(Forwarning: I haven't had much sleep lately and my mind is all messed up right now. I apologize in advance for the crazy effing jumping around that'll most likely follow.)

Exactly what the title says.
I'm not sure there's a short or concise way to say this, so it'll probably turn into a massive textwall from hell. So, there's your warning guys.
I don't know if I'm looking for advice so much as seeing if anyone else has dealt with this or something similar.


I've been dating the same girl for 7 years. Since 10th grade we've been together, and there've been some horrifyingly rough spots but we've pulled through. When I came out to her about a year ago, it made things a lot harder. Awkward, painful, and effing scary. She's identified as a lesbian for most of her life, but later went to narrow it down and say "I'm only attracted to YOU". She's never even really wanted to screw or date anyone else, and I always liked that. It weirded me out, but I felt needed, and I liked it.

This whole trans thing though, it's messing with her. She can't accept it, and she hates that she can't accept it (Hope that makes sense). She's also got almost no sexdrive. Me, I'm practically a nympho. So we talked about it, a lot. And after a lot of awkward (and often amusing) conversations, we decided that it'd be okay if I starting screwing my best friend. So, I did. And, it was great.

This best friend of mine, he's beyond amazing. He's saved my ass on so many occasions, has kicked my ass into gear when I needed it, gone through hell for me (as has my girlfriend; I feel like I'm painting her in a horrible light and that's completely unintentional). I've thought for years what it would be like if I'd met HIM first, and dated HIM...with my girlfriend staying as my other best friend. Until we started screwing around, I never admitted to it.

And for a while it was pretty awesome. I've always thought I could be polyamoros and it seemed that I was actually right for once. Lately though, I've been getting less and less attracted to my girlfriend, to girls in general. Now, a lot of you guys read my posts and you know that I will readily admit to being...less than fond of a lot of women. It might be stupid, it might be closeminded, but that's me. I go off my personal experiences. This whole post is so effing disjointed, I'm sorry guys. If you're still following I commend you X_X

Recently stuff's gotten even weirder with us. She's been being bitchier than usual, snapping back and forth between attacking (verbally) me and Ben over nothing, to attacking my transness, to sobbing about it all and apologizing for not getting it. She's not a bullsh***er, I know if she's actually apologizing, it's sincere. Believe me, this girl is in love with her brutal honesty.

I feel like I'm falling more and more for Ben, and falling out of love with Julie. We talked about it a bit this past weekend, but I don't know if we got anywhere. It's like a "comfortable stalemate". Until last night. (Yes, my life story is hilariously similar to an M.Night Shamalan story in that there's always a bullsh** twist).

(NOTE: This is gonna sound petty and kind of hilarious but try to hear me out)

Sunday night was the first time in 7 years that I got out of bed and slept in the other room. We've had fights so bad we literally tried to kill each other with knives, and STILL we got over it and slept in the same bed. And this was over practically nothing. I told her to go <not allowed> herself, got up and went to sleep on the couch...cuddling Ben's pillow.

And then last night, sh** really hit the fan.
My girlfriend's nearly non-existant sex drive decided to rear it's shiny, rare-as-<not allowed> head. And for the first time in my LIFE, I declined.
We've turned fistfights into makeup sex. We've screwed when everything was going to sh**. And last night, I just told her (again) to <not allowed> off.
And I didn't actually realize why until about five minutes ago.

I couldn't bear the idea of her thinking of me like a girl anymore. I can't. It's driving me <not allowed>-crazy.
Ben treats me like a person. He calls me he/him/Nick out of respect for me, but he doesn't give a <not allowed> what I am. He's always loved me for me. My girlfriend always did before too, and when I bring it up she'll fully admit she doesn't get why she can't accept my transness, but it doesn't change the fact that at least in this department, Ben is winning, big time.

There's so much more to this, so many reasons why certain things are so bad, so many reasons why I'm so incredibly hesitant to say ANYTHING certain, but I don't even know where to begin.

