So, in the midst of scheduling my SRS, I had a complete mental breakdown.
It happened on Tuesday morning, I completely flipped out, burst into tears and left work.  I began transitioning two years ago, I thought it was the right decision for me.  Oddly enough, I've spent the last 5 days in bed, crying... because I am suddenly so confused.  My therapist, doctors, and psychiatrist all agree that I'm one of the most mentally stable patients they've ever had... but maybe I was just fooling them, and fooling myself. 
I guess it all boils down to what I really want, and what I think is best for my life.  However, those two don't agree with each other anymore.  What I want is to be a woman... it's all I've ever wanted.  Oddly enough, what I think is best for me, is to be a boy... a very feminine boy. 
I guess the pressure of scheduling SRS and finalizing my life as female has overwhelmed my mind.  In a single instant, I suddenly realized that I was so incredibly self conscious, that I was never satisfied with my appearance, that I felt uncomfortable, and that I am always obsessive about something new that I must do or must have to become even more feminine.  This of course is much different than my life as a feminine boy... where I was incredibly confident, very pleased with my appearance, content with what I had, yet constantly obsessing about my desire to be a woman.
I've spent quite a bit of time analyzing my feelings over the last 5 days... trying to figure out, what is upsetting me so bad?  I think I finally pinpointed the reasons I am having so much trouble with this. 

1. I have excessive amounts of guilt over the fact that I left my family and friends, moved 2500 miles away, changed my name and became a woman.  I feel as if I betrayed all of them.

2. I am constantly conflicted in my head between my old life and my new life.  I am haunted every night in my sleep between male and female dreams.

3. Every time I look in the mirror I think male or female.  Every time I get out of the shower, get dressed or even put on makeup... I think, male or female.  Every time I meet somebody, befriend somebody, or just simply pass a person on the streets... I think, what did they think of me?.. male, or female?  The odd thing is... I pass 100%.  In fact, in the midst of this mental breakdown, I came out to a girl friend of mine who i've known for nearly a year, that I was really born a man... and she didn't even believe me at first.  Yet, despite being so unmistakably female in physical form, my mind is constantly tortured with these thoughts I listed above.

4.  I miss my old life.  I miss being carefree, I miss being able to go to the beach, take my shirt off in public, move, act, speak, sit, lie down, stand up, bend over, eat food, converse, ride a bike, wake up and so much more without thinking to myself... Is this how a girl would do things, or how a boy would do things?  I simply am unable to cope with the constant conflict in my head.  I spend every second of every day asking questions like this to myself.

5. I miss normal relationships with people.  I never accept dates because I'm scared to tell the person that I am trans.  I don't make many friends and I even avoid the ones I do make until they eventually leave me alone... because i'm scared to tell them i'm trans.  When I enter into a room of women, i don't feel like one of them... I feel threatened and judged.  Ironically, this is apparently what almost all women feel, trans or not.  As a boy, I had tons and tons of friends, in a sense I was a leader among my group of friends... everyone loved me and I loved them.  Now, I have no friends, except the people I work with.  I won't leave the house, I am terrified to meet new people, I'm scared to do anything.  This has been the last two years of my life.

So, I decided... I'm going to detransition.  I have begun to slowly decrease my dosage on hormones and testosterone blocker... and I will begin living my life as a feminine boy.  Although, I don't pass as a boy... and I spent so much time perfecting my female voice that I actually have trouble not sounding like a woman when i open my mouth... It doesn't matter anymore.  I simply cannot handle this.  I feel relieved in my decision, and I feel like the nightmare is finally all over... but I really am going to miss my life as a woman.  I loved being a girl, and I think if I were not so mentally distraught by these things that it would be the best decision for me to continue my transition... however, I am not that lucky.  I am not posting this to discourage anyone from transitioning... I think everyone should follow their heart and do what they think is best for them.  I am posting this to articulate my feelings and find peace within myself... and also hear opinions from other people. 

Here is two pictures of me from a few weeks ago, out for my birthday weekend with some friends.  I don't know if I'll ever smile like that again... but at least I won't be going crazy inside my head =(

This is a rather unfortunate topic which seems to be coming up frequently lately.

What would you like from us as far as support, friend? Many of us are going in the exact opposite direction you are headed, and quite a few are very comfortable with simply discarding the entire mental gender mess and doing as they please- still going through with transition. Might I suggest that you simply stop caring about what others think and go ahead and do what you need to do to be happy?

