This has proven to be a great couple of months. Through a stupendous struggle and the liquidation of so many possessions, my SO and I have paid off all of our debts. The construction and sale of custom motorcycles really puts me into a weird (let's call it what it is: masculine) head space, but it's absolutely necessary to raise the funds needed to even dream of working through this transition. A bike sold last month for a considerable profit, another one is following rapidly, and I'm in the process of building yet another right now. We've got the means to pay for electro now. All of it.
I'll be seeing my therapist to get my first letter on the 19th, my one year anniversary for starting HRT is on the 20th, my first marathon session at Electrology 3000 is on the 21st, and I've already got paid time off work approved for recovery time. I'm also going way out of my way to accrue the maximum amount of bankable compensatory time (80 hours) at work to cover every electro session without dipping into vacation hours. I'm saving those for FFS and a possible BA with Dr. Cardenas in November.
I still haven't come out to more than friends at work, but it's becoming so painfully obvious that amusing innuendos and good natured jokes are commonplace and it actually makes me very comfortable. I think going as far as I possibly can into this transition without actually announcing it is probably the most agreeable option in my workplace. It'll be that much easier if I've reached the point that the typical response is, "Yeah, we know." That or, "Oh, I thought you were gay." It's a bit tricky because this place is staffed with chest beating cavemen, but I honestly believe everything is going to be okay. In fact, when I started HRT, my mood and general demeanor improved so much that I have a promotion pending. Sounds like a solid argument for my decision to me.
As for my psychological state, I'm reaching the point that I'm more comfortable with myself and less interested in what people think about me, but I'm not all the way there quite yet. There's still a fair bit of anxiety, but I'm always getting better. I used to be terrified of everyone, but the longer I do this, the more reality sets in and I realize people are generally nice to me and I've really only had a few negative experiences. I must be getting comfortable, because I saw my reflection in plate glass at work the other day and thought, "My god! I come to work looking like this every day? Wow..."
My battle with my weight is drawing to a close as well. I have a bit of pudge on my belly, but it's rather feminine and I've finally decided not to be upset about it. A year ago today, my waist was 41" around. I simply did not care about my health or appearance one bit. Today, I'm hovering between 29-30" and my hips and chest are down to 38". My end goal is 38-28-38, and I think I just might get there without corset training. Given the material I started with, I'm happy with my figure. I could certainly do with a little more on top, but I catch guys looking at my chest all the time already.
This brings me to the revelation that most of us eventually have. I'm not getting surgery for everyone else. I'm really only getting it for myself. It's something of a positive feedback loop wherein people notice I look good, which causes them to have reactions that make me feel good about myself. It's also bound to be nice to see a pretty woman in the mirror every day. I'm realistic, I want to capitalize on my strengths, minimize my weaknesses, and be a reasonably attractive, proportional woman.
Seems like a sound goal to me. I'm glad to be trans. It's made my life so much more than it would have been otherwise. Yes, it's difficult, but how many people can feel the degree of satisfaction we do as we approach the state of being we've always needed?