The big/overriding/semi-relevant issue:
I feel like I'm turning gay, or at least my bisexuality is seriously slanting, but it's really effing odd. If I'd been born biomale, I think I'd still actually want to have sex with girls. As it stands, I'd be happy to never screw another girl for the rest of my life.
Aesthetically, I'm just finding myself more and more bored with girls too.

Eugh...I don't even know anymore.
Anyone?

That all sounds really rough for both of you. It doesn't surprise me that you feel yourself more drawn to the person in your life who is more able to accept you as you are/are becoming. It's probably harder for your girlfriend than your friend, because she's been intimately connected to you for a long time in one version of yourself, and now that's changing, and that can feel like something's dying or being taken away. If you're going to let go of her, be gentle if you can.

I can't help thinking you're adding unnecessary suffering for yourself by "label surfing" - there's no need for you to worry whether you're bi or gay, why not just call yourself sexual, and accept who you are (and are not) attracted to at the time? Because that shifts around, and there's no benefit in resisting the tides in it. You're going through a lot of changes anyway, and that's going to change things around you too.

Meh...you're absolutely right. The stupid labels, it's just a bad habit I think. We get so used to needing a name for every damn thing, we start to stress over it-pointless as it is.

I feel absolutely horrible for putting her through all this, even though I know so much of it isn't my fault. If I let go of her, I need to make sure it's mutual. And by that, I don't mean I'm going to piss her off until she quits, I'm going to keep us talking, keep an eye on everything, make sure she understand exactly what I mean whenever I say anything important. Ideally, I'd love to get over all this and stay with both of them. I love them both more than anything, and they both mean the world to me equally. Thanks for the response, man.

Sounds like the best you can do - it's important to be able to respond, but not to feel responsible for others' feelings, if you get what I mean. It's up to both of you to figure out where your relationship goes next.

And I'm not saying labels are bad, we all need the support of identity to some extent - just being rigidly attached to them can cause pain. I keep looking for appropriate labels that are loose enough to let other things creep under them when necessary (that's why I'm calling myself polygender/polysexual to anyone who asks, these days - I prefer my umbrellas transparent ).

Good luck x

I can relate in a round about way. When I was in college I was going out with a girl who accepted me for who I was inside. But at that time I was the one with no sex drive (at least not much when it came to being with other people - I've always been fine getting myself off lol). So it took me 3 months to even sleep with her once. I don't know how she lasted all that time without dumping me but we ended up together for almost 2 years before my "issues" got to be too much and she wanted to start screwing her friend (who happened to be another girl). I couldn't deal with that so we just kind of broke up but towards the end it was weird and awkward.

Now the tables have turned somewhat and I all want to do is f**k but my partner is totally asexual. He's flat out said if you want to get it somewhere else to do so but I'm just not that type of person. I know it would make me feel like ->-bleeped-<- if the person I loved was sleeping with someone else. I think sometimes, people say stuff like that but deep down inside they really don't mean it. Or perhaps they do until it's actually happening and they realize that they are not involved with the person they love intimately anymore and that hurts.

Could be something like that going on in your case. Especially since your gf seems to be bitchier, etc. She's probably regretting what she said now and slowing realizing you're more down with Ben and falling for him.

If you're actually feeling that way then it usually is best to end the romantic relationship with the other person (in this case your gf) in the best terms you can. Be perfectly honest and if you still feel deeply for her after all the ->-bleeped-<- you've been through make sure she understands that too. If you want to continue being friends, definitely say so. At the same time, sit down with Ben and be just as open and honest (might even be best to talk to him first) about how you feel about your relationship with him.

It's a real touchy situation when strong feelings are combined with sex. I hope you find a way to mediate it with the least amount of drama!