I wish that were possible =(  I simply cannot get over the gender problems in my head though.  I thought I would be able to, but I am not as lucky as the other girls in that department.  I have and always will consider myself female... I just think that this is what's best for me in the long run. 
As far as support... I just wanted peoples opinions.  I am doing this with no guidance, no other transgendered people to talk to, and I really wanted the opinions of my peers. 

Wait. There's one person, now that I think of it, who has done as you are doing.

http://gidinteralia.blogspot.com/

You can find him (her?) on Susan's under the name interalia. A very cool person.

It sounds to me like all your problems are actually one problem. You see yourself as deceiving people and it has created a tremendous amount of guilt and stress. You worry about people finding out about the "true" you because of the way you act or speak or any of a million things you obsess over as possibly being male and not female. You fear rejection.

You have to let it go. All the fears and worries. You have always been female. Everything you do and say is what a woman would do and say because you are and have always been a female in your brain, your heart and your soul. Just from your picture I can tell that no matter what you do (chew tabacco, spit in someones face, start fights) it will always be viewed as a woman doing those things and NOT a transsexual "fooling" people or a possible boy. You told your friend you were born in a male body and she didn't believe you. Think about that. Why would that be? As for the rest, women are all self-critical. Women appraise each other. Welcome to the club.

All the things you said you miss you can have again and more once you are post-op. Currently I have the constant reminder of my old life between my legs and I hate it, but I know that once my body is complete, those worries about the things I can't do now will vanish. All my post-op friends tell me about this feeling of completeness. Of liberation. Of wholeness and well-being. You might be able to detransition physically, but you will always be a woman between the ears. You will not be able to shake it.

You said it yourself "...but I really am going to miss my life as a woman.  I loved being a girl, and I think if I were not so mentally distraught by these things that it would be the best decision for me to continue my transition..." Instead of detransitioning, maybe you should wait awhile. You have been working towards something for two years and you shouldn't undo it based on five days. Talk to your therapist about these feelings. Examine them. Turn them over in your head. Give it a thorough going over before making any changes. Right now your feelings are overwhelming your capability to make any kind of rational decision.

Well, the decision to transition or not is totally up to the individual... You must do what's right for you

I will say that you look like quite a lovely young lady though 

Well for what it is worth I think you are making a terrible and tragic mistake. It is ultimately your mistake to make if you will, but the way you speak makes it sound to me like you have a very artificial view of what being a woman is really all about.

1. For a start leaving friends and relatives is not obligatory. Sometimes it is necessary, but ultimately you have to live YOUR life in the way that God calls YOU to. You cannot live your life in a way that is right for your friends and if you try to do so then when you get to the hereafter I promise you that contrary to what many misguided religious people may try to tell you God will NOT praise you for resisting the change. Instead he may well condemn you for failing to follow his calling to you to be different. That I honestly believe. This is a true divine vocation for those of us who are called to it.

2. There should not be a divide. For me, my "old" life and my "new" life were a seamless whole. They were the same person, just in an altered form.

3. I don't care what others think. I cant control their thoughts so I make no effort to do so. I just present myself as I am and let them draw their own conclusions. As far as I can tell they conclude that I am female.

4. I reject utterly the notion that there is any "right" way for a woman to do things. I just don't see the world in that much of a gender polarised way. I do things the way I do them. To borrow a bit of Helena's logic from another thread, I have female bits, so presumably the way I do them is the way that a woman would do them because I am a woman and I am doing them that way.

5. i have normal relationships. I am not in stealth, neither am I wearing a tee shirt saying "Transsexual - please pass" I just live a normal life. If people know or find out then they do. Sometimes I tell people sometimes I don't. Either way no one gives me any grief. No one really cares either way, and if they did, I'd disown them because I literally don't want to waste any of my precious time on someone that socially inadequate!

Basically it seems to me that you are condemning yourself to a life of misery and struggle simply because you cant find the courage to be PROUD of who and what you really are. I mean this in a supportive way but when you think about I clearly like that how lame is that really?

The worst part is in de-transitioning you will find that you cannot go back to what you once were. Things will never be the same as they were before. You simply cant put the genie back in the bottle. So you will lose all the benefits that you have from transition, and you will not regain any of what you feel you have lost.

In short it is a foolish step, and one which I predict that you will probably live or die to regret.

