Over the last year or so we have developed a fine tradition of posting good luck threads for people soon to go in for their surgery. This is obviously a very kindly gesture and a sign of the real concern that we all hold for each other.

However without wanting to criticise anyone can I make a gentle plea for people to be sensitive to the many here who have found themselves stuck and unable to progress to SRS due to circumstances or lack of funding.

Offering our support and good wishes to those approaching a major life changing event is highly to be commended. However we need to be careful that in our enthusiastic support for them we do not inadvertently end up rubbing the noses of those less fortunate in their situation.

It would be terrible if someone committed suicide because of depression brought on by a rather vocal reminder of the blessing that others are soon to receive and that they fear that they may never reach.

I do not want anyone to feel that this is specifically targeted at them. It is not.

However I feel the need to now post some official guidance on SRS good luck threads:

• Please do feel free to post good luck threads, but please keep the tone moderate and sensitive.
• Specifically please be respectful in your tone.
• This is important medical treatment. It is NOT a carnival.
• Encouragement is good. Over excitement is not.

I will emphasis again that this MUST NOT be seen as a criticism of anyone who has posted anything up until now. Anything which has already been posted was, I am sure, done with the best of intentions. I am merely concerned that we avoid any future hurt.

Thank you in advance for your understanding and future cooperation.

Thank you Jenny for this reminder.

Along with others I have wished many, taking their next steps, part time, full time, acceptance by others and going into surgery, best wishes. Today, I and others have sent our wished to our own Jerica.

Many, for a variety of reasons, cannot take the first step, let alone others. Many are in difficult situations.

What makes me feel so comfortable with Susans' is the unconditional support and love that we share. Sharing through common experiences.

I hope we can all continue to express our joy to those who have managed to take another step and our unconditional support and compassion for those that, for any reasons, are having problems.

And I can never tire of saying how grateful I am for Susans' and each of the amazing individuals here who have given me so much support.

Dear All,

May be allowed to back this.

In the days of internet we can quickly send good and happy messages to each other. Which is totally lovely. I for whatever reasons  have to live my life  in stealth pretending to be male. We have many members in the same, and opposite  situations.  It may be OK for you to take the next step. But sometimes it destroys someone else's dreams. 


We at Susie's are a really nice community, let us remember and be thinking of those who, like me, don't have the opportunities
of others. Best Goddess wishes to those who can, Best Goddess wishes to those who cannot, Just wish I was  Goddess and solved all the crap.  Did I use the c word>\? No way.


Hugs and time for bed.

Steven my pillow better be horny tonight


Cindy

It may be OK for you to take the next step. But sometimes it destroys someone else's dreams. 

What?  Is there some zero-sum number of SRS/GRS available?  One person taking the next step (that is right for them) NEVER stops anyone else from taking the steps that are right for them.


The difference between dreams and reality is that one side often does nothing but dream, while the other group works.

Each of us has specific triggers for our dysphoria be in the lack of ability to get SRS, the lack of ability to pass, the lack of youth, etc.  I have my own triggers, for instance, sometimes (and it used to be all the time) it was difficult for me to read about a MTF who is married to a man - something I so dearly wished for and still feel strongly about today. 

In those periods of sensitivity I make it a point NOT to read threads that might trigger my dysphoria.  Granted there are fewer threads related to my trigger than to someone having SRS, often mine often pops up unintentionally in a thread I am reading as someone casually mentions about their marriage.

It is important to know what sets us off, and if we are unable to control the result, we must avoid the stimulus until we have learned to control our reaction to it.  If I am not able to do that and steps are taken to protect me, I create an environment either intentionally or unintentionally that provokes others to not say what they really feel, to be inauthentic, or to cause then to feel they need to walk on egg shells.  My problems, my triggers, are not theirs, and I feel no need for anyone to censor themselves on my behalf - I may just choose not to read your thread if I'm already feeling down.

In fine, I believe people should not rub their successes in the faces of others, but censoring one's successes can only do disservice to this amazing forum.  There are plenty of other forums that are MUCH more highly moderated where people like me cannot even speak - I don't want to see this forum into that one.

QuoteHowever without wanting to criticise anyone can I make a gentle plea for people to be sensitive to the many here who have found themselves stuck and unable to progress to SRS due to circumstances or lack of funding.