@inside, the good thing about him is that we've been talking about all of this ,as it's been happening. He's my go-to for everything, and he hears every little ->-bleeped-<-ed up thing I've got going on. I think a lot of people do say that without meaning it, or realizing what they're saying. In our relationship(s) though, up until really recently the whole screwing-both-of-them thing hasn't been a problem...hell, if anything I think it was keeping us together because me and her weren't arguing about sex/lack of it anymore. ->-bleeped-<- with her is weird in general because she just goes back and forth so goddamn much. I know she's trying, but when she goes from 100% support one day to "I just don't get it" the next, I'm not sure what the hell to do. Last week she was blaming my "whole trans thing" for my being a douche, yesterday she called me her boyfriend all day long, and without me pushing her to it.

I will admit, I've had commitment issues sporadically throughout our relationship. Maybe that's part of the problem, hell maybe that IS the problem. There've been other guys I've known while we were dating that I'd get attached to while ->-bleeped-<- was bad with me and her, and it's always ended bad. Maybe I'm just getting so screwed up because ->-bleeped-<- with Ben won't? I have no clue. My mind's all over right now, honestly.

@Caleb, absolutely. I'd never break up with her in the heat of the moment, I won't even leave the room most the time when we're in a fight. I'm really, really stuck on ending things in the best possible way when it comes to relationship problems. What I'm doing/planning right now is to just keep going, with everything, for now. That little explosion was all me, and most of them have been lately. Since that happened we've been talking more, and I plan on bringing stuff up again this weekend. Nothing specific, just things related to all these issues.

@yoxi, I definitely get what you mean, and you're absolutely right. When we're talking about this,  need to drag her input out of her. I need to know if she feels like she can stick it out with me, bipolar craziness be damned. That's a huge part of why this is all so hard, I'm realizing now. It's like I'm dating three different people; Ben, Julie's normal side, and Julie's sadistic everything-if-your-fault-because-you're-->-bleeped-<-ed-in-the-head side. And I hate that. I'm trying to get her to see a psychologist or something because even she's starting to realize how bad the mood swings and flat out personality changes are. I'd kill to be rid of that ->-bleeped-<-ty side of her, but I think I still love the 'real' her. The normal her, the her that makes me laugh so hard I piss my pants.

And transparent umbrellas are the best kind! (he tacks on, hoping to rescue the post from being too miserable and confused)

Quote from: N.Chaos on March 23, 2011, 01:02:35 PM
@inside, the good thing about him is that we've been talking about all of this ,as it's been happening. He's my go-to for everything, and he hears every little ->-bleeped-<-ed up thing I've got going on. I think a lot of people do say that without meaning it, or realizing what they're saying. In our relationship(s) though, up until really recently the whole screwing-both-of-them thing hasn't been a problem...hell, if anything I think it was keeping us together because me and her weren't arguing about sex/lack of it anymore. ->-bleeped-<- with her is weird in general because she just goes back and forth so goddamn much. I know she's trying, but when she goes from 100% support one day to "I just don't get it" the next, I'm not sure what the hell to do. Last week she was blaming my "whole trans thing" for my being a douche, yesterday she called me her boyfriend all day long, and without me pushing her to it.

I will admit, I've had commitment issues sporadically throughout our relationship. Maybe that's part of the problem, hell maybe that IS the problem. There've been other guys I've known while we were dating that I'd get attached to while ->-bleeped-<- was bad with me and her, and it's always ended bad. Maybe I'm just getting so screwed up because ->-bleeped-<- with Ben won't? I have no clue. My mind's all over right now, honestly.

I hope it sorts out for you. Does sound like Ben is your better match if he's more "even" and just open to discussion, etc.

Ben's just flat out amazing in every possible arena, honestly. Even if things never progress past this point and we revert back to "just friends" for whatever reason, I'll always think of the guy as my soulmate of some sort. I love him dearly, I'd lose my ->-bleeped-<-ing mind without him.

That's a good person to have in your life!

Oh yeah. It doesn't help that he's absolutely hilarious and can get me laughing through just about everything.