You look so beautiful in that picture, you pass so well. I've heard so many stories about people who transition and in the end they usually end up transitioning back a few years later. If you really are a girl which I think you are, you should really think about this, I kind of think you may have a more difficult time living as a guy even a feminine guy because you just seem so feminine. You don't have to divide your old and new lives together. Acknowledge your past, possibly you could even embrace it. If you are going to end up becoming extremely disphoric again and people still view you as a girl because being male isn't natural for you. All I can say is you have to do what is right for you. If your life is more comfortable as a guy then by all means detransiton, but if it is far worse and you end up in 20 or 30 years back where you are now, you might have things a lot harder. The testosterone will alter your appearance etc and life will be more difficult. So be sure that is all!!

Vanna,  life is not binary.  Each of us humans are made up of many things.  We leave family and friends to make new ones.  We change constantly, evolving into a new person.  We are never the same.

You have a chance that few humans have.  To alter who you are.  Consider your self blessed to have that chance.

And detransitioning is like going home again.  And you can never go home again.

Give yourself a chance.  Some never get the chance to even get to surgery.

Vanna,

I can't speak to the experience of transitioning or de-transitioning, but I can speak to the guilt, anguish and fear I hear in your post. I implore you to read "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie (female author by the way) to help you get to the bottom of the beliefs that are causing the fear resulting in your mental and emotional pain. Ekhart Tolle also addresses this topic, but Katie's work is much more accessible and for me, her four questions were absolutely key in my own recovery from the blackest, suckiest, closest-I've-ever-been-to-wanting-to-end-it-all part of my life. What I hear in your post makes me think that even if you do de-transition (more or less successfully), the beliefs and self-talk generating your present fears will remain. No matter what decision you make, you will still need to deal with those beliefs that have put you in this situation. Please read Katie's book; she also has a website which you can google, if can't find the book locally.

I am still a newbie around these parts, but after much reading and lurking, I think jenny's advice is spot on pretty much all the time. I also encourage you to seriously consider points 3 and  4 in her post, and especially the beliefs you have about yourself and others that prevent you from seeing things that way.

Good luck; light and love and healing energy your way......

Quote from: VannaSiamese on April 02, 2011, 03:17:22 PM
So, in the midst of scheduling my SRS, I had a complete mental breakdown.
It happened on Tuesday morning, I completely flipped out, burst into tears and left work.  I began transitioning two years ago, I thought it was the right decision for me.  Oddly enough, I've spent the last 5 days in bed, crying... because I am suddenly so confused.  My therapist, doctors, and psychiatrist all agree that I'm one of the most mentally stable patients they've ever had... but maybe I was just fooling them, and fooling myself. 
I guess it all boils down to what I really want, and what I think is best for my life.  However, those two don't agree with each other anymore.  What I want is to be a woman... it's all I've ever wanted.  Oddly enough, what I think is best for me, is to be a boy... a very feminine boy. 
I guess the pressure of scheduling SRS and finalizing my life as female has overwhelmed my mind.  In a single instant, I suddenly realized that I was so incredibly self conscious, that I was never satisfied with my appearance, that I felt uncomfortable, and that I am always obsessive about something new that I must do or must have to become even more feminine.  This of course is much different than my life as a feminine boy... where I was incredibly confident, very pleased with my appearance, content with what I had, yet constantly obsessing about my desire to be a woman.
I've spent quite a bit of time analyzing my feelings over the last 5 days... trying to figure out, what is upsetting me so bad?  I think I finally pinpointed the reasons I am having so much trouble with this. 

1. I have excessive amounts of guilt over the fact that I left my family and friends, moved 2500 miles away, changed my name and became a woman.  I feel as if I betrayed all of them.

2. I am constantly conflicted in my head between my old life and my new life.  I am haunted every night in my sleep between male and female dreams.

3. Every time I look in the mirror I think male or female.  Every time I get out of the shower, get dressed or even put on makeup... I think, male or female.  Every time I meet somebody, befriend somebody, or just simply pass a person on the streets... I think, what did they think of me?.. male, or female?  The odd thing is... I pass 100%.  In fact, in the midst of this mental breakdown, I came out to a girl friend of mine who i've known for nearly a year, that I was really born a man... and she didn't even believe me at first.  Yet, despite being so unmistakably female in physical form, my mind is constantly tortured with these thoughts I listed above.