*Raises hand*

I'm a classic example. Speaking for myself only, i DO find it depressing that i'm not able to advance as i'd like due mostly to money, and I do find that heartstring plucked by my awareness that someone else is having, has had, or soon plans their surgery (graduation, as it were)

but i cannot say I've ever been further depressed by the chorus of happiness for the lucky girl. Id be just as moddoy, or not, today because Jerica graduated whether or not she was getting the good wishes.

Again, i agree with your cautions and think they are wise - i speak only for myself here.

Quote from: tekla on March 15, 2011, 04:10:50 PM
It may be OK for you to take the next step. But sometimes it destroys someone else's dreams. 

What?  Is there some zero-sum number of SRS/GRS available?  One person taking the next step (that is right for them) NEVER stops anyone else from taking the steps that are right for them.


The difference between dreams and reality is that one side often does nothing but dream, while the other group works.

Maybe off base but i took Cindy's comment to mean that it would negatively impact someone in her own life, not some other trans person somewhere else.

Quote from: Tammy Hope on March 16, 2011, 02:55:24 AM
Maybe off base but i took Cindy's comment to mean that it would negatively impact someone in her own life, not some other trans person somewhere else.

I wasn't going to reply but I will now. I think people on the journey need the encouragement and the good news stories and our frinds undergoing procedures deserve our love and support during a very difficult time.  We also don't want to 'rub people's noses' into something that they may not be able to attain. But I have to admit I have never seen any sign of that, and I'm pretty certain Mods would be over that like a rash.

A number of us have to make the difficult choice, and there is no right or wrong choice, of how our decisions affect others. Many of my close friends have lost family at all levels because of the decisions they have made.  There is nothing in the slightest bit wrong with those decisions, but there are also others who cannot face that. They remain with partners, family, community because they cannot bring themselves to hurt them. There is nothing wrong in that.  But my thoughts were we have to be very sensitive to peoples feelings in this area.  Because Person A makes a decision it should not be lauded as the 'correct' one, because Person B makes the opposite.

I suppose as ever I try to walk the middle ground; I cry for everyone.

Cindy

Someone will always be offended, triggered, hurt, nonplussed no matter what is said, or not said.

Quote from: mija on March 16, 2011, 03:41:34 AM
Someone will always be offended, triggered, hurt, nonplussed no matter what is said, or not said.

The ability to communicate is  to pass your thoughts in a clear and cognitive manner to others. If you can achieve that, and few can, then people should not be offended. It is after all passing information to be processed, understood or rejected. There is nothing offensive in passing on the information, it is how that information is delivered that affects people.

Cindy 

Quote from: mija on March 16, 2011, 03:41:34 AM
Someone will always be offended, triggered, hurt, nonplussed no matter what is said, or not said.

Yes, but here, in Susans' I hope we can always provide support.

It is sad when someone is so fragile. But realistically, we each do what we can, because that is all we have.

Personally, I find reading about the successes and accomplishments of people on this forum invigorating.  GRS is forever and a day times two away for me, but to read that other people are getting there serves to remind me that it's there, it's real, it's happening right now, and I can make it if I work hard enough.  It helps me keep my eyes on the goal.  I'm grateful for the opportunity to be consistently reminded that dreams do come true.  Life is so hectic, muddled, and filled with distractions, that I frequently lose sight of the big picture.  I love seeing people reach their goals, and especially when the goal is GRS.  It motivates me to keep my chin up and do my best to follow in their footsteps.  Then again, I've become quite the optimist since I started HRT.  I guess I just don't understand this as a dysphoria trigger.  Doesn't make it any less valid, though.

I felt compelled to ante up my two cents worth of contrasting perspective.  Hope it doesn't ruffle any feathers.

I for one will never stop someone from posting a congratulations thread.

Its an exciting time for the person having surgery.  But, yes it does remind others that for one reason or another they will (most likely) never reach that goal.  Whether it be money issues, family issues, or health issues.

Yes I can get frustrated when they brag that the "State" is paying for it, or their parents are paying for it (just examples).  Face it many of us battle depression and you never know what will set it off in someone.  At the same time we need to be careful not to stifle peoples excitement over reaching their goal.

