So for those that haven't seen me post elsewhere in this forum, I'm new here and new to the entire concept of considering myself a guy. I suppose being so logical and literal-minded, I previously only saw myself as a major tomboy. I go by facts and logic, and I know I was born with the "V" (as opposed to the "D"), and that was the fact of the matter. I didn't think otherwise.

So one of my life-long best friends recently told me that she wants a sex change. It confused me a little but once I looked into it and saw videos of guys that have transitioned or are transitioning, I was enthralled. Absolutely amazing!! And I since haven't been able to get it out of my head.

So I've got a lot to come to terms with. I already have plans in my head of how to go about transitioning, although circumstances at the moment don't allow for it. It sounds good in my head though.

For me there's an additional big step to overcome, and that is losing weight. I haven't been able to lose weight before, even with professional help. So since I have no insurance and no income, I can't see doctors or get my thyroid checked. But I hope I have found a way around that. I came across a website selling discount blood tests and found that supposedly I could buy a full thyroid panel test online for $40 and go to a local lab to have it done. I just hope they will honor my internet payment to that site when I get the $40. I've also looked into herbal thyroid & endocrine function type pills and where to get them cheap since getting a prescription requires seeing a doctor at least 3 times and paying for it in full, or spending over $100 a month for synthroid online from sites that don't require a prescription. So I'm hoping to get some control over that soon.

I'm currently in a relationship with a bio male, as I only like guys. He knows this is something I've been thinking about and doesn't seem to be bothered by it. However, things really aren't going well. He may be the straw that broke the camel's back. I spent the majority of my life only wanting to be loved and to feel supported and cared about. But I don't feel cared about because his drinking outweighs and ruins what affection I have been shown. And I've come to realize that this can not continue. I grew up with a rage-a-holic mother that yelled and screamed at me and even threw things sometimes. I wasn't shown love. And I've spent my adult life taking care of her mother, who is as nasty, mean-spirited and hateful as they come. So my life has been nothing but taking everyone's sh*t day in, day out. It's like I'm a magnet for hate-filled, angry, rage-a-holics and something about me says "Hey, I'm here to absorb all your hatred and rage!" And I'm in my mid-30's now. So needless to say, Enough is Enough!!!

So I had a really bad night last night. I surpassed some kind of breaking point or something. I feel I've gone beyond the absolute maximum amount of emotional, mental and psychological abuse that any human could possibly take in a lifetime. I feel like "she" finally died. And honestly, it brings tears to my eyes. But I think I'm allowed to mourn for the woman that I was. I do mourn for the innocent girl who was treated like sh*t by everybody. But that's not who I am now. And I, the man inside, will not be abused! I, the man, am not here to be everyone's doormat, scapegoat, punching bag, or joke! I, the man, demand to at least be treated with basic human respect which means if you don't like me, at least have the decency to walk away and leave me alone! I, the man, am taking over and there will be hell to pay!

But all in all, there's a lot to take in and a lot to consider. I would say that I haven't felt transgendered or struggled with identity, but I have been gender-embarrassed my whole life. I've always been bullied and am still bullied a lot online for being ugly. As a child, when forced to wear girls clothes or even when I tried to present myself as female in dress and with makeup, I've been attacked by adult men who assumed I was a boy trying to look like a girl. Most people do think I'm a guy. I have always passed. I have always been a tomboy and feel like a straight up jackass in women's clothes. So it's a lot to get used to. Especially with my fears of further public ridicule - as if I don't already get enough of it.

So I've never felt comfortable in my own skin. But, even though it's new and confusing and I'm still adjusting to my own feelings and thought processes, I seem to believe that I would feel much, much better about myself in a male body. Gee, it really never crossed my mind before. But my new dream is the light at the end of the tunnel for me. Finally!

Hi:

I sounds like you've had some sort of breakthrough.
I think that a decision to not be a doormat is probably a good one.

I wouldn't be too quick to presume that you have a thyroid problem, but it's worth a check.

If you do decide to transition, don't let defiance be your fuel.
It's high octane but it doesn't have the stamina to carry you through.
Transition should be based on a clear vision of a better life.

Good luck.

I thought I said that. I do see it as a better way of life. I really do think I would feel much better about myself and that I could finally be happy.

Before you go the DIY route regarding thyroid, look for low-cost or free options for poor people through either government or charities in your area.
Reason being? Synthroid's cheaper domestically, I understand. 

Not that I'm personally against *ahem* interestingly sourced medications-although my opinion is that you probably want to make sure any med you take's made in a first-world country.  If you need them, get them, just evaluate the entire cost of domestic versus foreign.  If you can find a way to get government assistance, or charity clinic assistance, the entire cost of domestic might be less.

Also, you probably need a complete hormone panel-reason being-PCOS, diabetes, and other things that need to be checked for.

Also...are you monitoring your calories? I thought I wasn't eating that much...until I started logging-then I immediately figured out why my weight had crept up to 275 pounds-I was eating 2000 calories before midafternoon...

Around 2006 a local service put me on a strict diet and had me going to a gym for 3-4 hours a day, 5 days a week. I didn't lose an ounce. So something is not working right. However, that service has changed and is no longer willing to send me to a gym. There are no other services for the poor in my area. There is no free health care here. If you're completely homeless and sleeping on the streets here, there is a place you can go get free Prozac or Paxil, but no help beyond that.

