want what i have to look good, but i wish i was different.

I felt this way for a while...I used to have quite, erm, perky breasts, and a decent size. I liked my gf liking them (I ID'd as female at the time). It was just nice that a part of my body could turn someone on so much, that something about me was conventionally "beautiful." Now they're like, flatter, softer, and droopier, haha.

I don't think many guys are happy about it, especially when they start T and they're looking good as a guy and then here are these kinda shrunken breasts hanging around. But top surgery of course takes that away, it's just a matter of being patient.

Quoteand i would lose so much if i transition. right now, other than the trans stuff, i have a perfect life.

Yep, totally relate. Pretty much to the "t" minus the boyfriend part. Sure, it's something to consider...if your education is important and you think you could lose it as a result of transitioning, then you may choose to put your transition off. That's okay, it's what I am doing and I am getting pretty damn close now. It was hard but it was not the end of the world.

Also, attractive girls tend to make handsome guys. You just have to suffer through the awkward in-between stage of looking like a butch lesbian, hehe.

As for your boyfriend. This is from personal experience as well as ones I have read on this board. You cannot live as a female to please him. GID, generally, will be there your entire life, and the older you get, the worse it will get. The perfect life, the perfect boyfriend/husband, getting kids into the mix, all of it will never make your GID go away. Eventually, it will all crash and burn and be even uglier than it would be right now.

It's great that he's trying, so I'd say give him a chance for this moment. But if he simply cannot be attracted to you as a male, it's best to cut your losses now.

Sorry for the pessimism there. I'm not saying you need to make all these decisions now. You may decide after some experimentation that you're happy living as a female, who knows. Give it a lot of thought, and remember that it is OK to take time and OK to question.

My life was pretty perfect, too, for 47 years.  But *I* wasn't happy, not at all.

And for me, overall, transition has only  made life better.  Yes, I may have lost some friends, but I've gained soo much more.

Only you can decide what is right for you.

For me, it was transition or die.  Literally.  I chose to live.


Jay

thanks for all the replies.

i think i'm going to come out to one of my friends tomorrow and see how that goes.  it does seem to be that i'm just scared of losing everything, so facing reality and letting myself be myself is creating an insane amount of stress, and it'll probably be better once i just accept it. 

wish my boyfriend were gay though... or at least bi enough that he could stay with me after T and surgery

but yeah, fml

even though after i let myself be myself i'll still have an awesome life overall- just need to keep reminding myself of that 

He may change his mind, and he may find you attractive on T and things as well.

You never know what will happen until it happens. Just because you transition doesn't mean you have to lose everything.

I know that before I even came out to anybody, I thought the same way you did. I'd say to myself, "What if my friends leave me?" "I would have to recreate every aspect of my life to do this...is it worth it?" I eventually decided it was, and considering I had a "perfect" life before, it's even better now. I know my love life isn't as empty either now that I'm not awkwardly butch and a lot more confident in myself.

You just gotta take the leap when you're ready and hope for the best. You never know.

QuoteAs for your boyfriend. This is from personal experience as well as ones I have read on this board. You cannot live as a female to please him. GID, generally, will be there your entire life, and the older you get, the worse it will get. The perfect life, the perfect boyfriend/husband, getting kids into the mix, all of it will never make your GID go away. Eventually, it will all crash and burn and be even uglier than it would be right now.

This can't be underlined, bolded or repeated enough, seriously. For a while I tried to lock mine down to make my girlfriend happy and all it did was make us both miserable, her feeling guilty and being terrified of/for me, me becoming even more resentful and violent towards her. It'd be better, for both of you, if you did what you needed and could remain friends or keep some kind of closeness than to keep suffocating yourself and wind up hating each other.

Quote from: N.Chaos on March 13, 2011, 01:13:26 AM
This can't be underlined, bolded or repeated enough, seriously. For a while I tried to lock mine down to make my girlfriend happy and all it did was make us both miserable, her feeling guilty and being terrified of/for me, me becoming even more resentful and violent towards her. It'd be better, for both of you, if you did what you needed and could remain friends or keep some kind of closeness than to keep suffocating yourself and wind up hating each other.

yep, you're right

it sucks though.  i think we're going to break up soon

but if being a man (or a good human being) involves integrity and honesty and facing one's fears, then i guess i got to man up and be real even when i'm told that i'm delusional, crazy, selfish, weak, a freak of nature, etc.   

Yep, it does sadly. I know things must be feeling rocky right now, so *hug*

Quote from: Caleb Lance on March 12, 2011, 03:24:36 PM
As for your boyfriend. This is from personal experience as well as ones I have read on this board. You cannot live as a female to please him. GID, generally, will be there your entire life, and the older you get, the worse it will get. The perfect life, the perfect boyfriend/husband, getting kids into the mix, all of it will never make your GID go away. Eventually, it will all crash and burn and be even uglier than it would be right now.

This. I'm there right now, except I married the guy, so I have the moving out and divorce stuff to deal with in addition to the relationship ending.

Do not - do not - try to change/stifle who you are just for your partner. It's always a bad idea, whether what you're stifling is as mundane as a desire to have children or travel the world, or as unusual and all-consuming as being trans. The results are never, ever, ever good. In some cases they're downright disastrous.

Quote from: Caleb Lance on March 14, 2011, 06:19:53 AM
Yep, it does sadly. I know things must be feeling rocky right now, so *hug*

thanks man. i really appreciate it.

Quote from: kyril on March 14, 2011, 09:08:32 AM
This. I'm there right now, except I married the guy, so I have the moving out and divorce stuff to deal with in addition to the relationship ending.

Do not - do not - try to change/stifle who you are just for your partner. It's always a bad idea, whether what you're stifling is as mundane as a desire to have children or travel the world, or as unusual and all-consuming as being trans. The results are never, ever, ever good. In some cases they're downright disastrous.

yeah, i got you, and thanks.  everything is up in the air right now, but it's going to work itself out soon because it's just getting to that point.  and if nothing else, i've decided that part of being a man is staying true regardless of the consequences, even if those consequences include causing pain and being perceived as crazy.  So, if nothing else this is going to be a great litmus test of who my real friends are. 

i just still have concerns that my ->-bleeped-<-ed up mom ruined me somehow, and i'd be normal otherwise.  though, the fact that she spent her whole pregnancy stressed out is just as much her fault as it is that she only saw me as an extension of herself as she raised me... and it's just something that i have to deal with

and i gotta go now.. so thanks for everything!

Quotei just still have concerns that my ->-bleeped-<-ed up mom ruined me somehow, and i'd be normal otherwise.  though, the fact that she spent her whole pregnancy stressed out is just as much her fault as it is that she only saw me as an extension of herself as she raised me... and it's just something that i have to deal with

I'm no therapist or psychologist, of course, but those kinds of issues don't generally manifest as GID. the two I know of are schizophrenia (rarely) and borderline personality disorder...both which can be easily ruled out through a psychologist. The RLE helps with that as well.