The congrats I will give to someone who will or just had srs is with the best intentions.
Let's face it, it's a major step in life and the person who is going under the knife is excited.
We can only be happy for them because we have known them for several time and we know how they have lived to that point.
Off course, also in that last stage of treatment we want to support them and than there can be a little bit of excitement.

I am aware of the fact that some of our friends can or will never achieve this stage.
For me, they are not less woman,(or man for the ftm's) the feelings they have are the same as the one who get the srs.
The last thing I want is that people commit suicide because of the awareness that others can make their dreams come true and they can't.

The thing they can do is talk about their disappointment, the only thing we can do is to support them as much as we can.
And we will support you, count on that,talk, you're not alone, you've got friends.

love
annette

I really don't want to be insensitive to any one's feelings because I really struggle with negativity at times, during those times I find it difficult to go to the 'look at me, I pass 100% and I'm young and gorgeous' threads it just reminds me that I have left it too late for those kind of results, so I don't go to them when I feel that way, I'll wait for a time when I feel better about myself and can feel happy for those people,  nobody has ever rubbed my nose in it and at the end of the day the responsibility for my emotional well being rests with me, I have to look after myself.

I think that it would be horrible if there was a feeling of superiority/separation between those who could get srs and those who can't, but I've got to be honest and say that I have never seen it here.

To all those commenting about how valuable the congratulations threads are can I just remind you that I absolutely and emphatically did NOT say that these should cease. It was simply a plea to keep things expressed in a reasonable way - in other words it is the subtle difference between offering "Congratulations and good luck to xxxx"  and embarking on some sort of nose rubbing exercise.

The first is, of course, to be encouraged, the second is where it becomes a little problematic.

Quote from: Virginia Marie on March 18, 2011, 05:25:51 PM
But to be honest I haven't noticed that kind of thing going on... or maybe I was just lucky enough to miss it

That is what I was thinking - I haven't seen that going on which leads me to believe the mods are referring to something else.  The only thing I've seen related to this at all was from a suicide post referring to jealousy due to others getting SRS.  In that thread it didn't seem the person who wrote it was referring to anyone being excessive in their celebration so I really have no idea what this relates to.  If it is indeed just about over celebration, then I suppose this is a preemptive message to attempt to prevent such activity in light of the recent suicide thread.

Well I can tell you that it did certainly happen, but not quite in the way you describe. There was no post-op gloating. There were a couple of threads of congratulations that were way, way over the top. I for one can say that I was put into a deep, deep depression spiral of dysphoria that was a total shocker to me. Until then I had not realized that it was still possible to feel that way and it pushed me to the brink.

Again, as Jenny said, it is more about congratulating in a mindful and respectful manner. I think we all know what achieving that sort of dream can mean for any of us. It is the culmination of a long hard struggle usually on the back of tremendous loss and sorrow and probably worthy of more reflection and solemnity than one would find at Mardi Gras.

On the day before and day after I get to SRS, I know that there will be great joy tempered with great sadness. Happiness and melancholy. My personal losses have been both profound and incalculable and yet I count myself amongst the lucky. Others will have lost much more than I can imagine. Still others will never be able to even get to the operating table. So yes, a little sensitivity and decorum are probably not too much to ask.

I am NOT going to name and shame anyone, because the people concerned, and there was more than one, do not deserve that, but as Melody said there have been some recent incidents. They were certainly not malicious, just slightly ill judged, and that is why the people concerned have not been identified or spoken too directly.

In the wake of the threads concerned I was contacted by several members expressing various shades of disquiet which is why this thread was started to avoid any further issues and avoid embarrassing anyone.

Now please can we all stop digging around this because there are no hidden meanings. It really does mean exactly what it says, but for reasons already stated I am not going to say any more. Thanks.

Thanks ReJennyrated for posting this, it is important to think of others.
I for myself can not transition and I can not even start HRT and it does trigger my dysporia when I see those that can, or if I see some of you girls here that look so good and some that have had the chance to transition at a young age, that just makes me feel so bad because I can't do that or I can't have those results but you know I feel that way when I see real girls or when I think of my child hood and how I missed out on what should have been a great child hood growing up as a little girl.
But it makes me happy too, it makes me happy to see that others are able to do it and I say go for it.
I am able to find things to distract me and it makes me more happy to see you girls and boys happy so lets ALL BE HAPPY.
Aloha.

Jennie