I am really so sorry to hear about how you've been treated.

But I read your post as one of hope and resolution. You are taking control and seizing the opportunity.

I'm very wary of commercial testing, but I don't have a lot of experience outside the UK of this sort of thing.

I will suggest that you can take your transition on a step by step basis. As your confidence grows, your income improves, you can take bigger steps.

Thank you so much for your positive and hopeful post.

Yes, I think that's what this is. I am taking control of things for the first time in my life. And it feels good! 

So happy for you that you hit your breakthrough. It can be scary, I know.

As far as your concerns about getting in shape, I'll offer my experience as someone who has struggled constantly to keep myself under 200lbs. It's not easy when you have lifestyle and family history against you, but it is possible.

I've repeated this advice in so many places in the past week I feel like a broken record, but then I remind myself it's been to different people each time :-P

Strength training is your friend. Every time I tried losing weight by working out, i had doctors and trainers feeding me the lines about aerobics, running, biking, etc. It wasnt until I ditched that for strength training that I started to make progress. And there's no reason to spend more than 45 minutes working out at a time. It just takes a barbell and a pullup bar.

You want to work up to lifting your body weight in just 4 exercises:

Dead Lift (don't switch to the clean & jerk until you've hit your body weight on the bar, and definitely not without a coach)

Squat

Bench Press

Pull ups (reverse grip is best to start IMO but for FTMs who want to build up shoulder span, wide grip front has been recommended by others)

Start light to warm up with a couple sets, and then ramp up to a weight you can do 5-8 reps of for two sets. Try not to do squats and dead lifts on the same day or you may strain or injure your back.

Using the weight machines for single muscle training is pointless. Your body doesnt work in individual pieces, and splitting it up to work it bit by bit just drags out your workout.

To keep the core in shape, it just takes two sets of two to three minutes in plank position, and leg lifts. When you are able to do 50 on a side, add some might ankle weights.

Chair dips or push ups for a little extra arm work which you may want as FTM.

Strength trumps pure aerobic by virtue of developing muscle for future fat burning, and it is the number one way to reduce injury. Weights naturally include stressing your cardiovascular system, so it does double duty.

If you start taking T down the road, your target numbers for your weights is 1.5x body weight.

So, what can an FtM who can already lift up to 900 lbs without ever having had T before lift to get toned up and in shape without adding more bulk?  LOL I already have all the muscle mass I need, I think. But I will do some strength training. I was thinking of stuff like isometrics and body weight excersizes to slim down without adding mass. And yes that's what they had me doing when I was on a doctor directed work out program. They wanted me doing 1 1/2 to 2 hours on eliptical and 1 1/2 to 2 hours on treadmill every day. 

Hi Sascraps

I won't give you any advice about losing weight, because if it was that easy my overweighted self would follow that.
I only want to warn you about non prescription medicins from the internet, sometimes it's harmless, but you pay a lot of money for something that looks like peppermint or garlic inside.
If you get the real thyroidmedicine and your thyroid is working properly, it will stop working.
So, it's not without danger.
Further I want to congrat you by taking over control.
You're right, your not somebodies doormat but a human being who needs respect.
If people don't accept you the way you are, they can leave the room( and not slamming the door, please)
You're nobody's slave.

hugs
annette

Quote from: sascraps on March 18, 2011, 04:06:02 PM
So, what can an FtM who can already lift up to 900 lbs without ever having had T before lift to get toned up and in shape without adding more bulk?  LOL I already have all the muscle mass I need, I think. But I will do some strength training. I was thinking of stuff like isometrics and body weight excersizes to slim down without adding mass. And yes that's what they had me doing when I was on a doctor directed work out program. They wanted me doing 1 1/2 to 2 hours on eliptical and 1 1/2 to 2 hours on treadmill every day. 

900 lbs?  Thumbs up!

Then I have nothing to add except that I tip my hat to you, sascraps, and I hope you find a solution soon.

P.S. I may be MTF, but I will still cop to having some lingering jealousy over that 900 lbs. At my peak I was dead lifting just shy of 300 

Well with leg strength anyway. In high school, you could optionally take weight lifting with the football team instead of regular gym. So I did and got challenged one day, and found out that I could out lift the boys. I got up to 900 in leg press, 600 with squats, and less arm strength back then but now that's improved and I haven't even had access to a gym in forever. 

Well one thing to consider is: do you need to have male body surgery to live as the man you feel you are? Like is anyone gonna ask you to pull down your pants to check and make sure you really are "male"? Sounds like you could already pass as a guy and since most people aren't gonna see you naked, what's between your legs has little to do with how they see you. I've been living as a woman (I'm MTF) for a couple of years now, no surgery or hormones etc. Sounds like you had an epiphany, might be time to just start living as your true gender and if it works out for ya, worry about the other changes later?

Well it is my understanding that you need therapy, 1 year of T, and then top surgery to get a name change, right? Otherwise I don't think claiming male would legally work with big boobs. 

Name change doesn't require any of that. To have your -sex- changed on your ID does. I've had my name changed, starting living as the other gender but still have the wrong sex on my ID. At some point I'll probably have that "fixed" too but at least for me, this other stuff was more important.