4.  I miss my old life.  I miss being carefree, I miss being able to go to the beach, take my shirt off in public, move, act, speak, sit, lie down, stand up, bend over, eat food, converse, ride a bike, wake up and so much more without thinking to myself... Is this how a girl would do things, or how a boy would do things?  I simply am unable to cope with the constant conflict in my head.  I spend every second of every day asking questions like this to myself.

5. I miss normal relationships with people.  I never accept dates because I'm scared to tell the person that I am trans.  I don't make many friends and I even avoid the ones I do make until they eventually leave me alone... because i'm scared to tell them i'm trans.  When I enter into a room of women, i don't feel like one of them... I feel threatened and judged.  Ironically, this is apparently what almost all women feel, trans or not.  As a boy, I had tons and tons of friends, in a sense I was a leader among my group of friends... everyone loved me and I loved them.  Now, I have no friends, except the people I work with.  I won't leave the house, I am terrified to meet new people, I'm scared to do anything.  This has been the last two years of my life.

So, I decided... I'm going to detransition.  I have begun to slowly decrease my dosage on hormones and testosterone blocker... and I will begin living my life as a feminine boy.  Although, I don't pass as a boy... and I spent so much time perfecting my female voice that I actually have trouble not sounding like a woman when i open my mouth... It doesn't matter anymore.  I simply cannot handle this.  I feel relieved in my decision, and I feel like the nightmare is finally all over... but I really am going to miss my life as a woman.  I loved being a girl, and I think if I were not so mentally distraught by these things that it would be the best decision for me to continue my transition... however, I am not that lucky.  I am not posting this to discourage anyone from transitioning... I think everyone should follow their heart and do what they think is best for them.  I am posting this to articulate my feelings and find peace within myself... and also hear opinions from other people. 

Here is two pictures of me from a few weeks ago, out for my birthday weekend with some friends.  I don't know if I'll ever smile like that again... but at least I won't be going crazy inside my head =(

from what i read in your post, it doesn't sound to me like your transition was a mistake. it sounds like you really need to take a step back, and that your gender is becoming too much of a driving force in your life. i can identify with your feelings of obsessing over your gender very much. i have pure o, and i sepnd ALOT of time with these questions in my head. it sounds like you're really getting emotional and that scheduling srs triggered those emotions. hormone replacement therapy, specifically female hormones can make you emotional like this. i would just suggest you take a step away from this. it sounds like you could've been moving too fast, and that you've become too preoccupied with your gender that it's starting to take you in places you really don't want to go. i really can't speak for you if detransition is or isn't the right choice, but it doesn't sound to me like this comes from a place of it's a bad thing for you to be living as a woman, but more like you've become obsessed with gender, and are starting to bring yourself to believe that everything has to do with it. believe me, i relate very much with what you've said, and it sounds an awful lot like you have the same mental state that i do.

Yes life is a choice. I am only glad i transitioned for the sanity i needed in my life due to testosterone and being bipolar causing me havoc. If you have to think about this then wait.

I was fairly cute in my 40's but in my case i was a lesbian er liked women so being cute didn't help and it caused too many guys to stalk me.

The choice is yours. Make sure of the reason your doing this and if you do do it what are the benifits and downfalls.

In my case i was just a mess pretransitioning but hey i am still a mess but i no longer have that nasty male sex drive and i don't have to shave and i have had a chance to build positive mental tapes as the woman i became which was a whole world better than before. But hey here i am living as a FTM well kinda because i love to do hard work and hate men seeking me.

count your reasons and then decide.. don't just do it because you want too or because you can or because you look hot .. you know what it means to you and what your losing

You say that you have guilt, that you're conflicted, that you miss your old life, that you miss being carefree, that you miss normal relationships with people.

You've got big problems there. You're not doing something right.
Transition is supposed to cure all those problems.

My personal opinion is that de-transitioning will not improve matters.
I think that you should have considered your ambivalence towards gender before deciding to transition in the first place.

There are many here who will tell you that transitioning made an immense improvement in their lives.

It sounds like you have to think about things more carefully and talk with your therapists and care team a LOT more before doing ANYTHING drastic.

Ditching your current life to detransition and trying to immediately go back to who you were pre-transition is drastic.

Having SRS is drastic.

You are best off doing neither and taking the time to think things through more carefully.

I want to disagree with everyone who is suggesting you should just move forward with surgery because you will regret detransition in a few years. They may be right. But you also need to transition at the pace that is comfortable for you, and if you have doubts, having SRS is a bad idea NOW, even if it might be right for you in the future.

Stop trying to live as what you think others want you to be... and start living just as yourself.

Feeling as if you need to hide who you are from everyone makes life horrible and isolated. This is why many find transitioning a big relief.

You seem to be trying to put on an act of what you think being a girl means. You are doing it to yourself. There are no "girl ways" and "boy ways" of living or thinking. Sorry, the world isn't as gender specific as others would have you think... you can play with gi-joe without having your "girl card" taken away.

Hi Vanna,

Some of the others have already said things in better ways than I ever could, but I'll give it a shot anyway.  Everything you wrote in your list of 5 points suggests that you just can't let go and be yourself.  Why does it matter if you are doing things in a "girly" way, and what does that even mean?  Stereotypically female?  You don't need to be a stereotype.  Just be you - you said it yourself, you pass 100%.  People will see you (a girl) doing things, so you will look girly doing them by default.

It sounds like you are happier being female, aside from those few hangups.  So why not work on the hangups instead of throwing in the towel?  Chances are, once the detransitioning has begun, the old reasons and feelings that caused you to begin transition in the first place will come back.  Maybe that is what you need though, to remember what it was like.  Whatever the case, as Melody said, don't do anything drastic.  5 days is nothing and you could be feeling differently in just a couple weeks.

P.S.  I've been following your youtube channel since you were 3 months on hormones, so this thread makes me a sad panda

Quote from: AmySmiles on April 02, 2011, 08:39:08 PM
Why does it matter if you are doing things in a "girly" way, and what does that even mean?  Stereotypically female?  You don't need to be a stereotype.  Just be you

This is all that matters

Quote from: AmySmiles on April 02, 2011, 08:39:08 PM
- you said it yourself, you pass 100%.  People will see you (a girl) doing things, so you will look girly doing them by default.

But the doubt will still be there...  As Belinda Carlisle said "Live your life be free"  Haha I laugh but I like that song (I like alot of her songs )

Quote from: AmySmiles on April 02, 2011, 08:39:08 PM
It sounds like you are happier being female, aside from those few hangups.  So why not work on the hangups instead of throwing in the towel?  Chances are, once the detransitioning has begun, the old reasons and feelings that caused you to begin transition in the first place will come back.  Maybe that is what you need though, to remember what it was like.  Whatever the case, as Melody said, don't do anything drastic.  5 days is nothing and you could be feeling differently in just a couple weeks.

My opinion is that I agree with this. Just give it time. If it were me, I would postpone SRS but not cancel it indefinitely. Continue my hormones and maybe cut back (under doctors surpervision) if you absolutely feel you need to. Then just take some time to think. We are expected to do a real life test for surgery right? Well why not do that real life test before deciding on de-transitioning too? Maybe try living as that effiminate man for a while to see if it is still comfortable.

Please remember that going back, like Janet mentioned, will not most likely be exactly what it was before. Also Sean is right imo it might be best to avoid anything drastic and take this time to think and talk it all out. Good luck with whichever path you choose.

Dear Vanna, I am going to buck the trend here and say that you are making a wise decision.  Wear the other shoes for a while and see how it feels.  Then you will know for sure, in your heart, whether you are making the right decision.  Transition/de-transition, maybe that is your path, only you will know what is right.

Moving 2500 miles away from friends and family is difficult to do, let along starting a new life in a new gender role.  But, I found #5 in your list interesting.  Having normal relationships was part of my problem before I transitioned, I always felt like a misfit in the male role.  Even though I suffer from similar anxiety as you do about being around other girls, I am much more at peace.  I feel like I am able to have more of what people call "normal", whatever that may be.  I found it best not to disclose to most people I know and just live my life as a presumably cis-female.  I know that pisses some transpeople off, not to live openly as being transgendered, but I've thought it over, and this is best for me at this point in time.

As for taking your shirt off in public, I mean seriously, this is holding you back?  lol, honey, just get a really cute bikini top and whip off the shirt.  Did you move to Florida?  Yeah, it's freaking hot down there, I would want to take my shirt off too.

Quote from: blackMamba on April 02, 2011, 09:38:54 PM
As for taking your shirt off in public, I mean seriously, this is holding you back?  lol, honey, just get a really cute bikini top and whip off the shirt. 

I know what I'd rather be wearing ^^.

And yes I agree taking things with care is the right way to approach this, so yes take a step back you need to reach a calm state where you will be better able to make a decision